I am the second youngest of five siblings, two of whom live in my area, as does my mother. My parents are divorced, and I was the POA for both of them. Over the past ten years, my mother (now 80) has had two hip replacements, two knee replacements, eye surgery, and various other procedures for which I have been present and have then had her stay at my house for recovery. After the last two surgeries, about two months of her staying, I started getting snippy and she left angry and hurt, and I was angry and hurt. She is pretty easygoing, but I need my space with my husband.
Almost three years ago, my father (my parents are divorced) was taken to the hospital with kidney issues. Again, I was there and learned he had dementia. I had to place him in a home and was the sole caregiver/visitor for him for two years (I hired a CNA to spend time with him since my siblings didn't do ANYTHING). After many stressful times dealing with his issues, I resigned as POA for my mother. I knew I didn't want to go through this again, it was horrible, but I will spare the details. My brother is now POA for her.
The day my father died, I called my mother and was just telling her about the day, and I expressed how I was looking forward to doing my activities again and having more of my life back, and she said I don't know how long it will last. And I said what does that mean? And she said I'm having trouble, I can't do my own laundry, shopping, etc. and I screamed at her I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!!! The same day my dad died. I feel bad about that, but I was very stressed for the past two years.
I resent both my parents laying the POA on me and expecting everything of me and only me. I feel spent. I still work full-time, and I try to help, offer to clean her apartment, etc. My mother is living in her own apartment but looking for assisted living. I have helped her look at places and advised where I think the best place would be, but I still feel guilty that I am not inviting her to move into our house. Yet I remember how much stress that was and the pressure it put on my marriage. P.S. her grandmother lived to 106 and her mom lived to 95, so it could be a LOT of years.
I don't know why I am putting this in words, and not sure if I explained it correctly, maybe therapeutic, maybe looking for someone to help me not feel guilty for wanting my own life. One sister who lives here doesn't talk to my mother and the POA doesn't talk to me, so it's very dysfunctional.
My mother is not allowed to step foot in my home. I will go to her home when it suits me, but after I discovered she was listening to the messages on my answering machine and going through my mail to report what she learned to my soon to be ex while we were going through a acrimonious divorce, I changed the locks and she will never have a key.
Our home is supposed to be a place of sanctuary. Our marriage, when it works, our most important relationship.
You have done more than your fair share of care giving.
And your mother is a piece of work to make those comments the day your father died. How much more selfish could be be?