Husband did it again! How can I get over the anger?

Wow, disgusting!.......if I may say so. Don't see him or talk to him. This doesn't sound like normal dementia type behavior. But then again, I'm no expert. I don't blame you for being angry. Cool off. Let him be for a while maybe and also speak to an expert. The nursing facility should control this. I know they are busy and even busier since covid started but they must see this going on and if they aren't doing something to prevent it they should be in my opinion. This is not right on so many levels.

I am so sorry. That’s just not okay. The fact that is has happened more than once, sounds to me like he most likely has done this before. I’m learning what ever personality trait you see in a person gets magnified if they have dementia. My mother was mildly selfish, complained and could have a mean streak but when she began to get dementia it has magnified 10x. You have every right to divorce him if you decide to and hopefully find someone else to take care of him. I’m so sorry.

Spousecan'tcope: Imho, you SHOULD not continue to torture yourself by looking at this man's photo, albeit he is your husband. Don't continue to be associated with him; petition with a divorce attorney to begin to separate with a person who is not only an alcoholic, but is not a faithful marriage partner. Good grief!

I don’t blame you for your feelings. Protect yourself, be his caregiver from a distance. An emotional distance where you detach your feelings. And a physical distance where you go visit, check that his care is good, find out from staff if he needs anything, and leave without being in the same room. And if meds haven’t been tried to calm his behavior it’s time to look into that. I wish you both peace

SCC, I am sorry that you are going through this. I don't know if there is anyway to get beyond the anger but, I pray that you can find a way to not be triggered as often.

I would recommend seeing a certified elder law attorney. They can guide you with how to best protect yourself financially and what your options are as POA for having someone else deal with him and his requirements. You can hire people to do things that involve seeing him or hearing about his sexual escapades. You don't have to relinquish your authority to not have to deal with him.

I wouldn't see a divorce attorney, unless the CELA recommends it as the best way to move forward.

These are some of the hardest issues a spouse has to deal with when they are coping with Alzheimer or dementia, it's no longer the person you married, even though it looks like them. Maybe, a grief counselor could help you cope, because he really is gone for you.

I'm with the others who have suggested divorce. The man you married has been gone a long time.

You have a difficult problem on your hands now, no matter what happened in the past with your spouse. Many people stay in marriages that are "OK but not great" for many reasons.
Get a geriatric psychiatrist to examine him and start medications to suppress libido, impulsivity, etc. He most likely will benefit from an inpatient stay at a geriatric mental health (locked) unit. Trained professionals who have dealt with this problem in the past are knowledgeable and much less judgmental than caregivers or assisted living/memory care settings. The damage to his brain from alcohol dependence is different from Alzheimers/LewyBody/vascular or other types of dementia. And it is common to have more than one brain disorder.
Contact an attorney who is certified in elder care planning, including finances. Figuring out what resources exist and what you can legally do to provide for yourself is crucial - to avoid becoming impoverished yourself. Sometimes the attorney can also suggest a financial planner who can do detailed guidance, or has a paralegal who can walk with you through the steps you need to take. Or a trusted friend who is good with forms and numbers.

As a nurse, I have seen hormonal medications used and I have seen antidepressants that are known to have suppression of libido given to reduce this behavior.
Maybe the facility can set up a wander guard alarm that he wears on his ankle that would let them know when he leaves the common areas - so a staff person can go get him and redirect him before he gets into mischief.

This happens frequently. Your husband is not in his right mind and that doesn't make it any easier to deal with, but he is not the same person "mentally" that you once knew and lived with. You might want to speak with his physician as there may be meds he can take to curb those impulses. I have friends who had trouble keeping their husbands in facilities because they were suggesting three ways with the nurses and what not. It's awful, but not uncommon.

Stay away from him for a bit until your anger subsides and you come to grips with the situation. Talk to his doctor and explain that you can't keep him in a facility because of these impulses and ask for meds.

The MC facility that mom is in keeps their apartment doors closed/locked to keep them in the general gathering room so that they will socialize and see other folks. This also helps them keep an eye on them when they are most active.

I am sorry you are experiencing this....after 54 years of being with an alcoholic, I'm sure you thought you might get some peace once he was placed. Call his doctor today and insist on meds.

Sounds like its time to consider a TDO, temporary detention order. If no other facility and staff can handle him, you certainly can't do it alone and he is becoming a threat to himself and everyone else. The end result could be a state hospital, now with names like "state services hospital" instead of state mental hospital so be aware of that. But being kicked out of one private MC unit after another sounds like you are running out of options. Its not the best resort, but it may be the last best resort of action. Talk to a lawyer about a TDO.

Alcoholism is often comorbid with other “ism” like sex addiction. It is a disease and when left untreated snd coupled with Alzheimer’s, can cause great harm to others. Your life has been and still is affected.
In addition to therapy, there are wonderful support groups that are basically free (a couple bucks donation at each meeting). You will find help, hope and understanding fellowship there. There are in person, online and phone meetings as well as websites with wonderful resources - literature, personal stories, blogs, podcasts, etc.
Al-Anon
Codependents Anonymous (Coda)
Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) , if there is this anywhere in your family of origin.

* Get into therapy and why did you say 'besides seeing a therapist?' - this sounds like what you need. As you stayed with an alcoholic, are you / were you a co-dependent? needing to work on yourself?
* It is not personal to you.
* You need to talk this out with someone (therapist, church member, Alz association support).

* You should have an MD diagnosis. I believe facilities accept new residents based on knowing their diagnosis. You should know what that is - do you (have it in writing)?

* Gain more understanding of what dementia is (google Teepa Snow and watch her webinar on these specific areas). What you speak of is common for dementia inflicted.

WHAT ISN'T COMMON is why did / does the 4th place allow him to be alone with any female? This sounds both irresponsible and unbelievable, as well as carrying legal ramifications.

I presume they know / knew his proclivities in this area (before they accepted him to move in)?

Did you discuss his past behavior with administrator at 4th facility?
Did they talk to the previous facility director before they accepted him?

He NEVER EVER should be left alone to conduct himself this way nor potentially assault another resident at the facility. I question how YOU know what did or didn't happen with this woman? How in the world do you know if he touched her? The truth is you do not know. I presume she has a degree of dementia being in the facility? Ask yourself why you believe / think he didn't. touch her?

* If you don't want to look at him, don't.
Perhaps this is your way of saying you need some space to process what is happening.

I imagine that you have some issues staying with an alcoholic for 54 years.
While I don't want to sound judgmental, your decisions in the past with him will have everything to do with how you feel about yourself and him now, and how you proceed in the future (with him) and yourself.
*Get into therapy.
* Talk to the facility administrator. He is not to be allowed to co-mingle with other women, without staff supervision Period.
* Ask yourself what you want out of this relationship now? What is your responsibility? Are you able to set boundaries with him? his care needs? I do not know. Does he have financial resources to be in a facility?
What do you want - out of your life?
You cannot change him, only yourself.
Being 'angry' at him won't do you any good although it may be how you need / can manage / handle your feelings how. To be angry tells me that you had / have expectations of him being cognizant of his behavior and able to make behavioral choices. He doesn't. You need to dive deep into this for yourself - to understand him, and yourself. Allow your feelings to come out. I sense you have a lot with a lid on it. You need to get it out.

Gena / Touch Matters

He is having impulse control issues - very similar to people who have strokes that affect their judgment. Start by realizing he has a problem that he can't control himself, Then, talk to his doctor about medication to subdue this impulse.

Re: "lover boy" with Alzheimer's: I didn't mean to compare, in any way, treatment of mentally ill or developmentally delayed to the situation of SPOUSECANTCOPE's husband who has brain damage from Alzheimer's.
The conditions are vastly different.
But it is often overlooked that the state has tremendous power over what health care facilities are allowed to do...even in seemingly minute situations.

Maybe hire private aide to stay with him during the time he gets amorous…now if he & aide start fooling around…
lol 🤣 …he’s beyond help & get rid of pent up energy another way ? I don’t really have suggestions except to keep him busy & distracted
Hugs 🤗

happyharry-- Just out of curiosity, how would you suggest facilities "handle" this? I'm not being critical, just trying to think what a facility could do to avoid this kind of situation while continuing care and therapy for both residents.
This problem is not unique. But they can't just lock them up in separate rooms.

Even if they place "lover boy" and his female friend in different areas, they may still find each other. In any case, the problem is likely to recur. Lover boy will simply find another willing partner. Even if they try to segregate residents by sex there will be break-outs or attempts. OR perhaps there will be same-sex pairings which will probably just upset even more people.

Sorry, this is no help to the suffering wife or soon-to-be ex-wife. She has my sympathy and I surely hope she finds a solution for herself.

I just wanted to add that this is a more complicated problem that it may seem at first glance. I'm truly curious to learn what the state licensing authority would suggest.
I once worked for an agency that placed mentally ill and developmentally delayed adults in group homes. The State insisted one couple had the "right" to marry and share an apartment. You have no idea the legal and law enforcement problems that ensued!

So sorry you are going through this Alzheimer’s patients have serious impulse control issues and in any moment they may or may not really understand right and wrong. Only you can know what you personally can tolerate from him and you have to be able to live a normal life so go see a therapist without and maybe a session or two with your husband set a plan that will work for you both but it’s OK to focus on what will work for you best. Hypersexual activity and thoughts are very common and I am surprised these facilities are not set up to handle this issue you should have a discussion with them about their plans in this regard. Good luck and best wishes. Melody

I think I would file for divorce as well, but not just to protect your assets. He has already been kicked out of three different facilities. You, as an individual, may have difficulty in finding future placements for him because of his record. If you can't find a placement, then what? Do you have to bring him home until you find one?

If he's appointed a state guardian, those guardians seem to be able to secure placements easier than a family can. Do you get to pick and chose the placement? No. But with your husband's issues, you may not have many
options anyway.

I don't see placing under state guardianship as abandonment at all in this case. It will be ensuring that he will be placed as well as possible, period. He could be booted from 10 places......and they will find him another.

???

Do you mean, is it normal for you to feel angry about your husband's behaviour?

Er, yes. How could it not be? What IS an appropriate response, then?

Whether it's helpful, to you or him or anyone else, is a different question, and of course it isn't helpful. Take his picture out of your gallery for the time being, and give yourself a break from contacting him directly. So: what's the MC proposing when it comes to managing his challenging issues?

I am so sorry you are going through this. It would be so difficult to see someone you have loved and been with for all those years be doing this sort of behaviour. He has a sickness of the brain and probably from all the years of drinking and even though some days he would look and behave normal the other times he would be a different person and has no idea what he is doing or that this behaviour is hurting you. It would be difficult for you, grieving comes and goes and it would be normal too feel angry and sad. Someone does not have to be passed away to grieve them. You cannot control or be responsible for him or his actions and it would be difficult too see You need to try and accept that this is who he is now and he is not the same person and you need to put all your energy into yourself. I watched a show on loving your partner with Dementia with Louis Theroux which showed a wife visiting her husband and was with other women
Take care

Contact his physician who may be able to give him some medication that will improve his behaviour so he will not cause another "incident", deeply upset you and be kicked out of a facility again.

Between AD and his alcoholism IMO there is no doubt that is brain is not functioning properly. Even if he has awareness, his inhibitions are compromised. This is not normal behaviour.

That would be my first approach.

My second or concurrent approach would be to get some medication/therapy for myself to deal with the emotions resulting from his behaviour and also possibly affected by 54 years of marriage to an alcoholic

I am not surprised you are deeply shocked. Please give yourself some emotional and physical distance from him. Personally I would not seek a divorce without counselling first. Be sure whatever you do that you protect yourself as well as possible financially.

Wishing you all the best in this very difficult situation. (((((((hugs)))))))


.

Cover99,

The problem isn't solely that he had a consensual sexual encounter. It's that he was throwing vases at people and trapping women in their room.

Look, consensual encounters among people with memory issues isn't rare. It went on with SCOTUS Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's husband after O'Connor retired to help care for him. After he went to a facility, she'd go there and find him holding some other woman's hand.

She just picked up the other one. And as it turns out, O'Connor has ALZ and may be descending into that world herself.

That's not the whole reason--or I would guess the primary reason--why the OP is angry. It's because he's taken on a violent, borderline rapey persona to the outside world. The reaction from authorities or worse yet the general public would be tinged with "Why didn't YOU see it sooner and act?"

Like a poster said, there might be finances in play. Litigation, on top of the authorities and public attitude.

OP, it is time to file for legal separation to protect your assets. Do this first. After that reassess whether you will stay his POA and/or formally married.

Lol he's in a facility getting the care and socialization that is suggested by many here. He won't ever be going home, so what is he to do? Sit and watch tv all day? You probably aren't having "relations" with him anymore, so how should he deal with this the want "to do it" occurs, just shrug it off.

These facilities, should, and some usually do, have the SW go around with a questionnaire that would ask about past and present "extracurriculars" so as to be better handle and deal with this.

Besides, hasn't it been mentioned here that a places resident, this is their new "home" and they should adjust to it?

Normal, and don't be afraid to seek therapy. It can help.

I'd file for divorce and make him a ward of the state.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you to deal with.

Your husband is not your husband anymore. He's a shell of a man with a serious problem with his brain, be it ALZ or FTD or whatever. I don't like meds, BUT in serious situations like this, haven't the staff suggested more meds to calm him the heck down? I'd ask the staff how this issue can be resolved so he is not a menace to the other residents. It's just unacceptable.

Try to distance yourself somehow. Do you typically go to visit? If so, cut down on that. Calls? Same.

Take his photos off of your computer and see a divorce attorney now. Whether he has Alzheimer's, FTD or he's just plain mentally ill, the time has come for you to disassociate yourself with this man now.

Forget about what 'others' may think or say about your decision, they haven't been living in a 54 year marriage to an alcoholic, so they don't get a say in what you do. Think about yourself now and make your husband a ward of the state once you file for divorce.

I think once you are divorced, then the anger will begin to dissipate. If not, THEN you can think about counseling.

Wishing you the best of luck moving on with your life.

Oh my goodness! I can't tell you what to do, but I'd be headed to the divorce court so fast it would make his head spin. Rotten husband, getting worse, someone else can deal with that garbage.

The symptoms your husband is showing, suggest Frontotemporal dementia, not Alzheimer's. In this type of dementia, the main symptoms result from the shrinking if the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain. Personality, appropriate social behavior and language are located in those areas of the brain. Patients with this type of dementia, suffer drastic changes of personality. They become uninhibited, impulsive and aggressive. They behave in complete disregard to morals and appropriate social behavior.

I grew up poor, so tend to visualize issues primarily from the financial side.

Would there be any possibility if you two stayed married ... that he could face jail, or huge legal fines for his current or potential future actions? Or big legal bills?

What about his "victims" or "potential victims". Might any of them, or their families sue him in civil court, affecting your joint savings or joint property or businesses owned?

If so, then a legal divorce might be your safest alternative. You could always visit him, if you so desired in the future.

"Any suggestions besides seeing a therapist? I don’t want to talk to him or see him"

So don't. If you have reached the point where even his picture makes you angry, NH or not, ALZ or not, it's time to end the marriage.

Even IF it was the disease that was causing this behavior, and you can logically tell yourself it's the disease, it doesn't make his behavior less hurtful to you. But I have a sneaking suspicion that this was building long, long before he was diagnosed, and his illness is now shackling you more to this marriage than anything else might, because the societal expectations are "what sort of person would divorce their spouse while that spouse is in a nursing home?!" But you don't owe an explanation to anyone; and for the people who would be rude enough to ask, your ONLY answer should be "that's really none of your business."

I hope you can find a solution that brings you peace!

My opinion is that people do what they can do. That's why I don't advocate hassling unhelpful siblings to take an interest in Mom's care, and why I won't tell you that you should continue caring about a man you clearly want nothing to do with. Alzheimer's or not, he wasn't a good husband before, and he's acting out now in a way you find intolerable.

Don't martyr yourself to him any longer. He is in a facility where he's being cared for. If they kick him out, make him a ward of the state. Your job is done, and I don't think you need to concern yourself with having any more interactions with him.