My 89 year old father was admitted into nursing home 4 months ago from falling and breaking his left arm, which is better. He is a diabetic with problems off and on with sugar dropping to 35 or lower, on oxygen and take breathing treatments. My 85 year old mother is still living and drives 60 miles round trip to see him daily, they have 5 siblings. Siblings all live in town of nursing home where my father is. Problem is he wants to go home so bad and my mother seems to be about to give in. She knows she can no longer take care of him, couple of weeks he will be approved for Medicaid and they are out no cost for the facility. It saddens us every-time we see him because he is showing signs of being depressed and have broke into tears because he wants to go home. Mom wants him home and then not, she knows she can no longer take care of him. We are afraid she may get him home and then this will cause more caring down the road than what was being done before. Question is how to get father to adjust to the home and be happy? Mother is not in good physical health, forgetful at times and how to persuade her in not making the mistake of removing him from the home since all paperwork has been paid for to put him on Medicaid. I would say they are both in there right minds, but can be a little forgetful at times, but just not physically able to take care of each other and that it will put a much needed burden on siblings since they live out of town. Don't get me wrong, they have been taken care of with dr. appts, shopping, etc. But with their health and future that mother will not be able to drive to town is what will make it more of a hardship..

They do ask him to join activities, most of activity is musicians coming to play for them,, but he is not wanting to listen to them or join in other activities. He does not even watch tv anymore, especially the news channels.
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Reply to Callietooter
Ahmijoy Aug 9, 2018
I have the feeling that no matter what you said to Dad or wrote to Mom, Dad is going to wind up back at home. You probably made Dad angry, but did not dissuade him from his mission to return home. Mom will follow her heart and not her head. She will put everything that went on before when he was at home on the back burner and impulsively bring him home. He’s putting on a good performance in the facility and I think he will get his way. As I wrote before, he’s had no chance to become accustomed to the place because your mom is always there.

Be be prepared to do whatever it takes to pitch in with the caregiving. You know Mom won’t be able to handle it, so it’s going to fall on you.
I think your fathers issue about wanting to go back home is easier to solve - than the fact that your siblings aren't agreeing so much to that.

I just wanted to say that i agree with you (also read your profile with info) and im sorry your siblings don't.

when my mom used to ask me to go back home (from AL) I would tell her I was sorry. I tried to explain to her that she wasn't getting any younger.

the older my mom gets - more health problems come up(and dementia decline) she isn't going to 'get better' and be able to be independent any more. parents get to a certain age and they start to 'wear out'.

I think its going to be a lot easier if everyone could agree. that dad needs to stay. it will be very difficult at first. and I don't know the answer regarding your mom. plus now she is living alone ??

after my dad died in AL, that's when my mom started asking about going back home. (again..)

tell ~everyone~ as long as they tell dad. like the previous poster - that the dr hasn't given him the ok to go home. its hard for a young person to take care of an elder, let alone another elder to do it.
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Reply to wally003
Callietooter Aug 9, 2018
Thank you very much, today I went and was honest with my father that I did not want him to come home because of his age and health issues. Reminded him how he was not taking care of himself (or correctly) with his medications, insulin, etc. on his own while at home, even-though he disagreed. But at least I was honest and truthful with him (he did not like it, though-said he would just die there). Then I typed out letter for my mother to read, she has trouble hearing. I reminded her what she will be taking on, if he comes home. She will be his 24/7 nurse, and at the end of letter I let her know that it was her decision not dads if she wants to be his nurse or not. So I hope and pray that she reads the entire letter of reminders of how it was before and how it will be when she has stated back and forth she could not take care of him. Through-out all of this, I did realize that it was her decision not his......Now wait and see....thanks again for your message. Before I forget, wrote that if I was able to take care of him; that I would have both move in with me. But, that I knew that the 24 hour care he needs that I am unable to provide and therefore could not understand how she thinks she can or him...
You need to have an intervention with Mom before she does something foolish like giving into your dad. It has to be hard on her to deal with this every single day when she visits. Are you certain she is capable of driving those distances every day, especially when, as you said, she is having some cognitive issues?

Make certain, during this intervention, that Mom understands Dad cannot come home. If she is telling him she might bring him home, it’s exacerbating the situation.
Mom needs to understand that Dad has to stay where he is. Could you make plans, instead, to move her closer if not into the same facility as Dad? Is there an Independent Living for her?

As for Dad, it’s very common for elders to have this reaction when they realize they’re in a facility. Because Mom visits every day and stays for probably most of the day, he’s had no opportunity to become accustomed to the facility, routine, or the staff. Every day when she walks in the door, it’s a reminder that he’s not home and his life has changed. If she’s telling him he “might” come home, that makes it worse. You need to get Mom to understand she has to be a little firm with Dad. She can use what we call the Therapeutic Fib and tell him that when the doctor says he’s better, they’ll talk about him coming home.

Its never easy. It’s heartbreaking. But people like you, loving and caring people, don’t do something like this with no forethought. You’ve done the right thing for your parents and for yourselves.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
Callietooter Aug 7, 2018
Idea is to move him into another facility where she lives, also he does not participate in activities, unless in therapy that is it. Mother visits from 1pm to 4pm daily and just sit front lobby looking outside, mornings he only sits in his room between wall and bed looking out. Very hard seeing him this way and knowing he is healthier than before being admitted, I would love for him to go home, but scared of not taking his medication and keeping his diebetis under control since they live out of town.
Is there an "activities director" there? If so, I would enlist her help to integrate your dad and introduce him to other men his age who have close interests.

Explain to your mom that she won't be able to do that job alone and none of her kids can take up the slack.

It it is a heartbreaker to have to continually hear this but, if he can be included in activities, it might make the transition easier.

It would be your judgement call if pictures of family and items from home would help or hinder.
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Reply to SueC1957

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