How to handle no support services?

It's time to get your father into a care facility where he can be provided 24/7 care. It's the kindest thing you can do for him at this time. And absolutely necessary for your own health and well-being and your marriage. Kudos to you for what you have done for your dad. Now it's time to get him the care he needs. And the respite you need and so well deserve. God bless you.

Dear Toofargone,
The sad reality is that seniors that live a long time with dementia will get to the point of needing to live in a residential facility. The reason is usually that their loved ones can not manage their care 24/7/365; you have to sleep sometime. It seems you have reached this point. Here are a few suggestions:

1 - Time to move to a memory care unit. Research the nearest memory care facilities. Ask to try a meal. Visit the day room(s). Look at the activity calendar. See if you can talk to one of the CNAs and one of the nurses. If they are too busy to talk, they might be too busy to listen to your loved one. How does the security system keep their clients from wandering. Is there opportunities to get outside for fresh air? What is the cost? Do they take Medicare and Medicaid?

2 - Get your loved one to see his doctor. The world becomes an increasingly confusing and scary place for people with Alzheimer's dementia. The confusion leads to frustration; the frustration leads to anxiety; the anxiety leads to verbal or physical "acting out." The best option until you can get to the doctor is to keep to a routine and keep the home from changing. The doctor should be able to prescribe anti-anxiety medications to calm your loved one's anxiety and agitation. The doctor can also prescribe sleeping medication if your loved one has difficulty staying asleep at night.

3 - Try OTC medications until you can get to the doctor. Benadryl is used a lot in hospitals as a sleeping medication for seniors and younger people. It is not addictive and has practically no side effects. Some people swear by CBD oil for calming agitation and anxiety. Other OTC herbs and teas can help calm people a bit - chamomile, lavender, St. John's Wort or valerian (same plant)... Please check with a pharmacist or online Medication site to make sure there will not be interactions with your loved one's usual medications and any OTC preparations your are considering.

What you do if help is not possible and you have reached your limit and your own health and sanity is at risk is call 911 and have him transported to the hospital. Or place him in a nursing home before it has to get to that point..

Along with dementia he might have a urinate tract infection that’s making him unmanageable as well.
Call 911 emergency so they get him into a facility, and the hospital will call his primary care doctor for further instructions.
You can’t do this any more.
He needs more care than you’re physically able to provide and that’s ok.
You did all you could for this long.
Hugs, then dial for help-
Do not feel guilty for a nanosecond.

have you looked under “County Area on Aging”. Respite services should be available through them, although it sounds like you need much more than respite service. This is a difficult road to travel. Wishing you some relief soon.

Have you tried calling 2-1-1?
https://www.211.org/

Toofargone: Imho, your user name may mean to imply just that. Your father is in need of greater services than you and your husband are physically able to provide. There is a good indication that your father will require facility living, especially since YOUR health could be in danger with your expression that you "feel like (you're) having a heart attack.

Do you have a family doctor? Contact them and ask for a referral and suggestions for extra assistance. Mom's GP has a staff social worker for that kind of assistance.

Do you have medical insurance? Check to see if they have a resource for therapists, many also have a help line to call for help and advice. Most offer mental health services via a phone call.

Check to see if any local religious or service organizations have resources that can help. Catholic Family Services was a huge help to me and we are not catholic. Did your dad belong to any group that you can reach out to? Masons, Lion's Club, Rotary, etc.

Was your dad in a military? The VA may be able to help.

Its very hard to ask for help and admit that you can’t do it all yourself. My parents were embarrassed for anyone in their small town to know "their business" and let outsiders know they couldn’t cope by themselves.

keep an open line of communication open with family. Having phone conversations helps especially if someone else in your immediate or distant family is dealing with elder care as well. Have you thought about tele-med physician appointments? PCP out of town? I also live in a remote area with very little in the way of resources. We were fortunate to get a personal care provider out here for 2 hours a day. That is the only help I have. I have everything of my mother's on autopay and auto ship so I don't have to leave her for any amount of time by herself. I do have to admit, that I can leave her for about an hour each day for my personal time. This personal time of mine has been established with her before her cerebral infarctions so this has stayed with her, thankfully. I'm content just being able to go into another room for an hour by myself too.

TooFarGone,

No one knows what is involved in caring for someone with dementia until they actually do it.  Some of the things that happen and situations that come up you probably couldn't have imagined in your wildest dreams because your history with your dad is when he was normal.  This disease is a wild card.  Sounds like your father needs to be placed in a LTC facility where he can get the care he needs which is 24/7.  They have three shifts of trained folks to take care of him.  How are you going to be there for him and make good decisions for him if you stress yourself into a heart attack?  Placing him doesn't mean your aren't helping him, it doesn't mean you are giving up, it means you are making rational decisions that are in his best interest and yours.

Even although several people suggested that help "might" be available via various church groups and community volunteers etc, that is NOT a solution. At this point. I would seek institutional care. They have staff 24/7, even if short on staff, there is ALWAYS "someone" there.. This is not a homecare situation anymore! You need to let the professional caregivers take over before you are totally worn out! No point in sacrificing your physical and mental health. That will do no one any good!

Even although several people suggested that help "might" be available via various church groups and community volunteers etc, that is NOT a solution. At this point. I would seek institutional care. They have staff 24/7, even if short on staff, there is ALWAYS "someone" there.. This is not a homecare situation anymore! You need to let the professional caregivers take over before you are totally worn out! No point in sacrificing your physical and mental health. That will do no one any good!

Even although several people suggested that help "might" be available via various church groups and community volunteers etc, that is NOT a solution. At this point. I would seek institutional care. They have staff 24/7, even if short on staff, there is ALWAYS "someone" there.. This is not a home care situation anymore! You need to let the professional caregivers take over before you are totally worn out! No point in sacrificing your physical and mental health. That will do no one any good!

You need to care for yourself!

i have the same problem and the last doctor i sent my mom to gave her the wrong meds. and almost killed her. and i live on the oregon coast and have called every place and put out adds i cant find help anywhere.so if you figure it out let me know. theres little help on the central oregon coast. they even have dementia care down the road and there to backed up to give me and my mom help. i am at my wits end. sorry guys and i understand the anger that comes with this dementia and the saddness. shes a diffrent person sometimes. i wish you luck and hope we can both find help some where.

Heartbreaking and tough - but you now have NO choice. You have to keep searching and find a place to put him - even if it is far away. The impact is destroying you and you have a right to live and keep your marriage. He is mentally gone so it is time he has to leave your premises. As to the doctor, I once had what I realized later was life threatening if i did not get medical help at once. Same crap - make appointment for the future, overbooked, etc., I went to the doctor and made a terrible scene when they would not help me. I threatened out loudly to sue them all and the doctor came out from the room with his patient in there. He took one look and told me I was going to the intensive care in the hospital at once or I was in danger of dying. An hour later I was in the hospital and somehow survived. GET TOUGH, CREATE SCENE, THREATEN, ETC.
GOOD LUCK.