How to handle downright mean?

Dusti, I'm not a doctor and I've never met your husband. But if I had to guess, I might think that he'd developed Vascular Dementia, perhaps mixed with some other kind of dementia.

His reasoning ability and his connection to reality ( thinking that you can lift him, etc) seemed to indicate that he's lost his grip in some elemental way.

I'd insist the geri psych people do a complete workup. If med adjustments need to be made, they should be made in the rehab or in a geri psych unit, where there is safety, both for you and he.

Hi Barb. Thanks for your response. I talked to the rehab facility nursing director and advised him of the wide mood swings, abuse, the threat yesterday and the depression and anger issues that are escalating. Advised him that my honey has been on his anti-depressant since 2005 when he had his strokes. He is going to have my honey evaluated for his anti depressant and mental state. Hope they can find the cause and get it resolved. I talked to my honey this morning and it started out as normal conversation, progressed to him crying and saying nobody cares and then went to aggression and anger. I did not allow it to cause me to react. After we were off the phone is when I called the nursing director. They are supposed to get back with me as to his state of mind and if it is med related. He is all over the board right now with his emotions and something is definitely wrong. At this point cannot invoke the POA as he is cognizant and capable making decisions. So am working with limited ability.  I did tell them if he decides to check himself out I need to know immediately. 

I bought a gun safe and am putting the ammo and my loaded weapon in the gun safe. I will be the only one with the combination and the keys (keys will be worn on my neck on a chain).  I have already unloaded his weapon. (don't want him to say I have taken it away from him). Not taking any chances for his safety and mine. But my weapon will be where I can get to it should someone break in.

I have told him I will visit tomorrow, but if he starts anything I will leave before it escalates. Not worried about him getting physically violent.

Dusti; I'm glad that they were able to get them to agree to evaluate. Just remember that if they tell you that he's "fine", you insist on coming in and having a real time conversation with him in front of the geripsych, or whoever is telling you that nothing is wrong.

I'm sorry, but being abusive and then the next day apologizing and saying they will never do that again is just so typical of a serious abuser! Most of us who have been in abusive relationships and who don't get therapy from a real professional counselor - not just a pastor, but someone who is trained in psychology - are going to find a new guy who feels comfortable like the old one, and is also an abuser. We just don't see that he's an abuser right off. Telling them that you have been a victim of domestic violence just confirms to them that you are weak.


I know you don't want to trust yourself to read your posts like an outsider. I don't want you to be another statistic. I would rather give up my 30 year relationship by being safe than giving up my 60+ years of life by being nice. Let him win your trust back with more than a 10-minute conversation. Make him work for your love.



Get someone else to transfer him to the hospital - it might even be included on his insurance plan. You need to be sure that he is safe through a full neurological exam before you ever consider allowing him back into your home. Calling 911 and relying on rusty self-defense skills when you can't help him up out of his chair does not cut it.

Hi Surprise,
Thanks for your post. True....I don't want to be a statistic either. If he is not willing to undergo a neuro and psych eval (and if he does and doesn't pass them) he will not be coming home.

I just can't take the risk. As to the firearms... I have purchased a gun safe and his gun is unloaded. My firearm and the bullets will go into the safe tomorrow.

I suspect he thinks he will check himself out and come home....not and I repeat not happening no matter how much I love him. This goes for the psych and neuro eval too. The rehab is planning to do both. So he might as well get set though they will not tell him that it is a psych exam or he will through a wall up and will not even talk to them.

Barb...good idea. The whole "hic-up" is that we are not married (not even common law) and unless he is deemed mentally incompetent or is unconscious I cannot kick in the poa. He does not know that they are going to do a psych exam. Neuro he won't argue with as he will figure it is due to his condition.

Dusti22, my dad said he was going to shoot my mom and she had me find and empty his handgun and hide ammo and all that too. It was definitely vascular or fronto-temporal dementia plus her saying way meaner things to him than you've said to yours. Mine hated to even be told he was confused. And in short order, he forgot all about guns and shooting anyone in any event...after he was placed in skilled nursing because mom could not pick him up when he fell, he just wanted to know that Mom was well and when would she come see him again.

Only other thought is that my hubby was on an antidepressant for a long time and after while it kind of worked backwards - may have been a mild form of serotonin syndrome - and even though he is not demented or even MCI, he does not remember some of what he said and did when he was in such a dark frame of mind. I'd had to briefly get the kids out of the house and stay with friends while the meds were switched over.

It's sad and disheartening, but his turning on you is 100% due to mental illness and cognitive decline, and it says nothing about the relationship you had all those years. Fault does not matter much though when it comes you you staying safe. People in his state certainly have been confused enough to injure of kill people they actually love. You are doing the right things in the face of heartache, and his family may need a lot of education so they do not assume that you are the one who has changed or turned, and the facility folks should be helping with that. Here's hoping that the assessment Monday will be a big help.

Hi vstefans...thank you for responding. Our visits yesterday and today were good. I am wondering if they have added or changed a med as the social worker visited him yesterday before I went to see him. But I plan on visiting the social worker before I see my honey on Monday. Oh I have definitely taken precautions. I bought a gun safe and put my loaded weapon and bullets in it (I have the only keys and I will not tell him the code to open it). I unloaded his weapon and put it back in the drawer. When I went to see him yesterday he asked me what we can do to fix the fear that I am feeling. I advised him at this point not sure and told him I had purchased a gun safe (he will see it when /if he comes home). He took it well. I did tell him that I feel counseling may be in order. He got quiet and for the first time recently I saw my old honey. I am not letting my guard down. I do have specific requirements before I even consider allowing him to come home. Once I have had a chance to talk with the social worker and possibly the psychiatrist there at the rehab, I will be able to make a more informed decision. He is losing so much weight I am actually concerned though he is still within the recommended range on his weight (he weighed 168 today and when he went into the rehab 6 days ago he weighed 179. He has never weighed this little in 30 years). He looks thin except that he is still carrying some edema in his stomach and on his hips. I do know that he is not eating a lot (wants the food he is not allowed to have). I am also going to talk with the staff physician and nursing director on Monday as well if they will see me. One thing the nursing supervisor did agree on is that possibly since he has been on his anti depressant for 13 years at the same dose it may no longer be effective.

Yes, my honey's prior verbal abuse is in excusable as was the threat. I believe when I told him that he had scared me it brought him back to somewhat reality. I am not dropping my guard and will not tolerate any threats of physical violence nor any more verbal abuse. His family is standing behind me on this. He is aware that at the first sign, he is gone from my life. So we shall see. Till then I will continue to go out to see him and will go from there.

By the way I tried recording my visit yesterday, but he had the tv up so loud and was talking so softly that the recorder could not pick up anything but me and the tv. Not sure if he knew it was there. I feel that as I said his med is not helping (has been on it since his stroke) or there is something physical going on.

Dusti, so glad to hear your partner's family is with you regarding having a "no tolerance" policy for abuse of any kind. And I think getting as much info as you can from the professionals who are treating him is going to be very helpful. Yay, you!

Hi SnoopyLove,
Yep they are behind me 100%. Just found out today that the 17th will be his last day at rehab. I will be bringing my honey home either the 17th or 18th as Medicare 100% runs out at that time and he nor we can pay the 20% that will be required after that.

My honey is aware that if I bring him home I will tolerate NO abuse of any kind and that should it start back up he will be out the door. I know he plans on eating what he pleases as he said he does not have much time left, but he WILL understand that if he does not take care of himself and begins getting edema again I will call 911 and he will go to the hospital as soon as the edema rears its head as we will not go through what we went through in April.

I was not going to allow him to come home, but he has no where else to go. I do feel safe and will be alert to any signs that would show I have need to be concerned. I have no problem calling 911. Though I have had to do some backtracking as to allowing him to come home, I am still not the same person I was when he went into the hospital. I feel I have found myself, am again strong and not afraid. My back is much better... I am able to do most everything I need to except walk long distances. I still have to use my cane on that. (smile).

I just talked to him and this is the third day that he has been back to his old self. (Before it was lasting an hour if I was lucky). So we shall see what happens. Please say some prayers that it all works out and I will keep you posted. Even after he gets home I will be checking in with you and everyone here. I may be making a mistake but I am following my instincts and gut feeling. I am going to make it a point to talk to the social worker when I go to see him tomorrow. Have a great day!!

Dusti; you say he "doesn't have much time left"? Are you saying that he has a life limiting illness?

Has anyone mentioned the possibility of a Hospice evaluation? They don't by any means provide round the clock care, but it would be an occasional extra pair of hands and eyes on the situation.

Hi Barb...yes he does. He has had two strokes and is basically in end stage heart failure unless a heart pump can extend his life a short time. My understanding is that he is not eligible for a heart transplant due to his prior health issues. His kidneys have not failed but during this period of trying to get the edema off they have come close. With proper monitoring and care they are almost back to normal. He is diabetic (type 2 non-insulin). Doctor told him without the heart pump he may not even have a year left. I think this is the reason that he kind of went off the deep end. He admitted today on the phone that he had crossed the line several times as far as his treatment of me and that due to the stress and worry he has declined mentally. Knowing he is coming home has given him hope. Since his strokes he has been the type that if there was something to worry about he would find it and become fixated on it. Doctors said it was due to his strokes.

We are going to explore all options. His cardiologist (who we both have been seeing for many years) has basically put a wall up saying that everything has to go through the rehab facility.

How will you make sure you and the pups are safe when you're sleeping? I've lived this; makes me nervous for you all....

My pups will alert me if anything happens while I am sleeping and I have become a very light sleeper. Where they sleep I would be awake long before he could hurt them. As to me as I have said I am a very light sleeper. His gun is unloaded in his drawer and my gun and all the bullets for both are locked up in the gun safe and he has no access. Thank you Mally for being worried about me. I am wary which will make me an even lighter sleeper. Since the guns are secured, I am not as concerned as I will have to help him get dressed for bed so I will know that he has not brought anything with him. If he does start showing violent tendancies I will call 911, invoke the medical power attorney that I have and then have him taken to the hospital.

But I do want to talk to his social worker and psychiatrist that did the eval before I bring him home.. Hope to talk to them tomorrow or Tues

Dusti, one concern I have that keeps popping up in my mind is that somehow he could get bullets from someone, say a friend or family member. Maybe his gun needs to be safely locked up in your gun safe as well if he wants to reside in your home? I don't think people who have been behaving erratically for any reason need to have access to a gun. What if you have to call 911 or the police for some reason and he starts waving it around? Loaded or not, it's a problem. 

Hi Snoopy,
Thanks, I hadn't thought of what would happen if I call 911 and he is waving the gun around. As to bullets, his family (brother and SIL) won't get any for him as they know the situation and we don't have any friends that are in contact with him. We have pretty much, other than family, been loners for a number of years. I am going to put his gun in the gun vault as well though. I would not want him possibly getting shot by police if he was waving it around and I had to call 911. If someone is waving a gun around they cannot take any chances and I might not be in a position to let them know soon enough (depending on the circumstances) that I unloaded it. Not worth taking a chance on tragedy to preserve his ego.

Good idea!

Just talked to my honey... he is yelling, screaming at me and then hung up on me as I refused to bring him a large bag of M & Ms. (he is diabetic and on a restricted diet). Should be an interesting visit but thank heaven I am talking with the social worker today at 2pm. More later. Y'all have a good afternoon.

The visit went well with my honey.. I talked to the social worker and did sign papers for the psychiatrist to eval him for his meds. His discharge date is the 14th and we are starting the process to get everything ready for his discharge to home.

The visit with my honey went well and this is the best I have seen him in the last several months. For once he was not argumentative, verbally abusive or angry. He was more like the man I have known for the last 30 years. Don't get me wrong I am still not letting my guard down.

Good to hear, Dusti! Glad the visit went well.

Thanks SnoopyLove. In many ways looking forward to him coming home.

In 24 hours, he went from yelling and screaming at you, to being repentant and sweet. I see a manipulative abuser. Yet you are looking forward to his return home. I'd want to make sure that his drugs are 100% right and have complete voluntary compliance before bringing him home. And I'd think I'd have someone stay overnight the first few days, too. I'm worried about your safety, Dusti.

Hi Surprise...thank you for caring about me. His brother and SIL are supposed to be coming in for his homecoming. Going to rent a rollaway bed so that they will be here with me at least for the first night or two. He is being seen by a psychiatrist tomorrow to evaluate him both for his meds and to evaluate his mental state. So I should know by the end of the week what happened as now the rehab is talking to me and giving me the info that I need. All guns (we have 4..forgot about the one's that my Dad gave me many years ago) are in the vault and I will be sleeping light and watching for any signs. Should be ok since they are coming up. We will have intermittent caregiver, visiting nurse and to be quite honest I am not going to put up with any bs from him. I have my inner strength back and a wall built around it.

Hi everyone...hope that last post did not come out wrong. Y'all have a great night!

You too, Dusti. I hope you have been able to keep an eye on your own health issues through all this.

Hi Snoopy..sorry about the late response. Yep...finally visited my primary care after over a year. Overall, considering, I am in pretty good health. Doctor put me on short term pain med for my back as he thinks it is severe muscle spasms (did not do xrays). Also put me on anti-panic to help with the IBSD. My honey comes home today so please say a few prayers and wish me luck. Have a great day!

Good luck, Dusti. Please don't be alone with him at any point. At the very least, you need witnesses to any "she's stealing, she's abusing" comments.

Hi Guestshopadmin...Thanks for your response...I have no choice on being alone with him right now as his brother and SIL are not going to be able to make it up until next weekend. But all weapons are in a gun safe and I have the only key and combination and I refuse to walk on egg shells any more around him. Hadn't in 30 years except from Feb to May when he became so verbally abuse and am now back to my old self. Never worried about a physical threat until the day he threatened me by saying I had just signed my warrant. He has not repeated that since. I will still give my honey cooling off periods (will go to my study with our "fur babies") if he gets too out of hand, but will tolerate no abuse of any kind. If it appears that there is a physical threat our police department response time is approx. 1 minute and I can out run him until then. I am not afraid...just wary right now to see if how he has been acting recently has been an act or if he has truly gone back to how he was prior to last November (loving and caring). Right now I will give him the benefit of the doubt (with precautions in place) unless I see different (my radar is on alert...though he will not know). I will keep y'all posted and hope for the best. There is no other choice at this point.

dusti - let us know how you are after he settles in.

Hi Golden.... Good morning! Well today is day three. Things have been crazy around here. The first evening (they did not check him out until after 4pm) went really well. My honey was really sweet and wanted me to sit with him. Yesterday he was more cranky as we had a lot going on (had washing machine repair and dryer vent cleaners out as well as delivery and visiting nurse. By the way if you have not had your dryer vent to the outside cleaned may want to look at doing it. Ours was nearly 100% clogged after 10 years of living here and we were lucky we had not had a fire) and started the 5 year old spoiled child act again. Got mad because I would not drop everything and go get him food he was not supposed to have. I treated him as I would a spoiled child and ignored his tantrum. When he found out he couldn't push my buttons it quit. Last night he ran out of his IV (nurse contacted the rehab and was told it would last until today and no way to dispute without the actual date and time it was changed prior) and I had to call in and have them walk me through changing it at midnight last night. This morning it started leaking so I corrected it. My honey started in this morning about donuts (he is not supposed to have) and headed toward temper tantrum, and told me he was back in the s**t hole again. I told him that's nice to know how he really feels about living here and I headed for the shower. I was getting ready to fix breakfast when the visiting nurse called and said she was on her way and again he started working up to a temper tantrum again and I told him he needs to learn patience. My honey said he is tired of people telling him that...I reminded him I am not people I am his honey and he needs to learn patience and walked away. Think he is frustrated as he cannot get a rise out of me. When I respond to his bad behavior I do it in a calm, quiet manner just as I would with a child. I meant what I said. I will not tollerate his bad behavior or verbal abuse...period. So it has been interesting so far. By the way the guns are in the gun vault where they will stay unless I need to protect us.

So we shall see what today forward brings. He has to realize that the world (and I) do not revolve around him. I have a business (actually two) that I am trying to move forward with. Anyway, I have a feeling it is going to be a challenge (just physically taking care of him..not including the mental part...can't take my pain med or anti panic as I have to stay sharp in case something goes wrong with his IV). Though he is mobile, he has gone back to the old habit of couch to dining room chair and then restroom or back to couch. If he refuses to do his walking and exercise he will know that 1. he is an adult and it is on his head and 2. If he starts swelling again..I will call 911 to take him back to the hospital.

Y'all have a great weekend and I will keep y'all posted on the ongoing saga. (smile)

ps: Breakfast is done and my honey is doing his exercises without me prompting him. Yea!!