Follow
Share

I just returned from a visit with my honey at the hospital. After leaving his room, (after the third time while I was there of telling me to get the *bleep* out, I wasn't any use to him and that he did not want me there) I broke down in tears and cried all the way home. His doctor was there ( I had just talked to him a short time before) and I told him I was leaving for the day as my being there was getting my honey agitiated and if he needed anything to call me. Doctor understood. My honey was angry that everything he need required me to lift him and I couldn't do it because of my back. I asked him to call the nurse so she could help get him up and he flat refused. Saying it was my problem (they had him sitting in the chair) not the nurse's. I said I could not do it alone. A tech came in about that time and he tried to lift him (tech was much bigger and stronger than I am) and it took him three tries to get him up while I braced the walker. He said doctor was maybe going to release him tomorrow or tuesday and I told him I would start looking for someone to come in and help. He said don't know how I (not we) will pay for it but it is my problem not his. I told him what I will have to do is have a caregiver in during the day and I will have to go back to work. He started in about how they will not hire me period due to my age. I said part of the reason is my age, but also being a caregiver. I reminded him that we have talked about that aspect in the past and that he is more important than a job. He then threw up in my face about giving me money to help pay the bills ( I pay the bulk of the bills, though I have been out of work since July 2017 and he helps as much as he can). I have never in 30 years seen such a cold, steely, hate filled look as he turned on me when he told me to get out the third time that I was no use to him. I left and I am not sure with his attitude that I want to back up to see him. It was totally uncalled for, mean and scary. How do you handle a situation like this? I am at a loss and heartbroken as he has been my love and soulmate for 30 years and always treated me with love and respect even when we had a disagreement. Since February he has become a mean stranger to me. I don't recognize him any more though other than the edema he still looks the same. This severe edema did not hit until April 1st, but he started being verbally mean around Feb.

Dusty any kind of trauma to the brain which is what a stroke causes can change a person's personality not always for the best.
This is going to be a very difficult time for you as the person you have known and loved is no longer the same. You have suffered a great loss in many cases worse than a death.
You are clearly not strong enough to care for him by yourself at home and would need 24 hour care which I assume you could not afford.
At this point I would talk to the discharge planner and social worker to see what options are available for him.
He is obviously very angry and thinks you should be able to make everything better.
Is the stroke fairly recent. His physical condition may improve with rehab and if he refuses to go you do not have to take him home and suffer.
Right now think of your own situation as far as supporting yourself alone and your living arrangements. How realistic is it for you to go back to work even if he was not in your life. If you are not old enough to retire find out what help may be available for you. Don't be afraid to apply for everything out there and get on any list there may be waiting for subsidized housing etc.
Trying to punish him by not visiting is unlikely to work but continueing the visit is something you can control. Leave at the first sign of nastiness. If you don't feel up to it you don't have to go tomorrow. Use the day to collect your self and face what is becoming a devastating reality and most important of all take care of yourself. Do you have family or friends who would be supportive of you. Cry all you want it does help get the bitterness out of your system. There is always someone around here to talk to when you need so come back often.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Veronica91
Report

Hi rocketjcat. Please don't apologize as no apology is necessary… I agree, it is scary. I am not leaving though as I own our home. He is not on the mortgage. As for him saying I would be lucky if he came home...I told him no he will be very lucky with his current attitude and treatment of me if I allow him to come home ( forgot to put that in my prior post...was too pissed...'cuse the French). I won't lock up his weapon, just unload it so where he can't say I stole his weapon and will put the bullets, with my loaded weapon. in the gun safe that I am getting ready to purchase, (we each have our own handguns). I thought the same thing on the warrant. I can't see how telling him that he is turning into the male version of his mother would warrant that kind of talk. He hated the way she acted when we all lived together and hated walking on egg shells because of it. I am actually really concerned. I believe that he has turned his family against me as we were close until they called him direct the other day and before he got sick. They were always checking on how he was doing and how I am doing, but now their texts are always how is he doing and then once I tell them I don't hear anything back so heaven only knows what he has told them. I think the reason I have kept going back was that I did not want to believe that my honey was taking the path that it appears he is. I have my big girl panties on and know I can make it on my own. I have taken care of myself since I was 18. It breaks my heart that in these last three months he has done everything he can to destroy our relationship and then has the ….. to blame it on me. I mean I am no angel but I have bit my tongue to keep from hurting him by saying something that I would regret later. Until he said this today, I had thought maybe I am imagining things and just being too sensitive. This cured that thought. When he just kept saying you signed your warrant I got out of there fast. I did let the nurses know that he was agitated so they would be aware. He has not been diagnosed with dementia but it would explain a lot. I don't want to give up on the 30 years, but at the same time I have to keep my pups and myself safe. What a dilemma.  I guess no women wants to believe that her man might be a danger to her. 

I have decided I am going to contact some battered women's groups.  Thank you and everyone for listening to me vent. And for all of your advice, support and help. It means the world to me.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Dusti22
Report

Dusti, I've been where you are. I dated a real douchebag for a while. My self-esteem was so low that by the time he was through with me you would have had to scrape me off the ground. We were at a restaurant once with some friends of his and as I was coming back to the table a woman sitting at a nearby table called me over and said very emphatically "that guy does not love you!" I asked her what he had been saying about me and the woman didn't even want to say. People were warning me about him every time I turned around but when a complete stranger tells you something like that you would think I would have listened. It finally got to the point where I had to go stay with my Mom for a while when he moved out. He stole all my jewelry, and a big box of a bunch of my personal things like letters and little mementos that would have meant nothing to him. All just to spite me. He told my Mom to Fu*k off for no reason. He beat my cat up. He threw my clothes out the window, destroyed my coffee table etc., etc.

I don't know why your husband has suddenly turned but under no circumstances stay with this man if you feel like you are in any danger. Even if he doesn't physically assault you. Verbal abuse is abuse. Please listen to your gut and do what it tells you to do.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Gershun
Report

I'm sorry, but being abusive and then the next day apologizing and saying they will never do that again is just so typical of a serious abuser! Most of us who have been in abusive relationships and who don't get therapy from a real professional counselor - not just a pastor, but someone who is trained in psychology - are going to find a new guy who feels comfortable like the old one, and is also an abuser. We just don't see that he's an abuser right off. Telling them that you have been a victim of domestic violence just confirms to them that you are weak.


I know you don't want to trust yourself to read your posts like an outsider. I don't want you to be another statistic. I would rather give up my 30 year relationship by being safe than giving up my 60+ years of life by being nice. Let him win your trust back with more than a 10-minute conversation. Make him work for your love.



Get someone else to transfer him to the hospital - it might even be included on his insurance plan. You need to be sure that he is safe through a full neurological exam before you ever consider allowing him back into your home. Calling 911 and relying on rusty self-defense skills when you can't help him up out of his chair does not cut it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to surprise
Report

Dusti, I’m sorry if this sounds blunt, but I would stop visiting him. If you want to check on his status, call the nursing station or talk to his doctor. At least to be updated in case of his discharge without your knowledge. Personally I’d pack up my stuff, lock up or take his gun, and leave. That’s what he wants, that’s what I’d give him. This is mental abuse, and it turns my stomach reading about how your “honey” manipulates and demeans you. And you continue to go back for more. He said you’d be “lucky if he comes home to you”. I say you’d be unlucky. Signing the “warrant”? I have only heard of that phrase in connection with a death warrant. Be gone. He has mental problems/and or dementia uncontrolled. I’m sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear, but I’m hungry and angry (hangry! ) and it upsets me to no end what some men think we will endure and come back for more.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to rocketjcat
Report

Dusti. I love the sound of women pulling up their big girl panties!! Please make sure the rehab social worker and the doctor know he has threatened you and you fear for your safety and cannot bectekeaded to Your home. As do we. Tape him on your phone if you can. And I’m happy to know it’s really Your home. That’s great. Regarding the guns please realize that if you leave his weapon unloaded but accessible... he can always buy more ammo! Please rethink this. If you need to call 911 and tell the officers where the weapon is and that you fear for your safety they will confiscate it. Good. Get your house in order and cut back your visits to this abuser.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to rocketjcat
Report

Dusti, this is very sad for you, but there’s something going on inside his head that you can not control. But you can control your response and handle this on your terms, not his. This apology may be a means of getting your guard down. No matter his sudden conciliatory words, I wouldn’t trust him. He asked not to change the locks so he could get clothes? Lame excuse. Clothes can be boxed up by you and left for him somewhere. Without changing the locks he can have access inside your house 24 hours a day unannounced. Good for him, not for you. Changing the locks was the 1st thing my stepdaughter did when she broke up with her bf, and he wasn’t abusive, just a jerk. But you never know what jerks are capable of in an emotionally fraught situation.

So he is still at a rehab, and will be going from there to a hospital appointment on Monday? I strongly recommend bringing a girlfriend or someone with you. Sometimes the aides at rehab can accompany a patient to appointments. In fact Moms NH is required to send an aide unless a family member goes. Please talk to the social worker or the RN manager about that. Why do you have to go at all? Honestly I dont think I would ever be alone with this man again.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to rocketjcat
Report

Dusti, I'm not a doctor and I've never met your husband. But if I had to guess, I might think that he'd developed Vascular Dementia, perhaps mixed with some other kind of dementia.

His reasoning ability and his connection to reality ( thinking that you can lift him, etc) seemed to indicate that he's lost his grip in some elemental way.

I'd insist the geri psych people do a complete workup. If med adjustments need to be made, they should be made in the rehab or in a geri psych unit, where there is safety, both for you and he.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Hi Snoopy,
Thanks, I hadn't thought of what would happen if I call 911 and he is waving the gun around. As to bullets, his family (brother and SIL) won't get any for him as they know the situation and we don't have any friends that are in contact with him. We have pretty much, other than family, been loners for a number of years. I am going to put his gun in the gun vault as well though. I would not want him possibly getting shot by police if he was waving it around and I had to call 911. If someone is waving a gun around they cannot take any chances and I might not be in a position to let them know soon enough (depending on the circumstances) that I unloaded it. Not worth taking a chance on tragedy to preserve his ego.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Dusti22
Report

My pups will alert me if anything happens while I am sleeping and I have become a very light sleeper. Where they sleep I would be awake long before he could hurt them. As to me as I have said I am a very light sleeper. His gun is unloaded in his drawer and my gun and all the bullets for both are locked up in the gun safe and he has no access. Thank you Mally for being worried about me. I am wary which will make me an even lighter sleeper. Since the guns are secured, I am not as concerned as I will have to help him get dressed for bed so I will know that he has not brought anything with him. If he does start showing violent tendancies I will call 911, invoke the medical power attorney that I have and then have him taken to the hospital.

But I do want to talk to his social worker and psychiatrist that did the eval before I bring him home.. Hope to talk to them tomorrow or Tues
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Dusti22
Report

See All Answers