I have been married for less than six months, to a great guy. Indeed, I first fell for him because he was sensitive, kind and took care of his family. Fast forward from July "I Do" to January ... when we have been living on separate continents since OCTOBER because he is caring for his mom. She had a heart valve replacement (second one) and it went very badly when the aorta tore. She almost died, but survived...only to face a long, difficult recovery that she is not handling well....and a recovery that she seems unaware or unconcerned is totally ripping us apart. Because he is an only child and his parents live in Europe (where he grew up) he has been over there trying to care for them. She is still in the hospital, and while the heart is healing well, she has mentally lost it. Screams all day. Berates his father for everything. Has started resisting PT. My husband is constantly upset, and in the few moments we have to talk via Skype with me trying to work and the six-hour time difference, our conversations are interrupted by screaming mom.
Where this is making me hopeless is how neglected I feel, and how I am made to feel like a bad, insensitive person for complaining. My husband's job lets him work remotely... my work in teaching does not. I had to come back and go back to work. He is a mama's boy, for certain, and I know that is partly cultural. But, my husband keeps getting frustrated with me for being "resentful" of a situation that is "not his parents' fault." While I (logically) understand his mom is mentally ill from the long stay and that the medicines are not helping by addling her brain more, at the end of the day, I DO resent being made to be a second (or third) class citizen in my own marriage. I do resent that this dad, who is 80, cannot even fry an egg or make ANY food and refused to have me teach him when I went over there over Christmas and had almost a month of my school vacation to try to teach him. I do resent that his parents were so afraid of technology that they refused to ever learn even the simplest skills, so they literally cannot open a web browser and hence everything from bill pay to checking their insurance/social security (they live in a country with single payer healthcare) falls on my husband, taking even more of the time away from our few minutes to talk. I resent that because his mother never worked, she does not understand why we cannot both quit our jobs and wait on her. I resent that she doesn't seem to be trying anymore and does not seem to care that her behavior is wrecking our marriage. And yes, I do resent that his mom, knowing she had had rheumatic fevers which weakened her heart as a child, still chose to SMOKE most of her life.
It is just so, so frustrating because I do not know how to talk to him, or how to express these feelings. I do feel sorry for them ... but I am also mad. Really, really mad. I was finally getting to the place in life where my career was taking off, where we were making enough money to live well...and I'm only 35 and suddenly my life revolves around a mother-in-law who does not even seem to notice that I have been essentially abandoned here in the states to wait. I feel so hopeless, like I have no one to talk to. And I feel like a bad person for being resentful because every time I express how lonely I feel, my husband gets even more upset and makes me feel worse (and likes to remind me that I did indeed say I was so impressed by his care for his family when we first met). I don't know what to do, but honestly, there are days where I wish I could turn the clock back four years to when we met. I love him, but living like this is killing me and I don't know what to do (and yes, everyone says "couples therapy" but I cannot even do that right now because he is not here)