Caring for my mom for past 20 years. She lives alone in her home. Her desire. I have taken care of everything from groceries to medical appointments to her bills… everything. Now that her health is being more challenging, I look to my siblings for help. But because Mom is not confident in anyone but me to help her, she prefers my siblings not to help. This is fine. My mom trusts me. I get it. But I am now resenting my brother and sister for not even trying to get involved for the past 20 years. They figured if I didn’t ask for help, then I must not have needed it.
I will continue to care for my mom with all my heart. But how do I cope with the pain and disappointment I have with my siblings? In my eyes, it is NOT ok to be so self absorbed and take it for granted that I will take care of our mom by myself. I hate to say it, but today I actually started wishing I were an only child. That way I would not be resenting anyone for not helping. I feel bad I am thinking this way. But I am being honest, any advise?
Your mother isn’t living independently in her own house. It’s clear she is entirely dependent on you to stay in her house.
She is living dependently in her own house. The word choice is important.
i’m a black belt in karate. i’ll kick your siblings’ butts one day. so will karma.
i have some terrible, terrible family members. you have no idea.
OP, i wish you (and all of us here), a great life. find a way.
step 1: if possible, stay away from terrible people. they don’t change, they get worse. don’t trust them! document everything, if necessary. you might need the proof later.
step 2: build yourself a WONDERFUL life. you can do it. easier said than done, but YOU CAN DO IT. YOU MUST DO IT.
❤️❤️❤️
your friend,
bundle of joy
I did most of what my mom needed during her last years. What hurt me was I couldn't understand why my siblings didn't want to help more. My mom trusted me the most just like your mom and I understood that I was the logical choice. But she was a wonderful woman and mother. Why my siblings wouldn't want to help more.........well that irked me. Still does, 9 yrs. after her death.
I've forgiven my sibs cause, well, forgiveness is mostly for the person who is forgiving. Holding all that resentment inside was only hurting me. They didn't have a clue that I was mad and even if they did know it wouldn't have changed anything. I'll never see them in the same light again. Our relationships have changed since mom died. We rarely see each other or talk. But eventually ya gotta let bygones be bygones.
Mom's health will continue to worsen. That's a given. By this time, if your siblings haven't caught on that you need more help, and if they aren't willing to provide it, it's not going to happen. The way to get over your disappointment in them is to stop expecting help from that quarter. Chop off the expectations and set your sights on another way of getting help. Move forward with that.
Then have a come-to-Jesus meeting with mom. (No point in including the sibs because they'll feel momentarily guilt under pressure, but after they've told you they'll help, they won't. They never do.) Tell mom that you're going to hire help and pay them with her money. Then she has a fit (manipulation, gotta pile on the guilt). Then you tell her that caregiving is exhausting and you wish to stay mentally healthy, so if she doesn't like it, that's too bad. Then hire people.
Better yet, find an assisted living facility for mom. She'll have activities and people to help her. You can be free and still care for your mom with all your heart, but you will no longer be her slave.
Elders who make no plans for their old age often feel overentitled. Your mom is one of those. It's wrong to expect an adult child to help them live "independently" when there is nothing independent about it. Twenty years. That's 7300 days and 7300 nights of responsibility for you. You didn't deserve that.
Whatever you do, don't take her into YOUR home "to make it easier." That's a sure disaster, and it's never easier. I hope your find help soon.
Someone should do a cross-stitch of that.
You have a lot of skill sets in managing a sick person. Take a good inventory of what's happening now. You sound burned out. Which is a given at this point. No need to bother with the siblings. "They don't have to change. I can." They aren't going to do squat. Oh well. You'll see 'em at the funeral. That'll be about as much as they can manage. Otherwise, time to get your ducks in a row. All paperwork done-POA, DPOA, will, any estate stuff. Do you use an elder lawyer? If not, time to find one. Protect your assests. Understand the laws in your state. Don't think your siblings won't try some pretty rotten stuff.
Placement for you mother may be a harsh reality. Are you ready for another 20+ years of this? Folks are living longer. If that is your choice, then have at the very least a weekly caregiver come in to help you.
I personally was an RN for my career. While I loved it, it had 5 weeks vacation, worked three 12 hour shifts per week, had 12 ill days and 12 personal/holiday days. With that it was a piece of cake to maintain a great attitude and love what I did. But it did teach me that I would never want to do hands on care for anyone 24/7, nor to be responsible for the care in that manner. Not only does it take over your life, cause great anxiety, require endless patience, but it removes you from being a daughter to being a caregiver. There is a great difference in the roles and they don't meld well.
I would be in the same camp with your siblings. The difference is that I would try to help you in some ways, perhaps with shopping bags of groceries, with a few home cooked meals per month, with some respite for some weeks. But I would at the same time make it very clear to you that I feel an elder who cannot care for him/herself belongs in some kind of care, or needs to provide his/her own caregivers, that I would not be taking on caregiving. I would own up that these are MY OWN limitations, and have nothing to do with your choices.
I am sorry you don't have more help and support, but I would not waste time thinking about that. Others don't change because we wish them to.
I hope that your mother, if she has any means at all, any assets, will recognize the care that you have given her out of your good heart for all this time by making it clear in any will or trust that you are the beneficiary of a large portion of any estate to a much larger extent than your siblings because of the care you have provided her. I truly hope she is cognizant of this care and has made provisions, but I find that seldom happens.
I am sorry. I recognize your good heart. I would vote for you if you are running for Sainthood, but it is a bad job description and I advise against it. You are clearly a giving and good hearted person. We don't all fit those specifications; I surely don't. And it appears your siblings don't either.
I never thought by taking on this responsibility 20 years ago, that my siblings would then hold me 100% responsible and leave me with no support.
And I am assuming they are conveniently forgetting that this is their mother too. I am not just asking help for me, but for OUR mother.
Just very disappointed.
Your mother does not live alone in her home. She has a full staff of domestic servants round-the-clock all wrapped up in one person. YOU.
She only wants and trusts you helping her and won't have anyone else. With all respect to you and your mother that's about the most selfish thing one person can do to another. When a parent behaves this way and refuses to be flexible and open-minded about their care, even if they love their child very much, they have no respect for them or their lives.
They don't care what that adult child has to give up or sacrifice so long as their needs, wants, and demands are are met by that person exactly how they want them met.
I think this may be where your feelings of resentment originate. Your siblings need to step up and do more. So talk to them. My friend, I did homecare for 25 years and saw every family dynamic play out. I was the family scapegoat since I was a little kid and pretty much had to be the parent to my mentally ill, histrionic, hypochondriac mother then in turn became her care slave for a while in later years. My siblings did and do ZERO. So, I get it.
You have to come right out and tell your siblings you need help. No one is going to offer to help with caregiving for an elderly person (even with pay) because no one really wants to do it. People have lives, jobs, families... So don't expect them to offer. You have to tell them plainly.
Next, your mother will have to get over herself and her refusal to have anyone but you doing for her nonsense. Bring in outside hired help to take over some of her caregiving needs if your family won't help.
You've unintentionally created a dynamic where your mother has been turned into a senior-brat who is permitted to demand that only you will provide for her needs. That has to stop today.
She will learn to adapt to hired or family caregivers with some of her needs if the alternative is she does without or goes into a care facility.
You'd be amazed at how fast a needy and demanding elder gets compliant with hired caregiver help when their family stops catering to them and the threat of placement becomes real.
Feels better now that I can release them. Still hurts sometimes, but lessens when I remind myself there is nothing worth holding on to that is healthy.
I do hope you are finding some peace too. Some days are better than others
I have two older sisters. When I took on this job of caregiving and it is a job for sure, I spoke to them about the help they could provide, what they would be willing to do etc. Ended up they did minimal, but something. Although they promised so much more. I was resentful and hurt like you. Trust me it takes time to get over it, but you can get over it! Get help if Mom's finances allow. I have help come in everyday, but one. On that day we do Dr appts etc. so I leave it open on purpose. One sister comes one day for a few hours when it fits her schedule. The other does nothing anymore to help. I was never close to this eldest sister anyway. She is selfish and mean spirited. Her husband and children are the same. I have cut ties other than being civil if we cross paths. Which luckily isn't often! My other sister and I were very close at one time but that was because she needed me to help raise her two daughters when her husband left her. I realize now that once she didn't need me or my Mom we weren't close anymore. I have come to terms with this. This is life. Families aren't perfect and from what I've seen over the years it's more common to have one child doing more or all the caregiving.
I have a wonderfully supportive husband and three fantastic children. I am blessed. As I see it it is my sisters' loss. They are missing out on a wonderful family that they have ruined the relations with because they couldn't give up a few hours a week to help with their Mom, who was a good Mom btw. Whom they are missing out on as well.
Every once in awhile I will shake my head and then I stop myself from giving those people another moment of my precious time and energy. They are so not worth it. Instead I focus on gratitude each and every day. The good in my life, even on the hard days, I turn to what is good in my life and thankfully it outweighs the bad. So trust me, it takes time. it's not easy but you can move past it.
Your relationship with your siblings will forever be changed, like mine is. But if they were not siblings, would you be friends with them? I asked myself this question and realized the sad but painful truth that no I would not give them the time of day. It's is sort of a grieving process really.
My last piece of advice is take time for you. No one else will take care of you. If your Mom can afford help get it, or look into programs that help in your area. Respite is needed and necessary! Don't try to be a hero, just being there for the last 20 proves that. Getting hired help or moving loved ones into care facilities is NOT a sign of weakness or that we don't care, in fact, it is quite the opposite. It shows how much we care that we know we can't provide the amount of care that is needed for our loved ones.
Hope this helps! and I wish you all the best on your caregiving journey!