How to deal with resentment because siblings are relying on you to do all the caregiving?

1.
I think it was John Bradshaw who suggested:

Guilt is when expectations of oneself conflict with our behavior. To stop the guilt, we can change our expectations or our behavior. * I'm not suggesting this is easy.

Resentment is when our expectations of another conflicts with their behavior. To change our resentment, we must change our expectations. * I'm not suggesting this is easy.

2.
Years ago I learned to think of "forgiving" as "for giving" up to the Universe, God, Cosmic Consciousness, or the higher power called by some other name.

3.
In the end, we live with ourselves - our actions. Resentment doesn't affect anyone in a positive way. For our own well-being it is better to find healthy alternatives. Perhaps that involves an open honest discussion with our family. Perhaps it involves meditation, long walks, conscious breathing, a support group, etc.

My Chiropractor told me " The caregiving usually Falls on One Person . " I wish I was an Only child .

As much as we would love it, people don’t read minds.

If you didn’t ask for help, then you didn’t tell people you needed help.

I agree, Burnt.

In many cases there are valid reasons why some people feel resentment.

The trick is not to allow resentment to destroy our own lives, to the point where it becomes counterproductive.

We can’t fix anyone else’s behavior or problems. In all honesty, if we have tried to help someone and they refuse help, then it’s not in our best interest to keep trying. It’s not our job to solve all of their issues.

It’s their responsibility to make changes in their lives, just like it’s our responsibility to make changes for ourselves to make life better for ourselves.

I do feel that it’s healthy to honor our feelings, but not dwell on it for too long. Then, move forward and focus on our own progression.

That’s what you did by starting your own business, instead of continuing to be your mom’s caregiver.

Unfortunately, I learned many lessons the hard way, especially with my oldest brother, who struggled with addiction. The more I helped him, the less incentive he had to do anything for himself. I went through a period of feeling resentment.

It is sad that some of us were temporarily blinded by our emotions due to our sincere desire to help others. We fall, we get hurt, we get back up. That’s life.

Finally, I realized that it was everyone’s best interests to step aside and allow them to figure it out or not.

Sadly, some people never figure things out.

I truly celebrate when I see anyone who is able to turn their circumstances around and live their lives to the fullest. Congrats on starting your own business!

We shouldn’t ever lose sight of hope for a better tomorrow. So many caregivers feel trapped. Usually, there is a way out for them.

Face reality. People make choices.

Even if you were an only child as you wish, nothing would be any different. Caregiving usually falls upon one person, even if they have a dozen siblings.

Be honest, how many people do you know where everyone does their equal share of anything? By the way, that’s impossible to do, even if they want to. People work all different hours, someone gets sick, they travel with their job, etc.

Life will never be perfect. You either make the best of a tough situation or you change the situation.

Your siblings are the smart ones. Your mom needs to be in AL, and you need to get your life back. You have already lost 20 years that you will never get back.

Here's the thing about resentment. There's almost always some truth in why a person feels resentful.

Your mother does not live alone in her home. She has a full staff of domestic servants round-the-clock all wrapped up in one person. YOU.

She only wants and trusts you helping her and won't have anyone else. With all respect to you and your mother that's about the most selfish thing one person can do to another. When a parent behaves this way and refuses to be flexible and open-minded about their care, even if they love their child very much, they have no respect for them or their lives.

They don't care what that adult child has to give up or sacrifice so long as their needs, wants, and demands are are met by that person exactly how they want them met.

I think this may be where your feelings of resentment originate. Your siblings need to step up and do more. So talk to them. My friend, I did homecare for 25 years and saw every family dynamic play out. I was the family scapegoat since I was a little kid and pretty much had to be the parent to my mentally ill, histrionic, hypochondriac mother then in turn became her care slave for a while in later years. My siblings did and do ZERO. So, I get it.

You have to come right out and tell your siblings you need help. No one is going to offer to help with caregiving for an elderly person (even with pay) because no one really wants to do it. People have lives, jobs, families... So don't expect them to offer. You have to tell them plainly.

Next, your mother will have to get over herself and her refusal to have anyone but you doing for her nonsense. Bring in outside hired help to take over some of her caregiving needs if your family won't help.

You've unintentionally created a dynamic where your mother has been turned into a senior-brat who is permitted to demand that only you will provide for her needs. That has to stop today.
She will learn to adapt to hired or family caregivers with some of her needs if the alternative is she does without or goes into a care facility.

You'd be amazed at how fast a needy and demanding elder gets compliant with hired caregiver help when their family stops catering to them and the threat of placement becomes real.

Thank you for your kind response CaringWifeAZ. I feel the desire to take care of my Mom because I know what she went through to raise us, especially since my Dad passed away when I was a young age. I enjoy my time with my mother, but it is so hard to see her hearing deminish, and how I need to explain things slowly. I really wish I can share this with my siblings, but they seem to be too busy. Makes me sad’ but know my sadness is has turned into resentment. Hate to say this, but I almost wish I were an only child so I do not have to get disappointed in the lack of their involvement. They really have not been of any help, yet they rely on me to help my Mom. Honestly, I am going to cherish the time with my Mom, and just feel sad that my siblings simply don’t have the same closeness to my Mom. It’s a shame. But I am working on it not being a shame I have to live with

I can tell from your post that you are a caring, loving daughter with your mom’s best interest at heart. My story is the same as yours. My dad passed in 2001 and I stepped in to assist my mom as needed. As she grew older and in the last 3 years of her life, she was declining more and more. She resisted hiring any help because she just wanted me so I started the process slowly. I hired caretakers for about 2-3 hours in the morning. Her needs increased and I hired additional help for 2-3 hours in evening. Mom had 15 hospitalizations over a 15 month period, 35 Dr appts in 1 year, 45 dr visits the next year. I begged my siblings for help due to my exhaustion and was repeatedly told no as they were living their lives. Then, I hired a live in as mom could no longer live alone. I continued to visit either daily or every other day to give the live-in a break for about 4 hours. (In the meantime, my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer and had half his lung removed so I needed to care for him). I also had hospice care for mom for 2 years and a hospice aide came daily from Monday to Friday 2 hours a day which also helped give the live-in a break. I had a geriatric Dr or his nurse practitioner visit at least monthly (if not more if she was sick), a hospice nurse visited a minimum of once a week, plus a chaplain came weekly. Mom received excellent care. I used her monies to pay for the live in that i hired through an agency(I paid over $200k with mom’s money over a 3 year period between part-time hourly and live-in aides). The hospice nurse and aide was covered by Medicare as well as her geriatric Dr and nurse practitioner.

My siblings did not speak to me, did not offer help in spite of my repeated requests and accused me of stealing my mom’s money. I wanted to make sure that I was handling her affairs properly and was concerned about the Medicaid look back period. Mom kept cashing in her bonds and was giving my siblings several thousand dollars each. I was worried if she ran out of money, how could she pay for her much needed care. Nursing homes are not free which my siblings did not seem to understand! In my area, they cost around $13,000 a month. I promised I would not put her in a nursing home so the live-in home health aide was the only option not to mention it was several thousand dollars a month cheaper

I went to an elder care attorney when I witnessed mom going downhill. The best thing I did was keep meticulous documents, prepared spreadsheets of all expenses for all medical costs, home maintenance, food, clothing, invoices as that is documented proof of all monies spent. The attorney told me that mom could not longer gift monies to my siblings because once she only had $2000 left, then Medicaid would do a 5 year look back period and there was a “penalty”. I told mom she needed the money for her care and if there was any monies remaining, that was the time my siblings could get whatever was left.

So, that started a war…how dare I tell my mom how to spend her money. I was cursed out, threatened, abandoned, disparaged, labeled etc. So, it is now two years after mom’s death and I am now dealing with legal issues. Mom’s house was in a trust and so far, the trust (which will be split 5 ways has incurred $19,000 in attorney fees so far). After the trust settles, then more legal issues with settling the estate. I am confident it will all work out because of my extensive documentation.
This whole ordeal is so painful, stressful, and incomprehensible to me. Someday, this will all be over and I will get to the other side.

Do take the time to take care of yourself, HIRE help as needed for your self preservation and to assist in mom’s needs, if you have requests help and they do not respond, accept that and do what you need to do!

Unhelpful siblings should be shown the door without hesitation.
They deserve nothing but scorn. Get them out of your life!

Let your siblings know the challenges you face daily.They may or may not care like you do.My husband and I just went through this same scenario with his siblings. instead of being thankful they were mad at us when we hired an aid to help with the care.They both had mobility and dementia problems.I never bothered the family unless I really needed help and they always had an excuse for not helping. Mom and Pop passed and now they are there getting the house ready to sell.Now I wont help them and my husband feels alot of pain from a family lost. They continue to be angry with us for hiring help....but beleive me when I say we were desperate. I wish I would have communicated to them all that we were doing but we were exhausted from work and caregiving and did not take the time. I hope this doesnt happen to you....they should commend you for the undertaking.

Hi, First of all, thank yourself and honor yourself for all the hard work you've put in, by yourself, to assist your Mom as she ages. I am going on 7 years and do not know if I can continue, on my own, for the next 1-3yrs? No one knows how a loved one is going to deteriorate or when they will die. My brother only helped out when I gave him a list of bills and told him to pick a few he could pay for automatically every month. Living an hour away with his work hours and my mother's waking hours, I knew he would never come to give me respite. His way to help me was through giving money. I was able to get a bathroom repaired and small redo. I learned to accept his way of giving and when. Don't let anyone make you feel like a fool, or endlessly trapped or feel guilty in any way for taking care of your Mom. You do it because you care about her and you stepped up to the plate to help. Maybe you were the only one who could do so more easily or its in your personality. Congratulate yourself for doing the best you can. However, do look into other options for care down the road, if not now, as she deteriorates whether you need to move her to an assisted facility or bring in help (paid care). See what her insurance covers. Ask your siblings for specific help that you need. Provide a list. Let them decide. It could be just monetarily or a couple of days off to sit with your Mom. Whatever they feel comfortable with. I feel more relatives/friends/ siblings should call or check in with a solo caregiver to see what they need, give support or offer some kind of help. But unfortunately, that rarely happens in this world. Some people say, well, they don't know what you need. That may be true, but that's also, in my opinion, kind of an out. It falls into the lap of the one needing assistance, to call and find people to help. The other perspective is, a good, caring friend neighbor, sibling, relative could call/text you and JUST ASK you if there is anything, in particular, they could do for you today or during the week. Could be just an errand for you. I rarely get calls from friends to see how I'm doing with caregiving or just to lend an ear. Friends of my mother ask me how she is doing when they have her number and could call her. One time I told an old friend of hers after the 5th time she asked me how she was doing...I said "Why don't you give her a call; she'd love to hear a voice. Here is her number, again." After that, I never saw that woman and she never called my mother. Haha!
Take your time, stay wise and patient and maybe seek an elder care attorney for advice. Also, get advice and help from a social worker which could be referenced from your mother's primary doctor. If you feel resentment, that's okay. I felt it for a long time, when I did not get any help or even phone calls to my mother from family whom she took care of for eons. But you will get past the resentment or it will eat you up. Resentment comes from expectations. Focus on what you can/ will do for Mom (not what you think you should) and how YOU ARE going to retrieve some of your life back. It's OKAY to feel any way you want; just don't let the negative stick or it will hold you back. Move on, pat yourself on the back and find other ways to get yourself some relief. You cannot change self-absorbed, self-centered people.

Don't expect others to read your mind and know what you need w/o asking for it! Have an honest conversation with your siblings AND with mom. You can't bear this load for her alone any longer. Either the siblings take on some of the load or mom pays for in home caregivers or goes into managed care. It's not about what she wants anymore after TWO DECADES, it's about what she and you NEED.

DaughterSD: My brother stated "I will not do the out-of-state caregiving." That left me to soldier on solo. Ugh! Very difficult to leave my life behind and move in with my mother to provide care.

Bottom line for you is that you cannot make your siblings step up to the caregiving role. It's going to fall on deaf ears. Your mom will have to opt for residence in a managed care facility. You simply can't soldier on after two DECADES.

You state ….“ Caring for my mom for past 20 years . She lives alone in her home . Her desire. “
You agreed to help Mom.
Now Mom’s health is more challenging.

Mom is now more work .
Mom only trusts you.
Mom only wants you to care for her.

Mom’s increasing needs is the problem.

You could ask for help but after 20 years Mom only wants you anyway.

Mom’s needs will continue to increase and she will expect you to keep propping up her “ desire “ .
Resentment for others builds when the work is becoming too much for one . These others do not have to agree to help with Mom’s desire to stay in her home.

Your Mom is the one “ relying on you to do all the caregiving “ , not your siblings .

Mom needs to make compromises , although I doubt she would allow or pay for hired caregivers to give you a break.

Now you find yourself painted into a corner .

What is your exit plan??

You can certainty ASK your siblings for help. You can try asking for specific time, tasks or funds.

Be ready to HEAR their answer. They may say No.
They may disagree.

Disagree with your Mom.
Disagree with you.
Disagree with 'The Plan'.

Mom wants to 'age in place'. OK.

Has Mom made changes?
From the smaller issues eg heavy groceries delivered? To the larger eg downsized to a suitable low-maintenance home/yard/no yard?

Or does Mom expect her life to 'sail' on the same? That her 'kid/kids' will all do the 'rowing'?

Do all the chores, yard work etc. Be chauffeur, maid, personal shopper. Either with their own 2 hands or act as a geriatric care manager running a fleet of home help services.

I have seen this many times.
I have also personally been on both sides of this now.

I had to learn other people have no obligation to make MY choices work out, for me. Works both ways.

Resentment can mean you are giving too much. It is anger which is also a kind of energy.

If you can, try to redirect this energy into CHANGING the situation.

You are the only person who can change how you relate to a situation or feeling.

If it were me, I would consider:
1) reaching out in writing, phone call, and/or in person outlining the degree of the needs and specify what you are doing, need to do and the help / support / assistance you NOW need.

1a) Be very specific in the support you need/want from them and the form it takes (money, time, taking on certain responsibilities) - and 'nail it down' to when it will start - and how. Don't accept: "Okay, I'll help you" -

1b) Listen to them - as hard as this may be - once you outline (as above) what you want/need. Expressing (more?) frustration and anger may continue to push them away.

2) They / siblings may not be 'totally aware' of the need as you've been taking this on yourself for so long.

I see some confusion here as you say "I am now resenting my brother and sister for not even trying to get involved for the past 20 years ... they figured if I didn't ask for help, then I must not have needed it."

Why would they try if you told them years ago that you are / will handle everything (as you continue to say you will continue to do now) ?

It this actually true? Did they say this to you?
If you didn't ask for 20 years, tell them you are asking NOW.
Part of the issue here as I see it is that you aren't taking responsibility for how you've set this up - taking it upon yourself to do EVERYTHING for your mom.
And now 'all of a sudden ... after 20 years, you are resentful (tired, exhausted, and 'finally' wondering "where are they?") - while making the excuse "mom trusts me ... so I do it.' No, you are doing it because you want to and haven't asked or set boundaries of what you will / will not do for 20 years.

3) Realize that what is 'not okay' to you (re being self-absorbed) is okay for others - as seems evident here. You cannot change others - you can enlighten them, ask for support, and then deal with the outcome. What doesn't feel okay to you is what is driving your feelings now - and who is suffering? YOU.

4) How do you let it go? Processing through feelings with the awareness and acceptance of 'this is how it is' - after accepting how it is, then figure out how you will continue on (with or without their support / assistance). Get caregivers in, place mom as needed.

Part of letting it go is feeling / recognizing "I feel angry and disappointed" - it may - these feelings may not go away any time soon or they may stay / stick with you for a very long time. You need to accept 'what is' and figure out how to cope.

You need to start with "I feel bad I am thinking this way" - if you fully allow yourself to FEEL MISERABLE, FEEL DISAPPOINTED, FRUSTRATED - all of your feelings, then you will start to process through them - and face reality. As another said here - your siblings made their decisions and you made yours.

As far as I see it, you make your best 'argument' asking for help (outlined at the beginning here) - write it all down ... I need from you XXX Mom needs from you xxx. I cannot do xxx or continue to do xxx by myself. I need your support as follows xxx.

While there may not be any resolution as you would like (them stepping up and helping mom / you), you can get your energy out by exercise, meditation, taking care of yourself - even getting into counseling if you feel that is needed (I feel it would help you to process your feelings).

I wonder who has legal authority to manage mom's needs / financial / house (if she owns one). Is this you? Are your siblings involved, legally / have authority.

Gena / Touch Matters

You are choosing this (especially continuing to do this) and they are choosing not to. I’m not sure resentment is “fair” when they didn’t make the same choice you did. Maybe that’s what’s missing … you are not recognizing that this is a choice and that not everybody chooses it.

One more thing, I just noticed your bio says you are helping mom live independently in her own house. This is incorrect.

Your mother isn’t living independently in her own house. It’s clear she is entirely dependent on you to stay in her house.

She is living dependently in her own house. The word choice is important.

So many things to discuss here.

1) not everyone is cut out for caregiving. Caregivers get old, tired, sick, die because of caregiving.

2) people in their 60s + might not want to caregive for a 90+ year old. This needs no explanation IMO. I’m tapped out in my 50s.

3) some people have no reasons but don’t want to be bothered and that is their choice to make, no matter what you think about it.

4) some people might find your choice to do this for 20 years odd and they might have opinions about it.

5) do you have a plan for when you can’t do this anymore? As you have already seen, it’s going to keep getting worse and worse and worse unless she dies unexpectedly one day.

6) maybe your parent was abusive in some way and siblings feel no regret about their decision to not caregive for their parent.

7) you have sorta kinda made your mom feel dependent on you so now you have this whole side thing going on where she isn’t going to let you bow out easily, even if it is to take the weekend off.

I’ll stop there. It’s a lot on top of a lot to discuss all parts to this.

You might consider that since they have not been in your shoes, they may not comprehend all that you do. You might want to talk to a counselor about your feelings. It might also help as someone else posted, to delegate specific tasks that would be helpful for you.

You will see I posted this AM also a thread titled "What to do when one's first response to one's LO is to get mad, aggrevated".

maybe what I should do is, for a week, forward my phone to my sibling's number ?!
just kidding.....

Don't give in to resentment, for several reasons:

1. Your siblings may be too emotionally fragile to handle dealing with an aging parent and are keeping their distance to maintain the memory of when that person were at their physical and mental peak.

2. Maybe the relationship between your mom and some of them weren't that great and they're harboring resentment themselves for some ancient grievance.

3. Sometimes siblings checking out is a saving grace. It might turn out that the siblings who aren't helping are the most clueless, clumsy and inept when it comes to certain things. In other words, you're imagining that if they helped, they would be just like you--dutiful and careful in everything you say and do. But you'd be surprised. I have an older sister who checks out regularly and whenever she tried to offer more help, it became troublesome. For example, she would keep giving my mother the saltiest snack item, in spite of being told repeatedly that she has high blood pressure.

It could turn out that asking them to help out could turn into a dynamic you regret. Again, I have an older sister and sometimes, in asking for help, she started to take charge in ways without even asking to be briefed or consulted. If your siblings are older than you, that could very well happen. The older sibling might start acting like the head boss even though you've been running the show for a long time.

4. This phenomenon, of the one kid being in charge of everything, is so commonplace, it's almost like the universe has designed it that way. I once met a guy who said that out of eight children, he was the only one that took care of his mother. I don't know why this happens, but it happens so frequently that I imagine that there's a "science" to it, like when sociologists figured out how large crowds in a huge city make it less likely for one person to help someone. I wouldn't take it to heart because, like I said, it seems to just sort of happen that way for a lot of people.

This is a difficult one.
I struggle with it.

This AM, my dad is "mad" at me for not answering his phone call at midnight. THis is after speaking with him 4 times yesterday.

Then, in a plea for some help from my sibling, at least some advice, he had told me he would call me in the evening - no call from sibling at all.

I cared for both parents. My siblings were not involved. I made decisions that I think they could not have made i.e. preps for funerals, money, estate etc. When mama died I held my daddys hand through the last details. When daddy was close to death one sibling begged for him to come home from the facility - I told my sibling I can't do it alone since you are living here you WILL be in charge of A,B,C and I will do X,Y,Z - he agreed and daddy only lived with us five days until he died. Sibling, and especially me, were so glad that we worked together to get this done. I praised him for stepping up and when the subject comes up I give him the "atta boy" again. My other siblings were not able to assist but I understood because they had their own families to deal with. I am not resentful because of it - I would have been pissed if they had told me yes and then did nothing.
I did have DPOA so that did make it a little easier for me to call the shots. Siblings never gave me a hard time about the decisions I made.
Your siblings can only give what they can - if only it be a phone call, or an occasional visit. Just keep them informed about mom and document it via text or email - this way if they say anything you can tell them you had informed them about moms decline. Know that while I am writing this a prayer was said for you and your family. Cyber hugs : )

I know it's painful, you're suffering from burnout. Everything is coming down to you and can't understand who these people are? Raised with the fact to honor your parents and their needs are more important than mom or yours. Let them go! You will be more focused on the other issues you will need to tend to,lots of things! I'm sure you're doing all the financial work ( bills, homeowners insurance, medical insurance)and the time will come when you might have to sell the house to cover assisted living/ memory care. Overwhelming is an understatement for the work you have to do,let them go! Better off without them causing problems for you! I disowned one brother after mom passed,offering help but bailed out numerous times,other one doesn't drive, never offering anything so I don't hold anything against him. The one was I want the will,where's my share! I'm hoping you don't have any interference with family during her care because you have enough to do. I just recently sent out the last "equal share" to my lowlife brother with the amount of a distribution that I claimed, divided by 3( because I couldn't be trusted, but he didn't want POA?) that is it, nothing left. Last thing I wrote was...did you know that 30% of caregivers die before they finish caring for their loved ones??? I'm taking to deaf ears I'm sure, but I got it off my chest! Take care of yourself first and do what you can second,don't be in the 30% !!!!

I just read through all the responses to your posts and like most of them I can relate to how you are feeling. I too am a sole caregiver to my Mother and have been since 2020. Yes this was my choice. I understand that.
I have two older sisters. When I took on this job of caregiving and it is a job for sure, I spoke to them about the help they could provide, what they would be willing to do etc. Ended up they did minimal, but something. Although they promised so much more. I was resentful and hurt like you. Trust me it takes time to get over it, but you can get over it! Get help if Mom's finances allow. I have help come in everyday, but one. On that day we do Dr appts etc. so I leave it open on purpose. One sister comes one day for a few hours when it fits her schedule. The other does nothing anymore to help. I was never close to this eldest sister anyway. She is selfish and mean spirited. Her husband and children are the same. I have cut ties other than being civil if we cross paths. Which luckily isn't often! My other sister and I were very close at one time but that was because she needed me to help raise her two daughters when her husband left her. I realize now that once she didn't need me or my Mom we weren't close anymore. I have come to terms with this. This is life. Families aren't perfect and from what I've seen over the years it's more common to have one child doing more or all the caregiving.
I have a wonderfully supportive husband and three fantastic children. I am blessed. As I see it it is my sisters' loss. They are missing out on a wonderful family that they have ruined the relations with because they couldn't give up a few hours a week to help with their Mom, who was a good Mom btw. Whom they are missing out on as well.
Every once in awhile I will shake my head and then I stop myself from giving those people another moment of my precious time and energy. They are so not worth it. Instead I focus on gratitude each and every day. The good in my life, even on the hard days, I turn to what is good in my life and thankfully it outweighs the bad. So trust me, it takes time. it's not easy but you can move past it.
Your relationship with your siblings will forever be changed, like mine is. But if they were not siblings, would you be friends with them? I asked myself this question and realized the sad but painful truth that no I would not give them the time of day. It's is sort of a grieving process really.
My last piece of advice is take time for you. No one else will take care of you. If your Mom can afford help get it, or look into programs that help in your area. Respite is needed and necessary! Don't try to be a hero, just being there for the last 20 proves that. Getting hired help or moving loved ones into care facilities is NOT a sign of weakness or that we don't care, in fact, it is quite the opposite. It shows how much we care that we know we can't provide the amount of care that is needed for our loved ones.
Hope this helps! and I wish you all the best on your caregiving journey!

Trust and believe I know exactly how you feel. You are NOT alone.

I understand it’s common for one sibling to wind up with the whole load. I’m that sister too. Not only did my brother not help, but he moved into my mom’s home and was relying on me to also take him to his appointments and the grocery store and shovel the snow and do all the mail for both of them (he has a mental illness)….and so on and so forth. After some years of this, out of self preservation, I made a plan to move my mother into a memory care assisted living facility and informed my brother he had to go elsewhere bc I would be selling the house to pay for some of mom’s care. Neither one of them liked this. I felt like I was trying to swim with the both of them on my back and we were ALL sinking! Mom adjusted and has been well cared for; and brother moved many states away to mooch off someone else. Our parents pick us for a reason. They know we won’t leave them. So many people have come forward to assure me I did the right thing and that I shouldn’t ever feel guilty. People notice and no one will ever blame you to keep boundaries. Sometimes I feel resentful but then I remember my brother was never going to help. He says the right things (“let me know if I do anything to help” and “how’s mom” and “I wish I could be there”) and I just ignore it. He never stepped up when he was here. There were always excuses why he couldn’t do that one thing I needed help with. Put that resentment aside; continue helping your mom as much as you can; but allow yourself time to just be you too! It may help alleviate some of that resentment. Good luck! You’re not alone!

I have felt that way a lot, the last 3 years, honestly the last 6 months I've gotten in a lot better place with that. The anger and resentments are not not healthy for anyone. And since joining this forum I've realized, that everyone has to do what is best for them, in these situations. I have no anger towards my sister who disappeared for a year. She is now helping a small amount (very small) but that's ok with me. I am at a place where any help is good. Taking mom to one appointment every 6 months is one less appointment for me. I'm looking at the glass half full, and greatfull for any help.

And bottom line you can't control people.

Change the things that you can change , accept the things that you can't.

As for my sister, I have no feelings, anger , resentment, or feelings of sisterly love. It's a good place, and I hardly ever have to see her.

As for my brother, who is poa, respect me or moms all yours. That's all I expect from him.

I'm in a really good place with all that