How to deal with resentment because siblings are relying on you to do all the caregiving?

The other siblings dont help because you have been doing all the work . Resentment doesnt get you any where . Have you asked them to give you a weekend off ? I have found Once we have grown our relationships with siblings disintegrates . Some people stay close But not from what I have witnessed . In seeing My Chiropractor and taking care of My Mother , Brother and My Father - he said " From My Observation the caretaking falls on one Person . " So you are not alone .

I think it is a great mistake to expect others to want to do something simply because we have made a choice to do it.

I personally was an RN for my career. While I loved it, it had 5 weeks vacation, worked three 12 hour shifts per week, had 12 ill days and 12 personal/holiday days. With that it was a piece of cake to maintain a great attitude and love what I did. But it did teach me that I would never want to do hands on care for anyone 24/7, nor to be responsible for the care in that manner. Not only does it take over your life, cause great anxiety, require endless patience, but it removes you from being a daughter to being a caregiver. There is a great difference in the roles and they don't meld well.

I would be in the same camp with your siblings. The difference is that I would try to help you in some ways, perhaps with shopping bags of groceries, with a few home cooked meals per month, with some respite for some weeks. But I would at the same time make it very clear to you that I feel an elder who cannot care for him/herself belongs in some kind of care, or needs to provide his/her own caregivers, that I would not be taking on caregiving. I would own up that these are MY OWN limitations, and have nothing to do with your choices.

I am sorry you don't have more help and support, but I would not waste time thinking about that. Others don't change because we wish them to.
I hope that your mother, if she has any means at all, any assets, will recognize the care that you have given her out of your good heart for all this time by making it clear in any will or trust that you are the beneficiary of a large portion of any estate to a much larger extent than your siblings because of the care you have provided her. I truly hope she is cognizant of this care and has made provisions, but I find that seldom happens.

I am sorry. I recognize your good heart. I would vote for you if you are running for Sainthood, but it is a bad job description and I advise against it. You are clearly a giving and good hearted person. We don't all fit those specifications; I surely don't. And it appears your siblings don't either.

You created the situation by being the "Super Caregiver". 20 years is a long haul for anyone to be a caregiver, you have shown them how to treat you.

You cannot expect anyone to help you, you have set the stage for her caregiving and now you are still saying the same thing "I'll be the caregiver for her the rest of her life...I can do this".

This is of course a choice, you have chosen to do this. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you want to see what they have to say call a family meeting, are you ready to relinquish some of the caregiving activities? You have dedicated your life to caring for mom. If you are not ready to relinquish some of this control, I would not fret over what you have chosen to do, just keep doing it.

Hi Daughter,

I'm a 6 year daughter caregiver so I understand.

Can one of your siblings be tasked with paying the bills?

Can a sibling be tasked with being in charge of meds?

I find both of these tasks to be a hassle. Like you I'm doing it all.

It’s hard. Literally the only thing I asked my sisters to do was to ask me how I was doing, how my family was doing, now that we have mom with us. (I asked nicely). They stopped talking to me instead. I cannot begin to explain them. I try very hard to use this experience to inform my own behavior towards others, to try to show them I care and am thinking of them. It doesn’t take long to send a text asking how someone is. The respite caregiver recommended a letter exercise from that book Men are from Mars, where you write a letter to the person who has hurt you and write a letter “from” them saying what you wish they would say. I haven’t done it yet, but I will because I think it will help. I wish you the best. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Set boundaries. Say “I am going on vacation these days and it will this much of moms money to have a caregiver do what I do. If you want to do it instead and save that money, you must tell me by this date.” Quit hoping they’ll do the right thing and tell them they can do the right thing or mom (they via their inheritance )can pay someone else to. Good luck.

Resentment. Relinguish. Trust.

Some very interesting words have been mentioned.

Resentment.. are you giving too much? Feeling weighed down & expecting others (siblings) to lighten your load. Why?
Expectations.
That family should help family?
Any other reasons?

Relinguish.. are you ready to let go of some tasks? Of letting others do some tasks, in their own way?

Trust.. your Mother trusts you. Only you. Is this fair? Reasonable?
Is this practical? Is this a hurdle Mother must learn to get over?

What about your trust? Do you really trust your siblings to help? Or will you want to oversee,
direct when & how they help?

Maybe your siblings are resentful?
Of being presumed (even if asked nicely) of being your backup service.

Lots to think about.

I quite understand why you have this resentment toward your siblings for not pitching in and helping you with mom’s care. Twenty years ago when you took on the task of being the sole caregiver for mom you were young and up to doing those tasks very easily. Now that you are 20 years older, your siblings need to understand that you need help. You should have a talk with your siblings and tell them that you are getting up in age and you need help with mom as her care is getting more challenging for you to do. Your siblings can do the simple tasks of grocery shopping, doing the laundry, cooking, etc. while you do the more technical tasks of paying the bills, taking mom to medical appointments, etc. You are indeed a good daughter and you deserve help from your siblings.

Hoping for the best for you.

I get why people have told you that you chose to be caregiver to your mom and resenting your siblings only hurts you. But, I do understand what you are feeling.
I did most of what my mom needed during her last years. What hurt me was I couldn't understand why my siblings didn't want to help more. My mom trusted me the most just like your mom and I understood that I was the logical choice. But she was a wonderful woman and mother. Why my siblings wouldn't want to help more.........well that irked me. Still does, 9 yrs. after her death.

I've forgiven my sibs cause, well, forgiveness is mostly for the person who is forgiving. Holding all that resentment inside was only hurting me. They didn't have a clue that I was mad and even if they did know it wouldn't have changed anything. I'll never see them in the same light again. Our relationships have changed since mom died. We rarely see each other or talk. But eventually ya gotta let bygones be bygones.

It is hard, my sister just disappeared a year ago. I was very angry at times, and sad for my mom, the hard part for me was always hoping, hoping this week she will call give me a little break. Once I got rid of the hope that she will just help even a little, and decided ok for now this is on me, then the anger subsided. A year later i have no anger, no resentments, and no feelings towards my sister. I'm just at peace. With the sister issues anyways. It's a start. 😂

I feel like alot families break apart after long term caregiving, it sucks weather it's from the stress, or honestly I think in my case the only thing we have had in common all these years is we have the same parents. So maybe family's go separate was because of the stress, or maybe there just isn't anything to hold them together anymore

OP,

i’m a black belt in karate. i’ll kick your siblings’ butts one day. so will karma.

i have some terrible, terrible family members. you have no idea.

OP, i wish you (and all of us here), a great life. find a way.

step 1: if possible, stay away from terrible people. they don’t change, they get worse. don’t trust them! document everything, if necessary. you might need the proof later.

step 2: build yourself a WONDERFUL life. you can do it. easier said than done, but YOU CAN DO IT. YOU MUST DO IT.

❤️❤️❤️
your friend,
bundle of joy

Here's my current mantra "They don't have to change. I can."

You have a lot of skill sets in managing a sick person. Take a good inventory of what's happening now. You sound burned out. Which is a given at this point. No need to bother with the siblings. "They don't have to change. I can." They aren't going to do squat. Oh well. You'll see 'em at the funeral. That'll be about as much as they can manage. Otherwise, time to get your ducks in a row. All paperwork done-POA, DPOA, will, any estate stuff. Do you use an elder lawyer? If not, time to find one. Protect your assests. Understand the laws in your state. Don't think your siblings won't try some pretty rotten stuff.
Placement for you mother may be a harsh reality. Are you ready for another 20+ years of this? Folks are living longer. If that is your choice, then have at the very least a weekly caregiver come in to help you.

Has it occurred to you that instead of being resentful that your siblings aren't doing more, why are you not resentful that your mother expects everything to be done by you? You need to figure out how much you are willing and capable of doing but anything more your mother needs to figure out or pay for it to get done.

You are very kind to care for your mom for 20 years, but you've trained your siblings and your mom to expect you to continue doing it. You've trained yourself also. It's a pattern of thinking that everyone's adopted, so now what?

Mom's health will continue to worsen. That's a given. By this time, if your siblings haven't caught on that you need more help, and if they aren't willing to provide it, it's not going to happen. The way to get over your disappointment in them is to stop expecting help from that quarter. Chop off the expectations and set your sights on another way of getting help. Move forward with that.

Then have a come-to-Jesus meeting with mom. (No point in including the sibs because they'll feel momentarily guilt under pressure, but after they've told you they'll help, they won't. They never do.) Tell mom that you're going to hire help and pay them with her money. Then she has a fit (manipulation, gotta pile on the guilt). Then you tell her that caregiving is exhausting and you wish to stay mentally healthy, so if she doesn't like it, that's too bad. Then hire people.

Better yet, find an assisted living facility for mom. She'll have activities and people to help her. You can be free and still care for your mom with all your heart, but you will no longer be her slave.

Elders who make no plans for their old age often feel overentitled. Your mom is one of those. It's wrong to expect an adult child to help them live "independently" when there is nothing independent about it. Twenty years. That's 7300 days and 7300 nights of responsibility for you. You didn't deserve that.

Whatever you do, don't take her into YOUR home "to make it easier." That's a sure disaster, and it's never easier. I hope your find help soon.

when patterns get ingrained, its really really difficult to get out of.
but, its worth getting out of despite the hard work!

I have taken care of my mother for the last 15 years. I have three siblings, two out of state and one three hours drive from me. So it’s always been just me and that’s always been how mom wanted it. At first it wasn’t all consuming but it became that way. She was living with me and the demands on my life were overwhelming. I had no life other than taking care of mom. She had three hospitalizations in a short period of time so I finally decided to move her to assisted living. She was furious but came to accept it. It’s no utopia but it’s better than what it was.

This is normal. Don't feel bad. My father is currently bedridden and I have a brother who does not help deal w his needs because of their past relationship (not a good one). What these siblings don't realize is that they are helping you out, just as much as they are helping their parent. It should be a no-brainer to help. right?

Unfortunately, it is not. Just know you are not alone. And I noticed you said that they used the excuse of not helping in the past, bc they felt it was not needed....well it is NOW, so tell them so - and explain to your mother that while you are glad that she trusts you, caregiving can lead to burn out. It sounds like you need a break.

I’m actually in same type situation and interested in others comments. At this point , for me, I have completely given up on help with my mom from my sister. From the beginning she hasn’t contributed in her care. I do have resentment and can’t see any type of sisterly relationship ever.

I am so sorry for you. This seems so common.

Please talk to them openly and tell them you can't do it by yourself anymore and you truly need their help now. Yes, you've done it for 20 years, but make it clear to them that you need their help. My mom only wants me to do things for her. I still enlist my sister and family to help. My mom piles on the guilt, but I had to learn to be strong and say, There's no reason someone other than me can't help. She piles on more guilt and I totally ignore the guilt and see the manipulation for what it is. Please talk openly to your family. Believe me that they're not thinking about it bc they've never had to -- YOU'VE been doing it all. And please please do what you can to take a vacation of at least far away so you can regain some balance.

I have felt that way a lot, the last 3 years, honestly the last 6 months I've gotten in a lot better place with that. The anger and resentments are not not healthy for anyone. And since joining this forum I've realized, that everyone has to do what is best for them, in these situations. I have no anger towards my sister who disappeared for a year. She is now helping a small amount (very small) but that's ok with me. I am at a place where any help is good. Taking mom to one appointment every 6 months is one less appointment for me. I'm looking at the glass half full, and greatfull for any help.

And bottom line you can't control people.

Change the things that you can change , accept the things that you can't.

As for my sister, I have no feelings, anger , resentment, or feelings of sisterly love. It's a good place, and I hardly ever have to see her.

As for my brother, who is poa, respect me or moms all yours. That's all I expect from him.

I'm in a really good place with all that

I understand it’s common for one sibling to wind up with the whole load. I’m that sister too. Not only did my brother not help, but he moved into my mom’s home and was relying on me to also take him to his appointments and the grocery store and shovel the snow and do all the mail for both of them (he has a mental illness)….and so on and so forth. After some years of this, out of self preservation, I made a plan to move my mother into a memory care assisted living facility and informed my brother he had to go elsewhere bc I would be selling the house to pay for some of mom’s care. Neither one of them liked this. I felt like I was trying to swim with the both of them on my back and we were ALL sinking! Mom adjusted and has been well cared for; and brother moved many states away to mooch off someone else. Our parents pick us for a reason. They know we won’t leave them. So many people have come forward to assure me I did the right thing and that I shouldn’t ever feel guilty. People notice and no one will ever blame you to keep boundaries. Sometimes I feel resentful but then I remember my brother was never going to help. He says the right things (“let me know if I do anything to help” and “how’s mom” and “I wish I could be there”) and I just ignore it. He never stepped up when he was here. There were always excuses why he couldn’t do that one thing I needed help with. Put that resentment aside; continue helping your mom as much as you can; but allow yourself time to just be you too! It may help alleviate some of that resentment. Good luck! You’re not alone!

Trust and believe I know exactly how you feel. You are NOT alone.

I just read through all the responses to your posts and like most of them I can relate to how you are feeling. I too am a sole caregiver to my Mother and have been since 2020. Yes this was my choice. I understand that.
I have two older sisters. When I took on this job of caregiving and it is a job for sure, I spoke to them about the help they could provide, what they would be willing to do etc. Ended up they did minimal, but something. Although they promised so much more. I was resentful and hurt like you. Trust me it takes time to get over it, but you can get over it! Get help if Mom's finances allow. I have help come in everyday, but one. On that day we do Dr appts etc. so I leave it open on purpose. One sister comes one day for a few hours when it fits her schedule. The other does nothing anymore to help. I was never close to this eldest sister anyway. She is selfish and mean spirited. Her husband and children are the same. I have cut ties other than being civil if we cross paths. Which luckily isn't often! My other sister and I were very close at one time but that was because she needed me to help raise her two daughters when her husband left her. I realize now that once she didn't need me or my Mom we weren't close anymore. I have come to terms with this. This is life. Families aren't perfect and from what I've seen over the years it's more common to have one child doing more or all the caregiving.
I have a wonderfully supportive husband and three fantastic children. I am blessed. As I see it it is my sisters' loss. They are missing out on a wonderful family that they have ruined the relations with because they couldn't give up a few hours a week to help with their Mom, who was a good Mom btw. Whom they are missing out on as well.
Every once in awhile I will shake my head and then I stop myself from giving those people another moment of my precious time and energy. They are so not worth it. Instead I focus on gratitude each and every day. The good in my life, even on the hard days, I turn to what is good in my life and thankfully it outweighs the bad. So trust me, it takes time. it's not easy but you can move past it.
Your relationship with your siblings will forever be changed, like mine is. But if they were not siblings, would you be friends with them? I asked myself this question and realized the sad but painful truth that no I would not give them the time of day. It's is sort of a grieving process really.
My last piece of advice is take time for you. No one else will take care of you. If your Mom can afford help get it, or look into programs that help in your area. Respite is needed and necessary! Don't try to be a hero, just being there for the last 20 proves that. Getting hired help or moving loved ones into care facilities is NOT a sign of weakness or that we don't care, in fact, it is quite the opposite. It shows how much we care that we know we can't provide the amount of care that is needed for our loved ones.
Hope this helps! and I wish you all the best on your caregiving journey!

I know it's painful, you're suffering from burnout. Everything is coming down to you and can't understand who these people are? Raised with the fact to honor your parents and their needs are more important than mom or yours. Let them go! You will be more focused on the other issues you will need to tend to,lots of things! I'm sure you're doing all the financial work ( bills, homeowners insurance, medical insurance)and the time will come when you might have to sell the house to cover assisted living/ memory care. Overwhelming is an understatement for the work you have to do,let them go! Better off without them causing problems for you! I disowned one brother after mom passed,offering help but bailed out numerous times,other one doesn't drive, never offering anything so I don't hold anything against him. The one was I want the will,where's my share! I'm hoping you don't have any interference with family during her care because you have enough to do. I just recently sent out the last "equal share" to my lowlife brother with the amount of a distribution that I claimed, divided by 3( because I couldn't be trusted, but he didn't want POA?) that is it, nothing left. Last thing I wrote was...did you know that 30% of caregivers die before they finish caring for their loved ones??? I'm taking to deaf ears I'm sure, but I got it off my chest! Take care of yourself first and do what you can second,don't be in the 30% !!!!

I cared for both parents. My siblings were not involved. I made decisions that I think they could not have made i.e. preps for funerals, money, estate etc. When mama died I held my daddys hand through the last details. When daddy was close to death one sibling begged for him to come home from the facility - I told my sibling I can't do it alone since you are living here you WILL be in charge of A,B,C and I will do X,Y,Z - he agreed and daddy only lived with us five days until he died. Sibling, and especially me, were so glad that we worked together to get this done. I praised him for stepping up and when the subject comes up I give him the "atta boy" again. My other siblings were not able to assist but I understood because they had their own families to deal with. I am not resentful because of it - I would have been pissed if they had told me yes and then did nothing.
I did have DPOA so that did make it a little easier for me to call the shots. Siblings never gave me a hard time about the decisions I made.
Your siblings can only give what they can - if only it be a phone call, or an occasional visit. Just keep them informed about mom and document it via text or email - this way if they say anything you can tell them you had informed them about moms decline. Know that while I am writing this a prayer was said for you and your family. Cyber hugs : )

This is a difficult one.
I struggle with it.

This AM, my dad is "mad" at me for not answering his phone call at midnight. THis is after speaking with him 4 times yesterday.

Then, in a plea for some help from my sibling, at least some advice, he had told me he would call me in the evening - no call from sibling at all.

Don't give in to resentment, for several reasons:

1. Your siblings may be too emotionally fragile to handle dealing with an aging parent and are keeping their distance to maintain the memory of when that person were at their physical and mental peak.

2. Maybe the relationship between your mom and some of them weren't that great and they're harboring resentment themselves for some ancient grievance.

3. Sometimes siblings checking out is a saving grace. It might turn out that the siblings who aren't helping are the most clueless, clumsy and inept when it comes to certain things. In other words, you're imagining that if they helped, they would be just like you--dutiful and careful in everything you say and do. But you'd be surprised. I have an older sister who checks out regularly and whenever she tried to offer more help, it became troublesome. For example, she would keep giving my mother the saltiest snack item, in spite of being told repeatedly that she has high blood pressure.

It could turn out that asking them to help out could turn into a dynamic you regret. Again, I have an older sister and sometimes, in asking for help, she started to take charge in ways without even asking to be briefed or consulted. If your siblings are older than you, that could very well happen. The older sibling might start acting like the head boss even though you've been running the show for a long time.

4. This phenomenon, of the one kid being in charge of everything, is so commonplace, it's almost like the universe has designed it that way. I once met a guy who said that out of eight children, he was the only one that took care of his mother. I don't know why this happens, but it happens so frequently that I imagine that there's a "science" to it, like when sociologists figured out how large crowds in a huge city make it less likely for one person to help someone. I wouldn't take it to heart because, like I said, it seems to just sort of happen that way for a lot of people.

You will see I posted this AM also a thread titled "What to do when one's first response to one's LO is to get mad, aggrevated".

maybe what I should do is, for a week, forward my phone to my sibling's number ?!
just kidding.....

You might consider that since they have not been in your shoes, they may not comprehend all that you do. You might want to talk to a counselor about your feelings. It might also help as someone else posted, to delegate specific tasks that would be helpful for you.

So many things to discuss here.

1) not everyone is cut out for caregiving. Caregivers get old, tired, sick, die because of caregiving.

2) people in their 60s + might not want to caregive for a 90+ year old. This needs no explanation IMO. I’m tapped out in my 50s.

3) some people have no reasons but don’t want to be bothered and that is their choice to make, no matter what you think about it.

4) some people might find your choice to do this for 20 years odd and they might have opinions about it.

5) do you have a plan for when you can’t do this anymore? As you have already seen, it’s going to keep getting worse and worse and worse unless she dies unexpectedly one day.

6) maybe your parent was abusive in some way and siblings feel no regret about their decision to not caregive for their parent.

7) you have sorta kinda made your mom feel dependent on you so now you have this whole side thing going on where she isn’t going to let you bow out easily, even if it is to take the weekend off.

I’ll stop there. It’s a lot on top of a lot to discuss all parts to this.