How to deal with my anger towards my mom who has dementia?

I think almost everyone who has overextended themselves trying to manage another person will lose it on occasion. Take it for what it is, a warning that you are out of your league. Would you at possibly 60 yrs old, go to the ER with an out of control stranger and go through all the things you mentioned? I don’t think anyone would expect you to. If you are able to get her to behave with a few sharp words, I would use them but she sounds completely out of control. She needs calming meds. You shouldn’t be driving her. She could cause a wreck. See if hospice is appropriate for her. This might allow the memory care not to send her off to the ER. The hospice nurse could come to her instead. If they suspected a broken bone, she could have X-rays at the memory care and a course of action could be decided at that time. The ALF would simply call hospice instead of the ambulance.

None of us feel good about ourselves whenever we lose control. Your mom must be terrified as well.

I’m sorry that the mom you knew has been hijacked by this horrible disease. Get a new plan in place. No more ER trips for you, especially alone.

Caregivers do not leave their emotions at the door when they are caregivers. We are human and are going to have those wide swings of emotions. Anger at the disease, anger at the fact that it has stolen your loved one and anger they you are managing it. I would usually walk away, if it was possible, and catch my breath. I actually asked my mom’s forgiveness when I felt I was not patient enough. I am not sure she was aware of my anger but would always hug me. Anger and so many more emotions are just part of the process. Back away and give yourself time to recover.

You are pre-mourning the inevitable death of your mother along with actively mourning the person she used to be. That's a lot to take.

It's OK to be angry, it's a normal response to what you're going through. You're angry at the SITUATION, not the person. A big difference.

I visit a woman who had a brain tumor removed and suffered a stroke that has changed her personality a great deal. I struggle to spend time with her, because she can't remember anything past 15 minutes--so a 1 hr visit is more like 4 separate 1 hr visits. I am not family, but I am surprised at how upset I get over trying to bring a little light into her life. It simply isn't possible anymore. A lot of the women in our church community have given up on visiting her--as she doesn't remember and they feel like 'what's the point'?

If you can offload some of this drama with mama onto others, it may free you up to be more attentive and caring when you DO choose to see her.

My MIL has dementia, her kids refuse to see it and try mightily to get her to understand things--and she simply cannot.

Accepting the 'new norm' IS hard. And it hurts. Please reach out for some physical support and help. Mom may not remember much, but for some reasons, to me it seems dementia patients DO remember when someone has been unkind or dismissive.

My mother fell 50x while living in Memory Care Assisted Living for just under 3 years. She was never taken to the ER because she never hit her head and or never had injuries to warrant going to the ER. Is your moms MC automatically calling 911 each time she falls or is the nurse checking her out FIRST and taking vital signs, etc? And, the EMTs can also check her out to determine IF a trip to the ER is even warranted. That's point number 1.

Secondly, mom needs a calming med to reduce her combative behavior. How is she in the MC? Speak to her doctor and have Ativan or something similar on order as needed for this agitated behavior so she can have a dose before the next ER run.

Thirdly, you are human. These dementia behaviors are horrible and frustrating to witness for 15 minutes, never mind for hours on end. I have sat with my mother in the ER for more hours than I can count over the years, and let me tell you. I could've used a mouth guard for grinding my teeth. The last time she was ambulanced to the ER was for saying she had terrible chest pains. That's one complaint that'll get them a ride to the ER every single time. By the time I received The Phone Call and arrived at the hospital, she was insisting she never said any such thing. She had no chest pains at all, dontcha know. I thought my head was going to explode. It was 9pm. By 10:30pm I'd had it. I told her, ma, I'm going home. You're fine. The EKG is normal, the nurse is discharging you, the nice ambulance man will be here soon to take you back to your room. Omg, she started screaming, how will I pay the cab driver???? I forgot my pocketbook!! How will he know where I live?? I explained things to her another 10x and then kissed her cheek and LEFT.

She died 2 months later at 95 after I'd gotten her on hospice immediately after that last ER visit. It just wasn't fair to her (or me) to keep poking and prodding her and stressing her out with those ambulance rides to the hospital. That's the only thing I ever felt guilty or badly about after 10.5 years of caregiving.....that I'd left her in the ER that night when she was scared. Even though I knew she'd be taken home and properly looked after. SHE didn't, and I caused her unnecessary fear.

Dementia is truly an ugly thing for everyone. Those suffering from it and those of us caring for and watching our loved ones suffering from it.

Give yourself some grace. You ARE a loving daughter despite any anger that might seep in from time to time. Nobody is immune from emotions, even ones we don't like. Its such a hard road we walk, don't make it any harder for yourself than it already is.

We are often told anger is a 'bad' emotion. I disagree.

Look at your anger as a message.

What are you really angry at?

Feeling out of your depth?
Feeling like you need to be Mom's nurse, transport, her everything?
That Mom's needs are too big?
That you don't get to eat, sleep, live your life because you are now 'on call'?

Look at YOUR reasons.

Then what can you change?
What can you delegate?

Eg Ambulance can escort to ER.
Medical staff can supervise, monitor IV, esure safety for scans.
Non-emergency escorted transport can be arranged to return to AL.

Delegating requires some letting go.

This is a hard step:
Moving from Doing Everything to Delegating to Others.
Or think of it as promoting yourself!
From Worker to Supervisor.

I stopped those ER visits. Mom went 4x in the first 4 months she was in AL. I told the RN, no taking her to ER unless she has hit her head. There is a way they can check for broken bones and swelling. They said Mom complained about pain. Of course she did. Do you not have pain when you fall. She had a bad back. I told them to give her time. Just watch for any problems. When she went to LTC, they said they only send the out when they hit their head. Unless, they don't see the Fall and not sure if they hit their head.

AL and LTC does not send an aide with a resident. They go alone. I had to be there for my Mom because of her Dementia. A male nurse tried to undress her and she screamed bloody murder. I had to ask for a female.

What possible help is it your being there in the ER?
I lived an entire state away from my brother. A fall and transport to ER would mean I spoke with ER in the phone. You are not contributing to reassurance or comfort. There is no utter reason for you to go.

ccd1212: Don't torture yourself with guilt. It doesn't help your Mom, and she wouldn't want that for you. It sounds like if her old self could communicate with you she would empathize with what you're going through and tell you to give yourself a break!

All: Real question here... Why the automatic ER trip after hitting one's head? Suppose the person's advance directive says they don't want surgery, period? What then does the hospital have to offer them? (Again, real question--I don't know.) Also, isn't cranial surgery on the frail elderly considered one of the major examples of harmful overtreatment?

My mom fell and hit her head a few years ago and spent a week in the hospital and 3 weeks (natch) in skilled nursing, and there was no actual "treatment." Ultimately she just had to heal on her own. The main thing she had to recover from was being institutionalized (muscle atrophy etc.)

What would happen if the AL called 911 and sent mom to the ER and you weren't there?

Would THEY manage her?

I think they'd have to.

Consider that it might be a better choice.

And yes, it may be time for hospice.

After my mom tries to grab the steering wheel from my DH as we were driving her to her new AL from rehab, we only used medical transport.

Old post from November of last year.