My mother is 93 with vascular dementia. Up until a year ago she lived at home with 12/7 daily caregivers. We ran into problems because she would send the caregivers home, do dangerous things like stick a knife in an outlet, refused to let anyone clean the house, caregivers would quit, etc. All the caregivers got covid at one point and my brother and I had to fill in.
She refused to go into a home but we managed to maneuver her into the best expensive memory care home near us. We had to clean out her house and sell it as-is before it deteriorated more.
She hates her new home and has deteriorated further: broken hip, heart weakening, dementia worse. She is not nice when we visit, usually making me and my brother feel guilty, telling us how she hates it, asking us why we did it, etc. We both avoid visiting due to her behavior.
It hurt me a lot since I was a "Momma's Boy" but therapy helped.
I still feel guilty about putting her in a home and also feel guilty about the substantial inheritance that me and my brother will get. I know it makes no sense but I feel guilty that she and my father did not spend the money on themselves and now we will benefit.
Any suggestions?
It’s like, “I’m so sorry I’m taking your money.”
You don’t have to at all.
You can spend it on her. Treat her, with her money, to the most expensive, yummiest food she likes, greatest hairdressers, etc., while she’s in memory care. Hire extra caregivers for her so she gets even better care in that facility. Get her the fanciest TV…live music, whatever she likes. It’s her money.
The mother is already in a top-shelf memory care facility. The OP and his brother already make sure their mother has the best possible care she can get.
She's 93 with advanced dementia. Hiring live entertainment, bringing in the best sylists, or dressing her in designer clothes really wouldn't be spending her money on her. It would be wasting her money on nonsense because they feel guilty about their mother being at the end of her life and needing a higher level of care than she can get at home.
You can't take it with you. The OP and his brother should not feel a moment of guilt about taking the money. They did right by their mother and they are her heirs.
If their guilt about having mom's money is so bad that they can't live with it, they should find a bunch of people whose homes are being forclosed upon. Then pay off their mortgages or taxes so they don't lose their houses. Something like that really works wonders for people feeling guilty about being rich.
I am sorry that your mom isn’t treating you well.
I’m hoping that as you continue with your therapy that you will come to understand that you are not the cause of your mom’s sadness and frustration.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, the opposite is true. You should be proud of yourself for being a responsible son who is being a wonderful advocate for his mother.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
Dementia is a no win situation for all concerned. You didn't cause this issue, you can't cure it, nor can you control it. What you CAN do, however, is insure your mothers safety by using a common sense approach to a serious issue vs an emotional reaction which is often dangerous.
While it may sound whimsical and like a lark to hire Mary Poppins to look after mother in a studio apt all day where the birds chirp on the windowsill, the reality of her trying to break out of there every night while ripping off her dirty brief and flinging it all over the place is what the poor caregiver will really be dealing with when she quits with no notice on the spot. A team of 24/7 caregivers can't leave you in the lurch bc there's always backup, and nurses on staff, temporary agency staff to pinch hit, food on hand, meds on board, supplies in closets, etc. Leaving a gargantuan job to one person is always a mistake.
You made the right decision. Go check up on mom when she's busy doing an activity. Not when you're her captive audience for her laundry list of complaints. She's doing fine, she just doesn't want YOU to know it.
One caregiver at a time at home cannot meet her needs anymore.
There comes a time when a person needs to be placed in a managed care facility.
I was a home caregiver for 25 years and now operate my own homecare business. I have had to tell many client families that the time had come for their LO to be placed because their needs could not be met at home anymore. Bringing her home would be the wrong decision for her. Try to keep that in mind.
You're a good son because you're doing the right thing for your mother and often the right thing is not the easy thing. It can come with a lot of guilt and a lot of sadness. You're not alone. Many people are going through exactly what you are.
Your mom has resources. That is good. You can make sure she's in a nice place and getting good care.
Had you left her in her home with spotty care, then, yes, perhaps you could say you felt 'guilt' but not with the care you've already given and the care you obviously STILL show.
She's not declining because of the move, she's declining because she's 93. And has a serious disease.
My mom passed last fall at age 92. When people ask me 'what caused her death'--good grief, I always answer the same way "Because she was 92!!!"
What you are really feeling is grief, and you will feel that way probably until she passes away and even after.
As far as the inheritance? Mom wanted you to have it, then take it when the time comes. If it causes you to feel bad, give to charities.
Many elders save and save and leave a lot for their kids, denying themselves a lot of the joys of life. Likely she and dad were frugal and want you and your brother to have this money.
Visit when you can, remembering that you are not 'guilty' of anything. You're a good son and nobody will say you weren't. And yes, it is hard to go visit a LO who is 'mad' at you. I seriously doubt she really means it and even if she does..well, She has dementia, I bet when you leave after a visit she forgets you were even there.
Go easy on yourself, OK?
Now...is she trying to make you feel guilty? Entirely possible. That is the gold standard very often when we move our loved ones to a care facility - ESPECIALLY when they still have capacity or even moments of lucidity - because they are not happy with us. They want us to feel bad. Because they feel bad. And they are unhappy.
As Cwillie says in their post - what you are feeling is GRIEF. You are sad that it has come to this. You are grieving the loss of the mother that you knew. You are grieving what you know is to come. You are grieving the fact that she can no longer care for herself. And that is perfectly normal. And some part of you is grieving that you cannot give her what she wants.
BUT, just because someone *wants* something doesn't mean it is what they *NEED*. And it sounds very much like you made a decision to ensure that her needs were met over her wants. And that is nothing to feel guilty for.
I literally hear myself saying these words to my DH and my SIL every day right now - we just moved my FIL to a SNF a little over a week ago. He desperately needed 24/7 care. But they say they feel guilty. That's not really what they feel. They feel grief. And they've been feeling it for a long time. And their dad is angry -really angry because he is at least 80-90% competent. And he knows exactly what is going on and he agreed to it. But it's because we refused to take him home and said he was an unsafe discharge. So in a lot of ways we are actually culpable for his situation. But guilt is a useless emotion in this case because any other choice would have been dangerous for him - even if he couldn't see that. And they have nothing to feel guilty for. Grief - absolutely. Guilt - not one little bit. They didn't cause the situation that ultimately brought him to this point.
Hang in there. You made the right choice. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You did. It is the safest choice for her.