You didn’t cause their health issues. You can’t fix them. They need to be where they are to get the care that they need.
Given all that, you need to advise yourself that you’ve done all you can for them. If they’re guilting you, don’t listen. Don’t spend as much time being sympathetic or trying to make them happy. Their happiness is up to them, and yours is up to you.
It is not the end of the world, they are safe and cared for, it is where they need to be.
Don't understand why it is killing you?
It is called attrition. we will all go through it as we age. If they have dementia their brains are broken, there is no understanding, no acceptance of anything.
Perhaps you need to reframe your mind to accept the situation, there is no getting better, they are where they need to be.
"I need to learn how to calm them over the phone when they call in a rage at night".
DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE AT NIGHT. If they have a cellphone, block their number. The facility will call you if there is a true emergency. I'm surprised they can even use a phone. Do they both rage at you on the phone at once?
They have each other (and probably their own room) so you don't need to answer those late night rage calls, or even visit them so much. Maybe your presence tends to set them off, since they are unhappy they are in a facility and apparently blaming you. The more you contact them, the more you visit, the resentment and anger builds. This type behavior is a regular thing on this forum.
They may need stronger medication to calm down and sleep. Tell their Dr. they call you and rage too often. You need your sleep to function. Even 8 months may not be enough time for them to adjust.
Rememer they are safe and taken care of, so don't feel guilty. Turn your phone off at night, cut back to maybe a 30 minute visit once a week.
My mother is in a SNF for disability, not dementia. However, I'm in there every day and bear witness to all of the dementia patients with whom she lives. It takes a huge village to manage this population.
Your parents would likely not be safe at home. No one wants to be in memory care, but when it's the path that is the safest, most caring option for them, then it is the right path.
You have to deal with 2x the guilt with both of their placements. However, the guilt needs to be released as you're doing what is best for them. I am guessing there is quite a bit of literature, youtube videos, etc, on how to handle their acting out, I would look into it.
I am sending a lot of love. I know how difficult it is to watch your parents decline. Let go of the guilt.
You are grieving the loss of who they were. We feel it in our heart and soul. It hurts and it hurts real bad. Hang on to the good stuff and concentrate on your own life with your family.....make great memories with them . I am sorry for your pain . Please do not feel guilty .....it can make you crazy.
With Dementia, they may never be happy. They are out of their comfort zone. Away from what has been familiar to them for years. How often are you visiting. If everyday, it may be too much. How long do you stay? Over an hour, it may be too long. They need to get used to their surroundings and rely on staff. They are lucky, they still have each other. The Dementia will progress and they will except where they are.
Sorry I dont agree with not answering phone. As confused as my mom was she called late nite to tell me she fell .I had received No Call from Nurse! Or any other staff. When I went in am to see wth was going on there she was Very bruised r hip leg and r arm! After Me Calling nurse asking Why I wasnt notified she stated they were waiting on dr order for xrays? Since I Was a nurse, this is Not protocol. Also most dementia/ alzheimer units are in nursing home settings. Most snfs are short cnas on days however night shift is Always short and they may not be being answered
I am sorry, neelloc, that you and your parents are dealing with this. It is a difficult time for all of you.
I agree with Delilah about the phone calls. When my Mom was in AL it could be hours before staff checked on my Mom. Up to a certain point she was able to dial and call me. I was glad she could and more worried and sad when she could no longer see or understand how to call me. Facilities always seem to be chronically understaffed once covid appeared. If my Mom made a request, it could be hours before staff returned. If she requested assistance to toilet it could take hours for them to get back to her as they were assisting other residents. Staff had to cover 2 floors and if they were upstairs they didn't want to come down for one resident. Likewise, if they were working downstairs. A few staffers just don't care, sad to say. I wish I had been a little more diligent about some things and had hired a private caregiver to spend a few hours a week with her. I was worried about the added expense and the possibility of her outliving her financial resources as she was in her nineties and had a 103 year old sister still living. Mom fell once when she was trying to hurry to get herself to the bathroom, despite depends, because staff didn't come when called (and this was at the "best" most expensive place in the area). Cameras were allowed at her facility--they just put a "camera in use" notice on the door. If you can do this, it may be a good idea so you can monitor what goes on when you are not there. My Mom would complain about things and I would doubt if she had things right due to her mild dementia, but often I would find she was right. Do not just dismiss their complaints because of their dementia. There could be problems with the facility if they haven't settled down after 8 months. A camera would give you insight as to what is happening when you are not there. That said, if they are just ranting over no good reason, I would cut the calls short after determining there is no emergency. Also, if they are sundowning, maybe address this issue with the doctor and see what he recommends. If one of them can remember-maybe you could tell them you will call once every evening just to "visit" and check on them. I felt "guilt" over Mom's placement and had a lot of "shoulds" for myself. It is a hard phase of life with no perfect solutions. Mom was clean, fed, had help available, opportunities to socialize even though she most often chose not to, and my husband and I were still able to have lives even though a good part of my time was still directed toward Mom's needs. Hope things settle down some soon for them and you.
You didn’t cause their health issues. You can’t fix them. They need to be where they are to get the care that they need.
Given all that, you need to advise yourself that you’ve done all you can for them. If they’re guilting you, don’t listen. Don’t spend as much time being sympathetic or trying to make them happy. Their happiness is up to them, and yours is up to you.
Don't understand why it is killing you?
It is called attrition. we will all go through it as we age. If they have dementia their brains are broken, there is no understanding, no acceptance of anything.
Perhaps you need to reframe your mind to accept the situation, there is no getting better, they are where they need to be.
Take care of you!
Oooh, had to look that up... Excellent choice of word!
DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE AT NIGHT. If they have a cellphone, block their number. The facility will call you if there is a true emergency. I'm surprised they can even use a phone. Do they both rage at you on the phone at once?
They have each other (and probably their own room) so you don't need to answer those late night rage calls, or even visit them so much. Maybe your presence tends to set them off, since they are unhappy they are in a facility and apparently blaming you. The more you contact them, the more you visit, the resentment and anger builds. This type behavior is a regular thing on this forum.
They may need stronger medication to calm down and sleep. Tell their Dr. they call you and rage too often. You need your sleep to function. Even 8 months may not be enough time for them to adjust.
Rememer they are safe and taken care of, so don't feel guilty. Turn your phone off at night, cut back to maybe a 30 minute visit once a week.
Your parents would likely not be safe at home. No one wants to be in memory care, but when it's the path that is the safest, most caring option for them, then it is the right path.
You have to deal with 2x the guilt with both of their placements. However, the guilt needs to be released as you're doing what is best for them. I am guessing there is quite a bit of literature, youtube videos, etc, on how to handle their acting out, I would look into it.
I am sending a lot of love. I know how difficult it is to watch your parents decline. Let go of the guilt.
It hurts and it hurts real bad. Hang on to the good stuff and concentrate on your own life with your family.....make great memories with them . I am sorry for your pain . Please do not feel guilty .....it can make you crazy.
As confused as my mom was she called late nite to tell me she fell .I had received No Call from Nurse! Or any other staff.
When I went in am to see wth was going on there she was Very bruised r hip leg and r arm! After Me Calling nurse asking Why I wasnt notified she stated they were waiting on dr order for xrays? Since I Was a nurse, this is Not protocol.
Also most dementia/ alzheimer units are in nursing home settings.
Most snfs are short cnas on days however night shift is Always short and they may not be being answered
I agree with Delilah about the phone calls. When my Mom was in AL it could be hours before staff checked on my Mom. Up to a certain point she was able to dial and call me. I was glad she could and more worried and sad when she could no longer see or understand how to call me.
Facilities always seem to be chronically understaffed once covid appeared. If my Mom made a request, it could be hours before staff returned. If she requested assistance to toilet it could take hours for them to get back to her as they were assisting other residents. Staff had to cover 2 floors and if they were upstairs they didn't want to come down for one resident. Likewise, if they were working downstairs. A few staffers just don't care, sad to say.
I wish I had been a little more diligent about some things and had hired a private caregiver to spend a few hours a week with her. I was worried about the added expense and the possibility of her outliving her financial resources as she was in her nineties and had a 103 year old sister still living. Mom fell once when she was trying to hurry to get herself to the bathroom, despite depends, because staff didn't come when called (and this was at the "best" most expensive place in the area).
Cameras were allowed at her facility--they just put a "camera in use" notice on the door. If you can do this, it may be a good idea so you can monitor what goes on when you are not there.
My Mom would complain about things and I would doubt if she had things right due to her mild dementia, but often I would find she was right. Do not just dismiss their complaints because of their dementia. There could be problems with the facility if they haven't settled down after 8 months. A camera would give you insight as to what is happening when you are not there. That said, if they are just ranting over no good reason, I would cut the calls short after determining there is no emergency. Also, if they are sundowning, maybe address this issue with the doctor and see what he recommends. If one of them can remember-maybe you could tell them you will call once every evening just to "visit" and check on them.
I felt "guilt" over Mom's placement and had a lot of "shoulds" for myself. It is a hard phase of life with no perfect solutions. Mom was clean, fed, had help available, opportunities to socialize even though she most often chose not to, and my husband and I were still able to have lives even though a good part of my time was still directed toward Mom's needs. Hope things settle down some soon for them and you.
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