If they are not "settling" in, talk with their doctor(s) about whether they are experiencing anxiety and agitation. If so, there are medications to help them relax. If not, then you need to remind them (yourself too) that this is to insure their safety and health. Remind them to make each day as joy-filled as possible right where they are. You should also do the same.
neelloc: The wearing down of elderly parents IS oftentimes difficult to fathom, but do not let it wear YOU down. They are where they need to be. Their malfunctioning brains lack the capacity to understand nor accept anything.
My mom has early stage vascular dementia, neuropathy, AMD, arthritis, COPD, mild (if there is a mild) alcoholism, and about 95 other things. She is SURE that this minimally invasive laser spine surgery she saw on TV will cure her stenosis and neuropathy, and asks me daily to look into it. Her neurosurgeon pulled me aside and started the sentence with, "You know as well as I do..." I went to high school with her neurosurgeon, he's known me and Mom since he and I were 12.
After a massive screaming meltdown about all her problems, and how "there has to be a reversal to all this," I calmly told her she needs to start accepting this. I didn't tell her to be "grateful for being alive," or any of those sorts of words to try and turn her around. I hinted that maybe if she accepted her limitations she might actually find out what it is she can still do. And after begrudgingly listening to me, she is actually still pretty handy in some areas. She just didn't try.
In your parents' case, they are likely still very limited, if not totally. They probably scream and holler at you about, "I don't need to be here!" and wanting to go "home," and that you were "doing a great job taking care of us." It may take time for them to realize. Or, they may never realize.
What you need to realize is that placing them in memory care, is still caring for them. I did hands on caregiving a couple times after my mom was at a lengthy hospital/SNF stint, and after she cursed me while changing her bedpan, I said never again. After the bedpan was done I said, "I'm done here." She cursed some more. We now have in home care, which I'm grateful for (thank you Dad) and she is a regular old Georgia Peach now. It's nice to have a nice ol' mom (somewhat) again.
Sympathize with your parents, but empathize with yourself more. I often tell people, how are you caring for your parents when you cry, scream, yell, overindulge, underindulge, and neglect yourself. If it turns you inward, believe me it will find its way outward, and nobody wins then.
Reassure them their new home is where they are safest; have them redirect their anxiety (manifesting as anger it sounds like) toward the staff. 'Talk to the manager' and let the manager do their professional best. Alert the facility's staff you are teaching your folks to depend more on the staff Because Staff Is There All The Time To Help Them. Do not be 'available' to your folks all the time; have the facility's staff only contact you for actual emergencies; teach your folks to go thru the staff, not call you right away Because You Are Not There To Help Right Away. In other words, create some distance since it's the truth. It sounds like your folks want you to 'rescue' them, and venting on you may be a ploy to get you involved. Then keep a schedule of visits/check-ins with your folks that works for You. Do not accept a guilt trip; you cannot calm them, as with children, they have to learn to self-soothe. If this is a mental health/dementia problem/symptom, engage their doctor(s) for advice.
Not to discourage you but my experience is “No, there is little you can do to steer them toward acceptance.” Unfortunately, people who have been fiercely independent and strong- willed do not accept circumstances they cannot control. Individuals of this temperament remain pretty much unhappy and continually demand a restorative cure that allows them to have circumstances as they were in better days. Good luck and best wishes as we travel their journeys with them.
If it's killing you, just imagine how it is killing your parents!!! They are the ones living in there! Why don't you find them in home care and get them OUT OF THERE!
I am sorry, neelloc, that you and your parents are dealing with this. It is a difficult time for all of you.
I agree with Delilah about the phone calls. When my Mom was in AL it could be hours before staff checked on my Mom. Up to a certain point she was able to dial and call me. I was glad she could and more worried and sad when she could no longer see or understand how to call me. Facilities always seem to be chronically understaffed once covid appeared. If my Mom made a request, it could be hours before staff returned. If she requested assistance to toilet it could take hours for them to get back to her as they were assisting other residents. Staff had to cover 2 floors and if they were upstairs they didn't want to come down for one resident. Likewise, if they were working downstairs. A few staffers just don't care, sad to say. I wish I had been a little more diligent about some things and had hired a private caregiver to spend a few hours a week with her. I was worried about the added expense and the possibility of her outliving her financial resources as she was in her nineties and had a 103 year old sister still living. Mom fell once when she was trying to hurry to get herself to the bathroom, despite depends, because staff didn't come when called (and this was at the "best" most expensive place in the area). Cameras were allowed at her facility--they just put a "camera in use" notice on the door. If you can do this, it may be a good idea so you can monitor what goes on when you are not there. My Mom would complain about things and I would doubt if she had things right due to her mild dementia, but often I would find she was right. Do not just dismiss their complaints because of their dementia. There could be problems with the facility if they haven't settled down after 8 months. A camera would give you insight as to what is happening when you are not there. That said, if they are just ranting over no good reason, I would cut the calls short after determining there is no emergency. Also, if they are sundowning, maybe address this issue with the doctor and see what he recommends. If one of them can remember-maybe you could tell them you will call once every evening just to "visit" and check on them. I felt "guilt" over Mom's placement and had a lot of "shoulds" for myself. It is a hard phase of life with no perfect solutions. Mom was clean, fed, had help available, opportunities to socialize even though she most often chose not to, and my husband and I were still able to have lives even though a good part of my time was still directed toward Mom's needs. Hope things settle down some soon for them and you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be sure to get emotional counseling for yourself as you navigate this painful journey of aging parents needed placement in facility care for safety reasons. There is no complete answer . One thing to remember though is that due to their " memory care needs" they do not retain short term memory and hence will continue to repeat over and over such things as " why am I here" etc etc. It is anxiety provoking to listen and witness this, so please practice good self care, keep visits short, if you answer their repeated questions make the answer brief without long explanation ( they will not remember and it creates anxiety for you as well as them). Keep their PCP updated on behavior changes you may observe.
My mother is in a SNF for disability, not dementia. However, I'm in there every day and bear witness to all of the dementia patients with whom she lives. It takes a huge village to manage this population.
Your parents would likely not be safe at home. No one wants to be in memory care, but when it's the path that is the safest, most caring option for them, then it is the right path.
You have to deal with 2x the guilt with both of their placements. However, the guilt needs to be released as you're doing what is best for them. I am guessing there is quite a bit of literature, youtube videos, etc, on how to handle their acting out, I would look into it.
I am sending a lot of love. I know how difficult it is to watch your parents decline. Let go of the guilt.
You are grieving the loss of who they were. We feel it in our heart and soul. It hurts and it hurts real bad. Hang on to the good stuff and concentrate on your own life with your family.....make great memories with them . I am sorry for your pain . Please do not feel guilty .....it can make you crazy.
Sorry I dont agree with not answering phone. As confused as my mom was she called late nite to tell me she fell .I had received No Call from Nurse! Or any other staff. When I went in am to see wth was going on there she was Very bruised r hip leg and r arm! After Me Calling nurse asking Why I wasnt notified she stated they were waiting on dr order for xrays? Since I Was a nurse, this is Not protocol. Also most dementia/ alzheimer units are in nursing home settings. Most snfs are short cnas on days however night shift is Always short and they may not be being answered
"I need to learn how to calm them over the phone when they call in a rage at night".
DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE AT NIGHT. If they have a cellphone, block their number. The facility will call you if there is a true emergency. I'm surprised they can even use a phone. Do they both rage at you on the phone at once?
They have each other (and probably their own room) so you don't need to answer those late night rage calls, or even visit them so much. Maybe your presence tends to set them off, since they are unhappy they are in a facility and apparently blaming you. The more you contact them, the more you visit, the resentment and anger builds. This type behavior is a regular thing on this forum.
They may need stronger medication to calm down and sleep. Tell their Dr. they call you and rage too often. You need your sleep to function. Even 8 months may not be enough time for them to adjust.
Rememer they are safe and taken care of, so don't feel guilty. Turn your phone off at night, cut back to maybe a 30 minute visit once a week.
It is not the end of the world, they are safe and cared for, it is where they need to be.
Don't understand why it is killing you?
It is called attrition. we will all go through it as we age. If they have dementia their brains are broken, there is no understanding, no acceptance of anything.
Perhaps you need to reframe your mind to accept the situation, there is no getting better, they are where they need to be.
With Dementia, they may never be happy. They are out of their comfort zone. Away from what has been familiar to them for years. How often are you visiting. If everyday, it may be too much. How long do you stay? Over an hour, it may be too long. They need to get used to their surroundings and rely on staff. They are lucky, they still have each other. The Dementia will progress and they will except where they are.
You didn’t cause their health issues. You can’t fix them. They need to be where they are to get the care that they need.
Given all that, you need to advise yourself that you’ve done all you can for them. If they’re guilting you, don’t listen. Don’t spend as much time being sympathetic or trying to make them happy. Their happiness is up to them, and yours is up to you.
After a massive screaming meltdown about all her problems, and how "there has to be a reversal to all this," I calmly told her she needs to start accepting this. I didn't tell her to be "grateful for being alive," or any of those sorts of words to try and turn her around. I hinted that maybe if she accepted her limitations she might actually find out what it is she can still do. And after begrudgingly listening to me, she is actually still pretty handy in some areas. She just didn't try.
In your parents' case, they are likely still very limited, if not totally. They probably scream and holler at you about, "I don't need to be here!" and wanting to go "home," and that you were "doing a great job taking care of us." It may take time for them to realize. Or, they may never realize.
What you need to realize is that placing them in memory care, is still caring for them. I did hands on caregiving a couple times after my mom was at a lengthy hospital/SNF stint, and after she cursed me while changing her bedpan, I said never again. After the bedpan was done I said, "I'm done here." She cursed some more. We now have in home care, which I'm grateful for (thank you Dad) and she is a regular old Georgia Peach now. It's nice to have a nice ol' mom (somewhat) again.
Sympathize with your parents, but empathize with yourself more. I often tell people, how are you caring for your parents when you cry, scream, yell, overindulge, underindulge, and neglect yourself. If it turns you inward, believe me it will find its way outward, and nobody wins then.
I hear you.
I agree with Delilah about the phone calls. When my Mom was in AL it could be hours before staff checked on my Mom. Up to a certain point she was able to dial and call me. I was glad she could and more worried and sad when she could no longer see or understand how to call me.
Facilities always seem to be chronically understaffed once covid appeared. If my Mom made a request, it could be hours before staff returned. If she requested assistance to toilet it could take hours for them to get back to her as they were assisting other residents. Staff had to cover 2 floors and if they were upstairs they didn't want to come down for one resident. Likewise, if they were working downstairs. A few staffers just don't care, sad to say.
I wish I had been a little more diligent about some things and had hired a private caregiver to spend a few hours a week with her. I was worried about the added expense and the possibility of her outliving her financial resources as she was in her nineties and had a 103 year old sister still living. Mom fell once when she was trying to hurry to get herself to the bathroom, despite depends, because staff didn't come when called (and this was at the "best" most expensive place in the area).
Cameras were allowed at her facility--they just put a "camera in use" notice on the door. If you can do this, it may be a good idea so you can monitor what goes on when you are not there.
My Mom would complain about things and I would doubt if she had things right due to her mild dementia, but often I would find she was right. Do not just dismiss their complaints because of their dementia. There could be problems with the facility if they haven't settled down after 8 months. A camera would give you insight as to what is happening when you are not there. That said, if they are just ranting over no good reason, I would cut the calls short after determining there is no emergency. Also, if they are sundowning, maybe address this issue with the doctor and see what he recommends. If one of them can remember-maybe you could tell them you will call once every evening just to "visit" and check on them.
I felt "guilt" over Mom's placement and had a lot of "shoulds" for myself. It is a hard phase of life with no perfect solutions. Mom was clean, fed, had help available, opportunities to socialize even though she most often chose not to, and my husband and I were still able to have lives even though a good part of my time was still directed toward Mom's needs. Hope things settle down some soon for them and you.
Your parents would likely not be safe at home. No one wants to be in memory care, but when it's the path that is the safest, most caring option for them, then it is the right path.
You have to deal with 2x the guilt with both of their placements. However, the guilt needs to be released as you're doing what is best for them. I am guessing there is quite a bit of literature, youtube videos, etc, on how to handle their acting out, I would look into it.
I am sending a lot of love. I know how difficult it is to watch your parents decline. Let go of the guilt.
It hurts and it hurts real bad. Hang on to the good stuff and concentrate on your own life with your family.....make great memories with them . I am sorry for your pain . Please do not feel guilty .....it can make you crazy.
As confused as my mom was she called late nite to tell me she fell .I had received No Call from Nurse! Or any other staff.
When I went in am to see wth was going on there she was Very bruised r hip leg and r arm! After Me Calling nurse asking Why I wasnt notified she stated they were waiting on dr order for xrays? Since I Was a nurse, this is Not protocol.
Also most dementia/ alzheimer units are in nursing home settings.
Most snfs are short cnas on days however night shift is Always short and they may not be being answered
DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE AT NIGHT. If they have a cellphone, block their number. The facility will call you if there is a true emergency. I'm surprised they can even use a phone. Do they both rage at you on the phone at once?
They have each other (and probably their own room) so you don't need to answer those late night rage calls, or even visit them so much. Maybe your presence tends to set them off, since they are unhappy they are in a facility and apparently blaming you. The more you contact them, the more you visit, the resentment and anger builds. This type behavior is a regular thing on this forum.
They may need stronger medication to calm down and sleep. Tell their Dr. they call you and rage too often. You need your sleep to function. Even 8 months may not be enough time for them to adjust.
Rememer they are safe and taken care of, so don't feel guilty. Turn your phone off at night, cut back to maybe a 30 minute visit once a week.
Don't understand why it is killing you?
It is called attrition. we will all go through it as we age. If they have dementia their brains are broken, there is no understanding, no acceptance of anything.
Perhaps you need to reframe your mind to accept the situation, there is no getting better, they are where they need to be.
Take care of you!
Oooh, had to look that up... Excellent choice of word!
Do you accept your parent's circumstance? That this awful dementia has caused them to be re-homed in a memory care facility - for their care & safety?
You understand why they are there & not living on their own home.
I suppose focus on that. (((Hugs)))
I need to learn how to calm them over the phone when they call in a rage at night.
You didn’t cause their health issues. You can’t fix them. They need to be where they are to get the care that they need.
Given all that, you need to advise yourself that you’ve done all you can for them. If they’re guilting you, don’t listen. Don’t spend as much time being sympathetic or trying to make them happy. Their happiness is up to them, and yours is up to you.