My mom is 68 and has had dizziness and falling issues for a long time. She's seen multiple neurologists, but they never had an answer for her. For a few years, she was on a drug called Geodone, which lists many of her issues, but she was also under a lot of stress because at the time she was caring for my sister, who has borderline personality disorder. In 2021, she had an awful fall. It wasn't good. Since then, she's been bedridden. Now she has a massive fear of falling again and cries out when you touch her or try to help her into a wheelchair. She got COVID two weeks ago and is now in rehab. It's just been one thing after another. I live across the country from her, which has been so hard. My dad is very controlling of her care but also doesn't do a great job. In fact, I suspect he is seeing someone else. She was hospitalized for five days before he brought her a pair of pants and the nurses were about to have to dig some out of the donation box. Watching all of this from afar is painful, but I have a job that isn't flexible, and in addition to that, my dad doesn't want to give up control. I'm mostly venting because I am wracked with guilt. I love her so much, and she would hate to see what she has become and the treatment she's received. It's hard to accept that this is the hand she has been dealt. She gave so much and is now left with so little. I call her multiple times a day, but in her state, she seems disinterested. I made her a mix, hoping the music would help. And send her flowers, and I will see her in a month. Is there any advice on what else I can do from afar with so little power?
Dizziness is a medical mystery, as is the whole vestibular system, unfortunately. Its not so easy to get a diagnosis on what doctors are clueless about. If the dizziness does not stem from one form of vertigo or another that can be fixed with the Epley Maneuver or Meclizine, they're all stumped and scratching their heads. Leaving US to suffer alone. I feel for your mother.
Here is a link to an article from the New Yorker magazine on the subject of dizziness being a medical mystery. Someone sent it to me and I'm passing it along to you:
https://www.newyorker.com/culture/annals-of-inquiry/why-dizziness-is-still-a-mystery?utm_source=nl&utm_brand=tny&utm_mailing=TNY_Daily_101123&utm_campaign=aud-dev&utm_medium=email&utm_term=tny_daily_digest&bxid=5cb4e19d3f92a41c2fac1167&cndid=29689034&hasha=de4ba640c141be2475cd0fbfa0a6794d&hashb=09fe2f5e7c0bde182e6ee3e4c4a0a723ea43657d&hashc=01a3bc0c0bd7e53e67c204cadd985f2c8ea7ac5f13d4d75adf500e9a9ece8ab3&esrc=AUTO_PRINT
I don't feel like YOU are the family member that should be wracked with guilt over something you have no power to fix. Dad, on the other hand, is the one who's dropped the ball and doesn't appear to be feeling guilty, sadly.
Employers of 50 employees or more are required to provide FMLA leave to all employees under the U.S. Dept of Labor laws. That's the Family and Medical Leave benefit which would entitle you to spend more time with mom. Look into that benefit where you work.
In the meantime, I can't imagine what more you can do than you're currently doing. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Why is he is “very controlling of her care”? It could be so that his other interests don’t get investigated. It could be financial. A good AL might set them both free.
Because of your own life, there is not a lot that you can do in person. How about your sister with ‘borderline personality disorder’? I’m a bit dubious about ‘mild’ ‘borderline’ diagnoses that let people off the hook. Is there more that she could do?
You are right, your father is not a good advocate for her at all.
Your being this far away there is no way you can manage or help any of this or even know if your mom is safe in the care of your father.
I am going to suggest that you take advantage of the family leave act. It is either that or stepping away entirely knowing almost NOTHING about diagnosis, prognosis, or daily care. 68 isn't a lot older than my own daughter. Something is missing here, and basically it starts with a diagnosis.
Who, by the way, is in care of your sister at this point? Surely not Dad? I hope I have right that this is your MOM who was caring for the sister, but that it is your MOM who is currently bedridden.