My mother in law, recently had to be brought to my house, because she kept falling in her house, and we were told she could no longer stay home alone. I went to Miami, and brought her back to my house in Orlando. My husband is an OTR Truck Driver, only home 4 days a month. Her daughter lives in NJ, owns her own business, etc. etc. So, it was "decided" that since I was only a Waffle House waitress, that I was to quit my job and take care of her. I have two teenage boys, and a 3 bedroom house. My MiL, totally took over my room, essentially making me bed-less, I have no privacy or a place to call "mine" anymore. I like to sit at my computer watch Netflix, do some online Karaoke, etc. etc. But that is no longer an option because, she refuses to stay in a room by herself. If I listen to music, or put a pair of headphones on to watch Netflix on my tablet. She will, and I can set my clock by it, within 10 minutes have to go to the bathroom, want to go lay down, etc.
At night it's the worst, I will put her to bed, and every couple of hours, she awakes EXTREMELY confused, wanting to balance a checkbook at 1 am, wanting to watch golden girls at 3 am, and not remember any of it in the morning. Every once in awhile one of my boys will sit with her for an hour or so, so that I can get a quick nap. My youngest son even commented this morning. "Mom, why are your eyes so dark? Did you hit yourself?"
I have no idea how to care for her, no idea how to adapt to my sudden loss of "freedom", no idea how to manage my emotions. I don't want to develop resentment towards my MiL, but I already see the beginnings of those feelings starting to develop which makes me feel like a horrible person.
Any ideas, support, or online resources would be greatly appreciated.
Looking beyond that, has her doctor been informed of the nighttime confusion? Do you and hubbie have POA and are you in the loop when it comes to her healthcare? Is she paying you to live there? Have you both thought about what happens as she needs more care and at what point you can all agree it isn't working anymore?
"So, it was "decided" that since I was only a Waffle House waitress, that I was to quit my job and take care of her. I have two teenage boys, and a 3 bedroom house."
... does not compute.
It was decided... by whom? Were you not in the room at the time?
Also. You are not "only" a waitress, are you. You are mother to two teenage boys, and anyone who's had anything to do with teenagers of either sex knows full well that that is at least the equivalent of a maximum part-time hours job.
So all in all, it sounds to me like there must have been a good deal of wishful thinking, misinformation and back-of-the-envelope planning at the outset on everybody's part, and perhaps with you being outvoted? Nil desperandum! If a plan is not coming together, and this one is *not*, you can always make another plan.
When is husband next home? And when can you reasonably expect to be able to get him and Sister-in-Law together for a more sensible and better-informed conversation?
Your boys sound like gems, by the way. A real credit to you, and please ruffle their hair from me :)
You'll have to take a firm stand now and stop this before you become any more trapped and depressed than you already are.
Was there any consideration of your husband quitting his job? Probably not. Was there any consideration of hiring help for you? Probably not.
There are probably dozens of similar posts of women who were co-opted into providing care for a MIL, and whose burnout was probably inevitable.
These are some hits on MIL situations and threads created by others in similar situations:
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=MIL moved in; wife depressed.
You're not alone but will have to initiate changes, starting with a family agreement on who's going to help. If no one will, ask yourself why you should?
Consider your children and how they see their mother being treated. Dark circles under the eyes is probably only the beginning. Your husband's family either needs to step up to their responsibilities or pay for in home care.
You may have to draw the line, very quickly, and stop providing the level of care MIL wants (but not necessarily needs). Family can pitch in with funds for private duty care.
And the first thing I would do is find a place for MIL to sleep, even if it's in the living room. The fact that you've been disenfranchised of even a bed to sleep on is ridiculous and insulting.
DON'T allow this to continue for one more day. Tell the family to get together and buy a new clean (no bedbugs) bed or rollaway or something for MIL to sleep in. It's ridiculous to expect you to take care of someone when you can't even get a decent night's sleep.
And realize that MIL is taking over and expecting treatment at a queen's level. Dementia or not, she needs to be made aware that this isn't going to happen.
If you've all getting together today for Thanksgiving dinner, put MIL someplace away from the rest of the group and have a meeting before even serving dinner. Don't let the family dominate or manipulate you any more.
I understand your perspective, about her not wanting to isolate herself, and I have no problem sitting in the living room with her. But it's the little things, going into the kitchen to cook supper or make lunch for like 5 min, I will come back to her trying to get up, get in her wheelchair, I'll ask "Mom, what are you doing?" her response will be " I have to get going!".
She is not paying us to live here, despite the fact she has some decent assets. My husband tells me to just call a nurse. The truth is, her health insurance only pays for 3 visits and since it was "decided" by my husband and his sister that I was to quit my job. (Insert my resentment for not being consulted in that conversation) I am not sure if we can afford a private nurse.
Neither my hubby or I have a POA, her daughter in NJ has that (since she's the oldest) but she literally hasn't seen her mother in 5 years and can not seem to grasp how bad her mother's condition is, because apparently according to My SiL, her mom sounds "fine on the phone".
When I broached the subject of asking my teenage boys to consolidate Bedrooms so that I might have a place to stay/sleep. I was given the double guilt whammy of "Since when do we have to suffer for a situation we didn't sign up for?" or "why did you give her your room in the first place?".
My husband just keep telling me to get through the holidays, because Dr's seem to take fairly long vacations in Nov/Dec. I guess at this point, I am just overwhelmed, and I have ZERO idea how to take care of her. She's very stubborn. I already know that she's not going to go to ANY dr's appts without a fight/cajoling/coaxing.
I just need to find a way to understand what she's going through, and find a way to express to her that we are both adjusting and I am learning as I go with how to care for her.
I don't know, I'm just lost...
You sound as though you have very little say in your life; husband and his sister get to decide that you're the unpaid help?
1. You should be getting paid for your caregiving.
or
2. This should be extremely short term until you can get a needs assessment from Social Services in your area and get MIL into the right level of care, using HER assets.
In the meantime, if she falls, becomes confused, call 911 and have her taken to the ER and hopefully admitted to the hospital. Then you'll have the advantage of using the discharge planners to arrange for her care.
Stop being a doormat. No one can take advantage of you if you don't allow them to.
Happy Thanksgiving!
When her doctor said "I would hate to have to call social services..." - that right there is where you missed your turning. The *correct* response - 20:20 hindsight - was "tsk, well, yes that would be terribly sad but hey what can you do. Here is my SIL's number in case they need to contact her."
It is very very common for people not to understand how advanced dementia has got if all they know of a person is what they hear during ten minute phone calls once a week. Where is SIL at three in the morning, eh? I can tell you where she isn't, at least - she isn't up and about doing emergency check book balances.
But we live and learn - you and your husband couldn't have realised what was really going on beforehand, either.
There is *no shame*, none, in calling social services and asking for their support and advice. Just get through the holidays is all very well, and at least husband does appreciate that this is very much a short term solution; but this can also be how vulnerable elders get lost and break hips and suddenly decide to drive the wrong way up the freeway. God forbid.
If you can prevent her from being a danger to herself and others, you will already have done your fair share. Any appointments you can get her to, routines you can establish, ground rules you can get her to accept - any achievement like that on top would be incredibly impressive. Not losing your mind would be impressive, come to that. You are already doing a grand job!
So SIL is coming down to visit any day now, is she..?
You're kidding right? I called her Saturday Night, asking for help, that I was feeling repressed and overwhelmed and her response was, "why aren't the boys helping?" , to which I replied. "They didn't sign up for this." She got VERY upset with me and said "I'm pissed off that you said that, I run a business, raise three kids, go to college full time, and not that anyone knows yet, am currently getting separated from my husband." and then proceeded to hang up on me, and call my husband, to which my husband called me and said. "Seriously, Why can't the boys help? How can you say they didn't sign up for it? That's their Grandmother, they shouldn't be so selfish.".
My first and ONLY responsibility is to MY children, and It's ok to ask them to sit with grandma and pitch in, but to ask them to take a more major role is NOT gonna happen on MY watch, which is why currently I'm the one suffering and doing all the care-giving.
OMG and Wow. Do you realize how much that reflects about your approach? Listen to Barb and CM; they've been through this before and offer "advice from the trenches."
MIl has funds to pay for a nurse, but you're not sure that you can afford it? What are her assets for if not for her care?
Your sons have an excellent insight into the situation. Listen to them.
And think carefully about how they'll view you as a mother, your husband and his mother. Do you want them to grow up seeing their mother subordinate her life, self respect and standing in the family to care for someone forced onto her by decisions in which she had no part?
I'm going to be more blunt after reading your second post, as I see the Justification and acceptance mode more clearly now.
I'll repeat and elaborate on Barb's always sage advice. If you act like a doormat and let people treat you as one, then they will. You'll be a doormat for your MIL and husband. Your sons will see this and probably resent it. And may begin treating you as a doormat parent.
If you feel that counseling will help, by all means get it. No one should be accepting and justifying compromise on your part at this early stage of the game. Counseling might help reveal deep levels of low self esteem, which factors into allowing this situation to continue.
And work out a caregiver contract as well as compensation. See an elder law attorney if you need help, but you should at least be compensated for the wages sacrificed.
To DH; "why can't you help? It's YOUR F##king mother, you a$$hole".
Call the Area Aging on Aging tomorrow or Monday AM.
And just realize that you have ZERO legal responsibility here; in your shoes, I might find my way out of the house on Monday on a trip to the employment office.
Desperate, maybe you should also plan a trip with your sons during their holiday vacation. Hubby can just take time off work to care for his mother.
Or SIL, who has flexibility with her own employment, can come down to your house, set up in an office in YOUR bedroom and stay a few weeks at a time.
I hope you realize that we're not denigrating your MIL; she's the beneficiary of your free work and dedication, instigated by the poor respect and treatment from your husband and his sister of you.
Just curious, has your SIL always been this overbearing, making decisions on your behalf?
If you don't believe us, check out the threads in the hit I posted earlier.
LISTEN to your heart, and mostly to the sage advice offered by those who are weighing in on your dilemma.
I too, was "roped in" to taking care of my FIL during his last year of life. I wasn't currently working (still had 2 very hostile teenage daughters living at home at the time) and my hubby travels extensively for his work. I don't even know how it actually happened--FIL got really bad--and the next thing I know I am hotfooting it out to his place 3xs a day to feed him, coerce him into a shower and cleaning up incontinence accidents.
Hubby decided that we should just bring his dad here. OMgosh--my girls lost it. They loved their gpa, but his presence would have been just too much, 24/7. They BOTH said, "if you need to move g-pa in, that's fine. we're leaving". I don't think they were selfish--they were self-preserving.
Dad had money for an ALF, he lied and told us he was next to impoverished. I kept up the 3 times a day runs to his place for several months. No thanks from hubby or his sis or brother, no asking how he was---just a constant grind that felt like it wouldn't end.
I too felt "diminished" and shut down, as if the fact that I was at that time a SAHM, meant nothing. Those two last kids almost killed me, emotionally, they were so hard to deal with, as teens. Add an elderly, very sick man and zero help from anywhere...
You do need to stuck up for yourself. In therapy I learned that I chronically do for others due to a low sense of self worth--and I am still working on that, not functioning and "doing" out of guilt.
Your MIL should be in a home, you should be allowed to live your life, spend what time you need with your family, AND help out with her care, when YOU deem it appropriate.
If hubby won't talk to you, in a manner that is reflective of respect for you---walk out. Let him know you're taking the boys on a short trip, tell him he can manage his mother and leave. While this is maybe kind of manipulative--it also may wake your hubby up to the fact you are doing all the things and he is not even aware how hard his mother is. This is what I had to do to get my hubby to realize that he did NOT have stewardship over me! I didn't have to go anywhere, he realized I meant business and didn't press the FIL moving in with us issue.
Looking back, I did not know how many agencies there were who could have helped with FIL. I was a lot younger and just didn't know what I know now.
Hang in there!!
Ultimately, the only person that you can control in this situation is YOU. And if YOU decide to go out and get a new job on Monday, there isn't anything that anyone, not DH, not SIL, not doctors or social services can do to make you stay home. You are not MIL's guardian. You're not her POA. You are not her paid caregiver.
Giving notice at this unpaid " job" is certainly an option I'd think about.
yeah, that's the culture in my husbands family, especially since when he and his sister talk to their mother on the phone she's is emphatic. "I'm not going to no home". So it's expected for ALL members of the family to pitch in for family, including children, which is laughable seeing how her ACTUAL offspring can't seem to be bothered.
I was kinda bitchy and sleep deprived Sat Night after My husband and his sister ganged up on me for not asking my kids to take a more prominent role, and texted both of them (because I knew I would yell at them, and I refuse to engage when the situation is heated like that) , they should not JUDGE me unless they have actually spent a week with their mother, with no other additional help.
I sent an email to the Council of Aging in my county this morning asking if they could point me in the right direction for some respite care or maybe an in home assessment for what might be available in hopes of a compromise. That's all I can do right now. The holidays....
Which by the way.. MiL has NO idea it's Thanksgiving ... I told her. "Happy Thanksgiving" and she thinks that's next month.
I'll find a way to soldier through this weekend, but come Monday, I'm making phone calls to get either the Council of Aging in here, or Social Services, and I'm not going to sugar coat, ANYTHING. (which is another thing her offspring tend to do) "She's just forgetful" "She's just restless at night" "She just misses our father and is lonely".
Them sugar coating the situation is what landed me here... Someone, somewhere is GOING to hear the actual fact come Monday. and I pray, that I find the right resources.
The only way out of this is to assert yourself because it is in the best interest of all the others to consider the problem solved. Poor MIL can't be reasoned with because she undoubtedly has a disease that is slowly killing brain cells, take time to educate yourself about caring for someone with dementia - this forum is an excellent resource. Methodically explore all other options for MIL and job opportunities for yourself, then present them all with your findings.... and an ultimatum.
May I ask what AAA is? and what types of services they offer?
I'd start with your County website. There should be a link to "Aging Services" or something like that. The first thing you want, I think, is a "needs assessment".
I'd tell them that MIL has moved here because of an emergency situation and that you need to go back to work......very soon. And that you need to explore what sort of care she is eligible for.
If I might ask, does she have an income stream, pension, assets? I understand that no one has POA, but YOUR assets should not be used for her care; her SS, pension and whatever else she has is what gets used for this.
Make it VERY clear (even if you have to stretch the truth) that she will be on her own after next week in your home, that you HAVE to go back to work or risk losing your home.
I think what I needed was to hear from outsiders that my space/needs are IMPORTANT too. I already sacrifice so much just being a mother of two teenage boys and a husband on the road. (I'm basically a single mom 28 days a month)
I just needed to hear, what I already felt, that even though I don't mind chipping in, I was not being selfish for not making my ENTIRE life about taking care of HER life.
Now to have the courage to follow through, I'm actually glad I found this site. Because it gives me a perspective that I feel will be needed and highly sought after in the coming months/years.
Yes, she has SS and a pension from her job, but apparently, those resources are going to keeping up her house in Miami, (which let me remind you she's been told she can't stay in by herself) Her son and daughter want that house to just sit there until she passes. And although I am not aware of all of her finances, I do know that even with the upkeep of that house, her SS and pension are more than her outgoing upkeep.
That's what smart folks do.
The truth is.. I am HOPING, that the Council on Aging will advise ALL of this, so that I might be able to force the issue with both my husband and his sister. Because until someone with "authority" or something says something I am sure they will both continue the ostrich method of dealing with these things.