My mom (78) and Dad (83) live nearby and my mom has become a hoarder. They live in their home which is paid for and I provide assistance with driving them to appointments and some general help with things they can't physically do themselves. Dad can barely walk due to strokes, can't see due to macular degeneration and has moderate dementia. Mom is his caretaker and adamantly refuses to hire any kind of help.
As dad has gotten sicker, mom's hoarding has gotten worse. The house is so full of stuff she drags home from all over that I can't get into most rooms. She gets donations from foodbanks and the kitchen is so full of rotting food that I can't stand to even look inside.
I go by a few times a week to help with things and at first I would kindly suggest that I could help with cleaning. Mom would keep pushing me off saying she doesn't have time. When I tried to clean one time on my own she accused me of throwing her stuff away. When it got really bad I started to get very upset every time I came to the house and saw how they were living and it would end in mom throwing a tantrum about how she has to "care for a sick old man" so she can't do anything else. Dad gets upset when he hears us arguing but he seems pretty oblivious to the conditions he lives in.
I know that caring for dad is hard, but I think the hoarding has become some kind of psychological crutch for mom. If anyone saw the conditions they live in, social services would be called. I am at a loss. For now, I have chosen to ignore the hoarding and do what I can to keep them safe and in order to preserve our relationship since I don't know how many years they have left.
But it is eating me up inside seeing them live like this. What would you do?
Thanks for listening :-)
I always say nothing gets an elder a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
A flowchart provides which other services will be involved after the initial contact.
Eg child/elder/animal neglect/abuse to relevant child/elder/animal Welfare Depts. Vermin/pests to Health Dept. Lack of pathways & hoarding of flammable materials to Fire Dept - smoke alarms can be mandated.
Mental health concerns can be escalated to Psychiatric Triage.
I believe Psychiatric triage covers a wide range, mental illness but also including any apparent lack of reasoning.
This is where undiagnosed cognitive decline, dementia would fall.
The OP's Dad has dx dementia. There would need to be some assessment of her Mom's abilities to declide the next steps.
It may be plain overwhelm. With some help to decide differently, Mom could accept help & stay in her home - with more home services/cleaning/personal care help for Dad. Or be assessed for & treated for depression. Or of she has some cog decline, this be assessed fully.
However, the alternative is to skip all that. Skip this step.
Just wait until an actual crises happens to force change. This is a valid choice. But it may have serious, or even life threatening consequences.
Dad would choose to stay in his home no matter what the conditions are. Mom would refuse any kind of help and wouldn’t participate in any kind of counseling.
So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and completely guilt ridden. The neighbors probably wonder why I don’t do more to help them. My only sibling has retreated to another state, rarely visits and takes no accountability for anything so I am feeling like this is all on my shoulders to deal with.
The person I hired probably saved my own life by helping to share the stress. I didn’t realize this at the time but I needed the support (mentally more than anything) to get through the tough decisions. My Mom is now in a nursing home with severe dementia. Not the the life I wanted for her as she aged but the key is that she is safe and always looked after.
I could share many more details so please feel free to reach out. I’m happy to help you the best I can. Tackling this alone is not the answer. You need a team (at least a teammate) and for me that was my geriatric care manager.
Good luck! It won’t be easy but you will get through this!
I would also call your local police non-emergency number for a wellness check on your dad.
Senior Services:
https://lacounty.gov/residents/seniors-older-adults/health-wellness/
APS will take the father out because he's disabled. If the house is really bad APS will contact the police because a hoarded place like that is a threat to public health. APS officials are also duty bound to report to the proper authorities.
I worked in a house a few times when I was young that was so hoarded and despicable that there was bugs and vermin everywhere. The completely useless RN case supervisor for the company I worked for went out there and opened the case. She did nothing. The physical therapist who went twice a week for the old lady, said nothing.
I talked to the police in the town one time and told them I didn't know what to do because the homeowner was elderly and handicapped. Her son and DIL were supposed to be her caregivers and they turned the place into what it was.
The cops sent APS in there and the town gave them a certain amount of time to clean it up. They did nothing. The town condemned the place and tore it down.
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