Here I am, again. I don't know why I am not coping better. I just had some kind of mental meltdown because I do not want to see my mother every day. I'm sick of it!
The expectation on her end is certainly there. I mean she eats at my place 80% of the time, and if I'm not already at her place she thinks nothing of calling me to announce she is coming over. Me: Why? Her: I'm bored.
WTH is wrong with me that I can't make and enforce boundaries? In my life I have not been a weak person, but in this situation I feel so weak and so depressed.
If I make plans and go do something for myself, I feel guilty that she is in her place all alone. I know she is dealing with this terrible disease and knows this on some level so I feel terrible for her, and it makes it impossible for me to enjoy time away.
My husband tried reminding me that my mom has been a widow for almost 25 years. According to him she is "used to being alone"... IDK, maybe he is right? But why is this so hard?
How can I get rid of the guilt? I don't even know why I have all this guilt. I feel guilty that I don't enjoy being around her, but I can't stand the thought of her suffering. This sucks!