How long is this going to go on?

For me, this cannot end soon enough also. On top of two 95 yo parents who live 3000 miles away in a NH, with my mother still awaiting the Medicaid decision, my son in law decided that he needed to live his best life and he left his four children and wife (my daughter) on Monday morning. So I needed to cut my visit to my parents short to fly back home to my daughter to help them through the early stages of this catastrophe.

Im so damn tired of everyone’s crap. It just never ends.

BeeBee - There came a point in my husband's relationship with his father when he just had to cut him off whenever he started any sort of drama. It was too much. We had given him a lot of leeway thinking it would help him adjust to losing my mother-in-law but, alas, his anxiety continued morphing into other things on which to dwell. It was never ending. As long as you lend an ear, expect your mother to bend it. Why would she seek help outside of you when she has you giving her all the attention she can get out of you? Do you see??

I see this thread just came back up. Did you make any changes since Sept?

I am seeing it for the first time. I think this stress will continue to be a challenge.
Two things:

1) Hopefully your brother is putting roughly equal effort as you are?

2) Who is around locally? Friends, neighbors, religious groups ? Is there anyone locally who can spend more time with your mom and help to do some of the daily reassuring to help the anxiety? As your dad ages further, that may well lead to more and more anxiety for her...

I think it will end when you decide that you cannot continue on with it. You aren't god and aren't a Saint, and you didn't cause this, nor can you fix it.

At some point you will have to make a choice for yourself and explain to your parent you have done so, and why. And allow both yourself and parents to mourn, then choose the safest and best placement you are able.

Truth is this may not END of it's own volition for decades.

My mother's extreme anxiety was life long and caused chaos in everyone's life, mostly mine. Her refusal to treat it with medication created problems for others including herself, which worsened with age. She refused to write checks, learn finances, pay bills, drive, or do anything else the rest of adults do to take the burden off of spouses and children. As my father's health deteriorated, her "nervousness" worsened. Which made MY life even more of a living hell, as an only child.

After dad fell and broke his hip, he had no other choice but move into Assisted Living. Mom insisted she wanted to stay alone in their independent living apartment where I'd be responsible for EVERYTHING on her behalf bc she was really a child. Plus her fears and anxieties would've had her calling me 100x a day, and I also had dad to deal with in AL and they couldn't afford 2 rents. So off she went to live with dad in AL.

Best decision EVER bc it calmed her down tremendously. She had others taking care of dad, meals cooked for them and served 3x a day in a beautiful dining room, entertainment, happy hour with a band on Fridays, her apartment cleaned, laundry done, gardens to stroll, exercise, etc etc. She was in adult day camp and I was paying all her bills. She was happy as a pig in poop.

Dad died 10 months later. The women folk scooped her up and brought her back to life. Took her to meals in the dining room, to activities, excursions on the mini bus, shopping, etc. Her grief was very well managed due to her support system in AL. I shudder to think what would've happened had she not been in AL.

I know your 73 yo mother is not so open to AL. It may be THE best thing that ever happened to her, as it was for my mother. Your father has the long term care insurance......you might consider giving it a try.

Best of luck.

This is going to be even a bigger problem in the future, People having children later in life. There was only 21 years difference in age between Mom and I. I was retired when Dementia took over her life. My girls 28 yrs and 36. This means when I am 85 they will be 50 and 58. Both still working (both single for now) and probably going to need to work until SS full retirement age of 67.

If your parents can afford it, a nice AL may be good for both. Mom won't have full care of Dad. No need for her to cook, clean or do laundry. One bill a month to be paid.

Again I am struck by another adult child taking care of adult parents who didn't plan or discuss their later-in-life plans. Then it's left to their children to manage all of it in the midst of taking care of their own families and homes.

All of us need to plan so we don't become a burden on the ones we claim to love most. My parents didn't do it, and it was a miserable mess for me to manage. I've done a good bit of planning for myself and continue to do more. I've discussed it with my adult kids, and they're grateful for that.

Let's do it right so there won't be so many ruined lives, financial issues, uncertainty about where to "put" us when we can't care for ourselves, and let's make plans for what will happen to our pets. Let's do it NOW!

Sorry you are having a tough time with this tough situation. Your dad's situation? Who knows how long it will go on? I guess too long, right? I would imagine that his quality of life is very low. And your mom's too. Oh you too, right?

If it were my mom, I would look at getting her something for the anxiety. It will be hard, but you need to set some boundaries on her using you as a therapist. Maybe you can get her a real therapist instead of you being her one and only person to dump on. No thanks!

My mom is in AL after 7 years of living with me and hubby. Her dementia is getting close to consistently moderate with some mild moments still. I'm taking away her cell phone tomorrow and installing a landline that is going through a service called telecalm. I hope it works!!!

Good luck to you.

Oh gosh, I just logged on because that is exactly what was going through my brain tonight incessantly..."When will this end?!". You are SO not alone, not that it helps as of course, I cannot answer that for you any more than you can for me. For me: It has been a YEAR of hospice after being told 3-6 months, moving to my hometown "temporarily" to make her "end of life" (which it seems could be a long way away!) fulfilling, and make amends by being the "good daughter"...only to feel trapped without an exit strategy that is acceptable to me, but also feeling like I cannot wait for her to die every time I see her.
And as she gets frailer and more scared, her neediness --which is understandable--angers and suffocates me. Yes, I am her therapist and I have to show how glad I am to see her each time or she feels my reluctance and panics. And this is even knowing what I know and taking good care of myself...it just feels endless, and it is the NOT KNOWING that creates so much fear and anger in me.
"When will it end": The hospice nurses cannot tell me. No one can. And the saddest part is that I just have lost my love for her over this time and enjoyment. It is drudgery and complaints and money, money, money. I am just emotionally, financially, mentally exhausted by all of this. Seven years plus of managing all aspects of care you mentioned...it is horrible to want someone to die and yet in this forum I see that theme again and again.
I will say my mother's anxiety was really getting bad and she is doing well with Xanax and Zoloft as a combo. It really has helped a lot.
But there are some things meds cannot fix, and the anxiety of growing old, caregiving, not knowing your future...that cannot all be medicated away.
Best of luck to you--you are NOT alone.

It strikes me that that your parents got old. (Mine too 😪).

Younger-Older age can be a time of less worries, maybe less financial pressures, childrearing is done etc.

Then the OLD-Old age comes. Bringing so many unwelcome things! Sudden falls & broken bones, illness, brain changes.
Also covertly taking - dimming the eyesight & turning the hearing down. Stealing confidence & planning ability, leaving higher levels of anxiety.

A friend of mine found his Mother beoming inceasingly overwhelmed. New anxiety over handling her daily life, bills, home. He took her by the hand (figuratively) & led her to her next home - they toured then chose a nice Aged Care Village type residential home (with continuum of care).

The anxiety had been mostly situational - as her independance level no longer FIT her living arrangement.

Now with the daily help, meals provided, bills & appointment scheduling given on to others, it FITS better. She can be free to be as independant as she can in her own space. Join groups & socialise again, something she was losing before.

BeeBee, seems your parents need to really consider what they want & need now. Is it more & more services to allow them to stay in their home longer? Or it is time to find a new home? Togther while they can. Where Dad can be supported by aides alot more & Mom able to bring her stress down.

Oh my gosh, that sounds so tough! What a long time to wait for all of you. But glad you don't get upset over anything!

Thanks for your words. Much appreciated.

We're heading into month 9 with my MIL 'in active Hospice'.

So--being told 8 months ago she was going to die in 2-3 weeks and having her here after all the drama and handwringing--it's kind of lost its 'power'. We just don't get upset over anything.

I'd try to help mom--some antianxiety meds may help her to ride through this with a little better outlook.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are most assuredly not alone.

In my case, not soon enough, I've reached my capacity to be able to handle and cope their multiple crises over the past years. There's nothing left in me even to grieve when it is finally over. And that is the saddest part of the whole thing.

Your feelings are appropriate, and this will end with death, which I am certain you already know. It is amazing that you all are functioning at ALL, and yet you are, and you are functioning TOGETHER. You cannot know how rare that is on this Forum for us to see.

I think you will need to know that this is ongoing and to accept that. You have to be well aware of it, and aware it is getting worse. You and your family should not be speaking TRUTH to your Mom. She SHOWS by her level of anxiety that she already knows she cannot go on with this much longer lest it kill HER first (and it well may any day now). Her anxiety is appropriate to her situation, as are all your feelings.

I am so sorry, yet I cannot help but applaud you for the work you are doing so far. And to wish you the best. At some point, without the intervention of the grim reaper, Mom will not be able to sustain this at home. Time, when you visit, to be honest. Crying about it is fine, but some things cannot be fixed. I just am so sorry.

Medicines might help mom to be less anxious. Also you need to work on cutting her venting conversations down to about half of what they are now.

Keeping them in their home may not be the best idea. Much of the work you do for them wouldn't exist if they were in assisted living and/or memory care. It's time to reassess because this could go on for quite some time.

You are in a situation where you may be expected to take mom into your home if dad needs care elsewhere and moves out. Don't do it. Mom has to go to assisted living.

What you've already painted is a picture of an elderly women who has not taken responsibility for running her own household or life, even though she has home care for her husband. She has shunted all of that on to you. Yet many women in her position and age group do it all and do it well. It's likely that she will expect you to go on doing it as long as she lives, and you don't want that! So be aware and plan ahead. You don't need a lifelong leech who will suck you dry. You deserve to get your life back!

I wish you luck.

BeeBee, welcome!

Your mom needs a workup for her emotional state.

I don't know if mom has always been fretful and anxious, but this is NO NOT "expected". Either she has something going on that requires therapy and medication OR she is experiencing some cognitive loss which is driving the anxiety.

The current state of affairs can't continue.

In your shoes, I would schedule a neuropsych workup and see if perhaps they BOTH need to be in AL.