He wants me to care for him- I have my own young family- a complicated stressful full time career with a ton of responsibility and I am struggling setting limits. To be honest, growing up with my dad was very hard. I had no relationship with him for over 25 years which probably saved me- I reconnected with him 10 years ago and while he was sober and in a good place in his life 10 years ago, but many of his old abusive and manipulative characteristics are apparent now again. He has no one else to care for him (no other family member has contact with him- his sister disconnected, his cousin, all 6 children both ex wives). I have coordinated a care giver (no easy task given his chosen to build a house in a remote location) taken over his medical care coordination and finances, and visit regularly to help him get out of the “pickles” he gets himself in and “fix” the next issue. I could go on and on to paint a real picture but it would take too much time- but his needs are overwhelming and all controlling. It is really impacting my mental health. I try to think of him like a client and to find solace in making his life easier while detaching emotionally-but his behavior is getting worse and he is becoming more and more abusive. I know it’s not healthy for me - but I can’t ignore his needs.
I am not sure there is any one answer to my ultimate question of how to cope beyond balancing caring for myself with caring for him- but any tips that you can think of would be great.
Your dad has made choices, too. He chose to be a jackass and chose to not learn the lesson that most people (except you) will walk away from that treatment. I think you maybe need to talk to a therapist, as you seem to have a dysfunctional or co-dependent relationship with your father. You have a conscience, and you are concerned for him as a human being, but you need help with boundaries. Your own family comes first and eventually your father's needs will overwhelm you, your time, energy and mental health. If you can't make yourself walk away from him (like other wise family members) you may wind up losing your family as well. He is a grown man who had his whole life to save and plan for this season and eventuality of his decline, just like all of us. He chose not to. You in no way are obligated to come in to rescue him or help him in any way -- there are other solutions available to him besides you. If you juggle flaming balls you will eventually catch fire.
His "pickles" are his own. What you are doing is enabling a charade of independence.
Find a good counselor to help you understand that you are not responsible to pay the price for his choices. You are not his doormat, so stand up.
Call APS and report a vulnerable, at risk senior and let the state deal with his needs.
Your husband, children and you all come before him. After you are all taken care of, then you can help him, if there is time. Don't short your children to accommodate him, it is time you will never get back. Burning yourself out for him will make you someone you don't want to be and that will adversely effect your children.
He is the one that needs to make changes, like moving into an assisted living facility and selling his remote house. He doesn't get to control you and be in charge unless you let him. Remember he is the one in need.
There is a good reason that all other family has totally disconnected. This doesn't mean your have to stay because you are it.
(I believe) That pain never healed.
Be aware of 'who' - which part of 'you' is reacting - the child or the adult 'now.' It is not the adult now although this may be confusing/difficult for you to not only understand but how to move through and forward. While I often advise / encourage people to get into therapy, the awareness of your behavior is the first step.
1. You, as an adult now, need to decide how to respond; and
2. Set boundaries, limits on your 'helping' (the helping is continuing the wounding of the past for YOU)
3. Many children abused continue to 'love' their abuser because it is all they have / know. This is not love, it is trauma caused by what has happened to you. Your 'love' now is self-abuse.
4. Understand that he no longer 'controls' YOU - you allow whatever he says, wants, needs, etc control or dictate your thoughts and behavior.
S - T - O - P
5. You need to understand that you (YOU) and your immediate family come first. And that you can only do so much for him. You cannot 'save' him. He will make his own decisions and suffer the consequences.
6. You must be clear on:
a) wanting to separate (the wounded child from the adult you);
b) if he can understand, tell him what you will and will not do; ... and if he doesn't understand, you DO IT anyway. The boundary setting is for YOU and your well being and your family. You are acting out as a 'co-dependent' - find out what this means through AA program, attend meetings if you can. Awareness is inner-power.
c) enlist social services or medical professionals as available; and
d) be very clear on your priorities (i.e., you, your immediate family) and make 'healthy' decisions from the 'adult' you now.
7. Realize you are that wounded child and get professional help to untangle the 'two yours' - you need to heal and let your dad do what he wants.
8. Really think about your immediate family and how YOU want to be with them, and the example you set. You want them to grow up healthy, mentally, emotionally, etc., and you need to be there, in the present.
9. Your dad will NEVER CHANGE. He cannot. You can and you need to for your own sanity and realizing the messaging you are giving to your husband, children by your behavior. You are teaching by example: no personal boundaries = no self-esteem, wounding behavior.
10. What you say here "... but I can't ignore his needs."
Yes and No. You do what you can, set limits, and the chips fall where they fall.
You S T O P contribution to your own chipping away at yourself AND you start to heal that inner-child. Your feelings here are the 'wounded child' speaking.
He will consume you if you allow it.
And then, how will you be - with yourself and your immediate family? You will burn out if you do not put on your 'adult hat' and take responsibility for who you are now and make healthy decisions.
* Will this change of your thinking and behavior be easy. ABSOLUTELY NOT. It will take focused awareness and a decision on how you want (and need) to proceed. It starts with changing your 'head/thinking' - telling yourself you want to heal that abused child and this is the way to do it . . . self love, feeling through the discomfort of setting limits, challenging your own thoughts (guilt) of stepping back / setting boundaries.
* Lastly, research books 'wounded child' 'co-dependency.'
Gena / Touch Matters
You are doing more than enough for your father. You have arranged for in-home caregiving to take care of his daily needs. You have taken responsibility for managing his money and financial decisions. You have become his medical secretary who is keeping track of all the conditions, their treatments, and all the doctors. You also visit regularly.
Considering you're doing all of this while still working a full-time job and raising a family, I'd say you're doing a fine job as your father's caregiver. If all of this isn't enough for him then TOO BAD! He can go into a nursing home then.
You do not have to cater to his every whim and demand. Nor do you have to tolerate his abuse because he wants you to make his care needs and what he wants your entire life. He doesn't deserve that. No one does.
Stop tolerating this behavior from your father. Remind him that he had no relationship with you for 25 years and that you can easily resume that once again and very easily. Good luck to you.
trust me. Mine did move in with me snd I’m loosing my mind. I feel depressed fir the first time in my life. My relationship with him is damaged and getting worse. My relationship with my child, and husband have been compromised. My work is compromised. And HE is lonely and depressed, with no activities. Perfectly able person too. It’s a nightmare. Do not move him in with you.
i WISH I had gotten this advice - but alas, im now in s as situation where im loosing everything I love.
However GCM are not usually covered via insurance unless he has a Long Term Care Policy. If he can't afford the private pay cost look into Medicaid and then assistance through them.
It has become something I hold on to when I start to question if I'm doing enough. My folks are 'only' dealing with the steady decline of getting older, but neither one of them really positioned themselves to make sure they were in better shape as they aged, so I can only do so much. You can't be responsible for the consequences of how he chose to live his life and treat other people.
YES!! Me too! And 99% of the time it’s the daughters. They’re the ones who are expected to step in when no one else can or will.
Hear this, y’all: YOUR PARENTS CHOSE TO HAVE YOU. Even if you were
a surprise, they still chose to have you. You didn’t ask to be here. They signed up for parenting, then decided to back out, see you as a burden, or abuse you instead. You do not owe such “parents” anything because they had sex and made a baby.
Would you go your employer and say “You owe me a raise and more vacation time because I chose to work here.”? Of course not! The same is true for crappy parents.