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My husband’s mother is a narcissist and has an extreme lack of empathy for anyone or anything to a scary degree. Husband says she has always been that way but now, aging and possibly beginning of some sort of dementia has been exasperated. She has no sense what is clean or dirty, not bathing regularly or washing hands, etc. She is never happy in any way, with any subject. She lives in a home most would be very happy and wants for nothing. But, she will only speak of her needs and desires, medication, etc. she can never, ever be positive about anything, ever. she will debate anything. She cannot do the simplest task to help keep up after she or her shedding dog. She flips everything on me in every situation. I cannot walk thru my own house without being caught for hours. I feel like a stranger in my home and the mental and physical beat down after only three months is immense. My husband has just begun retirement process from a very stressful job. He has had some health concerns that she is not even yet aware of. That and other issues take precedence over trying to resolve this serious problem. Holidays have always been so
special to me. She gets great satisfaction in preventing celebrations or destroying them. Really anything important to me she tries to laugh off or criticize in some phony, passive aggressive manner. My husband seems blind to how adept she is at manipulating him, doctors or just about anyone who doesn’t spend lengthy periods of time with her. She has no
feeling at all for anything outside of herself but demands her needs met at the precise moment she wants them to be. I don’t know when I became the “caretaker and maid.” I have been walking this thin line, trying to keep husband from stressing and to keep her “happy” and cared for. I am so mentally and physically rundown, that I don’t even want to look at her. I have nowhere to find peace in the house. I feel like a prisoner in my own home at a time when we should have been able to plan to begin enjoying retirement. How in the world do you reason with someone who doesn’t care to do so? When confronted, Her answer is always, “I don’t know or No one told me.” She brags that she got thru life by saying “I don’t know” so people wouldn’t expect much of her. She just continues on her way with no regard for the way she affects our lives, marriage, house or anything else. My mother has passed. This woman is not my mother, and I have all but lost any feeling for trying to care for her. She doesn’t have enough for AL and her monthly income in this state is too much for government assistance. I adore my husband but he will not really ever stand up for me or against his mom. I am so lost and staring at the new year with no relief is incredibly daunting.

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First thing is to research the traits of a narcissistic person and get tips on how to deal with specific situations. Being very actively aware of that and using the tips provided will help you to take back control and stop being manipulated. Your husband needs you, you married him not his mother. He may also be blind to or unable to deal with her traits, show by example and arm him too. It is essential for your marriage in my opinion. You sound like a loving person, but remember you must love yourself first before there is a hope to truly love someone else. I wish you peace and joy, fellow carer
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Hasn’t the OP, like Elvis, left the building?
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Seems like it! 😁

Some OP’s post, never show up! Lots of yada, yada, yada for nothing.
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When I let my DH know that if he wanted his mother to live with us (some years ago now) and 'we' could care for her...I calmly said that HE could do so, I would leave. He called me selfish, ungrateful (?) petty, mean, all the great words that should have shut me down & made me kowtow to his ridiculous plan.

I stood my ground, he has never really forgiven me for not accepting a woman who hates me with all her heart into my home.

Because, the truth it, he can't stand her, but now that I have zero contact with her (and I mean ZERO) he has to step up occasionally and help out with her.

My 'presence', in fact, that I am ALIVE is irritating to her. I haven't seen her in 3 years. I don't plan to even go to her funeral. She is not in my life.

But DH still brings it up--how selfish I am.

Narcs are a breed apart. You cannot win with one. Sad, but true.

I never hated her. I always wanted a decent relationship, but it had to come from me, 100% and she would decide if she would 'accept' me. Mostly, she wishes that cancer had taken me. And she told me that, in front of DH, who is so clueless he didn't even GET it when she said it.

IDK why she's like that. Or why ANY Narc is like that.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Why on earth would he call you selfish about you not wanting to care for a woman who doesn’t care about you?

Thank God that you told him that you would leave first before taking her into your house. She would have made your life hell on earth.
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I've only had to deal with two true narcissists lately. One was my gallerist, but that was business and I was aware that I was pretending to allow the abuse so she could feel her importance. All okay because she wasn't family or a friend and I could laugh off her antics and share stories with the other artists in the gallery. And now I've moved on. But the hurtful person is my niece. Wow, did she ever cause destruction in the entire family with her wants and needs game. I had to eventually cut off communication with her in order to not be accepting her abuse. Your situation is more difficult because you have this person in your house all the time. You probably need to change that because you seem to be doing as she wishes and not taking care of yourself. It might take a total do over of your personality - "dutiful" - to make the situation work out for you. Find her another place to live.
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Take a two week vacation and leave it all to your husband to do for his Mother. He will understand better then. Maybe then he will sit down with you and figure out how her care will proceed. If this extended away time is not be possible-try at least four days away. Your husband needs to take care of her so many days a week and hire part time help other days. Or, liquidate all her assets and put her on a nursing facility waiting list now. They will take whatever income she has and leave so much for personal care items each month. Have a doctor evaluate her and ask if they can put on medication now. Maybe an antidepressant would help. It may help dull her out some, making her easier to be around her. It worked for my Mom during the time she was on them. Set boundaries and specific designated times that you will be around her. I would set up an area that she can fix her own breakfast and lunch-maybe a set up in her bedroom with a little refrigerator and microwave would be possible. Put prepared foods in the frig so she can warm them up. Put in a camera so she can be monitored. If she starts yelling for you, ignore her-unless she has fallen, and then call 911. Go on outings with your husband regularly and outings just for you. Join a gym, swimming club, book club, vineyard, take a walk every day, etc. Make yourself a priority first. Do fun things out of the house. Have several no cook nights a week, such as pizza or already prepared foods. Seriously, put your foot down now. Medication for you too might help in not caring so much about her narcissistic comments. I know how hard this is-we all do. Most of us make that mistake of moving them in because we have a big heart, not fully realizing how the care and their personality will be. If she only has periodic dementia or forgetfulness, sit her down and let her know how how you feel. Write it down first if you have to. Setting boundaries as to when you are available is vital for your sanity. I hope that your husband’s health improves and can be managed without much difficulty. He too needs to take responsibility for his health. Good luck with everything. Stay strong and live your live fulfilled with happy times.
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"Honey, I can't live like this. Put your mom in a care facility, and I'll be back when she's there. Love you so much, but it's her or me."

Then off you go to a friend, sister, residential hotel.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@TeethGrinder

This is why my man will not stay here. He comes by nearly every day but he will not stay here because he will not share a home with my mother. He's a good man and has let a lot slide with her over the years to keep the peace. He was as tolerant of her as he could be, but always limited his exposure to her. He also saw what moving back here and taking up her caregiving did to me and this he cannot forgive. He doesn't have to.
I choose him and our boy over my mother. I hope the OP's husband chooses her over his mother too.
This is why there can be no possibility of my mother living with us. She thinks she's moving with us and will be in for a very rude awakening when I go if she doesn't get over the nonsense denial and start accepting the help I put in place for her. I hope she will but I don't think so and in which case I am leaving the responsibility of her on my sibling's doorstep. I've had enough years of it.
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Basically impossible. Sad as it is, you should consider alternatives.
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Dutifulntired: Your marriage is your priority. Perhaps your husband never should have moved his mother into your home. She will have to find alternate living arrangements before you fall over from exhaustion.
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I just reread your posting and it sounds as though you suspect your mother-in-law has dementia...........the Geriatric Psychiatrist can help her get a real diagnoses and refer her to any other doctors who might be able to offer professional insights.
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Man, I think we have a very similar situation at our house. Hate to say it but the only options you have are not great and will likely upset the mother in law and the husband but here it is: you must convince him that you just can't do this anymore. Caregiver burn out is real. He may want to take over for a while since he's retiring but see how he does with it, and talk to him about getting her some respite care. I am in process of that with my mom and yes her living with us has hurt our marriage quite a bit and still trying to work through that if it doesn't end up in divorce later on, will see. As far as being between the lines with finances also true here. She needs to put her money into the son's name if he is the only responsible heir. It's still her money but that's the only way to get qualified for the assistance she will need later on. Things can and will get worse. If there is resistance from the MIL or spouse or both on these issues. Honest discussion is the best thing with your husband. You may need a little "you" time to get your self away from the stress and then figure out what to do. This did happen quite a bit with my husband since he had to leave the house to let me take care of my mom and dad, dad passed about 2 years ago. Mom is going through the symptoms differently than my dad did and everyone is different in how they progress. My heart really goes out to you because I see it also in my own home how difficult it is to be a caregiver for a relative with dementia and how much it takes out of you mentally and emotionally. May blessings come your way.
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michelle7728 Jan 2023
Medicaid has a 5 year look back period. Putting money in someone else's name is probably not a good idea.
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Talk to an attorney about how to get her in a Al or NH. If she is stressing you out like this now, imagine what's going to be like when your husband is there all the time you have to take care of him and her. And maybe when he's home you should leave him alone with her for a little while so he can see what she's really like. My prayers are with you dear the only thing I can tell you is breathe, make sure you take time for yourself don't let her be your whole world cuz she's not. I know I'm not my children's whole world and I don't expect to be. God bless you dear take care.
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I send you my love and support, and my own recently-found strength.
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Hug to you and she has to GO!! Sorry Not Sorry
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Hugs for you. You need an immediate sit down with husband. Maybe even in presence of a counselor. Plan all the contacts needed to place her in a care facility or call adult protective services and inform them she refused self care and is abusive to you and is no longer able to stay with you.
husband probably blocks some issues for his own sanity since childhood. I totally affirm how awful a narcissist can be. I felt with my abusiveness mother .
I do agree with the post below as to literally ignoring her words to you. Walk away or continue your task. It did work for me .
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Correct. A narcissistic personality type will not understand how her / his own behavior is affecting others adversely.

KEY behaviors from you:

* Ignore her; do not engage at all. You want to avoid any confrontation or arguing, which is exactly what she wants.
* If you walk away, she has no one to 'fight' with (but herself).
* If you feel inclined to respond, say "I hear you feel xxx" then walk away (as she will immediately substantiate her position / feelings to keep you engaged. Do not allow this). She is baiting or bating you like a fish on a pole, reeling you in.

Do not allow yourself to be pulled into this exchange.
You need to find yourself again.

HUSBAND
* If your husband doesn't support you / stand up for you, then let him handle his mother. Take yourself out of the equation.
* Question yourself: How can you 'adore' a man / husband who treats you like this? This sounds like a dependency kind of love - he is not supporting you, his wife.
* You need to find the strength inside you to feel good about yourself - without his support and regardless of how his mother speaks to you.
* Once you decide how you want / need to be supported by him, have a serious sit-down discussion outlining your needs.
* See if he actually understands how you feel (he may not (?)
* Depending on his response, you must decide how involved you will be - while his mother is in the picture.

FIND SUPPORT
* You need to vent / gain support from family / friends - wherever you can find it (besides here).
* You need to shift your in-the-moment toxic experience to:
- Going out in nature; focus on trees, flowers
- Go for a walk
- Write in a journal
- Do ANYTHING to shift when you feel belittled or beaten down emotionally and psychologically.
- Do healthy behaviors: walk, exercise, meditate. Don't turn to self-destructive behaviors such as stuffing in feelings with over-eating or whatever you might be inclined to do. This is a time when you need to FEEL what you FEEL. Do not judge how you FEEL. Make a DECISION to change your behavior(s) to change the situation.

DO KNOW / REMEMBER

* If you allow this / these scenarios to continue, it is what you are doing to yourself.
* You need to take responsibility for your own reactions / behavior. If you do not change, the situation will not change.

Gena / Touch Matter
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@Gena

Well said and exactly right. Self-destructive behaviors are often the 'Go-To' when a person is is abused or bullied.
I "stuffed" my feelings and smoked like a house on fire for a long time.
I let my mother's abuse and belittling go out of control when I moved back in here. I played into her games for a long time and ate myself up to 250 pounds and smoked two packs a day.
I lost just over 100 of those pounds and haven't smoked in two years because I stopped playing her games. When she acts up she gets ignored completely. She now doubles-down on the verbal abuse and attempts at guilt-tripping and belitting because she knows the clock is ticking and I'm leaving soon. She's in denial and thinks that in the end I'll take her with me to live back with my ex-husband and son.
Not happening.
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Your words, "I don’t know when I became the “caretaker and maid.” I have been walking this thin line, trying to keep husband from stressing and to keep her “happy” and cared for." This is not your job............both need help and clarity and they can get that with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can help mom get placed in Independent Living in a Continuing Care facility. If your husband is not the only child, perhaps another child can take POA and move her near him/her.

If you don't want to continue living this way, keep this little phrase on your lips, "nothing changes if nothing changes." BE THE CHANGE!
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@Connie

I'm all for people seeking out mental health services, but elderly people do not change.
A manipulative narcissist who also has dementia is not going to benefit from anything a geriatric psychiatrist can do for them.
They need to be placed and cared for by professional caregivers.
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There is no reasoning. Narcissism already kills reasonable response to other's requests, and with dementia alone there is simply no longer the capacity to think, reason or understand. Don't expect someone with serious brain defects to respond to you as you would like. There's nothing adorable about a husband who turns a blind eye to it all, especially for you. He's dealt with her all his life by ignoring her and probably doesn't get that you can't ignore her. You became caretaker and maid the day she moved in with you and this is probably how he envisioned it when she moved in. Only he didn't tell you. Women just about become primary caregiver by default. You are indeed a prisoner in your own home.

Consult an elder law attorney to see what your options are and the financial picture to place her elsewhere. They may have additional insight about paying to place her in assisted living. They are used to both the legal aspects and the family issues of caregiving. Our elder law attorney also recommended a great assisted living facility. With this knowledge you can approach your husband with a game plan. You cannot continue this way. It isn't healthy for you mentally, emotionally or physically. There is a 63% higher mortality rate for caregivers with all other factors being equal. If you issue an ultimatum, be prepared to follow through even if it's a month stay in a suite in long term lodging. He may discover he can't ignore the situation anymore.
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Patathome01 Jan 2023
Narcicissim kills respect as well.

Zero Tolerance! MIL needs to be moved out of Your Home, no exceptions! Have her placed into a mental hospital or care facility.

If you requires financial assistance if forced to leave your own home for sanity and safety reasons, ask an attorney or county for assistance. Good Luck!
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You have indeed described a classic narcissist. Narcissists believe that the world revolves around them only. It’s ALWAYS only about their needs and wants. Nothing is ever their fault; it’s ALWAYS the other person’s fault even when the evidence points directly to the narcissist. Narcissists take you for granted; they believe you are their servant or maid. In the narcissist’s mind everyone around him/her is an object to be used for his/her own gratification. They are selfish, and they lack empathy and compassion. I do not know the age of your MIL, but with age narcissism is intensified and it only gets worse.

For your own wellbeing and sanity you need to immediately get your MIL out of your home and into an affordable apartment of her own and have aides come in a few days a week to assist her. If you do not get her out of your home you will end up getting a mental breakdown. I have experienced what you are going through, and I can relate and empathize with you.

For your own sanity, do not make your MIL break you or your marriage. I urge you to do what’s right for YOU.
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I had a similar relationship with MIL. But after a short time I realized to be direct that paratransit and dr. didn't jump to her timing and doesn't wait for or on her and neither will I. To love her well, I made clear boundaries- she can tell me she'd like a trip to the store but I don't do it immediately she must plan ahead like with paratransitevor Dr. appts. The bus and Dr. does not wait for her, she waits for them and schedules to what they have available. With complaints, or not wanting to be agreeable I address with acknowledgment and make appt with Dr. if it's health related- like I can't get up (when I know she can) so the Dr. Can clear her, or she changes her mind and realizes it's better to not make up ailment. I error on caution and do Dr. appt if there may be a problem. If she doesn't want to bathe, she gets a bath aid. I get a few preprepared meals from lean kitchen to keep in fridge so she always has food "extra" to eat between meals- her money buys and if it wastes, not my thing because I addressed her bring hungry between meals complaint- she always has food available prepared. As far as her being my MIL. I talked to my hubby that I felt I was too responsible. He clearly sees what's up when he got the job of putting pills in daily dispenser and making Dr. appts and taking her- also going in with her to hear what Dr hears. He also now shops with me for new walkers etc, so he can see it's normal to not have appreciation expressed. So now we support each other united and care for his mom, loving her well.
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TAW5106 Jan 2023
I like your response. My MIL is very similar to yours. I've been nudging my husband to do more, but he also has a brother that lives close by that does nothing. His other brother lives close by but he's under going chemo right now, but he has us bring her over to sit with him and he will come visit her, then her daughter that lives hours away. My husband does the most for her.

I work from home and have an office across from her room. She never really worked herself and one of my frustrations is she doesn't respect what we've asked of her, if my door is closed do not call me unless it's urgent, if I am on a Teams or Zoom call, same thing. She still calls me so I have stopped jumping up each time she calls. Typical requests are food, help to the bathroom, change the TV channel (lady you've been using a remote how long?), wanting to change or bath. I've set some clear boundaries but will be setting more, like I do not help her bath unless my husband is home. She is a fall risk. Like you if she asks me to take her to the store, or to go get her something I tell her no and we will have to do it later. Once she came out of her room and went to the front door, her friend was there and she was demanding he take her out. He told her no because her mobility is bad, he doesn't want to make my husband mad, and he doesn't want to be responsible for if her health fails.

I told her kids I was going to make her a shirt, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too soft, it's too hard, it's too sweet, it's not sweet enough, I want it, no I don't want it. These all get old with her. I'm looking for other boundaries that I can set with her, lately she's feeling better and seems to becoming more of a diva and I feel she has been competing for my husband's attention. It is very frustrating as she is pushing more now for her own wants and expectations.
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I’d start with “I am not Cinderella” to give DH a visual. Then repeat it every day until he supports you … or explains why it’s okay to treat you like Cinderella.
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As a few here have noted, how do you 'adore' a husband who won't protect you from his abusive mother? It could be that he is all to happy letting you essentially be the 'whipping boy/girl'. This is unacceptable and not loving. You are burning out, which may be the unconscious goal in this 'arrangement'; it may even be the overt goal, to wear you down so YOU leave your own home. I'm inclined to suggest you seek legal counsel in case you need to have financial support if you are forced out of this marriage, or have to leave to save your own health/sanity.

Was your husband a 'mama's boy'? Some men never really cut those apron strings, and the Narcissistic mothers are fine with that constant attention/ownership of their offspring; and some women resent any woman who comes into the picture to divide the son's devotion, making the 'interloper' miserable, feeling like an outcast in their own home. You are not a 'squatter' in your home; it is your home; MIL is essentially a Guest.

Put your foot down, after you find out all your legal protections. This is not deceptive, this is sensible self-protection. You and your husband must be a united front with his mother; otherwise you are 'odd (wo)man out.' Your 'adoration' of your husband might be affecting your seeing your predicament accurately. This also looks like almost classic 'triangulation'...a setup whereby the 3 parties are co-dependent and no real growth can happen; someone always gets the 'raw deal.' Wishing all the best for all concerned.
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I feel your pain. My mother-in-law who is 91 years old, lived with us for an excruciating two years. Finally, my husband defended me to his mom and told her she could not eat in the bedroom if she was going to argue with me about the mess. Thank you Jesus, said she wanted to move out. “But I love him so much!”she cried, “but it would be better if we were apart.” my husband recognize the issues because I expressed them to him from the beginning how his mom was manipulating me and him how she was demanding that I do things and treating me like her servant he just didn’t have the nerve to stand up to her, or the realization that we could find the money to get her moved somewhere else. A place for mom was instrumental in helping me find something affordable, and got me assistance with financial aid from the VA. Even after I told him we’ve got the money sorted out he was still afraid to tell her that she was moving out. I told him that I would move into the place and he and she could leave her alone. That’s when he went talk to her and today is my first day alone in my own house.
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If your husband will not expedite moving her to a facility (or to her own apartment if she can live independently), you may need to move out yourself.
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MIL Lives in Your House? Talk with your husband about loss of privacy, possibly loss of safety.

I think your MIL should be moved into a facility, far away from Your House!
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Just because she has too much income doesn't mean an atty can't offset some of it by creating a trust for her excess to go into. She may even have enough to self pay if you check out some facilities. If she has too much in bank accounts or other assets, that would have to be spent down before she would qualify for assistance to pay for facility care.

With all that said, would your husband even consider placement? If not, you and he can talk about hiring some help with her 'too much' money to help YOU. You clearly are at a breaking point dealing with someone else's mother - he/she need to participate in a plan to allow others to handle some of the chores you do for her. If he's dead set against that, too, then make a chore list and assign things to him. Tell him you want and need help.
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LakeErie Jan 2023
Trusts are not mechanisms for defrauding taxpayers who have their own parents to care for. Her money should be spent on her care, period and not hidden for convenience. When it’s all gone, Medicaid takes over.
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She is bullying you. I would tell husband that I will no longer care for a senior brat with severe entitlement issues; and I will not continue on this self-destructive path of letting this woman control my entire existence! She has made you her personal slave. I knew someone years ago who had a mother in-law like this one you have just described. She ended up in a facility because of being overburdened by both husband and mother in-law. She had a nervous breakdown. This woman was extremely talented. She did illustrations for children's books and ran the family tourist home.

I would tell dear mother in-law that she has two choices: stop the bullying or look for a new place to live. I can't believe that your husband brought this burden into your life to deal with! If all else fails, send her to a nursing facility.

Heck, I'll get mad for you.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
Amen to that, Scampie. I wouldn't even offer her the option of staying even if she can clean up her act and stop with the bullying.
She has to go.
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The first thing that has to happen is that your MIL needs to be put in her place by you and her son together.
The flipping everything on you and trying to make the blame for everything fit you means she's in competition with you for her son's attention. This is more common than people think.
You don't have to let this miserable, petty, negative, narcissistic, manipulative a$$hole ruin your life, home, and marriage because she's old and happens to be an in-law.
Your husband will have to decide that either he wants to live with mommy or with his wife because it's not going to be both. She goes into assisted living or managed care. Find somewhere for her to be placed then drop her off.
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Dutiful, this sounds like a living hell. Please express the needs in your post to your husband alone. Grab a coffee and find a private bench somewhere. I hope he is supportive and open to hearing the burden you are carrying. You both deserve to live your retirement on your terms. I get you know this will only spiral downhill and take both of you with it. Counseling helped us set boundaries. Unfortunately our Office of the Aging was not much help but a google search found a sensible, down to earth counselor familiar with boundaries to help us hear each other and move forward in a happier direction. Wishing you better days; hugs.
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