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I'm sorry if that came across as a little rude, but it's how my 95 year old MIL is.



I've written here before. Briefly I'll explain she fell a little before Christmas 2021 and came to live with us. She lived by herself, but probably shouldn't have, before she moved here. Now it's absolutely no question that she can't be without supervision. She can barely get herself a glass of water.



I've also mentioned before that she was throwing temper tantrums and closing herself off in her room without eating. In the beginning, we "babied" her more, but soon realized that was enabling and quit doing it.



Long story short, she has gotten worse. She doesn't speak English, so I think my husband leaves out most of it, but I know she has been really awful to him. No telling what she says about me, but I'm in blissful ignorance (sort of).



So, it's finally come to it being time for her to go to a nursing home. My husband made some calls today and there is one close by. He just has to get the paperwork together and hopefully make it happen within a week or two.



What I don't understand is why is she doing this? I am pretty confident she does not have dementia. Here's the kicker - she can turn off the meanness when she wants to. Whenever anyone calls her on the phone (all her daughters and countess other relatives, who do nothing to help her but call her), she paints a pretty picture. But to my husband, she tells him living at our house is hell and she wants her own apartment, blah blah blah. She has her own room and private bathroom and he even got her a cell phone so she could still connect to people in her world.



She could be living her last year(s) happy in a nice, comfortable home with people who DO care about her, but instead she complains every single day and picks fights with her son about really random things. He has told me that she has wished illness and death on other people! SHE is the one acting out and causing this trouble. She even told him, "I don't want to be here. I'd rather go to a nursing home!" So... that's what he's going to do. We just don't understand why she's acting like this... sorry to go on and on about it. It does help to write it all out. Thank you.

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Why?
My question is always was this woman very sweet and kind all the time she was raising you husband? Or was she always a bit like she is now and it is only more so.
Usually we remain pretty much who we are unless we completely lose our minds to dementia or stroke or some other brain injury or insult.
Do know that old age isn't any fun, and I think doesn't do a thing to make us nicer. We slowly lose everything we ever had, our eyes, our ears, our balance, our mobility, our continence, our ability to function alone, eventually even our minds. That some elders manage to have some grace is a wonder to me, as at 80 I understand the meaning of the saying that aging isn't for sissies. It is grueling in so many ways, and that is for those of us still relatively hale and hearty.
Whether from the ravages of dementia or whether she was always a bit of a pill is now up for discussion, you and hubby, but Mom is currently who she is, and to think she will change is perhaps magical thinking. Acceptance makes things easier. Take it day by day and I am so thankful that your husband will consider placement now.
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Hopeforhelp22 Jun 2022
Wow, AlvaDeer - such perfect advice and feedback!
I remember having my mother thoroughly tested cognitively because her personality became horrid in every way ....really manipulative, beyond narcissistic - and very abuse (although to the outside world, she was completely different) - and I just needed to understand it. The tests came back without any signs of dementia - but the doctor explained that whatever traits a person has that are unappealing usually worsen when they age - because they really don't have a filter anymore. And his explanation made good sense to me.
It's still difficult hearing others tell me what a lovely person she is - if they only knew.
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I don't really have anything to add except to say you are not alone. Sometimes misery likes company. My 80 year old narcistic mother is mean as a snake. I had to move her into memory care a couple of months ago. At first she was thriving, but now she says all the time she is moving out to live on her own again and wants her car back even though she has been told and been professionally assessed that she is no longer able to drive. She rages and has temper tantrums, it's horrible. You are getting the cliff notes version of my dealings with her, but I have been seeing a therapist for 7 months now and it helps a bit. I am limiting my dealings with her and it has helped a lot more. As with all narcissists, you are only useful if you are giving attention or doing their bidding and now that I have established boundaries and don't give in and enable her, I am no longer useful. She only reaches out when she needs something. I am an only child so her care is on me, and I will take care of her until the day she dies, but will be doing it from afar. I may sound like an ass hole, but I am leaving her day to day care to the people we are paying to do it, and I know that is OK.
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You have your answer. She doesn't want to live with your husband and you so time to go.

You can honor her wish so that both of you can live your life.
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Well, consider yourself blessed that you cannot understand her! She might be saying some pretty nasty stuff about YOU and you're not 'getting it'.

Sadly, my MIL is also a very mean person. She just is. She CAN be kind, sort of, to my SIL's family, but to Dh's and mine and to his OB and his,--we're rotten fruit.

She's 92 and worse and worse each year. You would think this hateful, nasty attitide would abate somewhat over the years, but it has gotten worse every year.

47 years ago she had her gallbladder out. I was just dating DH at the time, and didn't know her well. I remember that I made some tapioca pudding for her when she got home from the hospital, and I DID clean the kitchen and put everything away--and still she was furious that I had 'messed up' her kitchen. And she STILL brings this up. And she's as mad today as she was the day it happened! This woman holds on to grudges, slights and 'bad events' and NEVER lets go. It has completely poisoned her.

I'd hear her talk about something and the timing seemed off so I'd ask 'when did that happen?" and the answer was "Oh, in 1978". Good grief!!!!!!

She says she has chronic insomnia and swears she has not slept in 47 years. The year I came into the family. So, she's been blaming her insomnia on ME....seriously, you cannot make up this stuff. Dh has stopped by MANY TIMES in the day or on towards night and she is often sound asleep in her chair, or even in bed.

You cannot fix this level of mean. You can only close your eyes to it, or, in my case, simply walk away and not see her again. It's been 2 years and I have no plan to ever see her again. so sad--she could have had a good friend in me, but chose instead to make me the scapegoat for all the bad that's happened to her.

People who really know her, know she's like this. It has been horrid, having her as a MIL. I cried way too many tears over the hurts she threw at me. Life is too short to keep going back to get slapped in the face. So I don't.

Dh asked me if I had known she was going to be so awful, would I have married him and the answer is a flat out NO.
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Writing definitely helps you vent.

Can she be seen by a Dr? I would almost bet she has dementia, but you need her evaluated ASAP. Also. As strange as it sounds, a urinary tract infection (UTI) can also cause major attitude and behavior issues in the elderly and those with cognitive issues. She really needs to be thoroughly checked.

Ive never placed anyone in a nursing home (yet, my spouse has dementia, so that’s in our future). I’m thinking the nursing home will want a Drs checkup so they know what they are dealing with.

Dementia is very very cruel. I ve seen it in my spouse, and Ive seen it in a couple of other older relatives. Nice one minute…nothing but hate the next. Yes, it’s true, they do seem to turn it on and off. Try and remember if she does have dementia, her brain is broken. There is no cure, no meds that really do much. It’s very sad and hard to deal with.

Get her diagnosed and placed. Be ready for her to come unhinged at being place and what rotten people you are for placing her. Sorry to be harsh, but her life is over. You and your family need to get on with yours. Visit her all you can, make the time she has left as nice as possible. But know her disease (if she has dementia) won’t make this easy. Do the best you can.
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My mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder, then she got Parkinson’s which blew everything up.

A lot of what you describe she does and worse, I feel like it’s a need for drama and excitement but it can be very toxic.

I think your doing the right thing, good luck :)
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Why don't you get her a cognitive/memory test and then you don't have to guess? You can probably request an interpreter for that appointment. Dementia changes people for the worse. Maybe watch some Teepa Snow videos to learn more about it.

FYI there are many medical problems that can mimic dementia behavior and these should be discounted as well (and they are mostly treatable).
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
Once we get all the required paperwork together and meet with the nursing home facility, we plan to ask about all this. Thank you for the recommendation. I will look into it.
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A 95 year old person does not have a normal brain anymore. There might be atrophy, micro-infarcts and some chemical changes. Drastic personality changes and unusual behavior may indicate some type of dementia. A psychiatric and neurologic evaluations are necessary to get a diagnosis. The bad news is that very little could be done to improve her behavior or mental status.
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Geaton777 Jun 2022
TChamp, to clarify, this is a gross generalization. Many over 95 have amazingly normal brain function. My 103-year aunt is one of them. Reads the WSJ every day. We discuss all topics and we play all sorts of card games together. She keeps the score.
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I think the reason why so many seniors without dementia are so mean and nasty is because people tolerate it because they are old.
When a child 'acts up' they are often called a spoiled brat. There are consequences and even punishments for their bad behavior. When an elderly senior brat acts up people generally just suck it and tolerate it because they are old. Most people were brought up to 'respect' elderly people but never explained that being respectful has nothing to do with allowing abusive behavior.
Call her out on it. I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for almost 25 years. I never played the senior games. I do not tolerate abuse or bad behavior. I will call an old person out on their bullsh*t every time.
As for the 'babying'. That has never flown with me. You treat a baby like a baby. Not an adult. If they are so far gone with dementia that they've regressed back into infancy, that's different.
When an adult is 'babied' like your MIL, it enables them to turn into a demanding senior brat.
Your husband should teach you the following phrase in whatever language your MIL speaks.

'Shut the hell up. Nobody cares what you think'.

This will shut her up. You're placing her in a few weeks anyway. Try to ignore her until then.
The nursing home will probably tell you not to have contact with her for a few weeks. This is so she will get acclimated to her new living environment.
Enjoy your vacation because it will be a good few weeks for you.
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You are to be commended for your endurance with such a distasteful cituation with your mother Inlaw. Some Olderones have not gotten to the point of being thankful they have got to that age in the first place and have a family or son that cares. She is mad at the world and is upset at many things going through her head. Many like her feel they can live alone, they feel they can make rational decisions, they feel they don't need any care at all. They believe in their minds they can do for themselves but they can't so they act out and after awhile it gets out of hand and they can't control it or don't want to control it. They never stopped along the way to think that they were getting old and how that would be. So at some point they do need to understand their cituation and live with it. What they will do at the nursing home is sedate her and she won't know where she is at and that will be sad for you to see. But at this point you have no choice do what you feel is best. She's not the only one there for that reason.
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PenelopePitstop Jun 2022
What you said makes perfect sense. We have tried to remain calm and stay compassionate knowing she can't help it - although some of it is her personality. Maybe it's like when people get drunk? That your true feelings and behaviors come out because you lose all your inhibitions? When she first came to our house, she was not too bad. I actually got hugs and kisses! We aren't doing anything different. And now she's the one being mean to us. And yes, she actually believes she could have her own apartment now. I don't think she will last long in a nursing home. If she is not eating at home (where we have "her" foods) then she'll really hate nursing home food.
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