Follow
Share

Brother wants my mom to wait until he arrives to help our father off the floor when he falls. He instructed her to not call 911 like I recently told her to do for lift assist. Father has LBD, both parents live in their own home and only have a paid caregiver 5 hours a day. My brother lives at least 25 minutes away in an area where cell reception is bad. Luckily his most recent fall did not require a transport to hospital but my mom did not see him fall so outcome could of been different.

Are we seeing here that your bro influences your mother to bend to his decisions? So even though she may believe that your father (and herself) would be better served by calling 911, she capitulates to your bro's pressure? In that case, it is not that she doesn't agree with calling 911 in theory, but that she lets that son run the whole show,

That there is an alcoholic son also, who stays at home and doesn't help makes me wonder about your mother's propensity to be directed by her sons, perhaps against her better judgement. Since you are POA could you consult with his doctor and get a note to the effect that 911 should be called when your dad falls. That may help your mum to make the proper decision.

A thought re "I still feel my mother has the final say on dads care" The reason younger people, mostly children, are appointed as POAs is that as we get older we may not make the best decisions. The three of you were appointed by your dad for a reason. Each POA has responsibility.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to golden23
Report

Your brother can not stop medically necessary care for real?

Have you talked to an attorney about how this 3 way POA actually works? I would think that if you and mom said yes, then yes it is. But I don't know anything about how that would work, other than I never thought it would so no need to know the ins and outs.

Is your brother worried about his inheritance because from what you said he sure in hell isn't worried about his parents.

Why isn't he running the drunk brother out of the house, if he is nothing but an added burden, I personally believe he is exploiting vulnerable seniors by living there and not helping in any way. Time he hits the bricks.

I hope you find a way that both of your parents can receive the care they so desperately need.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Isthisrealyreal
Report

When my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, my sister and I knew that our mom's physical limits would mean he'd need NH sooner than if she were 100% able. We told her that when the time came that it was too much for her and her health was suffering, and she was emotionally ready to make the decision, we'd find somewhere good for Dad and she'd have our full support. She needed to hear that, to alleviate the guilt and sadness later - to know it was ok to say I can't do this anymore.

There's too much risk to your dad by not calling 911 and having him assessed by professionals. Make the call to 911, and deal with your brother's stuff later. He can choose to avoid hospitals for his own health, but he doesn't get to make that call for your dad.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Linda22
Report

Is your brother an MD, RN or PA? Why does he think he knows better than a medical professional?

I think I'd stop pussyfooting around him. Your mother's health is more important than avoiding anger.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report
G4kwx0 Jan 29, 2019
My brother is none of those and unfortunately he does think he knows better than the professionals. He is always looking things up on internet😢
(0)
Report
I understand your brother's wanting to be the knight in shining armour but elderly people can't twiddle their thumbs waiting for their voicemails to be picked up.

One person has to be the decision-maker here, in consultation with the other POAs, and I feel that one person should be your mother. I'm sure she appreciates your practicality and the intentions behind your brother's fierce advocacy, but I'm sure she'd appreciate it even more if you could both focus on just supporting her.

Isn't she the one you're more worried about, though? What are the family's thoughts about your father's future care and what to do about resident brother?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

I see that POA is shared by several people. If you and your mum want to call 911, and your bro doesn't, he is outnumbered. I suppose he tosses a fit if either of you go against him. Having an 88 yr old mum looking after a 91 yr old dad with LBD is too great a responsibility for her. Your bro seems to be in denial about the health and safety issues here. Having an alcoholic son living in the home really adds to the mess, doesn't it? I see from reading the posts that you are prepared that an "event" eventually will force the situation so that dad is taken to hospital and prob to an NH after that, or your mum if she collapses from the strain.

About 40 % of caregivers die before the person they are looking after. These stats apply to your situation where an elderly person is caring for their spouse. Your mum is at risk. I would go against your bro. He is not acting in your parent's best interests. Why do you let his one (very emotional and not well formulated) opinion override you and your mum?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to golden23
Report
G4kwx0 Jan 29, 2019
I still feel my mother has the final say on dads care
(1)
Report
What does your brother say his reasons are for wanting her to call him instead of 911?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Lymie61
Report
G4kwx0 Jan 27, 2019
My brother is afraid the EMTs will want to transport him to the hospital for further evaluation and my brother does not trust anything that is done at hospital. The few times our dad has been in the hospital my brother stays at his side and is critical of everything the hospital staff does or doesn't do.
I don't know where he thinks dad will go if he does have a serious injury, heart attack stroke etc.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
You and your brother are allowing an 88 year old woman take are of a 91 year old with the problems listed on your profile, 19 hours a day by herself? Thats not right.

Go to the court, petition for guardianship or ask for a court appointed guardian and have him placed in a facility. I feel bad for your mom....it is way to much on her.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to tacy022
Report
G4kwx0 Jan 27, 2019
I so agree- my brother is in complete denial as to my dad's condition and my mom's abilities. There is also another non functioning alcoholic adult in the house- my younger brother- not brother that is in denial- which is another stress on my mom. This brother is no help at all when my mom needs help
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Does bro have mom and dad's POA's?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to gladimhere
Report
G4kwx0 Jan 27, 2019
yes - mom my bro and myself POA for dad- mom bro and I are just POA
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
Unfortunately, that phone call will probably come which will precipitate your parents having to move into a facility. I hope your brother will be able to find peace with that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Eyerishlass
Report
G4kwx0 Jan 27, 2019
This time the decision was left up to my mom. EMT helped him to his chair no problems, no head injury or bleeding
(1)
Report
Mom needs to do what she feels is necessary. Bro needs to stay out of this. The fall could have been a stroke, a heart attack, anything.

Maybe dad should be in a facility? That will not stop or even reduce the falling. It may happen more frequently. Dad's care may be more than mom can reasonably provide.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to gladimhere
Report
G4kwx0 Jan 27, 2019
Yes my dad should definitely be in a SNF but my bro absolutely refuses - many of his doctors have told my brother that- my brother is completely unaware of my moms capabilities as my dad's needs increase--I am waiting for the phone call that my mom has collapsed or my dad has fallen and needs emergency care. I am waiting for that medical event that will probably take them both out of the house. My bro has no plan B in the event my mom is incapacitated. Thank you
(2)
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter