We went through this when Mom (with dementia) broke up housekeeping. She gave household items she no longer needed away, which of course was her prerogative. Unfortunately, she was promising a dresser to John on Monday, then giving it away to Mary on Tuesday. And so on and so forth. You can imagine the fracas over these decisions. We all kept our heads, except for one instance. Oh, well.
In the end, Mom blamed it all on me. (Of course). Telling all I had given away all her things without consulting her. Sure, Mom. Whatever you say.
Shell is right. Nothing you can do, really. As a family, we've united and refused to allow Mom's misfortune to divide us. So far it's worked pretty well.
If the person making the agreement has ongoing memory loss, they are basically unable to enter into such an agreement - if the person has no such memory issues but is just regularly “forgetful”, have the agreement done in writing so that they can reread it to refresh their memory of said agreement.
You discreetly take the important decisions off their hands. Do you have power of attorney for one or both?
With the less important decisions - I hate turkey, I want beef, I hate beef; I do want to go/I don't want to go - you go with the flow. And just occasionally, when it's really important to you as a normal human being, this may mean they have to go to a family lunch that they never agreed to, except they did the day before; or can't go to something because you didn't get tickets because they didn't want to until five minutes ago... and TOUGH!
But hold them to their word? They can't give their word.
Is there a particular major issue behind your question, though? Plans afoot?
You're not going to stop it as each time she discusses it's all new to her. Just don't stress over it. Don't go into a lengthy explanation, just give her a breezy answer and some assurance that it is all taken care of. This is much more about changing your reaction to her continuous questions and worries than getting her to remember things she can no longer remember.
Mother had seen this little toddler on Saturday and I guess she wasn't as 'nice' as mother thinks she is. (She's 3, Just 3 and so acts 3 and I guess was scared of mother and refused to talk to her. She also has no clue as to who mother IS)
Mother's Day mother asks me out of the blue if I want that set. I said, VERY HESISTANTLY "ONLY if you write it down have 2 of the kids who live at home ( all adults) notarize it AND you tell all the other sibs you're leaving it to me. I do NOT need the hurt that comes when you tell me my home is 'not nice enough' for your treasures".
Yes, it is the only thing she has that has ANY sentimental value. I used to have sleepovers with GG (her mother) and she would let me sleep in her big bed. I learned to play poker in that bed.
I did remind her, gently, that she has to stop pulling the stickies off of all and sundry things she's promised people--to make things clear for us, I told her that Sister will come out and catalog everything. Nothing can be changed out of that catalog without 2 of the sibs 'watching'.
Again, not that she has anything of value. Just so there won't be hurt feelings.
YB is the executor and is the MOST waffly man I know. If his wifey wanted everything, he'd give it to her b/c he will NOT stand up to her. We call him Dr. No Shot.
He's a good and honest man, but cannot do conflict resolution. Why they didn't pick my OS as the executor is beyond me, but she is a 'girl' and we all know girls can't DO things like this. (Except my 3, who are executrixes 1-3. And my son is an attorney. Go figure. I picked the people who will do the best job)
Interesting a lot of the responses here are about things to be inherited, which can also be a problem for sure when talking about memory problems after a long life. But the way I read your OP gooutinstyle was that your problems were more about current events if you will, agreeing to a procedure for instance or hiring someone to mow the lawn or come in and make dinner. More important concepts of course too and I can only imagine how hard it must be to have to reintroduce them all the time. I know how hard these things can be with my mom and it often takes several conversations and giving her plenty of time (days sometimes weeks) to process new important concepts and get her to see them our way or just acknowledge them at all. Sometimes she looses them for sure but with her it often seems like selective memory, frustrating in itself but having to go through everything all over again multiple times...and then not have her prepared when she needs to be even though we worked hard to make sure she was? Ugh!
I will say that there are times more and more often when I think mom really doesn't remember a conversation/topic when it used to be she had conveniently forgotten and it came back to her but I take the same tact I always do treating it casually like something that will come to her, we all forget. So "oh I thought you said you wanted to do this or that" "Last time we talked about it you said..." "R (my brother)said you decided you wanted..." or "I was understanding...when R explained it". We also often say "I know I don't understand either but Dr X said...remember? He is the expert" Also saying "maybe we should ask Dr Y" often works too because even if she doesn't remember she will fake it like she does when we sell it that everyone was on the same page, you kind of give her a way to appear with it, feel ownership of a decision without the option to change it all around yet without calling her out on not remembering. It's hard to explain and a bit of a tightrope but so far it works. We also just made up a few Q cards of sorts that list the things she needs to do in order each morning when she wakes up (Blood sugar, pills, weigh herself) and that seems to help so I love the idea someone else mentioned with the dry erase board. Maybe you could put options down for instance or concepts your talking about so she can glance at it and know that you did discuss this even if she doesn't actually remember it. This way she isn't feeling challenged. You don't have to be recording things because she forgets, you could be making lists or writing things down so you don't forget it just happens to be in a place where she can always refer to it as well. Then when she starts asking about something you just discussed or you know it's coming you could even ask her..."did we write that down on the board, I forget" My brother is much better at getting her to laugh at herself when she forgets or is having a hard time doing something she has done a million times because her BS is off or something, I'm not as good at that. It has to be hard for them when we are insisting they made some major decision or said something and are following through but they have no memory of it at all, I can see why that would be frightening, we all worry about "loosing our minds".
Lol, now all of that said you probably were talking about passing items on as others thought and I'm way off base!
Mother has 'promised' her stuff to so many people it's crazy. She doesn't have much, but a few pieces of furniture and some Hummel Figurines and some Lladro, a lovely bedroom set that grandma had (it's well and truly an antique)..and that's about it.
Over the years she has labeled several items with a sticky note on the bottom as to whom she wishes these items to go.
So, having her tell me that the bedroom set that my GRANDMA told me would be mine one day is going to a TODDLER is making me grit my teeth. why? This toddler is the baby of one of my nieces. She doesn't even know who mother IS, but for some reason mother has taken a fancy to her. What 3 yo wants a bedroom set like this? Her mama will probably paint it white or let her color all over it....
Last time we talked about anything of this nature, mom was saying that "T" will be so excited to get this beautiful bedroom set. I said 'hey, wait up. you have told me for 25 years that's coming to me'. Her reply "well, your house really isn't that nice, and you got the dining room set". WTH? The dining room set was headed to GoodWill after she gave it to my SIL and she didn't like it. Mother didn't want ME to have it as my home doesn't have a formal dining area.
And this is what's going on with every single thing she has. I don't really care what/if I inherit anything, I don't collect anything, so my sis should get all the Hummel, and the Lladro, since she's the one who gave it to mother in the first place.
She keeps on changing her mind and peeling the stickers off things and replacing them. Then she tells the person to whom she's 'leaving' this item..and confusion reigns.
Like I said, nothing of real value and honestly, if she really wants this child to have this bedroom set, then fine.
I HAVE made lists for her, along with labeling things, but the list and the labels don't match up.
I do not look forward to settling her estate, small as it is. I don't want to borrow trouble, so I won't, but I don't know which list we're going to work off of.
Get the "promises" down as an official addendum to her Will (signed, witnessed, notarized). Once it is specified in the Will it doesn't matter who she promises it to, it goes to the person specified whether they want it or not. Then when she talks about who is getting what you can just respond "oh". No need to discuss because it makes no difference what she says in that minute.
Get a white board or chalk board or bulletin board and write out the answers to the Groundhog Day circle of questions so that s/he can read and reread them as necessary.
Those can be erased, and most likely will be. I would do it on a computer and print copies. Let them have a copy and when it gets tossed or lost, provide another copy. Even better is video record it. A lot does depend on whether OP lives with them or not. I do have questions about these "decisions", which I will address in my full comment.
No matter how you try to document anything, it likely isn't going to work long. I do write appointments on a 2 year pocket calendar mom carries around with her. When I can, I remind her by showing it to her. It sometimes "helps" to get her out the door with less balking.
She used to "live" by a full-size calendar, keeping it on the kitchen table (shortly before we had to move her to MC, I found it several times buried in the pile of newspapers - I think the one I gave her at Christmas got lost that was, probably around March - no idea what calendar I was talking about!)
In the end, Mom blamed it all on me. (Of course). Telling all I had given away all her things without consulting her. Sure, Mom. Whatever you say.
Shell is right. Nothing you can do, really. As a family, we've united and refused to allow Mom's misfortune to divide us. So far it's worked pretty well.
I have no idea how to stop groundhog day circle.
Good Luck!
With the less important decisions - I hate turkey, I want beef, I hate beef; I do want to go/I don't want to go - you go with the flow. And just occasionally, when it's really important to you as a normal human being, this may mean they have to go to a family lunch that they never agreed to, except they did the day before; or can't go to something because you didn't get tickets because they didn't want to until five minutes ago... and TOUGH!
But hold them to their word? They can't give their word.
Is there a particular major issue behind your question, though? Plans afoot?
Mother had seen this little toddler on Saturday and I guess she wasn't as 'nice' as mother thinks she is. (She's 3, Just 3 and so acts 3 and I guess was scared of mother and refused to talk to her. She also has no clue as to who mother IS)
Mother's Day mother asks me out of the blue if I want that set. I said, VERY HESISTANTLY "ONLY if you write it down have 2 of the kids who live at home ( all adults) notarize it AND you tell all the other sibs you're leaving it to me. I do NOT need the hurt that comes when you tell me my home is 'not nice enough' for your treasures".
Yes, it is the only thing she has that has ANY sentimental value. I used to have sleepovers with GG (her mother) and she would let me sleep in her big bed. I learned to play poker in that bed.
I did remind her, gently, that she has to stop pulling the stickies off of all and sundry things she's promised people--to make things clear for us, I told her that Sister will come out and catalog everything. Nothing can be changed out of that catalog without 2 of the sibs 'watching'.
Again, not that she has anything of value. Just so there won't be hurt feelings.
YB is the executor and is the MOST waffly man I know. If his wifey wanted everything, he'd give it to her b/c he will NOT stand up to her. We call him Dr. No Shot.
He's a good and honest man, but cannot do conflict resolution. Why they didn't pick my OS as the executor is beyond me, but she is a 'girl' and we all know girls can't DO things like this. (Except my 3, who are executrixes 1-3. And my son is an attorney. Go figure. I picked the people who will do the best job)
Because I have accepted the fact that her brain is broken I just answer her and/or try to distract her.
Good luck to you!
I will say that there are times more and more often when I think mom really doesn't remember a conversation/topic when it used to be she had conveniently forgotten and it came back to her but I take the same tact I always do treating it casually like something that will come to her, we all forget. So "oh I thought you said you wanted to do this or that" "Last time we talked about it you said..." "R (my brother)said you decided you wanted..." or "I was understanding...when R explained it". We also often say "I know I don't understand either but Dr X said...remember? He is the expert" Also saying "maybe we should ask Dr Y" often works too because even if she doesn't remember she will fake it like she does when we sell it that everyone was on the same page, you kind of give her a way to appear with it, feel ownership of a decision without the option to change it all around yet without calling her out on not remembering. It's hard to explain and a bit of a tightrope but so far it works. We also just made up a few Q cards of sorts that list the things she needs to do in order each morning when she wakes up (Blood sugar, pills, weigh herself) and that seems to help so I love the idea someone else mentioned with the dry erase board. Maybe you could put options down for instance or concepts your talking about so she can glance at it and know that you did discuss this even if she doesn't actually remember it. This way she isn't feeling challenged. You don't have to be recording things because she forgets, you could be making lists or writing things down so you don't forget it just happens to be in a place where she can always refer to it as well. Then when she starts asking about something you just discussed or you know it's coming you could even ask her..."did we write that down on the board, I forget" My brother is much better at getting her to laugh at herself when she forgets or is having a hard time doing something she has done a million times because her BS is off or something, I'm not as good at that. It has to be hard for them when we are insisting they made some major decision or said something and are following through but they have no memory of it at all, I can see why that would be frightening, we all worry about "loosing our minds".
Lol, now all of that said you probably were talking about passing items on as others thought and I'm way off base!
Over the years she has labeled several items with a sticky note on the bottom as to whom she wishes these items to go.
So, having her tell me that the bedroom set that my GRANDMA told me would be mine one day is going to a TODDLER is making me grit my teeth. why? This toddler is the baby of one of my nieces. She doesn't even know who mother IS, but for some reason mother has taken a fancy to her. What 3 yo wants a bedroom set like this? Her mama will probably paint it white or let her color all over it....
Last time we talked about anything of this nature, mom was saying that "T" will be so excited to get this beautiful bedroom set. I said 'hey, wait up. you have told me for 25 years that's coming to me'. Her reply "well, your house really isn't that nice, and you got the dining room set". WTH? The dining room set was headed to GoodWill after she gave it to my SIL and she didn't like it. Mother didn't want ME to have it as my home doesn't have a formal dining area.
And this is what's going on with every single thing she has. I don't really care what/if I inherit anything, I don't collect anything, so my sis should get all the Hummel, and the Lladro, since she's the one who gave it to mother in the first place.
She keeps on changing her mind and peeling the stickers off things and replacing them. Then she tells the person to whom she's 'leaving' this item..and confusion reigns.
Like I said, nothing of real value and honestly, if she really wants this child to have this bedroom set, then fine.
I HAVE made lists for her, along with labeling things, but the list and the labels don't match up.
I do not look forward to settling her estate, small as it is. I don't want to borrow trouble, so I won't, but I don't know which list we're going to work off of.
No matter how you try to document anything, it likely isn't going to work long. I do write appointments on a 2 year pocket calendar mom carries around with her. When I can, I remind her by showing it to her. It sometimes "helps" to get her out the door with less balking.
She used to "live" by a full-size calendar, keeping it on the kitchen table (shortly before we had to move her to MC, I found it several times buried in the pile of newspapers - I think the one I gave her at Christmas got lost that was, probably around March - no idea what calendar I was talking about!)