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This is a tough one! I would not have my mom living with me. I would have insisted that she not waste her money by helping useless brothers who never did a good job managing money. That money would have paid for assisted living.


I would not do it again. I do love mom but this damaged our relationship. It puts a huge strain on a parent/child relationship. It’s too much pressure on the caregiver. It’s too hard for the parent to allow the child to have the upper hand. From what I have seen many times over, parents don’t want children telling them what to do, even if it is for their benefit.

No, I wouldn't. When my mom came to live with me and my two children (12 and 17), she wasn't driving anymore but other than that, we thought she was fairly stable. It wasn't long before we started noticing things like her forgetting to turn off lights, appliances, or faucets, not being able to handle her own paperwork/mail, constant health issues, and finally the wandering and auditory hallucinations. Her personality also changed and she became combative over small issues. She'd call my brother and sister as well as friends and other family members and tell them how she hated living with us and we were "mean" to her. While I was going through it, I gave it my best shot and tried to support her in every way I could, but nothing I did was good enough. We lived like that for 5 years and my kids, although they love their grandma and did a lot for her, couldn't take much more. I can say honestly that it's much better being her daughter again than being her caregiver - it just wasn't possible to be both.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 8, 2019
Oh yeah, things change. Becomes very difficult.
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If I knew what I know now, way back when, I would have left the country to get away from both my parents. They near destroyed me and my life. They are both gone now, but I've had to wait until I'm in my mid 60's to start living.
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MJInslee May 10, 2019
My hat's off to you, ZaRaya. I'm the same way. My parents have been gone for over 20 years, but I often rue trying to give them a lifestyle they could not do on their own. I actually moved from New England back to the midwest to be near them. Left my only 2 grandchildren, 8 and 4. After one year my son told me to return to Maine, as I was going through a personality change. I wish I had. I hope you are thriving now. Hug to you.
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Yes I would do it again. However I should have had all my mother's legal documents checked by an attorney. NEVER BECOME THE CARE TAKER UNLESS YOU HAVE POWER OF ATTORNEY OVER ALL FINANCIAL AND HEALTH CARE DECISIONS. Being caretaker is hard enough without having an uninvolved sibling having control over any decisions. If they will not give up control make them the caretaker.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 10, 2019
Yeah, I need to look into that too. I only have medical power of attorney.
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If I could rewind the clock I would..taking care of my parents has ruined my life. Siblings disappear...they don’t help. And nobody gets it. I’m alone, exhausted, broke, nothing left. They have literally sucked the life out of me. I have no energy left to even pick up and leave...and go where? I will be dead way before them. The depression alone and isolation are going to kill me. The hurt is to intense to explain. I wish I were dead.
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CaregiverL May 10, 2019
KRJ, You are not alone!!! So many of us feel like you do! Hugs 🤗
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No, I would kill myself before taking care of the people I cared for again...broken ribs from being landed on during a "fall," threats due to not wanting to do it, purposely being pooped on because I said no, broken ribs and a concussion from being mean and arrested on false theft charges...f*ck that...in addition to financial burden.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2019
Surprised you’re still standing. That’s outright abuse! So sorry you went through that. Caregiving is so freakin stressful!

Perfect example of when not to say caregiving is a privilege.
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Never. I stupidly never saw this as a possibility. Thinking back , why would I? All I know , is this situation is bad, even with help. Aides coming in twice a week to bathe her. 24/7 with dementia is what some one on Dr Oz called domestic terrorism. My husband, daughter and myself are not able to combat demented behaviors every single hour of every day, but currently that’s what we are doing. Not combat, but deal with, and reassure. My mother is third on a waiting list for memory care. I know this is absolutely necessary.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 7, 2019
Erin,

I truly hope that you find relief soon. It’s a nightmare. I realize no one wants to be a burden to anyone or to have a medical situation but it gets to be too much for others to deal with. I wish you all the happiness and peace the world has to offer. Hugs!
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People will never truly understand it unless they do it themselves, right? I know I didn’t have a clue how hard it was going to be.
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worriedinCali May 8, 2019
Bingo. For those of us who haven’t gone through it (yet), there’s no way in hell we can truly understand it until we live it ourselves. We can watch what those around us go through, we can the stories here and form opinions but we will not truly understand until it happens to us. I watched my mom take care of my grandmother (her MIL) and it was easy at first, she didn’t have anything wrong with her except some life long heart issues. She got to be about 80 and could no longer handle living alone and taking care of herself and a house so my parents took her in (bio son didn’t want to, go figure. She was my dads foster mom, she loved him as her son though). Anyway I don’t recall why but I know that eventually mom got home health started for her, to help with bathing. Grandma started doing less and less for herself which meant mom was doing more and more and eventually there wasn’t anything she could do to keep her happy. My mom was in her late 50s and had her own health issues and needless to say, all her time and energy was spent taking care of my grandma!! And it got to be too much. Luckily my grandma was agreeable to assisted living, it took some time to find a place she could afford but she did come back to California to AL, only a short stay though, her heart gave out one night during dinner! Right after she got to the dining room. I don’t truly understand what my mom went through but I know it was hard.
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No, definately would do things altogether differently! My FIL came to live with us, just as we got our last child (of 4) independant and out on her own at 21, and only days after we had buried my own Mother and My Dad and MIL all in the previous 14 months, we just were not thinking clearly, still suffering extreme grief, which I never got to properly address.

FIL living with us X 13 continued through his natural decline into old age, and we should have forced him into Independant Senior living right from the get go. The Toll it took on our family, our marriage, was just too much especially those last years until his last major illness (Cancer) and his death on Hospice care, us caring for him, dying in our home.

We still and Always would have been there supporting him along the way, but we definately did him and ourselves a diservice by not encouraging him to stay active and amongst his peers, and which would have alowed us to have better boundries and more control over our own lives. Live and learn, I wish I had found this forum 15 years ago!
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NeedHelpWithMom May 8, 2019
Stacy,

It’s such a strain. I get the grief thing too. Often we don’t address grief properly which sets us up to deal with it later. Just hard. Very hard. Doesn’t get easier down the road either. Keeps getting tougher.
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Yes but....
1. I would insist on having them fit into my life rather than focus on them living out the rest of their days.
2. I would not move closer to them but rather have moved them closer to me and insisted they use their money to set themselves up in a home where they could age in place.
3. I would have established healthy boundaries from the start and avoided the caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue that compromised my health and mental wellbeing.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 8, 2019
All great choices. You know what they say about hindsight. Right? Hugs!
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I have been taking care of my mother for atleast 10 years now and she lives with me. This arrangement has cause Depression and anxiety and I am exhausted and stressed out just about everyday. I love her dearly, but knowing what I know now, I would have moved far away and written my father while he was still alive and ask him to make arrangements for themselves because I have to work long after the official retirement age. And hopefully, he would have made the proper arrangements instead of leaving me alone with her 24/7 care and total isolation. No it may sound selfish, but it is reality.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 11, 2019
Thanks for your honesty.
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