How do you get your sister to acknowledge aging parents health decline and their need for help?

Follow
Share

I've been doing it all alone for years. Mom physically and mentally is going downhill. I've told my sister I need help, I've told her I'm overwhelmed.
Now I have had a physical setback and need help myself all the while still trying to do for my mom. She ignores the both of us and its breaking my mom's heart. We don't have any money for outside help. I can't even get my sister to just come visit, let alone help with anything mom needs.
Any suggestions? Extremely frustrated.

Find Care & Housing
6

Answers

Show:
sorry it took so long to get back to everyone -I was locked out for awhile because of password problems. I have tried all of TNtechie's advice before and to no response. I have given up trying to get her to help but I still would like her to at least come visit. I'm seeking professional help, got an appointment today, to help me with the stress of all of this. Thank you for all of your suggestions.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Peggyk19
Report

Have you applied for Medicaid for you mom?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

You have chosen to help your mother. Apparently your sister has chosen to not help your mother. You need to accept that is your sister's right. Please try to forgive her and don't express anger or try to guilt her into helping. While very understandable, expressing those feelings just gives your sister more reasons to avoid you and your mother.

Sometimes people that cannot do actual care giving can be helpful doing other household tasks - like shopping, mowing the yard, getting the car serviced, picking up supplies you have ordered, etc. Can you ask your sister to do one of these tasks? Can you ask her for help straight out - no guilt trips? Express appreciation if she does help?

When I ask for help, I ask like I'm asking someone to do me a personal favor, I ask they do the favor on within their normal free time (unless it's something I really need now) - and I thank the person when that favor is granted.

As care givers we tend to focus on our charge's needs to the exclusion of much of the rest of the world. We're often tired and stressed out too. That combination makes it easy to start thinking our world is the world. Sometimes when we ask for help, we want it NOW - forgetting that others are living a different life and have their own commitments. Sometimes that makes a reasonable request seem unreasonable to someone living outside our care giving world.

Is your sister a good cook? Could you re-open communication in a more positive way by asking her to fix a meal? A casserole? A desert? Could your sister pick something up at a store for you? Please consider starting with some small request and telling her how much it helped when she does something. I find that the emotional "help" I get from someone doing some chore is often more helpful that the actual task.

God bless you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to TNtechie
Report

Perhaps your sister wants to remember your mother as she "was", not as she is now. Unfortunately, this leaves you to care for your mother on your own, and you're suffering from caregiver's burnout.
Are there any aunts, uncles, cousins, or friends you can reach out to?
When we were deciding whether or not to put my mom into a nursing facility, my siblings weren't willing or able to care for our mom. The only sibling willing to help lived overseas so he wasn't feasible.
However we were fortunate enough to afford a care facility. Are there any social programs that might be able to help?
In the end, when all is said and done, you will know you did all you could for your mother.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to StChaos
Report

Some people just emotionally are not able to caregive. I have two sibs like that, very excuse in the world. I had to change my attitude and expectations then realize that there was nothing I could say or do to change them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to gladimhere
Report

Peggy, I wish I had some suggestions, but I don't. I gave up on trying to get my sibling to help, and eventually accepted that for me it's better to know what is available or not than to hope that someone is going to change because my parent needs help.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to GardenArtist
Report

Related
Questions