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Long rant, but I need to get this out. One brother is angry his ex wife was invited...Even though she's been coming to see Mom for 20 years, never missed a birthday or holiday, visited Mom numerous times in the hospital (brother didn't visit Mom most of the times she was in the hospital), etc. Brother sent a scathing text the night of Mom's funeral saying we chose his ex over him. Instead of discussing it with his ex he tried to put us siblings in the middle by texting us saying if she goes to the gathering after the funeral he wouldn't go. She came, he left.


I like his ex, she is the mother of his kids, Mom liked her. This brother and his 2nd wife came to see Mom sporadically, only a handful of times in the 10 years I was taking care of her. She had more visitors the last month of her life than she had for the past 10 years combined and that really burns me and breaks my heart. I responded to his text and apologized to my brother if my actions hurt him. I also told him he should have discussed the situation with his ex. But now just silence and hard feelings.


Another brother's long term girlfriend broke up with him just before Mom passed. Now I'm in the middle of their drama...she sent our family a condolence card and sent me a separate one with a lovely note inside and a gift card to my favorite plant nursery. I debated about telling my brother because I didn't want to hurt him, but was trying to be open and not hide anything from my brother in case he were to find out later and feel betrayed. So I told him...he was so upset. He said she did it for "show". I felt she was sincere. Now do I send it back to make him feel better, or graciously accept it and send a thank you to her? Then I'll have 2 brothers who think I betrayed them? This brother was mom's POA so he did help with Mom in that regard. He's really hurting, losing Mom and his relationship so close. I feel so bad for him.


When does the drama end? It's been 2 weeks. I visit my Mom's grave almost daily and that gives me some peace. I still live in her home. People just walk in like they did when Mom was alive...it irritates me a tiny bit but I get it and it's cool most of the time. But sometimes I just want to sit here in the dark, quiet, think, remember Mom, hug my dogs, cry and try to heal. I apparently keep on hurting my brothers somehow and I don't mean to. I have other siblings that just never come around. Part of me just wants to hide from everyone. I try not to be bitter that they didn't help with Mom's care for 10 years. But I'm becoming bitter now about being dragged into their drama and instead of saying a peaceful farewell to Mom the wake, funeral and gathering were full of hard feelings, drama and arguing. I did not want to remember it this way. Mom deserved better. I just want to mourn the loss of my Mom, my best friend, my rock. To begin to heal. And I want to do it in peace. Thanks for "listening". Peace and blessings to you all.

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Dees, my heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.

Now regarding your brothers, how old are they, five years old? Your Mom was loved by so many people. And that is such a wonderful quality. I was BFF with my own ex-mother-in-law, so I know how it is, she was a sweetheart. I think it was nice that the ex girlfriend acknowledged your Mom's passing, that was so sweet of her.

Therefore shut the door on the drama, it's your bothers issues, not yours. You didn't do anything wrong. And don't let them make you feel like you did. Stand tall. You aren't hurting your brothers, they are hurting themselves with their spoiled attitudes.
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Thank you so very much. My Mom was such a wonderful and special person, my hero. I'm so lost when I come home from work now. She was really suffering though, and I know she is at peace. I can imagine she's disappointed at the goings-on at such a solemn occasion and I can just hear her saying sarcastically "fight nice, you guys"...something from our childhood that she said when we were arguing and being obnoxious. Sometimes I guess I just need a view from a different lens to see that I'm not always in the wrong. Thank you for your responses, I sincerely appreciate it.
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Dear Dees,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is certainly hard enough without more grief from our siblings. It sounds like you've done your absolute best for your mom and have tried to be sensitive to your brothers and their personal situations. There is really nothing more you could have done. And during this sad time you have a right to request they respect you and your space.

Thinking of you. Sending my thoughts and prayers.
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Regarding brother #1: He should have been able to be there with the ex there as well. For Heaven's sake, just AVOID each other. I was recently at a funeral and there was another guest in attendance whom I detest (and it's mutual, I'm quite sure). We just stayed away from each other. No one expected us to embrace and catch up on old times, and we most assuredly had little to say to each other. I did find out later that, at one point, we DID end up standing almost back to back and neither of us realized it. Even under the circumstances of what damaged our relationship, I am able to laugh at that!

Regarding brother #2: My opinion is that you can keep with gift card without feeling guilty. His breakup and his mom's death were sadly very close on the timeline, but that gift card was a gesture from the girlfriend to you and had nothing to do with your brother. His grief does not give him the right to control you.
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Im sorry for you loss . Lose a Mother you cared for for 10 yrs must be terrible . As for brother number 1.. sighs didn't you say the ex was the Mother of his Children. She did the right thing and your brother seems to be thinking of some old bad feelings rather then his kids. Shame on him. Brother number 2 .. well thats a bit harder. It must be still all very fresh to him . The recent break up etc. If she really liked your Mother though, i dont see why you shouldnt keep the gift card. I personally think its time for your brothers to grow up a bit
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I’m very sorry for your loss. Losing a mom you love so much is a special kind of loss and pain I know. As for the bothers, I mean brothers, or do I, ha, you have done no wrong. Both just want their own attention and pity, give them neither. My brothers brought drama to our mother’s funeral as well, I remember it as a truly awful day, largely due to their petty crap. I hope you’ll soon be able to focus on the good memories and tune out all else coming from others
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Dees, I am so sorry for your loss. The gift from former SIL? Keep it, send a thank you and let bro suck eggs. Does he really think he can control you and your friendships even if they are an exSIL?

Enjoy your friendships and the support from wherever you find it.
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Dees, my condolences... Regarding brother 1, I would have also invited his ex. Not only is she the mother of his kids, but your mom liked her. Ex was really nice to your mom for 20 years! Of course, she should be invited! .. My oldest sister ex is a jerk. I don't like him. When he was married to sis, I caught him at the store admiring me starting from my legs up to my face before he realized he was sexually admiring his SIL! Boy, did his face change to a normal face. That's when I got suspicious of him... Anyway, they got divorced. And he did a number on her, with her approval... I did not like him coming to either of my parents' funerals but .. he is my niece's father. I just had to suck it up, avoid him and forced to respond back when he spoke to me. I still avoid him when I see him in public places.

When my brother was dating, his young girlfriend helped me and my dad take care of my mom. She learned to change my mom's pampers, etc... She helped us with mom more than any of my brothers. And she wasn't even married to my brother, nor was she engaged to him. Yet, she was willing to help us with mom. When bro broke up with her, I continued my friendship with her. (P.S... she was so grateful to have learned caregiving with mom. She knew what to do when her husband's mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer.)

As for Bro 2, I would accept the condolence note and the gift card from his ex. Just because she broke up with your brother doesn't mean you automatically should also. There's no need to 'confess' to your brother that his ex gave you a card/gift. It's none of his business because ex gave it to you specifically. To me, that means she truly appreciated the one person who truly was there for your mom. You. And she was gifting you this. Accept it for what it is. You've earned it. {{HUGS}}
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What's that saying "not my rodeo". Your brothers are acting immature, that is not your problem. #1 is probably feeling guilty and realizes the ex did more for his Mom than he did. Getting upset was not fair to his now wife. #2, its hindsight I know, but I wouldn't have told him the wound is too fresh. Apologize, you did nothing wrong. Keep the giftcard. Returning it would only cause hard feelings. If you feel you can't use it now give it to some who will enjoy it or buy something in memory of Mom and plant it in your yard. I have a feeling you are the peacemaker in the family. Or the one who doesn't like confrontation. Me its confrontation. You don't need to get involved in their drama. Tell them that. They are grown men. Now people walking into the house...was it left to you? Who is executor to the will? You need to speak up. Ask that they call before they come over because you may not want company at that time. Stand up for yourself.
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You’ll have to make effort to get peace. Stop responding to the dramas, mind games and irrationality. Phones have ways of blocking people who are harassing you. Also, put your name on the mailbox. YOUR name. Lock the front door. Or change every lock in the house and keep all keys hidden. Send all concerned a text, signing out. Your  job is done.
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