I have become a caregiver overnight and I find it very difficult at times and have guilt and at a loss and confusion feelings most of the time and feel extremely inadequate to care for my Mother as she should. I have to give thanks to God for allowing me to be with Mom these past 4 years. We got to know one another in such a way that we never have before. We know what the other is thinking before anything is said. Right now is Christmas and we were always the ones that made sure we all got together, have enough food, presents, decorations, etc. My Mommy is under hospice care and at home. I wasn't going to decorate this year, but decided that she would want me to, so I purchased a small tree and decorated it. I'm having the family over and I feel guilty to think that everyone will be here to "supposedly have fun". I doubt this will happen as I know we will all feel guilty, but I also know that my Mom does want us to make the best of it and have fun. I would like very much to do something to include her, but find it difficult since she's bed-ridden and in addition to her regular ailments (cancer, COPD, heart issues, etc.), she now also has a throat infection and ulcers inside her entire mouth, making it very difficult to swallow and breathe. It pains me to see her this way and it frustrates me that there's nothing anyone will do to make things better. I know hospice is here to make her comfortable, but I don't believe (or perhaps don't want to believe), that she is ready to go and if some of her symptoms, particularly the immediate ones are taken care of, she might not be so darn uncomfortable and in pain.

I guess I just don't know what's the right thing to do, my brother wants to take her to emergency, I want to have her at home as I feel she would want to during this time. Is that selfish of me? Am I not caring for her as I should? I don't really think a solution is what I need, I just find it very hard to voice how I'm feeling to my siblings. I'm the primary caregiver so 80% of the time I am with her, but when others get involved, they make me feel as if I'm doing a bad job at watching over her. Perhaps I'm over sensitive, perhaps I feel guilty, perhaps I agree with them... I don't know. I see her pretty smile on this picture on my profile and miss our times together so much. We used to do things like go to the casino and not tell anyone because they would give her such a hard time, but it was a time of relaxation and a way to simply forget all her ailments. I miss watching her play, watching her win, i miss her smile. She still with us and I haven't seen that smile in a while. That would be a great Christmas gift for me.

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