My parents currently live with my husband and me. My dad has lived with us for 4 1/2 years and my mother has lived with us for 14 months. After my dad was living with us for about 3 years, I asked my mother to start giving us $100 per month. Then when she moved in, I told her she needed to give us more. Now they give us $200/month. I use their debit card to purchase things that only they use, but we pay for everything else. They do not feel they cost us any more than the $200/month they give us. I figured out all our household expenses (gas, electric, water, property taxes, homeowners insurance, food, etc.) and figured out that each person in the household costs $561.50. I want my parents to start giving us $1100/month. They feel that is excessive and don't want to give it to us. They still have their house - my mother goes there every day to pay her bills, go through paperwork, eat lunch and nap. She does not want to empty it and sell it. Their income is $3300/month - 2 social security checks and a tiny pension check. My husband is retired and only has social security. He does work a part-time job delivering pizzas. He is home with my parents all day. I work full-time but don't make a ton of money. After caring for them for all this time with such little compensation, we are really struggling financially, not to mention emotionally. There is no way they could live in an AL facility for $1100/month and get the kind of care they get living with us. Are we unreasonable to want them to give us more money?

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I’ll give you the accountants’ answer, which might be helpful in your arguments. Your parents are wanting a ‘marginal cost’ rent. That is for the ‘margin’ or extra cost to you, over and above what your costs would be anyway. You want a full ‘share’ cost – all the costs divided by the number of people. This costing argument comes up in business all the time. The Sales Manager wants to sell just a bit more at less than the normal price, because you can squeeze it out of the machines and a bit of extra profit will be good. The Factory Manager doesn’t want the hassle of building more units at less than total cost, and says it will undercut the normal price and annoy the customers who are paying full price.

You might want to look at a compromise. ‘Marginal cost’ (just the extra power bills etc) is not a good idea – all that extra stress for nothing. Full ‘share’ cost seems a lot to them, mostly because they are still meeting fixed costs for their own house. They are probably pointing out that if they decide to leave, you will be out of pocket because you still have to pay the fixed costs without getting their share. However they are getting very little value from their own house – something like having their cake and eating it too. You can reasonably say that if they want to ‘waste’ money on an extra house, that is their problem and they should pay for it themselves.

The other complicating factor is the care services you are providing. You haven’t given any details, but you need to put a figure on them separate from rent. Cooking? Shopping? Laundry? Transport? See if you can break down the local AL charge between apartment rent and service charge. That gets added onto your compromise rent.

This is a bargaining situation. You need to work out what charge will make it worthwhile putting up with the stress. They need to work out whether they are willing to pay the charge you want. Good luck!
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Where in Gods name could the parents live for that low amount?
They are moochers, I live with my son and his wife, have my own space, am independent except for transporting to doctors. They are loving and concerned. I give my total so check to my son, ( 1400) a month, he gives me a
generous allowance with a debit card of my own.
I am so grateful, it’s time for a reality check, why are they still using their home? Taxes, utilities, no way!
The stress you are enduring is not worth taking care of parents that are not grateful and at least paying their own way, never mind using your frugal means to pad their income.
This is not a matter of abuse on your side, they are abusing you. You need intervention to explain the situation to them. Good luck!
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Jannner Apr 2019
your comment gives me encouragement. My mother is a narcissist and so hard to deal with it’s so nice to see a parent who realizes his kids have value too. Thanks for helping me see everyone isn’t like the op and my parents 😊
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Why did you care for Dad and Mom got to stay in her house? And why now does she live with you and go back to her house? I think its time for Mom to sell the house and Move her and Dad into an AL. Your husband should be enjoying his retirement not taking care of in-laws.

Yes, parents should be paying something but Mom is still paying taxes and upkeep on her house. So I think 1000 is a little steep. Actually, Mom got away cheap at 100 a month.
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Tell your mother you will not be able to have either of them in your home since you cannot afford the bills, etc. Help them find an assisted living apartment close by. If your mother refuses to sell the house even then, that will be upto her. Send your Dad back to live at the house.

Accept the burden of the new bathroom, rent the basement out for a year to recoup your expenses. You can only be a good daughter for so long without it affecting your own health. It seems like your Mum is used to getting what she wants when she wants it. But you have your own life and family to think of and put first at this point. You can still be a good daughter from afar.
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I would find a good housekeeper/aid and move them back to their own home.

No wonder no one can deal with mom, she is a classic narcissist and you do not have to give them a relatively free place to live.

Forget about getting paid, get them out, she will only get worse and if it's hard now imagine her believing that she is the mistress of your house.

So, in home care, they pay for and you visit when you choose.

You are a grown woman and the time of her telling you how to live your life has long since passed. Get her out, should be easy, load everything up when she goes home for the day and make a delivery while someone is at your house re-keying locks.

Sometimes dealing with this type of person it requires extreme measures and it sounds like you are there.
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I like your common sense spunk Isthisreallyreal.
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I think your calculations are spot on. They are enjoying the use of a very expensive asset and should pay their share of the taxes and maintenance of it, not just the 'consumables' like water and electric.

And that doesn't even touch on the free labor you are undoubtedly providing.

Have them figure out what it would cost to go back and live in their own home and hire help from an agency to come in and do what they need.

It's your house. It's your choice if you want to make a gift of your time and your space. Decide what you would like to have happen, (do you want them to pay more? if so, definitely get this in a legal agreement! do you want them to move out?) then call a family meeting and make a plan.

After all... you could just put your house up for sale and MOVE. Then what would they do?
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TaylorUK Apr 2019
In the UK you wouldn't be able to sell your own house which by caring for a relative creates a problem of its own. What is clear from answers on here is that this trying to be dutiful is NOT a successful way of dealing with elderly people in need of some support but not needing to be in care full time.
My mom lives with hubs and I, and she and dad moved in about 5 years ago when she got ill and his ALZ got to be too much to handle. Dad passed after about a year and half, with some home care on the days Hubs and I worked so Mom was not overwhelmed. She is still with us, and we have a sort of flexible situation. She pays the electric and Dish TV bills as they went up when they moved in, and gives us grocery money and gas money fairly often, as we drive her everywhere. She also often askes if "we need any money",, we say no.. but she has helped out with some home repairs. She will likely never be in a position to need aid, for which we are lucky.So I would say she gives us about 800 to 1000 a month. And dads month at MC was 6500,, so she knows she is getting off cheap! Plus we take her on vacations ( with our Aunt as well)This works out well for us at this time. I agree you need more than 200 a month!
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Robin, my understanding is that your financial situation has changed since your husband was forced to retire early. You can no longer afford the costs of maintaining your home regardless of whether your parents live there or not. This is why you need them to pay their share of the total costs, not just the additional expenses.

If my understanding is correct, perhaps you need to explain to your mother that you and your husband are now faced with a difficult financial decision. You may need to decide to sell your home and find something less expensive just for the two of you. Another option would be for your parents to contribute their share of the total living expenses. This way you are making adult financial decisions and not asking for a bail out. Give them a deadline, they would need to be out before the house goes on the market.
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Your mother is not going to give you more money just because you ask.
Forget about the facts and figures.
You can charge whatever you like just like she can pay whatever she likes if you are willing to put up with it.

So far she wins because you put up with it.

You have not given her a compelling reason to give you more money.

For her, a compelling reason is because she HAS to give you money or else something worse will happen. Something will cost her more.

Something like you are going to move or you are going to evict her/them. Some threat that is here and now.

She is saving her money for her old age. For when she has worked you and your husband into the ground and wants to make sure she can still take care of herself.

Since you mention that she goes home and pays her bills, I assume that means that dad has never in the near five years, changed his address?

I suppose that their SS checks and pension (whose pension is it anyway? ) are directly deposited into an account where the statement goes to next door?

Could you even prove (on paper) that they live with you?

On paper it probably looks like she’s a very nice mother who gives you $200 each month out of the kindness of her heart.

I think you need an attorney.

Your mother holds all the cards. If she were giving you the money you requested, without a legal document, it would look like gifting. Gifting could keep them from being eligible for Medicaid. They will have an event that requires greater care. The proper documents could protect you and them.

And they can pay for the attorney.

They go home, you don’t need an attorney. They are the ones with the problem. They are the ones asking for help and deciding what your time is worth. What your life is worth.

You and your husband are the ones allowing it to happen.

Are you on the bank account? Are you in the will? Do you have a financial or medical POA for either of them? What visible signs do you have to show that she values your and your family’s sacrifice?
Personally I wouldn’t want her to sell her house. I would want her in it.

Robin. The tail is wagging the dog. Your parents need help. This is their responsibility. Not yours. Why else would they be living in your home if theirs sits next door?! They must pay their own way.

I’m just being silly here but what if you just went to her house each evening? Ate her food, took your bath, did your laundry, watched a little tv and went to bed? Less crowded over there. A little quieter. Next morning get up and have breakfast for one or you could invite hubby over. Oh and be sure to let her know that you are out of eggs so she can pick some up for you.
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You are absolutely correct in your answer!!!
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First of all, I made a mistake when I first created my profile. I am 59 years. My father is 91 (almost 92) and my mother is 86. I would like to answer the question of why father has lived with us for 4 1/2 years and my mother just started living with us. Four and a half years ago, my dad had a knee replacement. Following the surgery he was in rehab for a month. Three days before he was scheduled to be released, my mother told me that she was having cataract surgery and he could not come home for six weeks. I had 72 hours to get our house handicapped accessible. Then she decided to have the other eye done before the year ran out, as long as she had met her deductible. That was another six week recovery. When the twelve weeks was over, she told me she liked living alone and I should keep my father at our house permanently. My parents have never gotten along so it was probably the best thing for my dad. My husband was working at the time and money was OK so I did not ask for any kind of reimbursement. We bought all his groceries, over the counter meds, treats like ice cream, going out to eat, etc. A couple of years later, my husband lost his job and was forced to retire. He began collecting SS at a reduced rate, since he was only 64. It was at that point that I started using my dad's debit card to purchase items that only he consumed. A year later, I asked my mother to please give us something to reimburse us for him living with us. She would only agree to $100 per month. I figured something was better than nothing.

Then she began to pressure us to let her move in. She said they would sell their house, we would combine households and they would give us a lot more money. We really did not want to do this as no one in the family (especially me) gets along with her. But, in a moment of feeling sorry for her, we gave in. We got several bids and eventually contacted a construction company and began having a bathroom installed in our basement. The plan was to make a living area/bedroom for her in the basement with a nice ADA compliant bathroom. In the middle of the construction she changed her mind and said she did not want to live with us. We were stuck finishing a bathroom that we did not need or want. My husband was insistent that she pay for it which she was extremely unhappy about. She pulled money out of a retirement account to pay us back. Now, she keeps throwing the fact that she paid for this bathroom and increased the value of our house. Even though I remind her that she wanted it and she changed her mind in the middle of the construction, she will not stop talking about it. That is the reason she won't give us any more money. But I figured out how much money they owe us at $500/month for the past 4 1/2 years for my dad and $500/month for the past 14 months for my mother and deducted the cost of the bathroom from it. The bottom line is they owe us over $10,000 which I am not asking for. I just want $1100/month from this point on. I would even settle for $800. I do not think this is unreasonable since they have disrupted our lives totally. They did not adequately plan for their retirement and we are paying the price. We are both angry and resentful. They will not move out and they will not fork over any more money. There are no other family members other than our two adult children. They are also both angry and resentful at the problems they have caused us. I'm trying to be a good daughter, but at what price? The stress of living with my mother is horrible. Then having the financial stress just puts me over the top.
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Harpcat Apr 2019
Robin, you stated they didn’t plan and now you’re paying the price. You are paying the price because you are allowing it to happen. You do have a choice and you also have the doesn’t. You tell her the truth. That this arrangement is no longer manageable for you and your husband financially or emotionally. That you need to think of your retirement. You are now in the role of the parent basically and she’s needs to leave the cozy nest you’ve given her. Back up your feelings with a voice and action and stick to it. As you said it’s not your fault they didn’t plan well.
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