She is 80, has a little money, and is relatively healthy, but she’s mean, ungrateful, and totally self-involved

We took her into our home just a month ago from out of state, we thought her problems were just that she needed more attention- we were wrong, now unsure of what to do, she’s driving us insane!

My mom lived with me and my children for 5 years. Unfortunately, people with dementia are usually self-involved and can, indeed, be mean. With my mom, she was raised as an only child and was very used to getting a lot of attention and her own way, so she was like that for most of her life - the dementia just exacerbated it. When wandering around outside the home started, she had to be moved to a memory care facility and I have to say, it was a major relief. We had been arguing just about every day and she'd call everyone in the family to tell them how abused she was - and they believed her because they didn't see her very often and didn't know how bad the dementia had become.

In May, she will have been at her facility for 3 years. She gets plenty of attention, quarrels with the other residents, accuses everyone of stealing from her, and participates in the activities. She is no longer my problem to deal with on a daily basis and our relationship, as well as the entire family's, has greatly improved. My advice? Get her into an assisted living situation before things get worse. She'll likely fight you about it, but stick to your guns.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to lablover64

Call your local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a "needs assessment". Ask them to help you find affordable housing that will meet both her needs and her budget.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

If she’s capable of living independently you have a talk with her that the current arrangement isn’t working out and you help her find a place she can afford. If she’s not capable of living independently you start looking for what she can afford in terms of assisted living options, having the same talk that the current living arrangement isn’t working out. You don’t owe any big explanation or excuses, just that you want to help her find the best place for her and do what’s best for your own family at the same time
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Reply to Daughterof1930

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