How do you explain putting a loved one in long term care during COVID-19 when you can’t be with them to break the news?

When people are so ill mentally or physically, we often can't take care of them and we have no choice but to place them. People like this will never get better and they will not listen too what they are told to do. Don't even try. Place them where they are safe and cared for and you must learn to accept that and start taking care of yourself so you don't get destroyed in the process. Don't try to explain what they can't comprehend. It does no good for anyone.

Yes, some 92 year old people can read and even write very well. They are rare. My Grandma could read and write well even at 96. However, demented people cannot read or write well whatever their age.Even when they can communicate verbally though not competently, they cannot read or write.Age alone des not cause dementia. dementia does always cause loss of reading and writing abilities; sometimes very slowly and or sometimes rapidly.

Imho, explain to him with tenderness that he is home. Prayers sent.

I am in the same place with my Mom. 18 months in AL, then pneumonia and a week in hospital, 1 month in rehab and we watched her mental state go downhill. She stayed in SNC for 5 months and we were recommended to move her to memory care.

While she was in SNC she kept asking why she was there. I told her the governor had ordered it which seemed to satisfy her. Last week we moved her to a wonderful MC and she asked the same question. This time I told her it was a better place for her and they would take better care of her.

My Dad went into Rehab, from the hospital, the day before they lockdowned. Every time he asked to come home, we told him he couldn’t until the virus was taken care of - it was just too dangerous. It’s been 6 months, so far so good.

My 92 year old Covid survivor shocked me the other day by reading (and comprehending!) a warning notice on her walker.

My rule, and I stick by it, is to convey messages that are short, simple, and encourage safety, peace and comfort.

As has been mentioned in this thread, and frequently elsewhere, LO’s who do NOT ask about “going home” are distinctly in the minority. Frequently the request is to return to another time/place/memory rather than the “home” from which LO has just departed.

I think in this situation, “kindest” might be to allow the professional staff to shoulder the burden of communication for the time being. I think your brother is on the right track.

In my extensive experience, I have always seen the ability to read and write as the first activity to be impaired and then lost; even before the ability to think and remember.Dementia affects reading and writing right away and gets worse and worse.

Loopy Lou is so right. Constant moving would be horrible for anyone seriously impaired mentally and or physically. it could be delightful for a very few very well very old people.I have seen very amicable happy arrangements for one large family with a now 94 year old grandma. She is still very mentally healthy and fairly healthy physically.She enjoys her family and they enjoy her. However, the older person well enough to enjoy constant moving is rare indeed. For a seriously mentally impaired person it would be agonizing.

can He still read/comprehend what he is reading? we have found that writing up scripts/explanations has helped FIL because that way he can keep re-reading it. Even when we could visit we did this because his short term memory is so bad that he couldn’t remember. So we would write something up that says “The doctors believe, and we agree, that the safest place for you to live right now is the care facility you are living in right now. You are not strong enough to walk safely, to get to the restroom in your own, etc. we are not strong enough to help you. So the doctors said this is where you need to be right now to help you recover your strength. We will call daily and visit as the facility allows. There is a really bad virus right now that thousands of people have contracted and died from like the Spanish Flu. So they are restricting visitation as it moves through communities. Churches are closed, people are working from home, and aren’t allowed to go out much due to the virus. BUT when it’s safe to do so we’ll be there. In the meantime we are SO THANKFUL you have such a nice and safe place to live where they can take care of you. We love you.” Print it in big print and maybe laminate it to protect it. I can’t tell you how much these papers help my FIL.

I found with my mother, who has dementia, it was better not to try to "prepare" her for a change. It just caused anxiety. I'm not sure if your father understands about the pandemic, but if he does, one approach may be to tell him that assisted living can keep him safer for now and can provide the extra care for him that you can't currently provide.

My sincere sympathies. I have been able to visit my very ill daughter in her assisted l facility. We communicate through a window with the help of technology. Does not your facility provide this service?

With the dementia and poor mobility you will not be able to care for him properly the way the nursing home can. We are going thru this with my mother in law. We have paranoina issues on top of the dementia so I am the only one that talks to her. (Hubby can't deal with it and only gets her more upset) I just sympathize with her and Change the subject to other things that are going on and eventually she will cheer up.

The best scenario, is to let your father return to his home snd use his money to pay for a Caregiver.

If that isn't possible then you Nd your siblings should allow him to live with you because he deffiently will be sad, depressed, lonely upset and feel unloved and unappreciated.
Not as safe and his life will be shortened.

Put yourself in his shoes, what would you want?

Sure it's inconvenience.....it was costly and inconvenient when you were born but you were loved and taken care of for 18 yrs.

It's time to do the same for Dad.

Matbe each sibling can share and have Dad live with them a few months out of each year or maybe everyone could chip in alomg with Dad's money and hire a Caregiver so he can stay in his own home.
Or, hire a LIVE IN which would be 1/3 the cost as 24 7 Care. Prayers ya'll make the best and right decision for your Dad.

Prayers

Don't wright now

Only until they clean up their act. Wait until people are able to get the vaccine and they can prove that they are safe for your loved one to come in to make sure they are following protocol. Remember over 6,000 seniors contracted the virus and died it was just terrible for ours loved one's and their families

I tend to agree with your brother. I would, if there is a lot of dementia, just keep putting it off in phone calls, and explain to him that he still needs a lot of care according to the doctor, and the world is still to dangerous with the "spanish flu like epidemic" so for now this is how it has to be. Kind of play it by ear. I think even a really good explanation may be soon forgotten.

You can tell him he is home now, but it'll take him a little while to grasp that.

Use the resources at the facility. They'll help you with the conversation and will likely tell you that after a week or so of being told he is home now he'll stop asking.