How do we handle days like this?

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How do we handle days like this?

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It has been one of those days. I woke this morning. I bought my mother a coffee maker because she has been asking for one. I saw her busy at the machine, so let her be. I like it when she does what she can. She was only making two cups of coffee, but she filled the filter with enough coffee for a big pot. She ran some more water through trying to get the coffee dilute. It was an awful mess. We talked about how much coffee to use. No problem, really. I know it was a challenge for her. I told her I didn't want any coffee and she asked me why in the world I had bought the pot if I wasn't going to drink coffee?

She didn't go back to bed -- understandable with that strong coffee! :-D She wanted to talk. It was the most confusing talk that was twisting my head about as I was trying to get things done. At lunchtime I planned on having some Italian pasta that was leftover from dinner. I searched the refrigerator, but it was nowhere in sight. I asked about it and she said she'd thrown it in the yard for the birds. She said she didn't want me to try to serve it again, and never to buy it again. I looked outside and there it was -- noodles and Italian sausage in tomato sauce sitting in bits in the front yard. I prayed some stray dog would find it and clean it up. But no problem, really. Things like this happen in the world of dementia.

Then she was looking outside and decided our neighbors had turned their water drain spouts to send water into our yard. She said she was going to talk with them and didn't care what they thought. Our neighbors are sweet people. I assured Mom that they hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't listen. She called someone and started crying about what these neighbors were doing to her yard. Sigh. I see an obsessive problem brewing. She wouldn't stop talking about it. I told her a good solution would be to move. No, she said. This was her house, and yada yada.

I had enough of the day and retreated to my room. Fortunately, I had an order that I had to fill that distracted me. It had rained steadily all day, so I hadn't been able to get out for a walk. It was kind of nice to head to the post office. I talked to the clerk there. The normal conversation was so refreshing. My mind can end up feeling so twisted that things can start to seem like all confusion after a while. How do we cope with such confusion?

Burnout

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Mom and I were watching the same shows together until about a month ago. I said to myself: I can and will change this insanity. No, mom doesn't want a TV in her own bedroom since she's terrified of being alone
Even though I don't own a big house, and her room is about 12 feet away from the living room............I'm not veering off topic I hope....ah, ok, so I picked shows that are light, fun, easy to follow.
No more complicated wno is this, why did he say that, where are they........interruptions about 29,000 times per show
Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Now, show starts and I walk off
My bedroom is my decompression room
I just need a little fridge and a microwave and I will be set. Haha! Uuuggghhh, I also think, what was it like when I was a child and mom cared for me??? I have never been told or even hinted by mom thst I was a nuisance.
Guilt trip.....When is the next bus?...
M88.

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My mother has been so crazy these last few days that I don't know what I'm going to do. Someone with vascular dementia is different than someone with Alz. My mother does not accept that anything is wrong with her. Anything that she can't find or doesn't work must be my fault. My whole purpose of life on earth is to cater to her. She is going back and forth between a child and an angry woman. An example -- this afternoon she washed her own sheets. She couldn't find her sheets, so I got them for her. Then she asked about pillow cases. She saw the ones on my bed and got really mad that I had taken her pillow cases. I told her they were mine -- I had bought my linens myself. She said no they weren't. They were hers. She was so angry and I'm thinking WTF they're just pillow cases. She slammed her bedroom door. I went in to point out her pillow cases, but she insisted those weren't the right ones. The right ones were on my bed. I told her she was welcomed to them, but I would have to buy more. And while she was at it, she might as well make my computer and clothes hers, too.

So she finds her pillow cases and retreats into her little girl act. She is so sorry. It reminds me of an old movie where an old woman plays like a little girl. Is it a Bette Davis movie.

Well, things blew up again at dinner. If I say anything to her, she'll say I'm fussing at her and Daddy never fussed at her. No one ever fussed at her. She treats me like I'm such a bad person. This dementia thing makes us so helpless. We are told not to react, but it is like being beat without being able to defend yourself. It feels absolutely evil at times.

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Maria, my mom got to the extent of calling me every time she wanted to change the t.v. channel. I was working full time. The agony on her face of having to be on her own when I was just about to go got the best of me, discussed with hubby and job allowed me to do part time job.
Still, 2yrs later it was worse, did the math, and equally in $$$ if I worked and hired home care, or not.
So....I quit my job. We're managing funds, we just don't eat out.
So... mom didn't get the concept that I am here now and not going to work for about a year. Meanwhile, asking if I am late for work, or sick, or ???
Then, she caught on, and won't let me go anywhere.
Right, you can say, I am back to beign 5 yrs.old.
I'm sandwiched between a husband and a mom. Glad there are no children. It would be a problem.
Anyway Maria, it kills us to say "no" to mami, but we're going to have to.
Anyone who wants to blog in Spanish, I am game. Not sure if there's any rules in place, or who to contact/moderator?
Keep up the good work everyone!
M88

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If you all want to laugh i work in a senior environment for the last 14 years...sometimes i would refer caregivers to to caregiving counseling....i had no idea what they were going through till now... ive been caregiving for quite a while but im realzing now it might not get better and im feeling the effects.... on a funny and hopeful note i read black strap molasess gets rid of grey hair..one teaspoon a day...just bought some...so its worth a try... these little things keep me rolling with the punches...

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Thanks, Jessie - I keep a tablet at my bedside - it's my alarm clock and I use it to read ebooks. I was one of those "no ebooks for me!" people when they first came out, but then I discovered that I could get FREE ebooks.....I now have a library of over 2,000 ebooks on my tablet - most of them were free.

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Hi Joann, What you said is my true sentiment...i love her but..... She calls me on my cell, but at work its frustrating, makes me angry and/or sad when she is demanding something or in pain...i want to care for her, but i have to work so my heart and my mind are in two different places. Im supprised people at work dont think im a mess, but i pull it off. Ive thought maybe she has early signs of dementia, but she is fairly sharp, maybe shes lonely, maybe her body is slowing down while her mind is still ready to go. She has not slept well for years becacse her mouth is hot at night and its painful. She has bms...funny enough she complained about her burning mouth around 60 years old, had cancer...had treatment and stopped complaining...she was recently treated for cancer again at 78 and her claims it had eased up sufficiently...anyways ive told her i wont answer her calls at work...i have to work on not listening to her messages when im at work also..thanks for you advice.

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If you ever decide to go that route, Susan, I hear the Kindles are fairly simple. There's a lot of free books for Kindle, which makes them even nicer. My SIL loves her Kindle. I'm not much of a reader myself. I prefer the old paper books when I do read. It seems more relaxed to me. I already stare at a computer screen all the time, so the paper is a nice break.

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JoAnn, that's an ingenious idea! You're right, it's like a Diaper Genie. You know, I think they do make those for adult diapers, but you've already got a system - why pay more?

Jessie - I think we should all be glad that our LO's don't use the computer or cell phone (some still might!). My mom wouldn't know the first thing to do with either one. I've contemplated getting her a tablet so she could read ebooks in the NH, but my concern is that, 1) it would get dropped and broken, or 2) she simply wouldn't understand how to use it, no matter how simple it was.
There's a man in the NH that sits in the hall in his wheelchair all the time, or in the lobby (his choice, he's not just dumped there), and he has a tablet in his lap at all times, playing country music.

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I've been taking the plastic the newspapers come in and use them for diapers. Long enough to put a folded up diaper in, tie off, another diaper tie off. Cuts down on smells. It made me think of a diaper genie. Think I would go this way if Mom starts using a number of diapers a day.

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Maria, does ur Mom have Dementia? If so, call ur Office of the aging and Medicaid to see if she qualifies for assistance. Personally, I would nevergive a parent my work number that u know would abuse it. Employers can be only so sympathetic. My husband and my children knew it better be something important to call me at work. You need to try and exxplain that her constant harrassment will lose you your job. That her constantly being at u is causing health problems. You love her but ur an adult holding downa job. You r entitled to time to yourself. Medicaid, if she qualifies, will pay for Adult Daycare. The daycare here transport, gives lunch and dinner, and shower.

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I got 'packages' to take home, with a long explanatory note attached. Painstakingly wrapped in the middle of the night, layer upon layer upon layer upon layer of newspaper, tissue paper, plastic grocery bags, all wrapping up a mini-bottle of shampoo, or pair of nylon knee highs.... awww....well, it kept mom busy, anyway, godblessher.

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Shira42, With a husband with dementia and Parkinsons, you still get COMPANY?
We got very little company as time went on, once I got rid of the scam artists and door-to-door salesmen, the friends and relatives just evaporated. And if anyone DID drop in, I considered it a fortunate day when there wasn't a big stinking trash can full of used Depends sitting in the kitchen waiting to go out.

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Jessebelle....what you said was funny and so true....u made me laugh with a few tears in my eyes

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There are days..............mom just dumped my brand new (new variety, pricy splurge for myself) bottle of salad dressing down the sink. No reason. These small things add up..............Things disappear. I find silverware in the garbage. My kitchen sink is suddenly stopped up. Tiny folded bits of toilet paper all over the house. Sticky everything. Water left running in bathroom. Yesterday I found her eating a canister of parmesan cheese with a spoon. Nothing is frig is clean or "safe."
All little things............................

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This makes me glad my mother doesn't want to use a cell phone or computer. In fact, I can't get her to take my cell phone number seriously. She tells me that she doesn't need it. Of course, I know that it is actually the only number she needs if I'm not at home and something happens.

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My mom said she was making something to eat for herself. I told her i would run an get a pop..and after she ate i would reach her the computer. She left me a message screamung why was i taking so long...she leaves me messages like this often and at work too.... i am starting to have a tight chest and trouble breathing..... i know no one can bettet the situation but its taking a physical tole....

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I still haven't learned its just easier not to try and explain. Mom needs help in the bathroom. Have told her to call me when she needs to go. I'm just getting out of the shower when she hollers up to me. Get dressed fast, I heard the toilet flush. Got downstairs and she is standing outside the bathroom. She had gone by herself. Asked her why she was calling me if she was done, "because you told me to call you". Yeah, before u go not after. I then tried to explain whyI needed her to call. Waste of time and energy.

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Different things bother different people. My husband has Parkinsons and dementia. He spills a lot on the counter and on the floor. Everytime I come into the kitchen, the counter is sticky. Deb said she wants to enjoy herself and not have to cut someone's food. I WANT to cut my husband's food, especially when eating out with others around, so he doesn't have to bite off a big piece and maybe spill things. But I get so frustrated when I come into the kitchen and stuff is stuck on the counter because he put a book or pamphlet on a sticky place and now it won't come off. I have gotten used to it when we're alone, which is most of the time, but when company is expected it really upsets me. I know he can't help it and I don't want to make him feel bad, but sometimes I'm not as kind as I want to be.

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Both of my parents had dementia (dad just passed) and I have learned just to agree and try to change the subject as quickly as I could. You do need someone to talk to and breaks now and then. Our hearts go out to you because we know the frustration and patience it takes to handle this horrid disease.

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Jessie, would your brother be able to give you a two week break? It sounds as though your mom would accept him, even if she would accept "outsiders".

About the "it's the rule"...it has occured to me that I'm able to tell ( not ask) my mom what's going to happen since i had the good example that she set as HER mother aged. It was clear that my mom and her sister knew what was best for grandma, and although going to rehab, having a lady come in to shower her, etc., were not things that grandma wanted to do, mom would say "i can't care for you unless you cooperate and do this".

We really have to make the rules, and not ask permission...because those rules are enables us not feel like we're going mad.

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My mom's medications are a very sore subject. She's very grateful "now", that slowly but surely I am in complete control of them.
How do you manage her meds? What has been tried and true in your case? Should I open a brand new thread for this topic or does anyone else recall this issue?
Tag! You're it!

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I have trouble getting long times of respite. My mother thinks there is nothing wrong with her, so I should be able to take off for a week or two. She tells me to just set the medications up for her and she'll take them. She won't go anywhere and won't let anyone come in. I could go and just leave her to her own devices, as she mentioned, but I know better. It would be like leaving a child home and hoping for the best. Maybe it would be okay, but maybe it wouldn't. And lord knows what she would do with her medication!! It is hard to keep her on track even with me here.

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Thank you JoAnn; I will discuss this with my husband.
It sure would be wonderful to get away.

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Oh Jessie!
Make sure you share mom's comment with your brother. Just don't have anything in your mouth that will fly off like a projectile, hehehehe. Gotta laugh....crying is NOT an option! :) ;) ♡ + ♡ = AC = Aging Care!

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We had a cute capper to the end of the day. My mother was talking about my brother and said that if she ever got to the point where she needed someone to care for her, she knew he would step up. Glad I didn't have a mouth full of coffee when she said that. I would have still been cleaning it off the carpet.

They can say the darnedest things. :-D

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Hallucinations...My Mom gets TV, dreams and reality mixed up. I don't turn on News or anything with violence. The old Emergency show has upset her. She thinks vthe explosions and fires are really happening.

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DebinOhio, I will assume MIL has SS. Maybe a little pension? Find a care facility that has respite care. Take her money and pay for a week and get away. We r doing it in Oct for my nieces wedding. Its a 7 hour drive and a two night stay. Not taking Mom who has incontinence problems and can't stay in one place more than an hour. I want to enjoy myself not have to cut someones food.

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It wouldn't be so bad if she was a cheerful person, or at least a
well rounded person; she drains all my energy.
My marriage has been on the shelf, along with my joy.
I wish for a good change.
I pray to God to have her kids pitch in.

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Oops -- she contradicted everything coming out of my mouth. (She did it so well that I didn't have to do it. :-)

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I don't know how we do it? We deserve medals -- a purple heart for most days and a silver star for others. Today has been a purple heart day. My mother had her pitchfork out and kept poking me with it. I contradicted everything coming out of my mouth and tried to pick arguments. I took the afternoon off and went to the senior center. I was playing cards with 3 older men (70-80s). Their talk buzzed in my head like so much noise. I think I'm losing it -- too much stress and worry. It's starting to feel like I'm getting dementia. For sure I have attention deficit disorder that just came on these last few years.

I think someone ought to put a new rule in place that after someone is diagnosed with dementia, then one person can only stay with them 2 years before they have to rotate off... and they have to have one day break each week. Sounds like a great new rule. It would be handy, too. If you want to put your LO in AS or a NH, then all you have to say is "It's the rule." No guilt or blame involved.

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