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My spouse cannot go to the bathroom which means all day and all night I have to be available to help with bathroom issues. She is 83 years old and is confined to a recliner 24/7. She had a minor surgical procedure the last month. Since this procedure she is weaker and more dependent. She fell about a week ago and is now afraid of falling again. I have difficulty with my lower back and continual pain. It seems that she becomes more dependent and less patient. I don't ever have time for myself. I really am tired and it seems that nothing is going to change.

Can you ask the doctor if she qualifies for hospice? You need help. You don’t have to kill yourself to keep her alive. Please start exploring care homes for her. There are some fine ones out there.
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Reply to Fawnby
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For about 9 months my husband who had vascular dementia and was very incontinent, was having to go to the bathroom every hour on the hour, and because he was also very unsteady on his feet, meant that I had to help him to the bathroom and also meant that neither of us got any sleep for that period. I would often use a plastic urinal over night so he wouldn't have to get up, and eventually it got to the point as I couldn't take the lack of sleep anymore that I told him that after midnight he couldn't get up until 3:00 a.m. and he would just have to pee in his Depends. So I would set my alarm, and of course he would be soaked so I would then have to change him and reset the alarm for 6:00 a.m. and once again change his soaked diaper. And of course after that we were back to every hour that he wanted to pee in the toilet.
After trying all the major bladder spasms medications, having Botox put in his bladder, and none of that working, it was finally decided by his urologist to put in a supra pubic catheter(a permanent one)which was such a Godsend as we were finally after 9 months able to sleep through the night, and all I had to do was empty his catheter bag once in the morning and once at night.
2 months later my husband developed aspiration pneumonia, sepsis and septic shock and almost died. After returning home from the hospital, he was completely bedridden in our living room, where I kept a bedside commode next to his hospital bed. I did have to hire an aide to get him out of the bed and put him on the commode so he could poop, and then she would hold him up so I could clean him up and put his diaper back on, and then she would get him back to bed. I was very fortunate that my husband 95% of the time was a morning pooper, so having the aide here during that time worked out well.
You may have to hire some outside help to come in to assist you, as I can tell you first hand that not getting proper sleep is very hard on not only you, but your spouse as well.
And make sure that you're getting sound advice from your spouses urologist and PCP as to what can best help them.
Best wishes.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Hi, I am taking care of my 88 yr old mother whose had multiple strokes..my 91 yr old father and i were up down all night every 2 hours to get her on potty..it was killing us!! We started using a wonderful machine called a Purewick!! It has been a godsend!!!
It uses a continous small suction throughout night and is connected to a small hotdog apparatus that she puts in her panties against her vulva. As she sleeps, she urinates and the urine is taken to a holding bottle which you empty in morning!
It is nothing short of a miracle !!!
The wands are expensive if bought directly from company $20 apiece, but Liberator, sells them for about $7 a piece, the machine runs about $400...
Good luck! This saved our lives!
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Reply to Graceland
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You hire in home help to relieve you. Your health and well-being is important too. What happens if you need hospitalization???

The Purewick system is a good one, as mentioned below. Replacement wands can be purchased on eBay for less.

Respite care is available at an Assisted Living Facility in your neighborhood where you can send your wife for a week or 2 while you rest and recuperate. Look into it.

Have a plan in place for long term care for your wife if she continues to decline.

Best of luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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13 yrs her senior or her Jr?

I would call her Dr concerning this minor surgery and tell him she is worse than before the surgery. That you are not able to do the physical caring of her. She needs to be as dependent as she can be.

Is she using a walker to get to the bathroom? If not she should be. Maybe ask Dr if he can make an order for in home PT and OT. The therapist can evaluate her and determine what her needs are. Maybe do some strength exercises. You should get an aide to bathe your wife. Make sure to ask and see what kind of hours you can get.

Medicare also has something called "intermittent care" that a member was able to get for her Aunt and Mother. Ask her doctor about it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Sendhelp Aug 11, 2022
"She needs to be as dependent as she can be."

JoAnn-I know you meant to say as "Independent" as she can be.

Maybe there is a computer glitch going on if it does not post as we meant to type it.

Good answer.

There is still time to change it, a total of 30 minutes.
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Please talk to her doctor. It appears she may need rehab to strengthen and increase her mobility, You also need to see a doctor to get that lower back pain evaluated and treated - PRONTO.
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Reply to Taarna
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Lyndon, welcome!

Is your wife mentally able to understand?

If yes, you need to tell her what you are feeling when she gets impatient with you.

If no, could it be time for her to go to a facility? Maybe, bringing in an aide to help her? Maybe, adult daycare?

I can't imagine the strain of working full-time and then having to come home to another full-time plus job. I think that's why we have children when we are young, because our old bodies can't deal with all of this without failing.

Have you encouraged your wife to do everything she can and to attempt things she thinks she can't do? She is at a dangerous point of losing what she isn't using and obviously, the situation isn't sustainable.

Be honest with her and yourself. Something has to give and it could easily be your own health. That wouldn't be good for either of you.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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She should be using a walker or some kind of support device if she is able to do so. This might help her feel more confident about moving around. Look into home health care aides to work some shifts during the week to give yourself a break. Her needs will increase with time and you may need more help or even facility placement in order to preserve your own health and sanity.
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Reply to RedVanAnnie
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Regarding the recliner, there are recliners that raise/lift the patient from the chair, allowing the caregiver to pivot the patient onto the portable commode. That’s an option.
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Reply to LoveLea
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lyndon3952: It is imperative that you seek respite. As your health continues to wane, you may have to consider managed care facility living for your spouse especially since you state "it seems that nothing is going to change." Or perhaps you can start with in home care.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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