I have 2 sons and they are not giving me the help I need. I'm pretty much alone in finding some kind of meaning to my life. I'd give anything to get this lump out of my throat and my stomach ache to go away? Any suggestions?
Brutal honesty here: My stomach aches and my mental health have improved greatly since my father died. I did not want him to die but once he was gone my moment-to-moment anxiety began to recede. I know this is no help to you. What I would say is that you must take the steps to save your mental health. Look for supportive therapy from a therapist who understands the issues you face.
According to your profile, your husband has dementia and lives in Skilled Nursing where you visit him frequently. What kind of help are you looking for from your sons that they're not giving you? Are you suffering from guilt for placing your DH and because he wants his old life back, which you cannot give him? That's normal for you to feel that way, but you have to remember the 3 Cs:
You didn't Cause this You can't Cure this, and You can't Control this.
Those 3 Cs originally pertained to Al Anon, a loved one living with an alcoholic and learning coping skills. But these 3 Cs are good to apply to your situation as well. Dh is cared for and safe, which is all you can do for him at this stage of disease. And continue to love him and visit, which you're already doing.
For you to find a purpose in life, you have to go out and find one. Volunteering is a great place to start, perhaps in a children's hospital reading to kids with cancer. Giving back to others gets us out of our own heads and feeling useful again as human beings. Even working at an animal shelter may give you a good feeling back again. Petting animals gives you unconditional love with no expectations from you in return.
If need be, get some therapy to help you carve out a path to your own healthy future now.
Regarding animals, my husband's niece fosters puppies and kittens until they are old enough to find permanent homes. If she can't take them, she doesn't have to.
Guessing you may have been happiest and felt that your life had meaning when you were caring for and raising your boys, and when you were involved with "normal" daily responsibilities of family life.
Regardless of your husband’s health the odds of this lasting would’ve been detrimental to your children’s growth and development. If you did a good job it was never meant to last.
Forgive me if I'm going down a wrong path here with my suggestions but maybe for starters you could feeling better by volunteering to be a Baby Cuddler at a hospital. Look it up, you may need to attend a brief orientation or get a quick certification. Or you can volunteer to tutor children to read at a library or through a church program. Volunteer as a meals on wheels delivery person. Be of service just for 3 hours a week. Take lessons to develop your gifts. Meet people. Set goals.
Take deep slow breaths now and again. I often forget to do that although I know it actually works. Maybe I'll get back to the breathing thing after several boxes of cookies over some weeks. Other times, for a few days I may remember to practice thinking peaceful gratitude for a few seconds first thing in the morning and last thing at night, again after a slow breath and I whisper "I am grateful". It's not a religious thing, maybe, but it works.
Most healing is being a cog in the machinery of giving, working with, accomplishing, helping, not watching TV, (being the one having a life rather than watching others having a made up life), that brings meaning to life.
Get something done for/by yourself - Because my husband takes a million years to eat a meal. After many years of making excuses why I had no time to exercise (because of him, dang it), I now have weights in the kitchen and do curls, other arm exercises and squats while I keep him company. If feels terrible but one day it won't.
You can't expect anyone but yourself to push you toward the promised land of fulfillment and happiness which only comes, for most people, from living a meaningful life. You are not at a dead end. We're all alone. Sometimes I feel so alone that it seems as though my heart is being squeezed inside a callous and mean fist. Often my mind takes a turn inside that fist.
Being alone, you have a great opportunity to finally find out your own honest-to-goodness direction that is not influenced by your circumstances or due to the dynamics of a family. By being alone what you become will be pure you. It’s truly painful right now but you know so much has been accomplished by loners, and pathfinders.
Your sons are not giving you help. Tell them you and their dad need help. Tell each son you need, say, every Saturday afternoon, and 3 hours every Wednesday night. Tell them you're sorry but it's critical to your health in order to be around to take care of their dad. Or hire help if you can.
Join a support group.
It happens that I have caregiver friends, one has two autistic middle aged sons, sadly the pearl of her life, her hilarious and sharp minded daughter, died of lupus and scleroderma 6 years ago. I admire this mom so much. Another caregiver friend still works, takes care of a husband suffering with Parkinson's and she visits her 96 year old mom almost every weekend. This is one classy lady.
By joining a support group, a good one, you become what you surround yourself with. If you surround yourself with eaters, you eat. If you surround yourself with valiant people, it buoys you, their courage is catching, you’re still whipped but you become heroic. And if you surround yourself with sorrow and defeat, you sink, and sink, and slowly, cripplingly, and in a self-abusing way you sink deeper.
Would you give anything to get this lump out of your throat? Make a stand for yourself. Nothing is easy but I guarantee you with each step you evolve into a new and improved creature that'll bring you closer to finding, (and not by someone else's hand), meaning.
My heart goes out to you. This grief seems like it's coming to you every day. In daily doses. I believe we are given only one day at a time for this reason. It's all we can handle. What helped me deal with similar grief is knowing there is no fixing your loved one, or the situation. Only providing comfort where needed. That said, the feelings still came every day. Knowing that this feeling would not entirely ever go away, I was told by someone to give the grief 15 minutes at a time, no more. Then find something you enjoy no matter how simple. Break it into small doses. It helped me not let it take over my whole day...just bits of it.
Football, you say in a previous post that your previously close family is ignoring you.
Have you asked them what's changed?
I understand that you are feeling needy. Neediness is not a quality that makes others want to spend time with you. Your own kids may not be the best folks to lean on right now, as they are mourning, in an anticipatory way, the loss of their dad.
You say you've tried "weird programs". Have you discussed your issue with a regular, highly qualified therapist? Discussed possible depression medication with an MD?
Your husband is being cared for by people that are available 24/7 Give yourself a break. Make plans to take a vacation. It does not have to be a long one. Just enough for you to decompress a bit. Even a weekend at a hotel where you don't have to make breakfast, lunch or dinner. You don't have to make the bed and you don't have to mop the floor, clean the bathroom or do a load of laundry. You can do that when you get home. While you are on your vacay think about what you want to do. There are plenty of places that need Volunteers, lots of places hire part time. YOU get to chose who you are and what you want to do. I Volunteer with/for the Hospice that cared for my Husband. I find great satisfaction in that. AND it gives me a reason to get up in the morning at least 2 days a week. Better yet they appreciate what I contribute so I feel needed/useful. And it is a way for me to "pay back" the good.
As to the lump in your throat and the stomach ache. I am sure part of that is grief. As hard as it is accept it. It is difficult losing your partner bit by bit. In other peoples minds you are married, your husband is alive...in your heart you are dealing with his eventual death. One of the ladies in my Support Group called herself a "Married Widow" and that sort of sums up the feeling. If your husband is on Hospice (if he isn't you might want to consider that) you can talk to the Social Worker and or the Chaplain that is part of the team. Hospice is there for you as much as it is there for your husband. If you have a religious affiliation you might want to find out if there is someone you can talk to. Or contact your doctor and ask for a referral (if you need one) to a therapist if you think you need to talk. If your doctor is not aware of what is going on with your husband let them know. This effects your health mentally, emotionally and physically.
I have a whole bunch of little quotes that I have and this one might help you. Crying is a way your eyes speak When your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.
and the other one I really like:
Grief never ends But it changes. It's a passage not a place to stay Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith It is the price of love.
We don’t know much about your situation, but if you possibly can, put your loved one in a care facility. It isn’t right to expect yourself to pull out of this when the burden only gets worse. You deserve to get your life back, and you can do that, but not if the load you carry keeps pulling you down. There is no shame in saying “I just can’t do this anymore.”
I am imaging that you are needing emotional support? If that is the case, I would look elsewhere not to your sons.
My brother who I share the responsibility to care (in homes) for 2 LO's is useless when it comes to that giving me emotional support. Now if I need him to move a piece of furniture, ok, he's there for me.
I personally think it is a guy thing, I call it the emotional avoidance technique. They by nature want to be problem solvers, fix it like a car, get it running, jump in and off they go. Done, problem solved!
Certainly, understand there are exceptions to my theory, few and far in between.
Me, I would look for a local support group, social club, go to a church, meet with your friends have lunch, wander around shopping, go to the gym, volunteer somewhere, not in a senior home.
It seems that from you have posted, you have dedicated yourself to your family, might be time to branch out, reinvent you!
Might also help if you do not visit your husband every day, maybe 4 times a week and 3 left to you to rediscover who you are and plan for your tomorrows without your husband.
Being alone does not mean you cannot find meaning of life. Actually, i think opposite is true. After my first divorce I spent some time completely alone and really discovered what I want from life. I proceeded with my plan and turned out OK, better than that. I don‘t like cliches but it is true when we are so down we can only go up. Don‘t be afraid to be alone, understandable how your life changed, but , don‘t relay on children to fulfill your emptiness. Change your house, decorate, maybe makeover for yourself, exercise, cooking nutritious meals for one, yes for one and make it special. Or invite kids or friends. Take trips, make friends, read, take classes, paint, journaling, write a book as rlynn suggested, that is great idea! Many of us will have to make changes and apart from making or taking care of financials, I think we have to have plan A,B., write down all the things you want to do in life and think what is realistic.
I agree with many of the others: try to do something for yourself. When Hubby and I took care of my mom for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's, I was overwhelmed at first, but when I started to take just a little time for myself, I felt better. I walked to a friend's house in the neighborhood to have coffee, while Hubby watched my mom. Just that little time away to chat was a releif and a release of my stress. I tried to find the humor in the situation where I could, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for an accounting job in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the streets of NY, if you know what I mean," I learned the value of finding a laugh when I could. My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I would write down these funny happenings, and even the act of writing things down helped. These musings actually became a book called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Best of luck.
You didn't Cause this
You can't Cure this, and
You can't Control this.
Those 3 Cs originally pertained to Al Anon, a loved one living with an alcoholic and learning coping skills. But these 3 Cs are good to apply to your situation as well. Dh is cared for and safe, which is all you can do for him at this stage of disease. And continue to love him and visit, which you're already doing.
For you to find a purpose in life, you have to go out and find one. Volunteering is a great place to start, perhaps in a children's hospital reading to kids with cancer. Giving back to others gets us out of our own heads and feeling useful again as human beings. Even working at an animal shelter may give you a good feeling back again. Petting animals gives you unconditional love with no expectations from you in return.
If need be, get some therapy to help you carve out a path to your own healthy future now.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
Regardless of your husband’s health the odds of this lasting would’ve been detrimental to your children’s growth and development. If you did a good job it was never meant to last.
Forgive me if I'm going down a wrong path here with my suggestions but maybe for starters you could feeling better by volunteering to be a Baby Cuddler at a hospital. Look it up, you may need to attend a brief orientation or get a quick certification. Or you can volunteer to tutor children to read at a library or through a church program. Volunteer as a meals on wheels delivery person. Be of service just for 3 hours a week. Take lessons to develop your gifts. Meet people. Set goals.
Take deep slow breaths now and again. I often forget to do that although I know it actually works. Maybe I'll get back to the breathing thing after several boxes of cookies over some weeks. Other times, for a few days I may remember to practice thinking peaceful gratitude for a few seconds first thing in the morning and last thing at night, again after a slow breath and I whisper "I am grateful". It's not a religious thing, maybe, but it works.
Most healing is being a cog in the machinery of giving, working with, accomplishing, helping, not watching TV, (being the one having a life rather than watching others having a made up life), that brings meaning to life.
Get something done for/by yourself -
Because my husband takes a million years to eat a meal. After many years of making excuses why I had no time to exercise (because of him, dang it), I now have weights in the kitchen and do curls, other arm exercises and squats while I keep him company. If feels terrible but one day it won't.
You can't expect anyone but yourself to push you toward the promised land of fulfillment and happiness which only comes, for most people, from living a meaningful life. You are not at a dead end. We're all alone. Sometimes I feel so alone that it seems as though my heart is being squeezed inside a callous and mean fist. Often my mind takes a turn inside that fist.
Being alone, you have a great opportunity to finally find out your own honest-to-goodness direction that is not influenced by your circumstances or due to the dynamics of a family. By being alone what you become will be pure you.
It’s truly painful right now but you know so much has been accomplished by loners, and pathfinders.
Your sons are not giving you help. Tell them you and their dad need help. Tell each son you need, say, every Saturday afternoon, and 3 hours every Wednesday night. Tell them you're sorry but it's critical to your health in order to be around to take care of their dad. Or hire help if you can.
Join a support group.
It happens that I have caregiver friends, one has two autistic middle aged sons, sadly the pearl of her life, her hilarious and sharp minded daughter, died of lupus and scleroderma 6 years ago. I admire this mom so much.
Another caregiver friend still works, takes care of a husband suffering with Parkinson's and she visits her 96 year old mom almost every weekend. This is one classy lady.
By joining a support group, a good one, you become what you surround yourself with. If you surround yourself with eaters, you eat. If you surround yourself with valiant people, it buoys you, their courage is catching, you’re still whipped but you become heroic. And if you surround yourself with sorrow and defeat, you sink, and sink, and slowly, cripplingly, and in a self-abusing way you sink deeper.
Would you give anything to get this lump out of your throat? Make a stand for yourself. Nothing is easy but I guarantee you with each step you evolve into a new and improved creature that'll bring you closer to finding, (and not by someone else's hand), meaning.
Here’s to your success
Have you asked them what's changed?
I understand that you are feeling needy. Neediness is not a quality that makes others want to spend time with you. Your own kids may not be the best folks to lean on right now, as they are mourning, in an anticipatory way, the loss of their dad.
You say you've tried "weird programs". Have you discussed your issue with a regular, highly qualified therapist? Discussed possible depression medication with an MD?
Give yourself a break.
Make plans to take a vacation. It does not have to be a long one. Just enough for you to decompress a bit. Even a weekend at a hotel where you don't have to make breakfast, lunch or dinner. You don't have to make the bed and you don't have to mop the floor, clean the bathroom or do a load of laundry. You can do that when you get home.
While you are on your vacay think about what you want to do.
There are plenty of places that need Volunteers, lots of places hire part time. YOU get to chose who you are and what you want to do.
I Volunteer with/for the Hospice that cared for my Husband. I find great satisfaction in that. AND it gives me a reason to get up in the morning at least 2 days a week. Better yet they appreciate what I contribute so I feel needed/useful.
And it is a way for me to "pay back" the good.
As to the lump in your throat and the stomach ache. I am sure part of that is grief. As hard as it is accept it. It is difficult losing your partner bit by bit. In other peoples minds you are married, your husband is alive...in your heart you are dealing with his eventual death. One of the ladies in my Support Group called herself a "Married Widow" and that sort of sums up the feeling.
If your husband is on Hospice (if he isn't you might want to consider that) you can talk to the Social Worker and or the Chaplain that is part of the team. Hospice is there for you as much as it is there for your husband. If you have a religious affiliation you might want to find out if there is someone you can talk to. Or contact your doctor and ask for a referral (if you need one) to a therapist if you think you need to talk. If your doctor is not aware of what is going on with your husband let them know. This effects your health mentally, emotionally and physically.
I have a whole bunch of little quotes that I have and this one might help you.
Crying is a way your eyes speak
When your mouth can't explain how broken your heart is.
and the other one I really like:
Grief never ends
But it changes.
It's a passage not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love.
((hugs))
My brother who I share the responsibility to care (in homes) for 2 LO's is useless when it comes to that giving me emotional support. Now if I need him to move a piece of furniture, ok, he's there for me.
I personally think it is a guy thing, I call it the emotional avoidance technique. They by nature want to be problem solvers, fix it like a car, get it running, jump in and off they go. Done, problem solved!
Certainly, understand there are exceptions to my theory, few and far in between.
Me, I would look for a local support group, social club, go to a church, meet with your friends have lunch, wander around shopping, go to the gym, volunteer somewhere, not in a senior home.
It seems that from you have posted, you have dedicated yourself to your family, might be time to branch out, reinvent you!
Might also help if you do not visit your husband every day, maybe 4 times a week and 3 left to you to rediscover who you are and plan for your tomorrows without your husband.
Start taking care of you! My best!
Actually, i think opposite is true. After my first divorce I spent some time completely alone and really discovered what I want from life. I proceeded with my plan and turned out OK, better than that. I don‘t like cliches but it is true when we are so down we can only go up.
Don‘t be afraid to be alone, understandable how your life changed, but , don‘t relay on children to fulfill your emptiness.
Change your house, decorate, maybe makeover for yourself, exercise, cooking nutritious meals for one, yes for one and make it special. Or invite kids or friends.
Take trips, make friends, read, take classes, paint, journaling, write a book as rlynn suggested, that is great idea!
Many of us will have to make changes and apart from making or taking care of financials, I think we have to have plan A,B., write down all the things you want to do in life and think what is realistic.
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