My husband and I retired early to enjoy ourselves and do the activities that we want. I have been held responsible to take my elderly mother to her appointments. Now her sister, my aunt, expects the same from me because I do not work. They do not respect that I did not retire to become a transportation service.
Tell your Aunt your sorry but having the responsibility of Mom is enough. You and DH retired to enjoy what you have left of life so want to travel and do things when u want.
I made my Moms appts and made them around my schedule. So if your planning a cruise, sorry no appts that week. I would also re-evaluate these appts. Moms doctor had her coming every 2 months. She had no health problems other than cholesterol and high blood pressure. State law says you have to see doctor every 6 months for refills for perscriptions. So thats what I did.
She had gone to a specialist for a thickening at the top of her stomach. It was determined it was probably caused by gerd. She went again a couple of times, every 6 months. Nothing changed so we agreed to once a year. These doctors will milk Medicare if they can.
I am 75 and have already lost friends and classmates. Enjoy your retirement now, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Also, you could just say NO. It's a complete sentence.
I hated saying NO to her in the beginning and she would try to change my mind but I stuck to it. You can, too! Way too many people I know keep saying YES to mom and dad and they are so unhappy and resentful yet they keep doing it. Don’t let that happen. Enjoy your retirement!
You have to stand up for yourself, you are not a child that is under your elders authority, regardless of what they think.
Tell both of them no, you have plans with hubby, even if it is sitting around having coffee. You are not obligated to be their taxi service.
No! It is a complete sentence with no explanation required.
One comment: I would never expect a family member to become my transportation service. I also wouldn’t presume on anyone’s time because that person is retired. Your aunt sounds entitled. Many elderly people are. Best to set limits immediately.
Tell your Aunt you cannot be her transportation and other arrangements need to be made for her drives.
Do not offer an excuse as that will always lead to a "discussion and guilt tripping" you.
IF you want to do something like that tell her you are available on _________whatever day of the week is good for you and from __________and give her a time frame. BUT do say that your schedule changes and she has to ASK you in advance.
You can search in the area for transportation services.
Some communities have a Senior Group that has Volunteers that will take Seniors to appointments. Most of them require advance notice of 12 to 24 hours and the area would be limited.
Some areas also have free or low cost public transportation and some will even pick up at the home you just have to arrange the transport in advance.
First, decide how much time you are willing to devote to fulfilling the needs of your mother and any other family members. Decide what you are and are not willing to do. Then, stick to it.
When you say you "have been held responsible to take your elderly mother to her appointments", how did you land that responsibility?
You do not owe your mother or your aunt any of your time. You deserve to live your life on your terms. They may think you selfish, and may try and guilt you into doing what they want, but it is your decision to make.
You can help them both by setting up a ride share account or medical transport service, and teaching them how to use it, or even scheduling the rides for them.
Be firm when you state that you did not retire to become a transportation service.
While you are at it, teaching them how to be more independent, show them how to order groceries online and get them delivered to their home.
Frame it as you CAN’T, not WON’T.
I totally disagree. I have had several "needy" friends/acquaintances/family members, who see me as giving, patient, nurturing, which, to them, looks like a weakness they can exploit.
I've learned from experience with such people, when you say you "CAN'T", they will continue to press and try and find a scenario in which you CAN fit their need into your schedule.
With some people, you have to be very clear, and tell them you "WON'T"!