My husband and I retired early to enjoy ourselves and do the activities that we want. I have been held responsible to take my elderly mother to her appointments. Now her sister, my aunt, expects the same from me because I do not work. They do not respect that I did not retire to become a transportation service.
Also, you could just say NO. It's a complete sentence.
I hated saying NO to her in the beginning and she would try to change my mind but I stuck to it. You can, too! Way too many people I know keep saying YES to mom and dad and they are so unhappy and resentful yet they keep doing it. Don’t let that happen. Enjoy your retirement!
Do not offer an excuse as that will always lead to a "discussion and guilt tripping" you.
IF you want to do something like that tell her you are available on _________whatever day of the week is good for you and from __________and give her a time frame. BUT do say that your schedule changes and she has to ASK you in advance.
You can search in the area for transportation services.
Some communities have a Senior Group that has Volunteers that will take Seniors to appointments. Most of them require advance notice of 12 to 24 hours and the area would be limited.
Some areas also have free or low cost public transportation and some will even pick up at the home you just have to arrange the transport in advance.
It has been your choice to take your mother to her appointments, not that you've been held responsible to. There's a big difference in the 2 you know.
They can both call an Uber, or a friend, or there are some services available for seniors to get from here to there if and when needed.
So start using that wonderful two letter word NO for both your aunt and your mother, and you and your husband get out there and start enjoying your retirement that you both have earned.
You have to stand up for yourself, you are not a child that is under your elders authority, regardless of what they think.
Tell both of them no, you have plans with hubby, even if it is sitting around having coffee. You are not obligated to be their taxi service.
No! It is a complete sentence with no explanation required.
Frame it as you CAN’T, not WON’T.
I totally disagree. I have had several "needy" friends/acquaintances/family members, who see me as giving, patient, nurturing, which, to them, looks like a weakness they can exploit.
I've learned from experience with such people, when you say you "CAN'T", they will continue to press and try and find a scenario in which you CAN fit their need into your schedule.
With some people, you have to be very clear, and tell them you "WON'T"!
Use a "compliment sandwich" -
Say something nice - "I appreciate your trust in me... I find your trust in me to be..." "I have always valued _____ in you."
Say the truth that needs to be told - "I/We can not be a reliable source of transportation for you at this time..." "I am uncomfortable shouldering this responsibility for you..."
Offer some alternatives she can use - "Can I show you how Uber/Lyft... works on your phone?" "Can I recommend other family members or friends that could help for specific transportation needs?" "Have you considered hiring somebody to be your "driver" who has time on their hands and needs a little money?"
Finish with another slice of something nice - "I know that your are a resourceful woman..." "I know that you can handle this situation."
One comment: I would never expect a family member to become my transportation service. I also wouldn’t presume on anyone’s time because that person is retired. Your aunt sounds entitled. Many elderly people are. Best to set limits immediately.
Tell your Aunt you cannot be her transportation and other arrangements need to be made for her drives.
Tell your Aunt your sorry but having the responsibility of Mom is enough. You and DH retired to enjoy what you have left of life so want to travel and do things when u want.
I made my Moms appts and made them around my schedule. So if your planning a cruise, sorry no appts that week. I would also re-evaluate these appts. Moms doctor had her coming every 2 months. She had no health problems other than cholesterol and high blood pressure. State law says you have to see doctor every 6 months for refills for perscriptions. So thats what I did.
She had gone to a specialist for a thickening at the top of her stomach. It was determined it was probably caused by gerd. She went again a couple of times, every 6 months. Nothing changed so we agreed to once a year. These doctors will milk Medicare if they can.
I am 75 and have already lost friends and classmates. Enjoy your retirement now, you never know what tomorrow will bring.
First, decide how much time you are willing to devote to fulfilling the needs of your mother and any other family members. Decide what you are and are not willing to do. Then, stick to it.
When you say you "have been held responsible to take your elderly mother to her appointments", how did you land that responsibility?
You do not owe your mother or your aunt any of your time. You deserve to live your life on your terms. They may think you selfish, and may try and guilt you into doing what they want, but it is your decision to make.
You can help them both by setting up a ride share account or medical transport service, and teaching them how to use it, or even scheduling the rides for them.
Be firm when you state that you did not retire to become a transportation service.
While you are at it, teaching them how to be more independent, show them how to order groceries online and get them delivered to their home.
person ……it will be beneficial to both them and you.
Arrange the help not BE the help.
Do not have anyone take advantage of your precious lives. Go out and enjoy yourself.
I had experiences with my late divorced mother taking her everywhere even before she stopped driving. I had no choice while unemployed until she was sent to assisted living after several fall injuries at home.
After Mom was moved up to Oregon State, my brother got palliative care for her when she was unable to go out anymore so I was able to get back to work!
I live isolated without local CA relatives that sure beats someone taking advantage of me.
I’ve read about a saying that is “Those who need help the most can afford it the least”. It’s no excuse to be taken advance that may send you to an early grave.
Depending on her abilities, you provide options, volunteer and/organizations that help elders. If she can't research this on her own, provide her a list. She could contact (her or) a local church for volunteers.
The issue though seems to be the relationship and her expectation - and likely your lack of setting limits before now. However, you are doing it now so give yourself a lot of credit.
Since she has made assumptions about what you will (continue to) do for her, It is up to you to be clear with what you will and will not do. First, be clear on what you are willing to do so you can more confidently talk to her.
I wouldn't go into long explanations.
You do not owe her that.
However, say whatever is easiest for you ... even if you tell her you have some health issues that need addressing and cannot manage to continue offering her transportation as you have been.
You can set boundaries while loving someone. Setting boundaries IS loving a family member so they are clear. The longer you continue to 'do' for her, the more she will continue to expect. And, perhaps understandable since you haven't spoken up ... so she doesn't know yet.
She may be scared to be losing her independence. This is a natural response. You can tell her you love her and that you need more 'me' time since you retired.
Since you say 'they' (?) do not respect that I did not retire to become a transportation service," this is your answer. She doesn't respect you 'enough' and needs to be clearly informed of your intentions.
Certainly, tell her this is a difficult discussion to have with her and you want to help her as much as you can although things need to change. This is what I am willing to do ... (give her a list in writing if this will help; it may not as it may seem to business like). However, if a family member - or anyone - indicates a lack of respect for me ("you"), this is a major red flag that you must address.
You have to have self-respect to assert your own needs and feelings.
And, I wish you the best in enjoying your retirement and doing activities that you want to do. You ABSOLUTELY deserve your own full life. Never under-estimate or disregard this fact.
As needed, a social worker could be hired to assist her to find the services she needs. Or even a caregiver. There are options.
Gena / Touch Matters
Hopefully they can double-up where possible. Eg Book hairdresser, podiatry or checkup Dr appointments back to back & share a taxi. Employing a cleaner to clean both residences, or a companion/aide for shopping assist that does say Thurs for one & Fri for the other? Maybe..?
If the problem is that she is lonely and needs attention, give her a quick call a couple of times per week if you are close. If not, a couple of times per month is enough.
As many people said, don't give a reason or you will have a debate. Just "Sorry, I can't."