My dad died suddenly a couple of months ago. My mum has some mobility issues and dad did pretty much everything for her, she's unable to leave the house alone but she can wash herself, make food and tidy around. Since dad died I've been getting all her shopping, making sure her meds are ordered and doing the bigger jobs in the home. My sister and I arranged everything too , funeral, finances, all the legal stuff. My sister lives out of the country but calls several times a week and I visit every 4/5 days, I work full time and live over an hour away. Mum has always been negative and suffered with depression but would never want to do anything to better her situation even with our encouragement and support, we didn't have the happinest upbringing and witnessed many arguments between our parents when growing up, usually started by mum. She'd never encourage us or show us our happiness was her priority, always asking "why would you want to do that or go there"? She was unhappy with my dad and would constantly complain about him to us often saying she hated him and wanted to leave him. Family members and friends have offered to visit but she complains to us "they're boring " several neighbours have got in touch to offer support and company but she complains about them too. She often says "I just like it when you're here " and "I wish your sister would come back " basically I genuinely think she expects us to give up our homes and relationships and possibly more to dedicate our lives to her. She's saying she wants to move nearer me and I've encouraged a retirement property as I think she'd be better off in that type of community and they'll be some support for her but, she keeps saying she's not "going to live with a bunch of fogies" instead she wants a normal flat and isn't listening when I tell her she'll be more lonely and isolated and it's really not practical for an older person who's mobility will probably get worse in later years. I keep getting these feelings of guilt that I should visit more or stay with her or let her stay with us at least until we do find her a new home but I'm afraid she'll never leave. I find my visits tiring and draining as I'm running around after her, thinking for her, listening to her complain and making me feel guilty. I don't have kids, she probably put me off , but I can't comprehend if I had them that I'd emotionally guilt trip them and want them to give up their lives for me .
You are, I believe, doing enough. And if this works for you both that's great. Your use of the word "Mum" makes me think you reside in the UK and have access to NHS. I hope so. I hear they have a great system to help elders, and recently even read of a Share and Care system where the elder rents out a room at a truly reasonable sum to someone vetted by the system, and they sort of help around a bit and are present for safety in the home. Read this in a memoir by a young man who was with his woman for several years during Covid lockdown.
Anyway, I would encourage Mum to access the system. YOU KNOW HER and you know that no matter how much you do, it won't ever be enough and there will be little thanks in it for YOU. Don't do that to yourself. I often advise kids to move at least 1,000 miles from their elders.
Best of luck to you.
Don't get guilted into any of it. She obviously wants you and your sister to be her old age plan. She turns down others who offer to visit because they are "boring?" Doesn't want to "live with old fogies?" She needs a reality check. She's not a young girl anymore and has limited mobility. She prefers you to give up your job and life to wait on and entertain her? You are not the solution to her plan.
Her previous servant (your Dad) is gone now. She wants a new (unpaid) Caregiver Slave to step in. Don't let it be you. You are not responsible for her happiness. You are not financially responsible either. Listen to others excellent advice here, and maintain your boundaries.
Do not let her move in while looking for a place! She will never leave. Remind her often you work full time and there are only 24 hours in a day.
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness . You should not feel guilty .
Mom should not be wanting you to change your life while she refuses other visitors. You visit plenty and if it’s too much , dial it back .
Even as a paid caregiver, I feel it. With some, its always more and more until you find out there are five extra things added to an already full care plan. I had to finally put my foot down and say, home health aides do not move furniture! I had one client who thought that I could run endless errands on foot in over ninety degree weather. These stores were not close by. Even though I knew the area, where she was sending me was not nearby. Instead of sending me out for everything at once, it was like oh, can you go get me a cup of coffee? I was close to clocking out for the day, and I was like sorry. It's time for me to leave for today.
I learned that you do what is on the care plan. It does not mean allowing a client to run me ragged during a shift.
I did free caregiving for family as well. Trust me, it was no picnic. I have family who I rarely speak to today.
Ask yourself these questions.
*Am I doing things for her that she can do for herself? (even if it takes her a bit longer can she do whatever it is?)
*Is mom using me to provide companionship? Entertainment? If so she should find her own.. get involved with a Senior Group, Church group, or other group in the area. some groups will provide transportation to the group. Some areas also have low cost or free public transportation for disabled seniors, transportation might have to be arranged in advance.
You can have medications delivered by mail.
Groceries can also be delivered.
Do not let her "guilt" you. Keep to your boundaries. If she continues to complain you can cut it short by telling her that if she does not stop you will leave. If it continues, cut your visit short and go home. If she does the same on the phone cut the conversation short and hang up.
Make your visits when it is convenient for you not her.
My mother was exactly like yours and she lived to 95. I made the decision early on that my folks would never live with me, but in senior living when the time came. Thank God I stuck to my word, is all I have to say. I spent 10+ years caring for their needs (3 for dad and 7+ for mom) while they lived nearby. It was difficult, but nowhere near as bad as having mom living with me and my husband.
Set down firm, strong boundaries and stick to them like glue or the FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) will swallow you up, leading to bad decision making on your part.
Good luck to you.
I would tell her that she hires others to help or she goes into a facility, those are her two choices. Whichever one she chooses you will be her advocate but most importantly, you will be her daughter again and not her substitute spouse.
If you don't place this boundary and stick to it now, you will find mission creep has devoured your life. The FOG (fear, obligation and guilt tactic used by so many elders) will get so thick you will resent her and that's not healthy.
Remember, your life and desires matter too. Don't forsake your children and grandchildren to prop her up.