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Long story, but I’ll try to list the events instead of describe them.
1. On 9/11, my mother had an aneurysm rupture in her head. She survived, but recovery was never 100%. Ex. social filter gone - just poof.
2. Dad died 7 yrs later. Only then do my sister + I discover how much he hid from us about her.
3. My sister lives 2000 m away. I live 45. I try to get Mom to sell the farm + move closer to me. Utter + complete failure. I discovered she never wanted children + never really loved us. (Another long story.)
4. Enter predator/“odd jobs guy.” Someone who helps her out...my age. Suddenly Mom is drinking. I get calls from her neighbors...the sheriff has been there; fighting and yelling.
5. The man’s brother gets out of jail.
6. My mom develops 8 ulcers...after taking her to 6 endoscopies- she kicks me out of her hospital room and threatens to have the guy burn my house down. She also fires our family doctor. The man claims her doctor prescribed her sleeping pills and she accidentally took too many. The doctor is my uncle. He would never do that.
7. The brother of the predator has a wife who is now in charge of my mom’s medication as a “caregiver.” Unofficially, of course.
8. I called APS; they interviewed Mom, who said she’s afraid of the guy, but as soon as he fixes the barn, he’s history. A tall tale.
9. My cousin called today, said the predator had called her to invite her to their wedding next Saturday.
10. IDK what to do to save her. My sister has a hands-off policy that seems to work for her, but, my God. This is my mother. She’s impaired. Her house has become a hovel. I worry about her pets too. Two have died under suspicious circumstances. Over the last 11 years since Dad died, the love I had for her has bled away. She’s killed it, but I still feel like my dad would want me to do something.


This man is a bad person. He has drained her finances. She has a good teacher’s retirement, but I hear she claims to have no money and she tells ppl that her daughters have abandoned her.


Sometimes I think I’m living in an alternate universe. This can’t be happening. My mom was a respected woman. It’s so awful and sad.

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If your mother has not been formally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or dementia, unfortunately, there’s not.much you can do. and if no one has Power of Attorney for her, that’s even worse. That means she’s pretty much on her own. She can do what she wants and give her money to whomever she wants and you can’t do anything about it. It’s not fair or right, but if you have no legal power like a POA, there isn’t much you can do.
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
That’s what I was afraid of. I haven’t spoken to her since late April. She either won’t pick up the phone when I call or he is screening her calls. The deputy sheriff told the APS case worker to tell me not to go out to her house because it’s too dangerous. The man is volatile. My Mom is volatile too.

But, she’s been in three car accidents in the last two years too. It’s just crazy.
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Stay away from your Mom!! Run and don't go back. She made her own mess. She doesn't need to bring you down too!! Go live your life and be happy. You don't need her in your life!! YOU deserve happiness!!
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
I think you’re right. My husband confronted this guy several months ago about preying on Mom. He became defensive and got in my husband’s face, but backed down just as fast. I’m not sure what all was said, as I was helping Mom in the house, but after that, Mom became really nasty.

Probably best that we don’t draw attention to us at this point.
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Even with POA, you can’t control your mom or her finances as long as she’s considered mentally competent. You can’t override her decisions. Unfortunately there’s little you can do other than watch this train wreck from the side lines :(
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AlvaDeer Oct 2019
I agree. I think even with GUARDIANSHIP our OP would be helpless against Mom and this crew, and possibly in danger.
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If you're up for it you could pursue guardianship, and attorneys on this forum could address that further, but I'm guessing you'd need to give proof that she's mentally incapacitated and a danger to herself. Ugh, what a sad mess. Wishing you clarity and peace in your heart.
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Con-men hone in on lonely elder people, they only want money; like sharks circling their prey for a meal.
My recently widowed dad was taken by one of the same- while I documented and reported to ALL authorities, he lost his house and everything he worked for his entire life to an ex- felon prostitute. I spent much time trying to make him aware to no avail! After draining him of all his funds she dumped him off, with a shopping bag of his belongings, in a motel in another state. Horrible!
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inntruth Oct 2019
I am so sorry! That's awful!
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My dad married a thang that was younger then his youngest off spring. She effectively alianated him from every person that loved him and when all of his fortune was gone and he only had his SS check she divorced him, which happened in the 10th year to the date for her to be eligible to collect against his SS.

When she was gone he decided that he wanted his family to take him in and support him in his old age since his choices didn't work out so well.

Be prepared for her to lose everything and for him to dump her when it is gone or worse. I think that my dads wife was trying to kill him through medical negligence. He was almost dead when we picked him up and he was in the hospital and SNF for a combined 60 days. We called the police multiple times and they always said he was fine. Yeah, the definition of what is fine is apparently subjective.

You have to decide if you will help pick up the pieces afterwards or if you will walk away. Those are your only 2 choices because she is free to make these decisions and there is nothing you can do.

Best of luck, it is an awful situation and you feel utterly helpless, but remember, you have choices for how much you will help her when this falls apart, don't feel obligated or guilty if you decide to let her deal with her consequences. Hugs!
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Unfortunately, this situation isn’t uncommon. My FIL got involved with a woman while my sweet MIL was dying of non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Only took him a couple of weeks before he moved her into his house. Little bit different situation than others. He wanted to marry this woman. She refused his proposal because Louisiana is a community property state and she had money from her previous husband and wanted that to go to her adult children. Why didn’t she consider a prenup I don’t know?

Anyway she spent his money traveling around the world with him. Buying a new home and so forth with him. He was frugal with money before her. She bought expensive designer clothes with his money. He gave her whatever her heart desired.

She emotionally blackmailed him when the family became concerned for his welfare and told him to choose her alone or she would leave him. She saw us as a threat to losing his wallet. He was good enough to spend his money but not to marry.

He chose her early on in the relationship and he threw us away like yesterday’s garbage. It’s very sad that he missed out on two beautiful granddaughters. My kids would ask when they were young why did their grandpa forget about them. It broke my heart.

My husband is nothing like his dad. It hurt him to know that his father started cheating on his mom while she was dying of cancer. They were married for a long time and he had everyone believing he was a good husband who was faithful to his wife.

He stayed with this woman until her death. She died at age 95. He is 96. He moved away with her to North Carolina. After her death he came back to Louisiana and called my husband but my husband has no desire to see him. He didn’t apologize to my husband. He didn’t even mention our names to him. He just said to him, “How’s the family?” It hurt my husband that he didn’t even call me or our children by our names. I told my girls that he was back. They said they support their father in however he feels. The oldest one doesn’t remember a lot about him. The youngest one doesn’t remember him at all.

I suppose it’s too much water under the bridge and my husband just doesn’t view him as a ‘father’ anymore. I understand that. I told my husband that he may want to go see him so he wouldn’t have regrets but he isn’t interested. He doesn’t hate him. He forgives him. He just lost the feeling of him being his dad.

His dad is now living in an assisted living facility. Glad he saved enough money for that. The kicker to the story is that he got all his money from his in laws. My MIL was an only child and her father did well in life. He left his money to his daughter.

When my MIL died he got all of the money that was left to her from her father. That is how he funded his mistress’s lifestyle! Wonder what my grandfather in law would have thought of his hard earned money being spent on FIL’s mistress. My grandfather in law adored his daughter. It’s just sad all around.
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inntruth Oct 2019
Wow! It's as if I just read what we're experiencing. MIL died just one year ago and so we're only in the first year of the exact story you told. I wonder daily if our attempts to help FIL to "snap out of it" are a complete waste of time, money and energy. :(
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First, thank you all for sharing your own stories. The only good thing about all of your contributions is that I don’t feel so alone. I feel so badly for all of you. I understand that the law tends to side with the elderly person because so many people prey on their own parents, but the law is supremely unhelpful in protecting them from other people. Hell, I think I’d have better luck getting them to prosecute someone preying on me.

I don’t understand the anger and resentment directed toward me though. Every time I’d tell her I love her and want to help her live a decent life, she looked at me with the venom you would see most people reserve for bottom feeders - it’s unnatural. Mothers are supposed to love their children.

Ok. I know. I’d like to think it isn’t really her talking, just the dementia or some other mental illness. Maybe...but, sometimes A is A. Maya Angelou said something about when people tell you who they are, you should believe them.

We have an alarm system, cameras, and home protection. We figure it’s a matter of time before they run out of Mom’s money and convince her she is owed some of ours.
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AlvaDeer Oct 2019
Phoebe, is your mother very CHANGED? Or has she never been loving. You say you learned she never loved or wanted her children. Who did you learn this from? Is this her speaking now? Do you believe she has dementia?

You could seek guardianship if you believe she is demented, but apparently APS did not find her so impaired that they suggested you get a guardianship. And let us assume she IS Demented. Would you WANT guardianship? You would be alone in her care realistically as the sister is so far away.

As to her being owed your money of course that is out of the question. And you will not have to give her money. She well may run through her own. You say she owns a farm.
I think that I might now consider going to the Courts to ask for examination and possible guardianship by the State of your mother. I would not try to take it on yourself. There will likely a a lawyer who will take this case given your Mother would have a court appointed guardian who would likely sell the farm and have her placed in care. She doesn't sound mentally well. I have no idea if that is dementia or a result of her brain aneurysm.
Wishing you good luck. Hope you will update us. You will not be able to wrest care of your mother from these "others" who well may be very dangerous. I would leave this in the hands of the state at best, and walk away at worst, but I do not think you stand a chance of intervening yourself. So sorry. This is like some sort of awful Halloween nightmare story.
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It's a hobby here in Florida and the internet has really escalated the con job.

My friends father did exactly the same thing as others have mentioned. Wife dies, married 65 years, three weeks later, he is on line looking for a woman. He finds one, she takes him for everything he has, drops his children like a hot potato, wouldn't listen, he dies and there is nothing left.
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truthbetold Oct 2019
Doesn’t the court and the law realize this stuff by now and create laws to keep in mind the predator issue ?

I can understand adult kids moving so far away and leaving parents alone so elder parents find themselves becoming connected to others more locally who help them when they are most loneliest and feel safer in their own environments.

I wonder if if I will befriend strangers when I’m 85 and prefer to gift the strangers simply because I don’t see my kids anymore for years and years and so it goes ?

Thats why I think this unfortunate situation happens
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I swear we’re going through the same scenario except mom’s been with con man for 35 years. Entire family (and friends) have seen through him never have liked him. Jealous, abusive, mooch. I’m POA since 2017 when she was “in her right mind.” - that was revoked three weeks ago. Two joint bank accounts (1for her bills and SS) the other was an old account from 2000 I opened and put her as POD my husband and I paid our bills out of it) closed, I’m now off of Hippa forms, he’s “next of kin”. We’re all freaking out, Phone goes to vm, last contact was sept 26 w/ my niece, she says she didn’t revoke my POA and didn’t sign anything at an attorney. We Have court date oct 17 for Guardianship/conservatorship. What a mess!!! I wish us the best.
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
Good luck to you! I hope it works out better than with my situation.
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Can we go back to 8, when APS did have the reported concerns confirmed by your mother. When was this interview? What was the follow up?

I don't know if this is a comfort; but you note certain effects of the aneurysm and the damage it did to your mother's brain, and yet you take literally what she told you about her feelings towards you and your sister? You may have lost the part of her personality that made her a good, loving (?) mother when you were a child, but that doesn't mean that she wasn't really that person at the time.

What would you like to happen from here? If you want to pursue this effectively, it would be a good idea to think through what the alternatives are if you're successful in seeing off the predator.
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Do you have a good, energetic attorney that you trust? Please find one if you do not have one and get all your legal options. My husband and I have met with our attorney MANY times regarding my MIL and he has kept us on the right path with her. (She has fallen for many scams over the past 5 or 6 years and we must protect her money in order to preserve her way of life in her beloved retirement community.) Please find a reputable, energetic attorney who can advise you well and act quickly on behalf of you and your mother if need be. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. So many terrible people out there preying on the elderly.
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Time to Involved Adult Protective Service to Intervene. If Need be, Start proceedings to Get Guardianship of Mom, Sounds like Some, Hun, Demtia...No Safe Environement, By No Means.
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Time to Involve Adult Protective Services Here, Dear, For it Appears Mom is in No Safe Environment. I am Seeing Dementia with a Woman who You may Need to Get Guardianship Over...Look more into it.
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AlvaDeer Oct 2019
She says that they came, and that Mom told them she WAS afraid of him, but that he was leaving after some jobs were done. They apparently took it no further. I would not want to be guardian over this woman with than man around. I would ask the state to appoint a guardian.
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It might also be time to ..and I hate to say this..obtain Guardianship of your mom.
You need to talk with an Elder Care Attorney.
Guardianship is not easy. It involves paperwork. It involves some court time.
But at this point it might be the only way to keep your mom safe.
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It may be too late if they actually get married. If your mother is afraid of this man does she really want to marry him? Can you get an injunction against the man so that he cannot go near your mother? You'd have to prove in court that he is preying on her and her judgement is not sound. Can you get guardianship of your mother, and do you want to do this? It's a big responsibility. It sounds like it is too late to get POA for her finances and medical decisions (she needs to be in sound mind to do this).
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Isthisrealyreal is correct. Think ahead to what's going to happen if they get married. Con artist (now will be your stepdad!) will get his name on everything. Your mother will be left penniless and ill.

Make sure you set your boundaries very clearly. DO NOT be left taking her in because she has nowhere else to go!
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Calicokat, I thought the same thing about the situation with my dad, but as soon as he was back on his feet he sought this creature out, after a very long year, so he wanted to be in the situation.

It is sometimes just what it appears to be. A selfish, self centered parent doing exactly what they want and phooey on everyone that doesn't agree.

Such a sad situation.
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You really need to end this affair. The man is already married. Sounds exactly what you described...the 2 of them...husband and wife plotting to rob your mother and leave her homeless. Are you POA? I would call human services and demand a social worker go visit your mother for elder abuse. Perhaps you could be there with social worker to ensure your mother tells the truth about this predator. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen or maybe already has. A brain aneurysm is serious stuff. She really needs help for herself and this evil situation.
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katiekat2009 Oct 2019
And take the sheriff. These people may be dangerous.
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She needs to go for a respite in a nearby but not local assisted living facility-- tell her it is just for a while -- but first you need to get her signature on a Power of Attorney form for both health and finances--- after she goes to the facility for a "visit"--- take her to a doctor for an evaluation to determine that she DOES suffer from dementia and that a longer stay at the facility is in order as well as medications to combat the condition. Make sure this facility has locked doors memory care. My family had to trick Mom into leaving her home and living in a facility. Make sure she is checked for strokes, mini-strokes and any evidence of a bigger one. Good luck ! Don't fight with her, but be firm. And call the law on the interloper/con man and demand all monies be returned post haste. AFTER you get the POA form signed. Then you can act in her behalf. And fight back !
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worriedinCali Oct 2019
the OPs mom is not competent & cannot assign POA from the sounds of it.
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You need to get to Elder law Atty, to get poa & hcp . Also try to get nursing assessment for a SNF . Can she walk? Or homebound? Can dr evaluate for memory care place or SNF (skilled nursing facility) ? She’s letting strangers take advantage of her & $$$ won’t be available for her care! You can’t be there 24/7 so you have to advocate for her & do the best you can! Hugs 🤗
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Phoebe, as yet you have not told us clearly if your mother suffers from dementia either diagnosed or not?
I see almost everyone is advising you to get POA from her, or to become her guardian.
My advice would be quite the opposite. I would be running in the other direction fast as I can. This sounds like a dangerous and unstable lot just offhand. I wouldn't have anything to do with them.
For everyone out there suggesting APS she already called them. They visited. They don't seem concerned.
Should you want guardianship I would ask the court to assign a guardian outside the family. That way bother Mother AND you are safe.
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
No. Mom has not been diagnosed yet. We were trying.
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I am so sorry to hear your story. I can relate all too well. My mother is also being taken for a ride by someone on FB claiming to be in love with her. She also has a pension and he has taken a large majority of it. She has to ask family members to help with monthly expenditures and of course their is nothing left of her estate.
My state is not helpful in helping families with guardianship issues. Attorneys are quite expensive in guardianship hearings and if they ask your mother if she knows she is giving this man her money, and she responds yes, she is not considered incompetent.
Please be aware of your state's rules and regulations and the cost of attorneys to help prove you need guardianship of your mother.
It is a long and often emotional task.
God bless. I hope all goes well for you and your family.
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This is a horrific situation. Is there any possible way that a relative she trusts can take her to a neuropsychologist for a competency evaluation? If this evaluation shows she is cognitively impaired, this would allow for a guardianship to be pursued. Since the sheriff has been involved, is not possible to obtain a protection of abuse order? Protective services through the area agency on Aging should continue to be involved looking for financial,physical or emotional abuse. They should be able to examine her financial as well as medical issues. I would check with an elder lawyer to see what avenues could be pursued.
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
When I first contacted APS, I asked about an elder law attorney. They told me that in my county, no lawyers were willing to take on elder abuse cases. I would have to go 2 hours away to find one.

The last time I saw Mom she was in the hospital. She had been admitted b/c of altered mental status, but she had gone to the ER for an inability to have a bowel movement. I asked the charge nurse to have her evaluated for dementia and she told me the hospital had eliminated their mental health department. They would treat her physical probs, but not mental, esp if she had a caregiver. I noticed her toe nails were long and curled up to the side. So gross. I couldn’t imagine the level of neglect. She doesn’t drink water very often, so they looked hard and filthy. I tried to talk Mom into seeing a psychologist and she threw me out of her room, but not before threatening to send the guy to burn my house down. She said he was 10 times the man my husband was. In my defense, I responded that my husband had a job and didn’t steal from old ladies, but she became unreasonably angry and I left in tears.

So, I guess I’m done. Idk what else to do. Since they have apparently married, I am at a loss. And, I’m tired.
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Can a family member stay with your mom until you get things in order. It sounds like your mother needs someone there on her behalf, protecting her, ASAP before something more drastic happens.
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
I’m afraid it’s too late. Thank you though.
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It might be that your mom is bipolar. Mood stabilizers may help if so. Who told you she didn't love you?? Sounds like a nightmare.
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
I cannot remember her ever telling us that she loved us. Either of us. Ever. Warm and kind...no. Whatever good feeling she showed, it was conditional - whatever she wanted from us. We watched our language and our actions around her.

Dad was our constant. He loved us without reservation, but he was weak. Our escape was the horses...and our grandparents.

After Dad died, I tried to get her to sell out and move to our property...build a house and barn. She would have everything she wanted.

Hatred is what I received from her. Vicious, mean...and resentful. That’s my mom.
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Phoebe,

Any new news? Hope this gets resolved soon.
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Respect her boundaries and walk away. There's nothing left after what you've tried except to get therapy for yourself and to be available if she is dumped.

I had to separate from mthr for 8 years but when APS was finally involved, we could rescue her without opposition. Just make sure that APS knows the connection and that you are interested in helping when this situation goes south.
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
Wise answer.
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Phoebe2019. Please do give us an update. I have a friend whose mother is in a very similar situation. Her new husband is super controlling and will not accept help. He also drastically limits the family’s contact with his wife, who was diagnosed with dementia and loves and depends on this man, though he’s not in good health and is not taking especially good care of her physically. He has put his name on all the medical and legal documents that he can. I’d like to be able to give her a suggestion if you find something that is effective. I’m hoping you are able to.
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
Update: My mother married the guy Saturday. All I have been thinking about since is my father. So, tomorrow, I am calling APS and the local PD to say that if - when - my mother dies in the next few months, I would like to see an investigation.

I heard about the marriage from a neighbor who saw someone delivering flowers, and the guy walking around in a white suit. She thought maybe Mom had died. When I told her what had most likely happened, she was horrified. She has seen, herself, what an abuser and overall terrible man this guy is. I went online and found they had applied for a marriage license on Oct 8.

I texted my sister in CA...no answer. I feel like I’ve let Mom down - let my father down. I should have done something sooner. IDK what, exactly, but something. Anything. Maybe I’m in a “Twilight Zone” episode.
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IMHO, you should get an elder law attorney involved now. Btw, your format was excellent and made it very easy to read. Prayers sent to you.
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