Long story, but I’ll try to list the events instead of describe them.
1. On 9/11, my mother had an aneurysm rupture in her head. She survived, but recovery was never 100%. Ex. social filter gone - just poof.
2. Dad died 7 yrs later. Only then do my sister + I discover how much he hid from us about her.
3. My sister lives 2000 m away. I live 45. I try to get Mom to sell the farm + move closer to me. Utter + complete failure. I discovered she never wanted children + never really loved us. (Another long story.)
4. Enter predator/“odd jobs guy.” Someone who helps her age. Suddenly Mom is drinking. I get calls from her neighbors...the sheriff has been there; fighting and yelling.
5. The man’s brother gets out of jail.
6. My mom develops 8 ulcers...after taking her to 6 endoscopies- she kicks me out of her hospital room and threatens to have the guy burn my house down. She also fires our family doctor. The man claims her doctor prescribed her sleeping pills and she accidentally took too many. The doctor is my uncle. He would never do that.
7. The brother of the predator has a wife who is now in charge of my mom’s medication as a “caregiver.” Unofficially, of course.
8. I called APS; they interviewed Mom, who said she’s afraid of the guy, but as soon as he fixes the barn, he’s history. A tall tale.
9. My cousin called today, said the predator had called her to invite her to their wedding next Saturday.
10. IDK what to do to save her. My sister has a hands-off policy that seems to work for her, but, my God. This is my mother. She’s impaired. Her house has become a hovel. I worry about her pets too. Two have died under suspicious circumstances. Over the last 11 years since Dad died, the love I had for her has bled away. She’s killed it, but I still feel like my dad would want me to do something.

This man is a bad person. He has drained her finances. She has a good teacher’s retirement, but I hear she claims to have no money and she tells ppl that her daughters have abandoned her.

Sometimes I think I’m living in an alternate universe. This can’t be happening. My mom was a respected woman. It’s so awful and sad.

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Even with POA, you can’t control your mom or her finances as long as she’s considered mentally competent. You can’t override her decisions. Unfortunately there’s little you can do other than watch this train wreck from the side lines :(
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AlvaDeer Oct 2019
I agree. I think even with GUARDIANSHIP our OP would be helpless against Mom and this crew, and possibly in danger.
Stay away from your Mom!! Run and don't go back. She made her own mess. She doesn't need to bring you down too!! Go live your life and be happy. You don't need her in your life!! YOU deserve happiness!!
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
I think you’re right. My husband confronted this guy several months ago about preying on Mom. He became defensive and got in my husband’s face, but backed down just as fast. I’m not sure what all was said, as I was helping Mom in the house, but after that, Mom became really nasty.

Probably best that we don’t draw attention to us at this point.
My dad married a thang that was younger then his youngest off spring. She effectively alianated him from every person that loved him and when all of his fortune was gone and he only had his SS check she divorced him, which happened in the 10th year to the date for her to be eligible to collect against his SS.

When she was gone he decided that he wanted his family to take him in and support him in his old age since his choices didn't work out so well.

Be prepared for her to lose everything and for him to dump her when it is gone or worse. I think that my dads wife was trying to kill him through medical negligence. He was almost dead when we picked him up and he was in the hospital and SNF for a combined 60 days. We called the police multiple times and they always said he was fine. Yeah, the definition of what is fine is apparently subjective.

You have to decide if you will help pick up the pieces afterwards or if you will walk away. Those are your only 2 choices because she is free to make these decisions and there is nothing you can do.

Best of luck, it is an awful situation and you feel utterly helpless, but remember, you have choices for how much you will help her when this falls apart, don't feel obligated or guilty if you decide to let her deal with her consequences. Hugs!
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I swear we’re going through the same scenario except mom’s been with con man for 35 years. Entire family (and friends) have seen through him never have liked him. Jealous, abusive, mooch. I’m POA since 2017 when she was “in her right mind.” - that was revoked three weeks ago. Two joint bank accounts (1for her bills and SS) the other was an old account from 2000 I opened and put her as POD my husband and I paid our bills out of it) closed, I’m now off of Hippa forms, he’s “next of kin”. We’re all freaking out, Phone goes to vm, last contact was sept 26 w/ my niece, she says she didn’t revoke my POA and didn’t sign anything at an attorney. We Have court date oct 17 for Guardianship/conservatorship. What a mess!!! I wish us the best.
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Phoebe2019 Oct 2019
Good luck to you! I hope it works out better than with my situation.
It's a hobby here in Florida and the internet has really escalated the con job.

My friends father did exactly the same thing as others have mentioned. Wife dies, married 65 years, three weeks later, he is on line looking for a woman. He finds one, she takes him for everything he has, drops his children like a hot potato, wouldn't listen, he dies and there is nothing left.
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truthbetold Oct 2019
Doesn’t the court and the law realize this stuff by now and create laws to keep in mind the predator issue ?

I can understand adult kids moving so far away and leaving parents alone so elder parents find themselves becoming connected to others more locally who help them when they are most loneliest and feel safer in their own environments.

I wonder if if I will befriend strangers when I’m 85 and prefer to gift the strangers simply because I don’t see my kids anymore for years and years and so it goes ?

Thats why I think this unfortunate situation happens
Unfortunately, this situation isn’t uncommon. My FIL got involved with a woman while my sweet MIL was dying of non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Only took him a couple of weeks before he moved her into his house. Little bit different situation than others. He wanted to marry this woman. She refused his proposal because Louisiana is a community property state and she had money from her previous husband and wanted that to go to her adult children. Why didn’t she consider a prenup I don’t know?

Anyway she spent his money traveling around the world with him. Buying a new home and so forth with him. He was frugal with money before her. She bought expensive designer clothes with his money. He gave her whatever her heart desired.

She emotionally blackmailed him when the family became concerned for his welfare and told him to choose her alone or she would leave him. She saw us as a threat to losing his wallet. He was good enough to spend his money but not to marry.

He chose her early on in the relationship and he threw us away like yesterday’s garbage. It’s very sad that he missed out on two beautiful granddaughters. My kids would ask when they were young why did their grandpa forget about them. It broke my heart.

My husband is nothing like his dad. It hurt him to know that his father started cheating on his mom while she was dying of cancer. They were married for a long time and he had everyone believing he was a good husband who was faithful to his wife.

He stayed with this woman until her death. She died at age 95. He is 96. He moved away with her to North Carolina. After her death he came back to Louisiana and called my husband but my husband has no desire to see him. He didn’t apologize to my husband. He didn’t even mention our names to him. He just said to him, “How’s the family?” It hurt my husband that he didn’t even call me or our children by our names. I told my girls that he was back. They said they support their father in however he feels. The oldest one doesn’t remember a lot about him. The youngest one doesn’t remember him at all.

I suppose it’s too much water under the bridge and my husband just doesn’t view him as a ‘father’ anymore. I understand that. I told my husband that he may want to go see him so he wouldn’t have regrets but he isn’t interested. He doesn’t hate him. He forgives him. He just lost the feeling of him being his dad.

His dad is now living in an assisted living facility. Glad he saved enough money for that. The kicker to the story is that he got all his money from his in laws. My MIL was an only child and her father did well in life. He left his money to his daughter.

When my MIL died he got all of the money that was left to her from her father. That is how he funded his mistress’s lifestyle! Wonder what my grandfather in law would have thought of his hard earned money being spent on FIL’s mistress. My grandfather in law adored his daughter. It’s just sad all around.
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inntruth Oct 2019
Wow! It's as if I just read what we're experiencing. MIL died just one year ago and so we're only in the first year of the exact story you told. I wonder daily if our attempts to help FIL to "snap out of it" are a complete waste of time, money and energy. :(
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Calicokat, I thought the same thing about the situation with my dad, but as soon as he was back on his feet he sought this creature out, after a very long year, so he wanted to be in the situation.

It is sometimes just what it appears to be. A selfish, self centered parent doing exactly what they want and phooey on everyone that doesn't agree.

Such a sad situation.
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If you're up for it you could pursue guardianship, and attorneys on this forum could address that further, but I'm guessing you'd need to give proof that she's mentally incapacitated and a danger to herself. Ugh, what a sad mess. Wishing you clarity and peace in your heart.
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Con-men hone in on lonely elder people, they only want money; like sharks circling their prey for a meal.
My recently widowed dad was taken by one of the same- while I documented and reported to ALL authorities, he lost his house and everything he worked for his entire life to an ex- felon prostitute. I spent much time trying to make him aware to no avail! After draining him of all his funds she dumped him off, with a shopping bag of his belongings, in a motel in another state. Horrible!
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inntruth Oct 2019
I am so sorry! That's awful!
Can we go back to 8, when APS did have the reported concerns confirmed by your mother. When was this interview? What was the follow up?

I don't know if this is a comfort; but you note certain effects of the aneurysm and the damage it did to your mother's brain, and yet you take literally what she told you about her feelings towards you and your sister? You may have lost the part of her personality that made her a good, loving (?) mother when you were a child, but that doesn't mean that she wasn't really that person at the time.

What would you like to happen from here? If you want to pursue this effectively, it would be a good idea to think through what the alternatives are if you're successful in seeing off the predator.
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