How do I respond when my mother says, "I just want to die."?

Go for the meds, at least she will be more accepting of God's timetable.

Allow her to have her feelings. They're valid.

It's in our nature, when someone expresses a desire to die, to say something like, "Oh, you don't mean that!" Or "There are so many people who are worse off than you." Or even, "Mom, that upsets me when you say that. Can we please talk about something else?"

Listen to what she has to say. Just listen. Let her express her feelings without judgement or condemnation or expressing how uncomfortable her feelings make you. Ask her why she wants to die. "Mom, can you share with me why you feel that way?"

She's trying to be heard. So make sure she is.

Understand how she feels. Especially if she's aware of her dementia, it is absolutely a helpless feeling to recognize she can't do "basic" things that she once did every day and frustrating to forget things that just happened, or that were a huge part of your life (or to even remember something so realistically but that didn't even happen, then have people tell you so). Dementia is very scary for the patient. At its worst, it's like living in the void of the unknown. That's why depression is understandably a very common thing among dementia patients.

Take her to a neurologist, preferably one that might have more experience with dementia and Alzheimers. With the condition, different anti-depressant medications can possibly make her symptoms even worse. I just went through this with my mom who is still in the early stages. We've finally got her on meds, and I've seen a world of difference.

Also don't forget to take care of yourself. As someone who just went through this with their parent, I understand that it can be so painful to hear your loved one say something like they wish for death. You try to do so much for them, and it's still not enough in their eyes. Take some time to step back and realize that it's the condition and depression at work here, not any failure on your part. Try your best to handle any guilt you might feel and discuss your emotions with people you trust or with a doctor. You can't help someone when you yourself are drowning.

Wish you the best.

I am very sorry for what you and your mother are going through. That is a hard thing to witness. Meds help, anti depressents, distraction and love.I don't think she would be able to explain why she says that, she is very confused and probably depressed. I just hope she isn't capable of acting on it.

It is a sad thing to hear for a child. As a professional, clients tell me this all of the time. I validate their feelings, let them talk about their past and why they are done with this life on earth. Understand they know their quality of life has changed, and perhaps your mom just wants to talk about her beliefs. I agree with your medication assessment. Acknowledge and accept, but don't beat yourself up trying to find an answer or cure. There is no cure for end of life. Grief counseling might help for you. You are already grieving the mom you used to know, although she is still here. We call these non-death losses.Take care of yourself, 68% of caregivers (including children) die before the person they are caring for!

A hug and I love you along with empathy about how hard she is working and how special she is to you if often the best solution to any situation of struggle.

I used to tell my uncle that God wasn't ready for him yet but when his time came, i promised to let him know. The day the hospuce nurses told me that it may be soon and I should let the family know i very quietly told him that God was ready for him and it was ok for him to go and he died very peacefully a few hours later. I think he was so afraid to die that dying was all he could think about. I think hugs and kisses are a good choice when are love ones say they want to die.

My Mother about to turn 92 in November is in a memory care unit. She says she wants to die when I visit, on the phone, and every time in between. I believe that she is just doing it for attention. The reason why I think this is because after she says this she asks if her medication is being given to her correctly. If you want to die why would you want to know or even care if your medication was correct?.Another thing is that my Mother has been saying this since she was 80!! That is 12 years! She is also on 2 blood pressure medicines only and loads of vitamins only. So basically we are paying AL over 500 dollars a month to administer tons of Vitamins. Sorry any way I respond seems to be wrong.

Just keep talking with her about the value of life and try to get her to focus on good memories at this point. Ask her about her grandparent, her parents, her childhood...see what she remembers. Did she work? Get her to tell you about you when you were little. So what if it is all stories you've heard before, let her talk about it and help her understand she has lived a good long life. A privileged denied to many.

All of the above is true and valuable.

One more suggestion: have you tried pet therapy??? Animals are so in the moment. It can be a great relief.

I won't go on and on with stories. They are legendary. A little animal to cuddle can be such a comfort--especially if one feels that the animal needs the cuddling.

She probably can't care for the animal but if she can have it brought to her a few times a week?????

Very good answer Salisbury. My husband goes to Sloan every two weeks and they have people going around with dogs there. It does help a lot.

These answers about just listening are very helpful. Thank you.

Are you sure she does not have a urinary infection?

I can only add what didn't work for me. When my husband was terminally ill with several diseased including Alzheimer's he often said he wanted to die. Following advice from our hospice social worker, I often responded with, "It's OK to let go." One day he told me to stop saying that. A few weeks later, he said, "If I can't come home (from the nursing home), I want to die. Two weeks later, he had a pleasant chat with his social worker at noon, and died in his sleep that night. I believe many people chose when they will die.

You have been given good advice here - it must be unbelievably hard to keep losing the people you've loved, the ability to take care of yourself and choose for yourself what you will do, wear, eat, to lose your ability to pursue those hobbies you used to enjoy, to be in pain and limited mobility, to know your mind is weakening. I don't have answers, except medication has really helped take the edge off with my elders. When I am with them, I either get them to talk about their youth or some of their pleasant memories, or sit and be with them. Give the love you can.

I don't think this is uncommon--and at age 93, really, what does she think is left in life? Her being a hypochondriac and a bit of a narcissist, this is exactly the behavior one would expect. Let her talk, one day she will get her wish. If she is just trying to "get" at you and hubby, try not to show much emotion. That's what she wants!

My mother used suicide threats all my life to "keep me in line"---it didn't work on the other sibs, only me. It was purely horrible and a terrible way to parent--but that was in the long distant past. Now she is clinging to life so hard--and she won't likely last 2 more years. The irony is not lost on me.

One thing my hubs always says "Nobody gets out of this life alive". I wouldn't even give her comments a second's thought. She's probably tired and hurts all the time. You could try antidepressants, but they are for you more than her, sounds like.

I may sounds callous, but when my mother tells me about the death of yet another of her old classmates or friends--I usually respond "Good for them!" They are ALL in their 90's, miserable, tired and done with living.
At her age, her comfort and daily needs should be met, but I wouldn't knock myself out trying to find ways to make her happy. Sounds like she doesn't WANT to be happy.

the end of life...so sad for many and who would want to live like that...not me! meds, get her on antidepressants, might help...can you take her into a social area when you visit? i know that being isolated is the worst for any human! god bless you guys...hope you find some way to help her.

I, too, am experiencing this exact same thing. I put my mom in assisted-living memory care a little over 2 months ago, and they all tell me mom is doing great. But she is not doing any of the activities, though the staff tells me that she is. My dad and I put her in there, telling her it was for therapy of memory and her gait. She has improved with walking, isn't using her walker or wheelchair anymore, but she just wants to die. I asked the staff yesterday if they could involve her in some activity, like putting the napkins on the tables in the cafeteria, so she would feel needed and had a "job" to do. She won't visit with other people in the facility. She just sits in her room staring at the TV. She keeps asking me when she is going to get discharged. I told her the truth a couple weeks ago that that was her permanent home. She cries all the time. She has gone back to saying she's getting discharged "tomorrow" once the doctor comes in. It's as though she doesn't remember that I told her this is her permanent home. She asked me if she could come home to die. I told her when hospice said it was time, I would bring her home to die.

On another note, I also have my dad living with me. He fell ill on me last year, 2015, and was in the hospital for 9 weeks, aortic valve replacement, pacemaker, heart alblation, released with 3 months of rehab. Then in Nov 2015, my mom had a TIA stroke, was released from hospital with late-stage alzheimer's diagnosis. Then in Jan 2015, my dad returned to the hospital for another 10 weeks, this time sepsis diagnosis. His kidneys stopped working b/c of the antibiotics to cure the sepsis, and is now doing outpatient dialysis 3 times a week.

I have 4 brothers, but absolutely no support from them. I am at the end of my rope as well... especially this past week. I took mom out shopping last Saturday, and she just kept repeating how she wanted to die, and I told her that I, too, wanted to die. And it's the truth. I just seem to go through the motions and manage to get things done, but I just have no will to live, as it seems I have a continuous dark cloud hanging over me. As try as I might, there seems some crisis that seems to happen nearly every day, that I have to quit what I am doing to handle the crisis.

My nerves are a mess, shake severely in the morning, am on Xanax, but doesn't seem to help. I have a tremendous Catholic faith, but I'm not seeing God in any of this, though I know he is there, and that one day I will look back and understand why I had to go through all of this.

I don't have many friends and went through a divorce when I moved my parents down to live with me. My world revolves solely around them and am working full-time, though a lot of times my job allows me to work from home.

I need to find something for my mother to do to make her feel useful again. She was a prize-winning quilter, but has forgotten how to do any of it. I, too, quilt, though I haven't even set up my sewing room since I moved into my current home 2 years ago... have had no time!

Can anybody please help me? I treasure this group and have learned so many answers to questions that I have. Sorry this was so lengthy. Maybe it was TMI, but I guess I just needed to vent!

God bless all of you. Trust in the Lord always, right?

"We are going to miss you when you are gone." This is what I tell my 97 year old aunt. She laughs and we move on. "See you next week." "I may not be here." "Where will you be?" "You know where the people go!" she laughs " I will miss you if you are not here."

stenotype1...lots of caregivers feel the same way!! i myself have felt like death would be better at times...and then i was able to move on from there!! i have my mother in stage 7 dementia dying in bed in the living room. i take care of my dad is 93 who has poor eye sight and hearing...and could be a pain in the @ss at times...always making things more difficult than need be...take care of the house...and everything that goes with that. i have a brother that lives here and his 20 yr old daughter. little or no help for the most part they just come and go as they please! anyway...my father told me that he was losing the will to live!!! i was so mad when he told me that!!! he sees how hard i work...and now he wants to add more stress to my plate!! i told him to look at my dying mother that can't do anything for herself...and asked him if he would rather be in her place...and told him i was tired tooooo, so leave me alone!!! yup...and i don't feel bad!! he should man up like the macho he has always been! he went and watched tv and we moved on! have you tried antidepressants? ive been on them before...the right one will make you feel like the sun is shining again!! also, you might want to go to a caregivers group!! sharing with others....get lots of good advise or maybe help! google ... caregivers groups in your city!!! gooooood luck ... hang in there!!!!

That is hard to hear. Doctors do their best to prescribe medications to treat X but that drug can cause new problems with Y. So the doctor prescribes meds to treat Y, and that affects Z. Too many old people are living long, unhealthy, unhappy lives. The medical industrial complex has done us no favors. Once we start down the chemical highway there are hardly any U-turns. I can't remember the last family member or close friend who "died peacefully at home." I would first try to get a geriatric nurse practitioner to make a house call. Maybe meds are the answer but maybe not.

My Mother-in-law is 96 with good memory-can still walk with walker-fairly good health and she says "I do not know why I am still here, I'm ready to go" I respond to her by saying at my age I cannot understand that statement but maybe when I am 96 I might feel the same way knowing I am on the very downhill of life. She is in the same facility as her daughter, my wife, who has Alzheimer's but she is in the Assisted Living area and my wife in Memory Care. I tell her I need her help in taking care of her daughter by visiting her as often as she can. I am trying to give her some purpose but also acknowledge her feelings. I do visit both everyday.

When I first moved in with Mom after Dad died, every time she got mad at me she said she wished she was dead. If she was saying this out loud, I had to assume she was having suicidal thoughts. So after a few times, I made an appointment for her with a psychiatrist and she was put on anti-depression, anti-anxiety meds for a while.

As her dementia progressed, she became increasingly anxious (a trait she exhibited as long as I've known her) and agitated to the point neither of us got any sleep. The doctor put her on a Seroquel generic and she's managed well on that for some years now.

Blessings to all of you during this challenge.

Exactly how you responded. She has every right not to want to live. Who would with dementia? Just listen, and the good Lord will take her when He wants. Anti-depressants have too many side effects, she could fall and the results would be more agony. Just leave her be. God love her for living so long!

I think this is common for anyone reaching this advanced age. Mom has wanted to die, since before Dad died in 2007. She would tell him every morning, " Poppa, it's time for us to go". She was ready at 85 and she is ready now at 95. Most people don't live that long, and if you are sick and feeble, you are simply ready to die!

Hi Thanklessjob, I am going through the same situation with hubby's GM whom is living with us until July 1st as we are moving her to assisted living. Your mother & our GM is saying the same things. I highly suggest getting her to a psychiatrist. I have heard the same for the past 3 years. GM is a diva too....not to mention dementia & she is psychotic per psychiatrist. GM also has a personality disorder which one....I can only guess narcissist as no one else matters but her.
I have wasted my breath, diversion etc .....alot is for attention at least for me it is....she can have 24/7 & it is still not enough which I am dealing with aggressive behavior, hatefulness & yes she is! She is 94....she is deliberately trying to hurt herself to go to hospital for her "CLUB MED" EXPERIENCE! This happens every 4-6 months. All of this for attention.....which is very bad due to she is self-harming to get attention! Does not matter, I stopped ego stroking a couple of months ago....I have her in Elder Day 5 days a week & her son-in-law picks her up for the day on weekend....still is not enough to quench I want attention....Its crazy as I am at my wits end dealing with this....she is on a bunch of psych meds but does no good as she is spitting them out/throwing them up after I administer.....Unfortunately I cannot keep her safe even from herself & I am counting the days until July 1st...MOVEOUT DAY! I hope this helps, but you definitely may need a psychiatrist on board....I had no choice...I cannot care for a person who refuses to cooperate....Hope this helps & you may contact me.
YOU NEED A BIG HUG!!! ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

I don't see why people like this just can't be put out of their misery like our animal friends are. They don't have to suffer but we do; it makes no sense at all!

You don't need to respond. The last time my mother went to the hospital, the doctor asked what she wanted. She said, "I want to die." And she did, a few hours later. She had many times said other people wanted her to die but this was the first time she told a stranger that.

I'd flat out ask her... mom, do you think you may be feeling that way because you're feeling neglected by me? Do you think that if I visited more, or did more for you that it would change the way you feel about wanting to die? If she's truly trying to raise the guilt factor because she is feeling negelected in some way, this would give her ample opportunity to express her true feelings, to which you must then be non-judgemental about or defensive about. If she says yes, that she wants to die because she's feeling neglected in some way, this opens to door to talking about what would help remedy that. If she says no, that's not it, then perhaps you could open the door for her to express her feelings about why she wants to die, instead of coming back with a curt "God will take you when it's your time" response. I think you close the door to understanding when you give that kind of response. Put yourself in her situation. How do you think you would feel if you had no more new experiences to look forward to in life and couldn't remember things or take care of yourself? It's difficult to be in your shoes as well, but I think empathy for your mother and allowing her to have those feelings and to help her express them would be a first step in the right direction. The last thing she needs is to be brushed off or to be made to feel that her feelings are either not acceptable or not taken seriously. One last thing, if she can't remember things, maybe you could bring memories alive for her through pictures, recollections, little objects that have meaning, singing to and with her... things like that.

my father was the exact same way, calling himself "sad and miserable"
after antidepressants he was back to his joking self.