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My Mother's Friend comes and spends 3 to 4 nights from out-of-town with my Mother. She refuses to accept my Mother's dementia diagnosis, along with no alcohol, and keeping me in the loop of what's going on when she visits. She drives my Mother anywhere she wants to go. And, my Mother spends money on things she doesn't need, or over spends, period, and the friend doesn't respect my wishes as caregiver, daughter, and D.P.O.A., and told me in so many words to butt-out, and that she isn't friends with me, but my Mom, and to leave her alone, and to quit telling her what to do, and her friendship is with my Mom and not me. My Mother is a recovering alcoholic since the beginning of this year. And, she has dementia, and she cannot drive. She has, also, been diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder. My Mom has a lot of problems with managing money, and I have to help my Mother with everything that requires making sound decisions, and help keep her away from alcohol. I, also, drive her everywhere, take her to all medical appointments, make all financial and business decisions. I am responsible for my Mom. This friend is an enabler, and she doesn't respect me, and I don't want her around my Mother driving her all over the place, and spending several nights and days at a time. Her last trip, she smashed a laptop with a hammer and threw away, took my Mom to a new hearing specialist, where my Mom bought new hearing aides, took her to buy a walker (my Mother hates, and i had to buy her another one, and she likes it) tried to get my Mom to buy her relative's dog, and my Mother lies and acts like an insolent and insidious teenager, and then says she doesn't remember. And, this friend takes offense with me and doesn't understand that I need to be kept in the loop, and she won't follow my guidelines concerning my Mother. And, once she leaves, I am left to pick up the pieces, and it is awful, and she just is not welcome. What legal rights do I have to tell the friend that she cannot visit and/or spend-the-night? She spends 3 to 4 nights at a time. Just the negativity she brings and the stress. It is awful. And, she is a bad influence. She's rude, arrogant, disrespectful, and I am trying to keep things positive. I don't trust her or my Mom, especially, when they are together. She is on a lot of pain medication, too, which I have a problem with when it comes to her driving my Mother places around town, too. If I tell her she has to butt-out, or that she is not allowed in my Mom's house, or not allowed to be with my Mother, I want the law on my side if it comes to me having to make this stance with her. Can anyone help advise me on how to handle? And, if it doesn't stop, what legal recourse do I have to back up my words if she doesn't listen and stays away?

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Easy fix when it comes to the spending issues, take away Mom's credit cards [tell her there has been a breach on the cards and the bank said to cut them up], and take away Mom's checkbook or have checks made where two signatures are required. Give your Mom an allowance that is within reason, and if Mom spends it all and ask for more, tell her it's not in the budget.

One does have to step back when it comes to elder's friends. Your Mom needs to be around someone closer to her own age group to talk to. You may not like this friend, but your Mom does. Let her have the fun.

Think of it this way, this friend is giving you free time when she is there with your Mom, the friend is looking out for her. Tell the friend to make sure Mom doesn't get any alcoholic as it could make her very sick due to medicine she is taking... I am sure Mom's friend wouldn't want to do anything to make her friend sick.

As for the laptop, was it your Mom's laptop, and what was the reason that her friend smashed the laptop? There had to be some type of disagreement. Did her friend break it or did Mom, but Mom told you someone else broke it?
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Your mother's friend probably thinks she is on your mother's side against her over-protective, over-controlling, bossy, miserable, cheese-paring no fun puritanical Stasi daughter.

She is, however, even if there could be a tiny grain of truth to her point of view, overcompensating to the point of irresponsibility.

Your duty as your mother's POA is to assist your mother to make the choices she would have made in her previous right mind. Your duty as your mother's primary caregiver is to keep her as safe and healthy and happy as possible within the limits of her physical and mental frailties. You have a problem, because there is a conflict between those two things.

You probably could get heavy, legally, and forbid your mother's friend's staying in the house. But the point is, your mother doesn't want that. She wants to have her friend to stay. Your mission - if you choose to accept it - is to make that happen in a way that is as safe as possible.

Your mother's friend doesn't owe you respect, let alone obedience. So. You will either have to earn her respect, and persuade her to comply with the ground rules; or you will have to impose restrictions on your mother's social life that, to be blunt, it would be wrong to impose.
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I agree with Uncle Dave; this is not about YOU not being respected. This is about your mother, who sounds like a vulnerable adult, being exploited. Call APS.
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Although it is a pain if these spending sprees take place over only a few days you can probably return items and cancel contracts. If the smashed computer wasn't replaced then it is mom who will have to bear the consequences, just be sure she knows who to blame. (not you!)
Mom is sneaking around like a teenager and you are acting the rigid parent, I think you need to extract yourself from that role and just be "cheerful and stupid" about these sprees, I hope they don't happen too often? Be glad that the friend doesn't live close enough to visit every day.
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Document everything this woman has done. Then contact local law enforcement authorities or the local/county PPO (personal protection order) office and ask what qualifications constitute financial abuse. Also inquire if anger management, manipulation and other actions of this woman are grounds for a PPO.

If so, request that a PPO be issued. In our county, when I got one several years ago, it was an ex-parte action, i.e., no court hearing was required.

As 1/2 owner of the house, you have rights as well. Draw up a list of prohibited behaviors, present it to the woman, and continue to document her abuse of your terms. She's going to challenge you; use it to your advantage.

There's also the issue of protecting your mother, as your mother will probably want to continue to have this woman in her life. Detail what she does and how it might be welcome to your mother, then (and this is a hard part) find ways to substitute for what this woman brings into your mother's life.

Good luck.
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I sympathise with the sheer wearisomeness of having to trail round after a visit sweeping up.

Bear this in mind, though: if your mother gives you her own, er, interesting version of events, it is very probably that your mother also gives this friend a similarly distorted picture. So, for example, with the credit cards, your mother might tell her 'oh, Daughter says I spend too much - she's taken all my cards and put them in the incinerator.' And, swallowing this story whole, Friend indignantly sets about helping her get new ones.

Do you, really, think it probable that the friend 'smashed the laptop up with a hammer'? I mean, it's possible; and I speak as one who was driven by enraged frustration to physical abuse of an iPod Touch (my own, though). It's just it seems to me a more likely scenario that Friend saw your text, thought "is she nuts?", and decided not to bother replying.

Someone needs to communicate to the friend:

Mother really has got dementia. No, really, she has.
Dementia does some very odd things to the brain. Here is a leaflet explaining a few common, but still extremely weird, effects you might expect to see.
Befriending a person with dementia, and being a true friend to that person, means taking into account that they need help to stay safe and not be exploited. Please find out more about this.

If she won't listen to you, and you've tried putting this as nicely as you can in writing, then ask someone else to act as *your mother's* advocate with the friend. After all, it isn't your convenience you're most concerned about, it's your mother's welfare - and her welfare includes keeping her well-informed friends. Doctor, nurse, mutual acquaintance, policeman if need be - think of someone who can be the messenger for you.
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Before everyone jumps all over me I want to reiterate - dssmiles, I am 100% on your side. Now - please don't do or say anything rash, something that could be used against you in court if you pursue guardianship and it is contested. A judge may agree that your mother is incompetent but may also appoint someone else if your actions are deemed heavy-handed or inappropriate. This is not like a situation where parents are trying to protect their minor teen-age daughter from an unscrupulous older man. This is a full grown woman with the legal right to make bad decisions and poor choices. Put this situation in the hands of an opposing attorney - daughter is trying to isolate her mother from her friends, not allowing mother to live as she chooses and is restricting/withholding mothers own money from her. It doesn't matter if the daughter only has the best of intentions - these actions are not legal as long as the mother is considered to be a competent adult. Another risk - what if daughters actions chap moms hide enough that mother decides to remove her as DPOA? Worse yet - mom decides to appoint this friend as DPOA! God knows this woman could be filling mothers head with all kind of garbage. Dssmiles- keep your head and start an action plan for being awarded guardianship- begin with hiring an attorney who specializes in elder care. But in the mean time do not make this woman your enemy - at least not so far as she's aware of.
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Dssmiles- I'm glad you get where I'm coming from. A few years ago my mom was out of control with writting checks - forty or so a month to charity requests she got in the mail plus others for personal stuff. Mom had made a mess of the account and asked me to balance her checkbook. After four hours I finally gave up. Mom had ordered checks several times and was writing checks from multiple books, not in any sequencial order, not recording in the ledger etc. So I gathered up all the checks, made sure she had a full book of checks in her purse and also left a full book if checks in her apartment- explained to her that I would replenish her stash if checks as they ran low but I was trying to at least keep things in some type of numerical order to help when balancing the account. Fine? Fine. The next thing I know mom is telling anyone who will listen that I'm not letting her have any of her money and that I took it all. So - I learned the hard way how the best of intentions to help and protect my mother, can be twisted and turned - to make me look like the bad guy.
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Another idea would be to buddy up to the friend when she's at mom's. "Ladies, I've got you appointments for pedicures. Tomorrow I have scheduled an Uber (or taxi) to pick you up to take you out to lunch and on Day #3, you have a movie scheduled at the nearby theater." Maybe try to "control" their fun to a certain extent. Would that be something that might work?
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It disturbed me to read that you found alcohol in the house, considering your mother's history. I gather it is her home but your house. I think you are taking a very balanced view. I don't see you as trying to isolate your mother or keep her from her friend as such, but trying to protect her from things that are harmful to her in one way or another. Personally I see the alcohol as a red flag such that I could not say "Let them be and have their fun". Alcoholism is a serious disease and very few drinks could set her back on that path. Have you discussed this with the doctor that helped get her sober? Hope the lawyer will be able to help you. I know we are often walking very thin lines when it comes to making decisions for ailing parents. I think you only want what is best for her, and that is not always easy to discern. Let us know how the lawyers visit goes.
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