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My Mother's Friend comes and spends 3 to 4 nights from out-of-town with my Mother. She refuses to accept my Mother's dementia diagnosis, along with no alcohol, and keeping me in the loop of what's going on when she visits. She drives my Mother anywhere she wants to go. And, my Mother spends money on things she doesn't need, or over spends, period, and the friend doesn't respect my wishes as caregiver, daughter, and D.P.O.A., and told me in so many words to butt-out, and that she isn't friends with me, but my Mom, and to leave her alone, and to quit telling her what to do, and her friendship is with my Mom and not me. My Mother is a recovering alcoholic since the beginning of this year. And, she has dementia, and she cannot drive. She has, also, been diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder. My Mom has a lot of problems with managing money, and I have to help my Mother with everything that requires making sound decisions, and help keep her away from alcohol. I, also, drive her everywhere, take her to all medical appointments, make all financial and business decisions. I am responsible for my Mom. This friend is an enabler, and she doesn't respect me, and I don't want her around my Mother driving her all over the place, and spending several nights and days at a time. Her last trip, she smashed a laptop with a hammer and threw away, took my Mom to a new hearing specialist, where my Mom bought new hearing aides, took her to buy a walker (my Mother hates, and i had to buy her another one, and she likes it) tried to get my Mom to buy her relative's dog, and my Mother lies and acts like an insolent and insidious teenager, and then says she doesn't remember. And, this friend takes offense with me and doesn't understand that I need to be kept in the loop, and she won't follow my guidelines concerning my Mother. And, once she leaves, I am left to pick up the pieces, and it is awful, and she just is not welcome. What legal rights do I have to tell the friend that she cannot visit and/or spend-the-night? She spends 3 to 4 nights at a time. Just the negativity she brings and the stress. It is awful. And, she is a bad influence. She's rude, arrogant, disrespectful, and I am trying to keep things positive. I don't trust her or my Mom, especially, when they are together. She is on a lot of pain medication, too, which I have a problem with when it comes to her driving my Mother places around town, too. If I tell her she has to butt-out, or that she is not allowed in my Mom's house, or not allowed to be with my Mother, I want the law on my side if it comes to me having to make this stance with her. Can anyone help advise me on how to handle? And, if it doesn't stop, what legal recourse do I have to back up my words if she doesn't listen and stays away?

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Dssmiles: Well, if she IS still under the influence of pain meds while behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, she WILL have a felony charge on her record and be in prison if she kills someone!
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It's getting the respect is the problem. Yes, she drives while taking pain medication, if I am not mistaken. I know she takes at night. And, I know that she used to take during the day. But, I am not sure at this time if she still takes during the day. Elder lawyer on vacation this week. I will try again next week on that part.
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Dssmiles: You're very welcome! Believe me, I know what's elder caregiving is like; really, I do! I had to leave my home and family and move in with my late mother 400 miles away.
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Thank you. I think I deserve respect, too. I'm hanging in there. Been trying to do several of you alls suggestions above. I will try to write more tonight, or soon. All advice and suggestions are good, and have helped me a lot on different ways. Everyone enjoy your evening. 😊
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60 Comments | +Follow Comments
What is Durable Power of Attorney?

A durable power of attorney (POA) enables your elderly parent (called the "principal" in the power of attorney document) to appoint an "agent," such as a trusted relative or friend, to handle specific health, legal and financial responsibilities.

There are two types of power of attorney:

POA for healthcare: Gives a designated person the authority to make health care decisions on behalf of the person.

POA for finances: Gives a designated person the authority to make legal/financial decisions on behalf of the person.

Families should prepare these legal documents long before someone starts having trouble handling certain aspects of life. At the time of the signing, the elderly person establishing a durable power of attorney must be capable of deciding to seek assistance. For example, people in late stages of Alzheimer's disease may not be "of sound mind" and therefore unable to appoint a POA

Like a trust, a durable power of attorney can be written so that the transfer of responsibilities occurs immediately. Or, the POA can state that the POA goes into effect when your elderly parent becomes incapacitated. Until that point, the elder can choose to continue to make decisions on his/her own.

A durable power of attorney is essential because if a person becomes incapacitated or incompetent without preparing this document, family and friends will not be allowed to make many important financial decisions, pay bills or make important healthcare decisions on behalf of their parent. Nor can they do crucial Medicaid planning. Anyone who wishes to undertake these tasks would have to go to court and be officially appointed the person's guardian.

There are several ways that a POA can written, each of which enables the person who is the power of attorney to makes various, and different levels of decisions. For example, the document might say the POA has the authority to pay bills or sell certain assets. Or POA could extend to all financial decisions, including selling the family home, managing all assets, and dealing with the I.R.S.

People often balk at the thought of preparing and signing a durable power of attorney. The elder may feel as if he/she is losing independence, and this may be something that the person doesn't want to acknowledge. An equally fearsome thought is that the agent they appoint will go against their wishes.

It's essential, of course, to choose an agent wisely and to discuss the scope of the responsibility. The document can be revised or revoked at any time, as long as the person who signed it is considered competent. Otherwise, it stays in force until the principal dies. To learn more about the durable power of attorney, speak with a lawyer who has expertise in estate planning.
Next: The Difference Between a POA, Durable POA and Living Will

Read more about: durable poa, durable power of attorney
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Churchmouse: Totally disagree! The daughter is to get respect from this friend! Period!
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Dssmiles: I have an idea. You could have a bed for you and one for mom; that's it! No bed for the friend to curl up on for days on end. Change out the couch to a love seat if you have to. Also, is the friend the one taking the pain meds? If so, then she should NOT be getting behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. Good heavens! She'll be cited for vehicular manslaughter if she kills someone. A car is a weapon in the wrong hands! You could record what you say to this woman and she back to you with your phone if it has that capability; then you will have proof that you've informed her of YOUR rules. Oh, yes, the darn school-girl laugh from your mom. I am all too familiar with that as my late mother did the same thing! So annoying!
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Hello! I'm wondering how you are doing?

Hopefully you are looking for you attorney / information, etc.

How's mom?

Friend been back?

Thinking of you,

M 8 8
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You're brave, and filling out the bottle with water was brilliant!

I am so sorry for the whole thing you're going through.

Hang tight!

M88
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Yes, exactly. When I found the alcohol, I poured almost all of it out and filled back up to where it was with water. I very seldom am able to be in the house by myself. She will be 75 years old this year.
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I think we're all coming to the same conclusion that it is a difficult situation. If doctors would declare her incompetent, it would be a first step in taking over the finances. I wonder in this situation is a conservatorship would be enough or would a full guardianship be better? Right now money and alcohol are the main issues. Would a guardianship be better when considering future concerns? Dssmiles, I don't envy the task before you. You want to let your mother enjoy her life, but not create problems while she is doing it.
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It disturbed me to read that you found alcohol in the house, considering your mother's history. I gather it is her home but your house. I think you are taking a very balanced view. I don't see you as trying to isolate your mother or keep her from her friend as such, but trying to protect her from things that are harmful to her in one way or another. Personally I see the alcohol as a red flag such that I could not say "Let them be and have their fun". Alcoholism is a serious disease and very few drinks could set her back on that path. Have you discussed this with the doctor that helped get her sober? Hope the lawyer will be able to help you. I know we are often walking very thin lines when it comes to making decisions for ailing parents. I think you only want what is best for her, and that is not always easy to discern. Let us know how the lawyers visit goes.
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Dssmiles- I'm glad you get where I'm coming from. A few years ago my mom was out of control with writting checks - forty or so a month to charity requests she got in the mail plus others for personal stuff. Mom had made a mess of the account and asked me to balance her checkbook. After four hours I finally gave up. Mom had ordered checks several times and was writing checks from multiple books, not in any sequencial order, not recording in the ledger etc. So I gathered up all the checks, made sure she had a full book of checks in her purse and also left a full book if checks in her apartment- explained to her that I would replenish her stash if checks as they ran low but I was trying to at least keep things in some type of numerical order to help when balancing the account. Fine? Fine. The next thing I know mom is telling anyone who will listen that I'm not letting her have any of her money and that I took it all. So - I learned the hard way how the best of intentions to help and protect my mother, can be twisted and turned - to make me look like the bad guy.
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Dssmiles DO call the elder lawyer
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Rainmom, exactly, I don't know that the above could happen or couldn't and want to make sure I am staying within the letter of the law, because I can see my Mom being sucked up in this friend's ego, and only caring that she has won, period, no matter how much damage comes to my Mother, or our family in the end.

Yes, my Mother lives alone, and she wants to keep it that way, because she doesn't think she has a problem. She has been tested by a neuropsychologist, and she did diagnose her with Dementia, and major depression. My Mother hides things, and she will not just turn over cards. I don't find out about them until a bill comes. Freezing the credit is a good protection. And, I do feel like i am putting off the inevitable with seeking the guardianship. I will call the elder lawyer that did the D.P.O.A., and see what he suggests and what steps need to be taken. Also, I am not trying to isolate my Mom, but I know it could be spun that way. Thank you for this advice. I don't want to be like the person who just fell off the turnip truck, and need to see all angles, to keep anything from going side ways, to make sure that i am doing my best in my Mom's best interest. I can't do this if I don't know the negatives and the positives of how to deal with this problem. Thank you All for your input. It is very much appreciated.
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Dssmiles- I re-read all your posts so I don't think I missed it - how old is your mother?
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MaryKathleen- personally, I don't necessarily feel the OP is trying to isolate her mother. I was trying to point out what an opposing attorney may say if this situation makes it to the guardianship phase and the mother decides to challenge. The position I'm coming from is - hopefully what the OP originally asked - and that is what could legally be done. The answer - until she has guardianship over her mother- not much. I'm encouraging her to think and act responsibly and legally so if and when guardianship is at hand she has not hurt her own position.
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From a legal standpoint, your mother can invite the devil himself to stay over if she so chooses. It's her house. She has the right to make bad choices right up until the day a judge grants you Guardian status. Beware, your mother also has the right to tell the judge she would rather have the enabler as a Guardian. There is a very fine line between making bad choices and having dementia. Be sure you know the difference.
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1. I have a parent who has dementia & now been diagnosed with Alzheimers. I totally understand what you are going through. I have legal guardianship over both my parents granted to me by the kind state of Nevada after my prents themselves in the hospital 3xs for self-denying. 2. YOU know what's best for your Mom & if red-flags go up about this "friend", then follow your gut instinct & do whatever it takes (legally & otherwise) to distance your Mom from this friend. Your Mom has dementia - an insidious disease - and she does NOT nor will she ever - understand the ramifications of her actions. 3. SOME of the advise on your topic is helpful, i.e. take away credit cards when friend comes to visit, bank cards (give your Mom cash only to spend when her friend shows up). 4. Even if you only have a DPOA, for now, get with your Mom's Geriatric Psychiatrist & they will help you proceed in getting guardianship. Better to do it now, then wait until things get worse. 5. If you are taking care of your Mom, you should be afforded a measure of respect!
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What legal rights do I have.... NONE NADA

Let Adult Protective Services get involved.
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I do wonder about the hearing aide purchase. Usually those things have to be set up over time, so I don't know how they accomplished this in 3-4 days. She must be a fast operator. If things like this are a problem, I think I would seek conservatorship. This would allow your mother to keep some freedom, Dssmiles, but you could keep the purse strings tight. I do wonder how you could keep the alcohol away, especially with the other woman taking pain pills. Oy. That would be worrisome.

But sometimes we have to let others make bad decisions and hope for the best. All you can do is plant suggestions on what to do when she comes to town unless you're with her the entire time.
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Rainmom, you are right on the money. I too wondered after reading the first post, why she is isolating her mom. Too, another way to look at it, if she does go into a NH, and all her savings are used up, the state may come after her home and all your trying to save her assets would have been for nothing.
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NO, NO, NO, a newly recovered alcoholic does not advice from her old drinking buds!
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Another idea would be to buddy up to the friend when she's at mom's. "Ladies, I've got you appointments for pedicures. Tomorrow I have scheduled an Uber (or taxi) to pick you up to take you out to lunch and on Day #3, you have a movie scheduled at the nearby theater." Maybe try to "control" their fun to a certain extent. Would that be something that might work?
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911 mother's friend driving a vulnerable adult while under the influence.

Maybe daughter should be driving?
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If it's only 3 or 4 nights out of a year or so, I wouldn't worry. Let the old girls have some fun while they can. Just no drinking, since she is a recovering alcoholic.
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Mom is an adult, she can choose! After friend leaves, consequences for the insolent teenager are that you are not around two days before the visit and 7 days after. Maybe Mom will choose your help instead?
O dear, that won't work, will it?
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Dssmiles, For you-Alanon. You said "I have to help keep her away from alcohol".

Maybe the rules change with dementia, mental illness, and alcohol?

I can really understand they are both driving you nuts.
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Schedule daily AA meetings at your mother's home. (gatherings for coffee and tea) after the meetings. Hey, if Mom doesn't have some good friends at AA she can call to reign in her former drinking buddy, hang out with them to prevent slips, she shoulda coulda would have an AA friend!
Agreeing with Rainmom-make friends, not enemies.
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Before everyone jumps all over me I want to reiterate - dssmiles, I am 100% on your side. Now - please don't do or say anything rash, something that could be used against you in court if you pursue guardianship and it is contested. A judge may agree that your mother is incompetent but may also appoint someone else if your actions are deemed heavy-handed or inappropriate. This is not like a situation where parents are trying to protect their minor teen-age daughter from an unscrupulous older man. This is a full grown woman with the legal right to make bad decisions and poor choices. Put this situation in the hands of an opposing attorney - daughter is trying to isolate her mother from her friends, not allowing mother to live as she chooses and is restricting/withholding mothers own money from her. It doesn't matter if the daughter only has the best of intentions - these actions are not legal as long as the mother is considered to be a competent adult. Another risk - what if daughters actions chap moms hide enough that mother decides to remove her as DPOA? Worse yet - mom decides to appoint this friend as DPOA! God knows this woman could be filling mothers head with all kind of garbage. Dssmiles- keep your head and start an action plan for being awarded guardianship- begin with hiring an attorney who specializes in elder care. But in the mean time do not make this woman your enemy - at least not so far as she's aware of.
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