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Dear Broken,

I am very sorry for your loss. The way your father suffered is terribly sad.

Unfortunately. the situation that you are experiencing with your mom is fairly common. Certainly, there are specific cultural differences but this situation exists among all cultures. I feel it’s more of a generational situation.

‘Old fashioned’ mothers, absolutely expect more from their daughters, than their sons. My mom did this with me all of my life. I will give her credit though. At the end of her life, she recognized her behavior and apologized to me. I was shocked but gladly accepted her sincere apology.

Do not judge yourself based on her opinion of you. Also, please know that you are in control of your life. She has the power to control her behavior in her life. She has no right to blame you for her behavior. Do you feel that unresolved grief over your dad is contributing to the situation? Would she participate in a grief support group? Some are held in the evening or weekends. You can offer to attend with her.

Anyway, I feel your pain. I hear your frustration in your words. I understand that it hurts. Wishing you all the best. Do whatever you need to do in order to find peace and healing for you. If that means seeking therapy for you, walking away from your mom to have a happy life, so be it.
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Brokenheart0504 Jul 2021
Thank you for your kind words. They mean a whole lot to me. I greatly appreciate you taking the time to reply to my question. Thank you.
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Two issues – living your own life in your own house, and how to deal with this message.
The most important one is to start living your own life in your own house. This arrangement is actually ridiculous!
Regarding the message, it almost sounds as though it was copied from a book. My own mother said something similar to me long ago, but she was semi-paralysed from a stroke, having a difficult menopause, not able to work, stuck at home and lonely. I cried, and we made up. Your mother has no excuses at all. If she’s working, the chances are her language skills can improve if she tries.

When you can, you do need to talk to her (or write), explain why you can’t provide all the companionship she needs, and tell her that her life is her own to live. If it’s too hard for you, see if your husband can do it. He has less ‘skin in the game’. Good luck!
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Brokenheart0504 Jul 2021
Thank you so much for your advice! I appreciate you taking the time to reply. Gives me a sense of hope.
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Brokenheart0504,

I'm sorry to hear that your mother isn't interested in having any kind of a social life.
If she just wants to stay miserable and lonely, there's nothing you can do about it. Just remember, misery loves company.
Don't fall into her trap and become her emotional dumping ground.
She isn't old and is even still working. If she wants to have a life she can still get one for herself. If she doesn't there's nothing you can do for her.
PS. I think it's sweet how you thank everyone for giving you a response. That's very nice.
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Brokenheart0504 Jul 2021
Hi and of course I want to thank you for taking the time to respond to my question! I’m shocked that there are still kind people out there that take the time to analyze someone else’s problem and try to offer any helpful advice. I love how you noticed my replies. It’s been difficult with my father passing and to be honest right now life seems dull and confusing. I try to stay strong for my daughters and my mother, but it gets hard. Once again, thank you for your kind words and time. I truly appreciate it.
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Ignore it. As you have learned, neglecting your own family and your own home has consequences. Your mother is ungrateful. She will never change. Her emotional needs will only increase. And at some point - 10, 20 years in the future - her physical needs will increase too. Your marriage and your children come first.

But if you do text her back, the only thing I would write is "Mother, I read your angry and sarcastic text message. I will not allow you to treat me like that. I expect an apology."
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you for your reply and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.
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Are you sure your mother wrote that text?
Do the words she uses sound like her? I assume it wasn't written in English, since you say she doesn't speak the language well, but could anyone have dictated it for her to translate?

Anyway. She let it be sent.

She's 62 and working full-time. She's basically fine, then, or she wouldn't be holding down a job.

How do you want to respond to the text?
When you last spoke to her, how did you feel after the conversation?
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I'm so sorry for your distress. Your mother is still young - younger than I am - if she is healthy and working she should be able to care for herself and her home. If it needs work; she hires someone to take care of it - maybe even her wayward son who lives 30 minutes away.

I'm sorry but I laughed when I read your mother guilting message. It was a horrible thing for her to do to you especially for all that you and your family has done for her. I agree with Lealonnie1 and Joann29 on how you should respond to your mother.

Mom needs a reality check - she's guilting you - has she ever thanked you for all you've done for her? You've given you mother more than enough time to move on with her life. I say stay at home and take care of business. You need to set boundaries letting mom know what is and isn't acceptable. As a parent she was responsible to you as you are to your own children - not the other way round. I do believe in caring for my mother as she needs it - but no to the exclusion of everything else.

I wish you and your family the best.
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you for reading and appreciate
all your advice. It means a lot to me.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone dealing with a mean-sounding parent. I'm originally from India and my mom and grandma used to guilt me every time I called from USA. Maybe it's a cultural thing indeed...who knows... anyway, I learned to change the topic when they would dwell on "why I didn't call last week" This was in the days of landline, But I remember the feeling of not wanting to call them at all because the first ten minutes would spent on "why I didn't call sooner. " Now my mom has dementia, lives with me and doesn't remember any of this. Grandma passed away long ago. My husband sometimes says my mother has pushed away my brother and other family members due to her smart-alecky, snarky talk. But even if it's cultural, I'd never do this to my children but would respect their time and be ok with them calling/texting at their convenience.

Like the others said, please start putting your happiness and your life first esp, since your mom is still strong and working and is capable of having her own life.
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you so much for your time in replying to my situation. I appreciate your response.
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You say "She has always been this way".
I think you just answered your own question.
My own personal response would be the following:
Dear Mom,
I recognize you have had a dreadful loss, and am so proud of how you--how we ALL--responded to care for Dad. I know you will have now a lot of depression and sad moments. As will we all. I know your loss of your life's companion is so much more painful than any of us can imagine; but we have also sustained a loss of our own.
I have done what I could for Dad, and for you, Mom. I am a human being with many limitations. I am afraid I can never be all you expect me to be. I am sorry for that.
You asked a question and you deserve an answer Mom. So let me tell you that I do not call you because calls to you make me more unhappy than I was before said calls. Just now I must care for myself so that I can be here for my own family. I cannot afford to spend more time than currently I am in comforting you. I hope you will consider therapeutic help. I hope this will help you move forward through your grief and into eventual celebration of Dad's good life, and an ability to move forward with you life, making friends and having many quality years. Sadly I cannot be responsible for whether you do seek help or you do not. I have my own family, my own life to live.
If in future you feel I have let you down, that is fine. I am aware of that. But I do not plan to change. I am happy with my own life and I live satisfied. I know my own limitations. I am far from Sainthood, but truth told when we are Saints they will fill us full of arrows, kill us, and pray to us to make their lives whole for eternity.
I will check in with you Mom at least weekly. But do know ahead of time that my own limitations will prevent me from being a good deal of help to you other than to tell you I am so sorry for our loss, and I am proud of how we worked together for Dad.
I love you.
Your Daughter.
Do not enable your mother in her bullying ways. Make is clear that you will not be present for bullying. Meanwhile celebrate what you did for your Dad. It is truly wonderful. And celebrate his life. Make a journal of wonderful memories, train your mind to walk paths of love and forgiveness and joy, and celebrate your family lest this be passed to them.
I so wish you the best. You should be so proud of yourself for all you have done, and for still caring in some way about a woman who "has always been this way". She is flawed, as are we all; she is grieving and anger is so much more easy to "go to" than grief.
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Tribe16 Jun 2021
This is a poignant and spot-on response. I am saving this too for the future.
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I am in total agreement with JoAnn29 and lealonnie1! Take their advice and claim your life again! All my best to you❤
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.
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"Hi mom, I'm you're daughter. Remember me? I'm the one who's been spending 3 years with you, at my own expense, taking care of you, dad, your house, and everything else while neglecting my own home, my own health, and my own family. It's time now for me to move on with my OWN life and stay in my own home with my own family, but feel free to call me any time to chat. I love you and am happy to chat anytime. But this guilt trip you're trying to lay on me won't work, sorry. I've done all I can do for you and I hear no thanks in your message at all, which hurts me greatly."

Cultural thing or not, your mother has no right to lay a guilt trip of THIS magnitude on you after all you've done. She has very, very poor communication skills so she's pulling this passive/aggressive trick out to shame you into compliance. Let her know it won't work. Sorry mom, I love you but I love MYSELF and my family, too, who I've neglected in my quest to help you all this time. That's the message you need to convey to her, in any way you see fit. She'll be angry, oh well. Set down the boundaries YOU want with her and let her know the terms. She CAN indeed join clubs or groups if she wants to; she's just decided not to b/c she's chosen you to be her entertainment committee. Once you quit that job, she will have no other choice but to find her socialization elsewhere.

I am 64 years old next week and I would NEVER treat my children this way. It's wrong on every single level to guilt one's children into compliance with a mother's wishes. "Forgiving" your mother will only encourage her to keep playing the guilt card with you to get her way. Strong-arming you into her way or the highway. Toughen up now and lay down the boundaries; it's okay to forgive her THEN, once she knows the new rules and understands them. Otherwise, she wins and you lose.

You can love someone and still be unwilling to be held emotionally hostage by them. It's called respect. She owes you respect in the same way she's demanding it from you.

Stand up for yourself. You deserve to!

GOOD LUCK!
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
I’m in tears reading this. Thank you so much for your reply it gave me
goosebumps reading it and makes me realize many things that I’m blinded to see myself. I love my mother but think her message was somewhat cruel. Your very smart and have a great outlook on things. Once again thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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A good place to start "bookwise" with setting boundaries is a book called "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. It's written from a Christian perspective; don't know if that's your faith or not, but it's not intrusive or overly preachy.

There are lots of people who confuse the Biblical command to "honor your father and mother" with "give up your life for your parents. So this book makes it VERY clear that that's not what we are expected to do. And that setting boundaries is both Christian and healthy.
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you so much! I will look for this book and hope it could give me some guidance.
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Your mom is only 62. There's the very possible chance she'll live 30 more years. You need to fix this now, before it becomes the 'norm'.

I'm turning 65 next week and have 5 kids. I would NEVER send any of them a letter of such negative persuasion as your mom did--but perhaps this is more a cultural thing. And you DID kind of 'ditch' her after several long months of being there. Not saying what she did was right, by ANY means, but understanding that she probably thought you were going to be there forever, if you didn't talk about it first.

I'd let it simmer for a while. You are, of course, going to go back to mom's at some point. Have a heart to heart with her and lay out some ideas of things she can do to get a life now your dad is gone. She's probably scared to be alone. Maybe she doesn't have many friends, or a church support group. IDK. But she needs to know you aren't going to dump her, now dad is gone. You need to carve out a different kind of relationship now and she needs to be more independent.

As far as brother being so elusive--well, that happens and sadly, it does seem to happen more often with sons. My son NEVER calls me and that's just the way it is. All family energy is towards his wife's family and once I realized and accepted that, things got better. I expect nothing from him and am not disappointed.

Forgive her the letter. We've all sent things that should have remained 'unspoken'. It was wrong of her, but you be the bigger person and let it go.

Take care of YOU. You've done the lion's share and you need to heal.

((Hugs))
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you for taking the time to read about my situation and replying. I appreciate all your advice.
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This is a cultural thing, right?

My Mom lost my Dad at the age of 78. I NEVER felt that I had to be there every day. She had her friends and her Church. I lived 5 min away if she needed me. We attended Church together and she went out with us to dinner once a week. I never felt I needed to call her everyday and she never asked for it.

You should have set Boundries 3 years ago. There was no reason you needed to pick up your family every 3 weeks to stay with Mom. It was not fair to your children or your husband. Mom should have been doing most of the care for your father, not his daughter. So now you set boundries. Its time. Get your house cleaned up and move back in. Mom works so she has some socialization. If she has no friends thats her problem not yours. Seems brother is back in the picture, let him be her entertainment. You have been it for quite a while.

What I would tell her "Mom, that message you sent me made me realize you have been too dependent on me and my family. I feel its time for me and mine to get our lives back and you too. Its not good at 62 to depend on us like u have been. You need to have a life separate from us. So me and mine are moving back to our home where we belong."
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Hi and thank you for responding! It means so much to me! I believe it has to stem from cultural needs? We are from Europe/Poland. I feel like there’s so much more to all that has happened in my family. I feel guilty for not calling her, however I don’t understand why she can’t pick up the phone and call me??
Her needs are more of feeling lonely, alone, and not having anyone. So this is where I come in with my family. However I'm hurt by the message she sent me, and I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive about it but I feel it was wrong for her to write that to me. Thank you for your advice, believe it or not, it means the world.
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You have done more than enough. This woman can take care of herself. You should begin taking care of yourself, your family, and your home. I agree with ignoring the message. Call her regularly and visit when needed or for holidays. If she brings up the mean message, tell her you did not get it. If she wants to begin talking about the points in the mean message, tell her there is somebody at the door and you have to answer it.

I cannot tell you the number of times I used the imaginary doorbell to get off the phone.
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you for replying !! I appreciate it so much.
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If she's 62, working full time and healthy, it sounds as if she's been getting a lot more from your family in the past 3 years than she really needs! Shame on her for taking advantage of you. Distance yourself and set boundaries now, before she becomes elderly and/or sick.

Your gut tells you to respond, and your gut tells you you're exhausted, so I'd reply to her? "I know it seems as if I've disappeared, but I still care. I'm exhausted from working, raising kids and helping out over there the past three years. Also still grieving for my father, feeling depressed, and need to tend to my own life. We need to get you some help because I can't be your one and only anymore." And then procure some help. It sounds as if her needs are minimal at this point, fortunately, so that shouldn't be too hard.

You are a wonderfully good example for your daughters, btw
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you so much for your reply! Her needs are more of wanting “company” than anything. Once again thank you for responding.
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Your husband told you right. Ignore it. Take his advice.
You are correct about mothers with their daughters and sons.
The sun rises and sets on the son even if they do absolutely nothing or treat mom badly. Whereas with a daughter she can be the best person on earth and do everything to please mother, and will be treated with less respect than a bag of garbage that gets thrown into a dumpster.
You have your own family and home. You cannot leave your family by the wayside and abandon your house because your mother is lonely and wants a live-in servant to dump on.
You say she's 62 years old and works a full-time job. She is perfectly capable of taking care of herself just fine. Maybe she could rent a room in her house to a boarder. Give them a good price if they'd be willing to do chores around the house. She could even get one who's the same ethnicity as her and who speaks her native language.
Your mom is not an old woman who needs a caregiver yet. She needs a life. Are there any social clubs in her area that she can join to meet people from her country who speak her language? There very well might be a community where she lives and this would be great for her. Help her check these things out and good luck.
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you for taking the time and responding! It means the world to me.
As for her joining social clubs, she isn’t interested in meeting anyone or making any friends. My mother is from Europe and it’s difficult to find anyone that speaks the language. The few times
that we did, she hasn’t wanted to hang out with them she just wants to stay home. Once again I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
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Wow. I wouldn't respond. Maybe you need to take a page out of your brother's book.

Read up on F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

Not a healthy mother/adult child dynamic.
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you for replying! I will look into that book. I don’t know where to look for guidance, and a book sounds like a good start.
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"I have a brother who is younger than me and has never been around or helped out with anything. He left the house at 18 years old and fast forward 20 + years and he just recently started calling my mom. A while back I asked her; why don’t you ask him, why he has never reached out to you through all the hardships. Why didn’t he ever sent you a “Happy Mother’s” message? Her response was, maybe he changed and anyhow sons are different from daughters with their moms."

Where does this brother live?
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Hello, my brother lives 30 min away. He did not get along with my father and so he moved out at 18 years old. Then few times over the years he has showed up to ask for money, but that’s it. The first time my mother saw him is when he showed up to my fathers funeral. He has since been messaging my mother and posted on social media stating he is relieved of my fathers passing because my mother can have a relationship with his kids. ALL LIES AND MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH. My father never forbid my mother to not talk to him or not have any relationships. My father was kind, helpful, but strong opinionated. That’s where they would butt heads.
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I’m sorry for the loss of your father, and that he went through such a tough diagnosis and sad progression to the end. I’m sure he knew your love. The text from your mother was unnecessary and rude. None of us has children, goes through childbirth and raising them, in order to get some kind of “payback” later on. In a healthy relationship we raise our children to fly on their own. Know that your mother isn’t changing, her patterns of behavior are well established by now. It’s likely why your brother has long kept his distance. It’s very common for mother’s to put different expectations on daughters than their sons, but it’s wrong anyway. The good news is that you’re an adult who gets to decide what you will and won’t allow in your life. Focus now on your home and family, not to mention your own health and healing. As for that text, when you decide to call your mom, act like it never happened. Don’t accept any guilting, you’ve been a good daughter and I wish you the best
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Brokenheart0504 Jun 2021
Thank you for all your kind advice and sweet words. I appreciate you taking the time to write back to me, it helps me in so many ways to read these things, as I’m feeling somewhat lost. Thank you.
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