I'm forever grateful for anyone that takes the time to read this and has any advice or opinion on my situation. I’m happy for finding this website that seems to have many knowledgeable and supportive people who have been through similar experiences or offer advice to help others heal, and endure through hardships with family members.
My story is long, but I will try to get to the point quickly. My father passed away 2 years ago from a vicious battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). It’s been devastatingly hard to keep moving forward. Since the beginning of his first fall, to the day were he laid paralyzed from head to toe, I was present with my 7 and 12 year old daughters; helping out my mother as a caretaker, changing his diapers, feeding him, etc. Any few spare minutes I had, I would attend to my daughters while choking on tears. I worked 40 + hour/week and had to manage to take him to numerous doctors and therapy appointments. My mother knowing limited English, also worked, however wouldn’t go to any of his appointments saying she had to stay home and cook, or clean.
Since my fathers passing, my family (2 daughters and husband) have been staying and sleeping over my mothers house for 3 weeks, then going back to our house for a week to take care of needed things and then back to her house for 3 weeks again. This was to help out with chores, cutting grass, making certain needed phone calls and keeping her company. For the last 3 years we have been back and forth. My mother is 62, very healthy and works 40 hours/week. She doesn’t have any friends nor any family down here, so basically (my father) and I are her family. She hasn’t spoken to her mother for over 30 years (reason is unknown) and just recently started to begin reaching out and talking to her. I have came back to my house this past month and found ants all over and felt the house needed some upkeep, since we haven’t really lived in it for almost 3 years. I haven't gone back to my mothers house in 3 weeks and have been staying in my own home cleaning and thinking of getting my life in order.
I have been feeling depressed and so I haven’t reached out to my mother only through a short text, once a week. My mother will never call me, she will wait until I call her, and whenever I have asked her why she never calls me, she will respond she has nothing to say. She has always been like that. Yesterday, my mother sent me a message that reads:
Do you remember me? I’m your mother, who carried you for 9 months! The woman who gained 20 pounds because of you, and who underwent a painful birthing process to bring you into this world. The woman who did not sleep many nights, and raised you; until you met you’re own husband! Do you know who I am? Do you remember me? Why aren’t you calling your mother, at least once in a while!? Is it that hard to do?
I feel somewhat at a loss of words and I don’t know what to reply… I’m shocked at the message from her because I have always been there 150% every day and hour. She is a closed in person, who hides her feelings and I’m sure she is feeling down and angry about everything, but I never received anything like this from her.
I have a brother who is younger than me and has never been around or helped out with anything. He left the house at 18 years old and fast forward 20 + years and he just recently started calling my mom. A while back I asked her; why don’t you ask him, why he has never reached out to you through all the hardships. Why didn’t he ever sent you a “Happy Mother’s” message? Her response was, maybe he changed and anyhow sons are different from daughters with their moms. I beg to differ but remained quiet. I’m hurt by this and feel it’s somewhat hypocritical. I feel lost in my life, I miss my father and I put on a smile everyday for my kids, and my own mother. I’m just looking for some advice on how to respond. My husband said to ignore it; act like she never sent it and my heart tells me otherwise. Please help.
The only thing I’m going to add is if you feel you have to respond to your mother about your feelings, that you just have to get it off your chest, do so. But the important thing is to have no expectations in an appropriate response.
I found myself in an untenable situation and received this advice. I went ahead, spoke up to defend myself and clear the air. And…nothing. I received no apology, and no explanation. However, since I had prepared myself, I wasn’t devastated.
I did feel better because I was taking care of me.
It’s so sad when family members let us down like this, but now you know where you stand. It’s time for more self-care, and taking care of your own family’s needs first. Wishing you the best.
Hopefully, this will resolve the tension and both of you can start seeing each other again but on a more limited basis?
I'm here if you need a shoulder or ear. :)
I hope that are able to find some peace with this situation. And, please know that you have been doing a great job.
So sorry about the loss of your father. Even though your mother might not acknowledge it, most, if not all of us here DO appreciate what you did for him.
"I love my mother but think her message was somewhat cruel."
Somewhat? No, blatantly cruel and uncalled for.
Given what your mother did, she's either very self-centered and/or has no empathy for others (refuse to attend appts because she has to cook or clean AND send that rude nasty message, after all you've done for her and your father?) It was MORE than enough you attended to his needs in that last year and then to spend time ensuring all the loose ends were tied up, but you went beyond that, spending 3 weeks/mo there for 2 years!!! That's 2/3 of the year, with only 1/3 allowed for your family to spend in their home. That's an awful lot to ask of a family, but it was done.
It is pretty clear that she's forgotten that or dismissed it. Clearly in her mind you OWE it to her. We all, including you, know you don't owe squat to her.
FWIW, at her age I was taking over managing finances and care for my mother! I didn't live with her nor did I ever stay there overnight or have her overnight at my place. While there were things that would get her dander up, she was mostly grateful for what time and effort I could provide. She was over 90 when this started (dementia.) Again, I was YOUR mother's age when I had to step in to help my mother. My kids don't help me - I'm thankful to occasionally get a text message. I do NOT expect them to coddle me. If/when I can't manage tasks here, I plan to hire help. I am 5+ years OLDER than your mother!
Cultural? Perhaps, but that means many cultures are the same. Generational? Based on many responses and my own experience, it isn't that either. It comes down to individual personalities. Some people are like that and/or have those expectations. Expect all you want people, I will do what I feel is right when I want to, NOT when it is expected of me or demanded or you throw shade at me. I would be much less likely to provide ANY help or company if that's how I will be treated**.
Was she wrong to write that? Yes. Are you justified in feeling unfairly treated? Absolutely. Narcissist or not, it is uncalled for. FWIW there are (or have been) members of this forum that spew that kind of garbage too. They think you are 100% or more obligated to care for a parent who birthed you and wiped your poopy diapers! Like we are some kind of criminal and this is our sentence! WRONG WRONG WRONG. Our parents (for the most part) chose to have us and raise us. WE get a choice in whether we want to unraise them.
I would ignore the message (certainly don't take it to heart!) AND not respond. I would also take my sweet time before the next phone call or visit. IF she repeats it or some other nonsense, then I would address it. I would tell her the things she wrote are cruel and hateful. I would tell her that after spending so much time caring for her place that yours deteriorated and you were tied up trying to fix everything. I would also tell her that phones work TWO ways - unless her fingers are broken, SHE can call you if she's so worried about contact.
If she has no friends or hobbies/activities, that's on her. WE can't make others happy. They have to find happiness themselves. You have a family to care for, a home to care for, a job to maintain so that you have the means to care for the family and home. You can tell her she's in your thoughts as is your dad. Definitely set boundaries and do not spend 3 weeks of every month there. She's only 62 and capable of working 40hr/week, so she can learn to manage on her own. If she needs assistance, say with yard work or home maintenance, you can find resources she can hire. Visiting or going out to eat or bringing a meal to her maybe once/month is sufficient. Calls can be weekly or bi-weekly, but if she's so lonely, tell her to pick up the phone and call YOU to be sure you're still alive!!!
** see resp
Thankfully my kids weren't stupid so I never had to follow through on that threat...
First, I would like to send my condolences to you. I am very sorry your father passed. You are a very strong willed woman. You took great care of your father, helped your mother all while being a mother and a wife and working a full time job. Superwoman is more like it. By reading your story I can feel the hurt and disbelief by what your mother decided to text you. You must feel very confused and down by what she has said to you. My Aunt passed away February of this year and that also was devastating and heart breaking for me as well. I was raising by my grandmother and my Aunt. (My grandmother’s sister) My Aunt was diagnosed with dementia which was hard enough. I live in Texas, so I’m not sure if you had seen in the news that in February our weather was insane and very out of the ordinary for us. Everything was covered in ice and snow, no power no electricity or water for days. Anyway, that kept me from visiting her. I lived an hour and a half away. When my grandmother called me she was already in the hospital and she had what the doctor called “cold sepsis “. I was not able to be with her, I was not able to say goodbye to the woman who helped raise me. Fast forward to today. My grandmother and I don’t talk as much, I try to call her at least twice a week, if she answers her phone. She is not the same person. I am afraid she has just given up. Which kind of sounds like what your mother is doing. By your description, she sounds very lonely, depressed, sad and maybe even a little confused. Especially, thinking “what am I going to do now? My husband is gone, it’s just me.” She probably has all these mixed feelings, emotions and thoughts that will not shut off. You being the only there helping is the gets most of the sh*t. Sorry excuse my language, but it’s true. It doesn’t sound like she is thinking straight and since you’re closest to her she going to unleash some of those thoughts and feelings onto you. It’s basically like an exchange of energy. (Ex: if someone is having a bad day and they are in a bad mood they are goofy to lash out on the person closest to them. In return the other person who was fine but now is in a bad mood because of the other is an exchange of energy.) In part, it probably made your mother feel in control for a brief moment and even though she has never talked like that to you has left you now confused and not knowing what to do. She had briefly lifted some weight off of her shoulders by sending that awful text. It seems to me that text from her has nothing to do with you. I would give it some time and maybe have a conversation about the text when you feel like it’s the right time to bring it up. Tell your mother that you can understand what she is going through and really all you can do is offer her your support and love. But, that does not mean letting her walk all over you. Set boundaries. Clear boundaries. You’re probably going to have to rebuild your relationship with your mother in a new way. She is not going to be the same person now that your father has passed. You both need time to grieve. And only time will heal grief. There is no set time limit. And no person is alike so you may need longer than your mother or vice versa. My advice is to just take this one day at a time. Have a conversation to your mother when you feel it’s right about the text. Because, if it’s not addressed it will lead to very unnecessary stress and most likely resentment. Get it taken care of and move on from that. After that, maybe talk with your mother, see what she needs and see if it fits into your schedule. Like I said boundaries. Set healthy, clear boundaries. Also, write down what you want to say to her first, then read it over. I hope that this helps you. *This is just my opinion and advice. *You need to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. With love and virtual hugs. Have a great night and again, I really do hope this helps.
when I married I moved 70 miles away from my mom. I’ve always done all the driving back and forth over the last 40 years. Holidays, birthdays, etc. I always did (and was expected by my mom) to do all the calling and driving. My mom never saw any of her grandkids events because she would not learn to drive on the freeways. When I would visit her she would time my visits with my friend who lived next door and make nasty comments about how long I visited her. I told her “l love you all and since I’m the one working full-time and doing all the driving to just leave me alone”. I have always worked full time so trying to see everyone on was hard.
in later years I would use my vacation or sick time to help her take my dad to his dr appointments. (He died 2011) I had a very good wage so it was expensive to do this. Lots of time away from my family and home. Horrendous traffic, etc. Now I am not working and I have been taking her to most of her doctors appointments. It’s 5 hours round trip most of time . (Los Angels traffic). That’s just the driving. It does not include the time waiting for the doctor and the appointment. It also does not include the trips to the grocery or other errands. It’s 10 hour trip if not more these days to go help her. And when I’m not driving to her house or at her house, I am on the phone with doctors, lawyers, banks, medicade , care facilities, social workers on her behalf.
now she has dementia and needs extensive care and assistance. She has always made it clear I was NEVER to ask her for ANYTHING. I often wonder who she thought would take care of her at the end. It’s been a horrendous mess because of all the stupid stuff my parents did. So much work you wouldn’t even believe it. I am so stressed and tired . All the work, driving, messes to clean up. I had two c-sections and a hysterectomy and she didn’t even spend 5 minutes with me to help me through my recovery.
She said to me recently “You don’t give a 💩 about me.” Really? But I just cleaned up anout 5 gallons of you know what because you can’t get to the bathroom anymore. Seriously you have never seen such a mess. Just one of MANY Ive cleaned up,
Working on moving her to a facility but its been difficult for so many reasons. COVID did not help.
When she would give me crap because she thought I didn’t call her or visit as much as she thought I should, I had to ask her who she thought was doing my housework, yard work, grocery shopping, cooking dinner , paying the bills, helping the kids with homework, etc (and working full time when I was working ) if I was at her house. Oh and by the way mom who do you think is taking care of your granddaughter who has cancer (no help with that either). My husband was firefighter so he was away from home for 24-hour shifts.
No matter your response I don’t think your mom will get the sacrifices you and your family have been making. I don’t think there is anything you can say to her to make her appreciate the things you do for her. My mom never got it. She’s totally helpless and out of it now and I will never get any answers from her to why she had the attitude she had. Been so difficult. Soon as I get her situated I need surgery. I have a tear in my shoulder. Very painful.
Sorry to go on so long. Things are even more crazy and complicated than I can put here. Good luck.
She got in the habit of knowing you'd be there - night and day for all those weeks. You need to be back at your own home for the sake of your kids - and visit when you can. You say she's working. Is she working now - or is she alone in the house all day? I was alone most of the time and the doctor told me I needed to get out with people. I called the adult day center where I used to volunteer - and signed up to join them. I'm so glad I did. It's fun and I'm having a great time. Their bus picks me up and takes me home after "school."
Best of luck and consider what she's going through, You're a good son.
You know, most people want to mend fences before they die but there are exceptions. It seems like some people like stirring the pot and create drama wherever they are!
My husband’s grandmother was was that. In her final days in the hospital, shortly before she died, when you would think that she would make peace with everyone, she wrote hate letters to everyone she knew!
When I received this hateful letter for us, I couldn’t believe the venom she spewed. I read it and didn’t even want to show it to her grandson, my husband. My husband had always been kind to his grandparents. His grandfather was a lovely man, but his grandmother was an evil witch who didn’t have any friends. She drove everyone away with her pure ugliness.
The family finally believed that my husband’s grandmother had to have been mentally ill. What other reason is there? She did so much crap her entire life that it’s hard to believe that someone would choose to be so evil on purpose. She refused to seek help from a doctor. She didn’t want to speak to her pastor. She didn’t seem to be satisfied unless she was making others miserable. I feel sorry for people who behave so horribly. They are miserable. It’s even more sad that others have had to put up with them.
My husband’s grandmother died completely alone because she became so intolerable to be around. I truly hope that she found peace in the afterlife. We were offered her huge uptown home and we turned it down because I honestly felt like she would haunt us! LOL
We sold her home. I often wondered if the family that bought her beautiful home was content living there. She was very particular about her home. Oh gosh, if the new owners made any changes to the house, I bet she haunted them! 🤣 hahaha.
After reading her message, my thought was that you also have experienced the difficulties and weight gain of pregnancy plus the pain of childbirth more than once. And now those children need you more than she does. I would tell her just that!
Assure her that you are also grieving the loss of your father, but your husband and children must come first. Suggest that, as a mother herself, she would surely understand that.
If you can find the time to help her get out more and overcome her isolation a bit, that would be great. If she could meet some potential new friends, it might help. (but from your letter, it sounds as if self-imposed social isolation is a life long tendency of hers.)
You always stand ready to assist in any actual emergency.
Nevertheless, she can't be your first priority, even though she is struggling. As adults, we all face difficulties in life, but ultimately, the solution to these lies within ourselves. She is no exception.
I am 62, work full time and I am full time caregiver to my 86 year old mother who has Alzheimer's. Best of luck to you🙏🏽.
The question is how do you want to live the rest of your life? Since your mom is healthy and working, she shouldn't need you - or the rest of the family - there every day for weeks. She does need to move forward in her life as a widow. You need to move forward in your life too - helping your children grow into capable adults and nurturing your marriage.
I suggest you talk with your spouse about what each person in your family needs. Prioritize your spouse, then the kids and lastly your mom. Make sure to also prioritize your needs. Create a game plan together. Then, visit your mom and explain how life will be changing. She probably won't like the changes, but this period in life is about readjusting to what is going to work better for everybody.
I read books a few years ago about narcissism and the golden child, because although I understood the definitions, I didn't really understand the process. They really helped me understand that I wasn't to blame.
They also helped me understand that the narcissistic person can never change, never.
Only the people around them who understand it can adapt, some with less contact, some with walking away or out of the room when something nasty is said, and some going no contact.
The best advice I have is to be kind to yourself, and spend time doing things for yourself and your family. Your mom is 62 ? What if she lives another 40 years? I am 67 and my mom is 96. You need to have a plan for you and your husband and your children. Find a way of letting go ..... a way that you can handle. Find a way to be happy.
You are correct that a narcissist won't change so we have to learn how to meet their needs - not necessarily their wants - while still protecting ourselves and our own families. I've been watching YT videos by Dr. Les Carter about recognizing and dealing with a narcissist. They are very helpful and I encourage you to check them out.
Good luck Brokenheart0504!
I think your first loyalty should be to your family. Your children and husband need you. Your mom is still young, I’m 63 and still working. I expect to keep working until I’m 70.
Is there an agency on aging in your area? They may offer counseling to her as she is grieving. We have great resources for seniors through the university where I teach; classes are offered as part of Osher Lifelong Learning. Are there classes offered through the Recreation department that she might enjoy? Art? Yoga? Our Parks & Rec dept has a senior walking group on Saturday morning. It may take some convincing, but combined with grief counseling, she may be more open to the idea. If she’s into sport type activity, pickle ball is very popular..there’s a senior league for that too.
My parents look to us to solve their problems, be there in emergencies, and more. It’s as though they expect us to be there whenever they need us and their rationale is “we didn’t move, you did”. They’ve been in their house for 51 years and live in one of the least affordable places to live. Us kids were priced out, but my parents just won’t understand that.
We have had to set limits with my parents. Some of their rages were ridiculous, some of their comments were unkind, untrue and mean. We told them if they wanted to stay in their home, it was going to cost them $___ to do so. My mom has dementia and wanders, they have 24/7 in-home care. We gave them other options, they shot them all down. The whole situation is crazy, and their choice.
If you can help your mom get comfortable with her situation and be happier now, she may age to be more content. Things don’t get easier as we and our parents get older.
Best wishes. Take care of you too. Counseling helped me and my siblings.
I think your husband is right. Only because a person like her does not care how you feel. She wants you to feel bad and give up your life and happiness for her and she obviously does not value or appreciate you giving up 4 lives for her. This effects your family. Shes only 62. I'm 60 and stuck with an 85 year old mean nasty person who favours her 1st born son who does nothing. I live with her. I greet her with a smile each morning and get an ugly scowl. She's making me feel like how dare you have had me just to treat me like sh$t? It goes both ways. I didn't ask to be her daughter and I didn't impregnate her. If I had the choice I would have never been born.
Since you have your own house and life it's time for you to take it all back. I know it's hard but start doing it. Let her be miserable without you. She has no friends for a reason. Stop feeling sorry for her. She is young enough to take care of herself.
I started asking my cell...why does my mother hate me? Start there. You are not alone. There's lots of us who get treated like you. Stop taking it. Start taking care of your own head and just live your life at your home with your husband and kids. It also messes up your kids to watch you being treated like garbage. Its not right. You deserve happiness gf. You really do. I also lost my Dad so I feel for you. I'm very sorry about your loss. Remember that you are a good person because you are! Your husband and children need you more than your mom does. If you have the nerve...tell her...well Mom, sorry I'm not good enough for you but you need to remember one thing...I did not ask to be born.
I dont know if my rambling helped or not but just know you are loved and valued by your little family and in the end that's all that matters. I only wish you happiness in your life. I don't want you to be 60 and regret everything you wasted trying to make her happy. It's so not worth it. Believe me. It's not worth it. All the best🙂
I would distance myself from her. I had to have therapy to distance myself from an unloving mother like that. If you need to get some help to do that, get it.
If you were there to handle all her household tasks, who did you send to handle those things - like the mowing, etc.
Try to reconnect at a lower level. Instead of spending the night, or 3 weeks at a time - go and spend one night and make it a family dinner night. Before hand, go visit with her and tell her the message hurt you and you understand being alone hurt her. Talk about all the things that went 'undone' at your house while you stayed with her for the past 3 years - serious household issues that have to be fixed. Don't bring up the brother - if he hasn't participated all this time, unlikely to start now. But you never know. If she's talking to her mom and your brother, perhaps they will put old issues aside and start visiting.
I just think if you had weaned her a little slower from your presence in the house, this change might have gone better. Still, I'm not saying she was right/you were wrong - it was just a big change for someone who ended up in the empty house.
Of five siblings, I have always been the one to do the most for her. I would take her to the doctor, grocery shopping, dollar store shopping, out to eat, and whatever else it was she decided she needed me to do for her that day. My days with mom were very long, and particularly so because she couldn't go in the morning because of a bowel issue. I get up at 6 or 7, then go over there at 12 or 12:30, and then not get home til 7 or 8 at night. One time I took her out, I explained that I had very little time today. We went out to eat and during that time, she was screwing around with her food and I asked her if she needed help. She looked at me and said "I have all the time in the world." I was ticked off.
One time I complained to one of my siblings about all that I do for mom and he had the nerve to tell me that I complain all the time. I told him that it may seem like I complain all the time because I only see him once a year.
Off subject. Sorry.
My mom has been mean to me it seems like forever. Now that she's in assisted living and visitation was horrible, when visitation FINALLY opened up to in-room visits, her room was horrible. I spent my entire hour cleaning her room instead of visiting. Cleaning is something that staff should be doing; however, mom is very stubborn and pretty much would not allow them to do things. She is a fall risk and a lot of the items in her room (empty oxygen tanks, mattress pad, and a whole lot of other things) were making her room unsafe. I fixed it, or so I thought.
The very next day I tried to schedule another visit and was unable to do so. I called her to explain that I wouldn't be able to visit until the next week. Her response to me was not good. She said "you can't visit anymore you are too mean to me." So, I stayed away for THREE weeks. Did not even visit for Easter. My thoughts: you can't expect me to do things for you and then turn around and be mean to me. I am the one who gets the phone calls in the middle of the night when she is experiencing sundowners. I am pretty much the one she calls if she needs anything done...like call the office and ask them to come up and check my phone. She can call me, but not the office????????
My advise...stay away for a while. It may click in why you are staying away, and it may not click in. I stayed away from my mom for almost a year in 2018. I was hoping that other family members would realize all that I had been doing. Instead of only one or two people helping her, grandkids and great grandkids were helping her.
You need to think about you and your family. Your mom is very young. She doesn't need you. If she can work a 40 hour job, she can clean her own house and do her own grocery shopping. She will eat when she needs to. She will not starve to death.
I know I skitted from place to place in this diatribe of mine, but it is important that you think of yourself. Yes, staying away may make you feel like crap, but staying away might also help you feel better. I would spend all that time with mom, and then come home and rant at my husband about all the things that happened that day. I would say, "okay, enough. I won't say anymore." Then within three seconds I would say "and then......." on and on and on. It did not hurt my marriage, but it really could have. Don't let that happen to you.
I would write her a note explaining how you have been there for her when your dad was ill.
I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Townsend. You need to set boundaries and stick to them.