How do I move away from the parents who need me?

There are some difficult choices to make here. From what you wrote it seems like your mom would be better off in a memory care facility. Your dad can benefit from this by less worry about moms safety. He can manage finances if he is competent. He may be able to take a cab to appointments (and visit MCF) mail order pharmacy, home care nurse to set up medications as needed. You can still be POA no matter where you live. POA usually takes effect when senior is mentally incapacitated). Face time or phone call your father regularly to check in on him (first teach him how to use face time as many elderly are not familiar with technology of this kind). You mentioned they get meals and house keeping, house keeping might help with laundry if needed. You deserve to live your retirement years the way (like your parents did before your mothers dementia).

To add to what WilliMartin says...There are Geriatric Care Managers that do the very thing you need done. They can manage the appointments, they will report to you. Mail order for medications. An mom would probably be better in Memory Care and that would also take some stress off dad. If dad can not manage finances most things can be done by you on line from anywhere in the world!
Yes you might have to make a trip north once in a while but you would probably do that anyway to visit.

My mother is in the Memory Care section of an ALF and I am an only child. I do not feel as though I can leave her there and move to another state, even though her medications are managed and her doctor(s) come into the facility to treat her. I am planning to wait for her to pass away before my husband and I can move away and start our own retirement plans.

Of course you can put your parents on the medication program at their ALF, you can also arrange for them to see the on site doctors who come in as well as the mobile dentists, etc. You can Face Time them, as suggested, and/or hire a geriatric care manager. But there will be times you will need to fly back for emergencies and other events that need your attention. That's my take on the situation and something I feel I'd need to do myself, should I move away.

There is no 'easy answer' here, as I'm sure you know. As much care as they're given in the ALF, they still require regular visits from us.

Wishing you the best of luck!

The ALF should be able to handle Meds and laundry. Actually, Moms would not allow the residents to have meds in there rooms. The only problem I see is getting them their personal needs.

How far have you got with planning the dream move to Florida? Is this imminent - something you see happening this year, say? Or is it more in the pipeline, or even further away and a mere castle in the air for the time being?

You haven't gone yet, anyway! - so it's a little premature to be devastated and guilt-ridden. But there are difficulties.

Did your parents, with or without your knowledge and approval, move to your town in order to be near you?

When you accepted POA, were you and they counting on your being within practical distance?

When did you and DH begin to formulate the Florida dream, and is this something you've ever talked to your parents about?

This is tough spot to be in. I think it would be different if you were already living further away when your parents were younger.

My daughter has decided that she wants to live in Colorado after graduating college. I want her to be wherever she is happy and find a career. She will be a long distance away from our home in Louisiana.

If you have always lived near to her then I feel it’s a more difficult decision to make because of your parents age.

Just wanted to say whatever you decide I wish you the best. It is helpful to hear feedback from others but only you can decide what is best for you.

I don't understand why you are doing all those things. The assisted living facility should handle those things for you. My father lives 30 minutes from me. They manage his medications, take him to doctor appointments and for an additional fee do his laundry. I just handle his finances and I can do that from anywhere.

Don't put off your retirement to Florida. Get services set up for your parents and plan to visit often as you can.

I'd recommend flying, but driving or taking an Amtrak are also fun options :) Let the AL facility do their job.

I’ve had to deal with this since day 1 as I live in the US and my parents were in Europe. Only child. Mother with personality disorder (narcissistic) who has tried to destroy everything I have done.

She is now in a retirement home (some nifty pivoting around the fact that she was falling at home and she could not have lived with one single caretaker (which she wanted to be me and demanded I abandon my family though that was never going to happen) ‘because one person can’t pick you up if you fall’ meant she had to leave home and be somewhere with 24 hr care. Dad died a few years ago. She told incredible lies to kick him out of the house when in fact he was able to stay there according to all his docs and support people.

If you get on with your parents this is a harder decision.

But

We have only 1 life. You don’t get a rerun once they are dead. Sacrificing yourself for them and thinking of Florida is not going to help your rel with them. They may live many more years. Better you visit every few mths and be happy than resent them every day.

As others have said. The retirement home can prob take over most of your duties. Look inside yourself if there are reasons you need to change within yourself to make you accept the way things could be.

I went to Europe every couple of months for many years. Expensive. Couldn’t work full time. Always a crisis with my parents and it was just a game to pull my string and get me to go and give them attention. I had POA. Mum tried to get dad declared ‘not of sound mind’ so she could kick him out of the house. I intervened and protected him as he was in his 90s and didn’t want to leave home nor did his docs say he had to. (she’s a vindictive so and so).

All the times I went over. Left my young kids. Didn’t work. Spent a ton of money on them flying, renting a car to get to them etc. It meant NOTHING to them. Inside I think I was trying to get a pat on the back and approval which with Narcissist parents never comes.

Don’t put yourself through this. You don’t get a medal at the end. I’ll never get the 20 years back and my kids will never get a mom who was there for them all the time when they were little.

Now mum is in a home and I just pay the bills from her account. She has Alzheimers and is toxic as ever. In fact there’s a risk of her being kicked out. In that case she is on her own

Move them to a Florida AL about 20 -30 minutes away from your new Florida retirement home. They might enjoy the change and meet new friends.

is it possible to move them to Florida? You would have to plan it like the assault on Normandy but it could be done. My in-laws sound similar. She was pretty impaired with ALZ and macular degeneration. He has vascular dementia and thought he was fine. They started in IL. He had a decline so we moved them to a memory care center together. She broke hip in June and died in October. He worried about her and when she broke hip, they were in separate cottages.
anyway, if she is still ok at AL, the other option is get facility to order meds and give them and do the laundry. If facility has doctor, use that doctor for as much care as you can. And if they can’t provide transport to outside providers, get a care manager to help. Then go to Florida for a month. Try it out.
We plan to move to be closer to our daughter once FIL dies. He is 95 and declining rapidly. We still are cleaning out our house so not ready to go yet but if necessary I would consider moving him.

If you are not near your parents they are going to need you more and more--so you will be traveling back and forth all the time.
Long distance caregiving does not work.

Live your life. Enjoy your retirement. My mom is 95 with advanced dementia. I have Parkinson’s. We kept her at home until last April paying for care through a LTC policy. When the LTC policy was exhausted we moved her from her condo to an ALF near her home town in FL. In the meantime my husband was diagnosed with 2 stage 4 cancers. We live in Maine but have always spent winters in FL. My husband’s quality of life is diminishing and I have made HIM my priority because mom’s dementia has caused all memories and relationships to drift away and it is my husband who I feel the greatest love and responsibility for. We are currently living life in a used RV, spending our winter in FL...enjoying quiet, peaceful surroundings for the time we have left. I have been FORCED to prioritize. And I am not going to guilt myself over this decision. It’s YOUR life and you don’t get a do-over.

It sounds like your mother is ready for MC. Have you considered moving both parents into a shared MC room in FL? If you pick a mixed AL/MC facility, your father would be freer to enjoy AL activities because he would know your mother has a greater supervision and care level. You would be close enough to visit and help them as needed. The greater care level would allow you and your husband to enjoy your retirement too.

You have a gentle conversation with your dad letting him know your retirement plan and that the only way you can continue to care for them is if they move with you. Period. There really aren't any other options. If he reacts negatively or resistant, I think you are no longer dealing with someone who is fully rational. It doesn't matter. You need to have your retirement with your spouse. Your parents are lucky to have loving family willing to care for them, whatever state they live in. That's more than many seniors have and you are under no obligation to continue to provide their care. I hope he can see this. Let us know how it goes.

I have to agree that having your parents near you is best for all. You’ll want and need to check in frequently to see their care is what it should be, no matter how nice the place is supposed to be. You’re well being is critical too; you can’t give of yourself if you’re not caring for yourself first. Sounds like a thoughtful, new adventure for your family to embark on. Good luck!!

You're in a no-win situation.
I retired and moved to South Carolina, leaving my elderly parents in Pennsylvania. They are 92 and 90, and have lived their entire lives in their community and are NOT leaving it. I can understand how they feel, even though it makes more sense to live here near me. I get tired of people saying "they just have to move". I want them to have some peace and happiness at the end of their lives.
I go to visit every other month and stay for a week or more. I cook their favorite meals, help with any issues that need addressed, and just love on them.
When I return home I'm tormented by what I know they are experiencing. It's great to say "live your life" but my heart aches every day for them, knowing their lives would be better if I was there.

Many of us are or have been in your exact situation so we can sympathize. I wish that I could give you the answer but I don't know it myself. Just know that you are not alone in this guilt struggle and it is not easy either way.

I can relate to your situation. I really feel your life and dedication should lie with your husband first and foremost. You are not selfish to want the retirement you have worked for and looked forward to.
I see a couple options. Your parents could stay where they are and you and your sibling could travel to check in on them alternating every month or 6 weeks. So it would mean 4-6 trips a year.
Or, you could find a place for them in FL.
Have a conversation with your Dad and lay it all out. Be confident and reassuring not remorseful. Let him be part of the decision. (If ...them coming to FL is something you are willing to do)
If you feel that is off the table for whatever reason, then just present your retirement move. Find ways to give him a roll in choosing something like: how to explain it to your Mom; should you and sibling take turns visiting every 4 weeks or 6; if you pay to have someone to stop in for errands would once a week be enough? Etc. Would he like an iPad so you could teach him how to FaceTime? The goal is to give him some feeling of control and being a part of it. Ask him to think about ways that would make this doable.
You could use a service like Visiting Angels, etc. to refill RXs, make a WalMart run, bring cookies, or take them outside to sit on a nice day etc. It runs about $20 an hour.
Give about a 4 month advance notice of your move. Not too much in advance and not too little.
Also be prepared for the first 3 months to be bumpy for everyone.
Do not make abrupt changes during this initial time. Stay the course and ride it out so to speak. It’s amazing how things settle after 90 days or so.
I wish you the very best and I know once you are through the physical and emotional move you will go forward and thoroughly enjoy FL!

My mom's AL facility handled her meds, provided transportation to doctors, did her laundry - EVERYTHING. All I did was make sure the money was in her account to pay the monthly charge. You need a better facility. Alternatively, move them to Florida with you. The climate will be good for them.

First, you are not responsible for your parents. They are responsible for themselves as you are, no matter how old you become. Be honest with your parents and let them know your intentions. If they want to move as well, so be it. If they dont, it is time to find a center that can assist with more of their ADL's. Only other alternative is to put off your plans until your parents are no longer with you. What is best for your mental health?

I see only 2 choices.

1 - Move your parents near you wherever you retire.

2 - Set your parents up for more help to take over what you do... and plan for day they need total care. You can probably handle the finances from a distance. The other jobs could probably be handled by home health care aides or by setting your parents up in full care facility.

My apologies for this situation. I hate to say that we have to put ourselves in their shoes, as we will all be aged and there sooner than later, and decide what you would expect from your siblings when that time comes. Also we have to realize that with everyone living longer lives, and us probably to be included, that there is such a thing as "the circle of life". We come into the world completely helpless and with the help of our parents we are what we are today. Likewise we live a long life and are now helpless and need help to get back to our creator. We can only think/rightfully expect those we helped into this world would be there to help us leave this world in the same unselfish loving way we were treated. I, personally am dealing with a Mom who will be 97 next month with alzheimers. We inherited realestate in Florida to which only my husband could spend time at except for a couple of trips by me to spend with him for a couple of weeks at a time due to me being the only sibling my Mom has. Six years have passed and we just sold due to my Mom probably going to live on for some time and "our dream" of spending time together in Florida, did not look promising. Mom does not want to be in the condition that she is in, nor does she want to be where she is, so with the kindness and understanding of my husband, we have had mutual agreements that Mom is a priority in our life. People who have lost their parents would do anything to have them back in their lives no matter what - death is final!! We have had to make huge decisions in our lives and it sure is not all about "us" and we have to wrap that around our thinking. It is tough when now our life is aging and perhaps we will never meet our dreams, but we neither will never have any guilt to live with going forward which can mentally take over the job of having accomplished our dreams. It is a tough go to say the least! Sorry for putting the realistic to the forefront, but we are praised ongoing for our compassion so we know what we are doing is the right thing.

Are there any other family members who can assume your responsibilities? It is a difficult situation for you, but you need to balance your happiness along with their needs. If you are going to become resentful or cause problems in your relationship with your husband, is it worth it to deny your dream? Can you afford to make regular visits to have the best of both worlds?

If your Mom is already 92 years old with dementia, I would stay put for a couple of years and then take Dad with you to Florida and he can be in an assisted living facility in Florida. To be flat out honest, a person over 90 with advanced dementia/Alzheimer’s are just not going to be here long. You will not be happy in Florida if you go right now because your dear Dad needs you and you are his lifeline. It would hang over you every single day. If your mother were younger, I would say move and take them both to Florida and set them up in AL facility but that is not the case here. Hang in there and ask your husband if you can wait a couple of years. I am saying this under the impression that your mother’s dementia is advanced. BTW, my Mom died of dementia complications. I moved here because of them. They are both deceased now. Mom in 2018. Dad was always saying he didn’t know what he would do without me. Frankly, I don’t either. They needed me. Mom in facility and Dad was at home with congestive heart failure. I am glad I stayed here. Dad passed at 89. Mom at 85.

Since they don't live with you now and are in assisted living, it wouldn't change their life too much to move to another facility close to where you will be. You will get to enjoy your new location and be available should they need you.

Dealing with parents at your own retirement time can conflict, but it doesn't have to be impossible. You're already ahead of the game because they do not live in your home getting 24/7 care from you.

Quite a pickle.I have put off any vacation for years,because my mom is very aged.I am sure you will get better opinons than mine, but everything to me,depends on your age and your spouse's age.Also,you might find,like me, that I love Florida and Key West in particular but I don't NEED to live there.True story,Florida gets ever more crowded, and you might find Florida is not what you thought.You might put your folks in respite,and vacation - like me,you sound burnt-out. I wish you every happiness.

I am a senior myself and have planned to go to assisted living when I can no longer live at home. My mother did this and actually improved for a a good while. She also had a better social life at the ALF. I expect to do likewise. Most of the activities directors are amazing. They become like family to the residents, showing them love and attention.
I have watched over the years children taking care of parents only to become resentful and/or exhausted to the extent of becoming ill themselves and not having the type of retirement they deserve. Some die before their parents and others shortly after.
First of all if you are married, your husband should come first. Discuss things together and make decisions together. Do some research. I think solutions that are best for all involved are available. My prayers for you and your family.

The simple answer is that you follow your heart. They are being cared for and you can have their prescriptions filled and delivered via phone, internet or the nursing home. You can have their laundry done by arrangement and have someone take them to appointments. It’s not likely they will be around a great deal longer given their respective ages. You have to know if you can deal with the guilt and pain from disappointing them. Only you can know that. Will your dream of moving to Florida be what you want it to be? Will you torment yourself with regrets. You have to answer that. On the other side of the coin, can you move them to a nursing home close to where you are planning to relocate to? Another option is to see if Allegiant Airlines has cheap flights to where they are living. An overnight twice a month might be a consideration. Lastly, perhaps you can buy your home in Florida, if money permits, and spend the colder months there, thus sharing your time. I shoI’ll not be have labeled that lastly as staying where you are for a few more years is also an option. Don’t make a decision and a move that will haunt you and put a dark cloud between you and the Florida sun. Good luck! You sound like a very caring person.

I'm following this thread closely as I'm in a similar situation. My husband recently retired and we have always planned to move to our beach condo once we were both retired. My dad, however, is 98 1/2 and in an assisted living facility near where we currently live. I've been doing the two weeks in Florida, two weeks at home for the last year. It gets old and then you try to add in a few visits to grandchildren and it seems like no one is very happy with the schedule. I'm trying to cut back on my visits to my father as making the airline trip is not only expensive it means two weeks away for just a few hours with him (a haircut, a doctors appointment, a few breakfasts at the local diner or my house) that he doesn't remember by the next day. But on each phone call he obsesses over when I will be home to visit him (not that he can remember what I said.) Currently we are doing the two day drive back and forth as we don't want to contract coronavirus in the airport or plane. I am planning to pack all our food for the trip and wipe down everything I touch along the way. I realize most of this is my own guilt making me crazy. Moving him to Florida is not an option. My only warning is don't think that if you postpone your move it will only be for a couple more years. Apparently my dad is going to live forever and I have to say that my husband has been a saint through all of this.