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I am my parents’ only child so my parents live together with me and my husband. Time went by and now I think and feel like l am a bad daughter because I am always upset about my Dad’s behavior. When my husband and I decided that it’s time to have our own place (we used to live with my husband’s family), we planned on renting a studio type apartment but my Mom wants to come and live with us as I help her in various things such as, taking her and my Dad to their doctor’s appointment, helping with my Dad’s medi-cal yearly renewal, grocery shopping, picking her up from and/or dropping her off to work, picking up their meds at the pharmacy, and drive them anywhere they needed to go, so with all that in mind, I decided that my Mom’s idea was perfect.


Eventually, my husband found a two-bedroom townhouse and all 3 of us (mom, me and husband) agreed to help each other with monthly expenses. At first, my Dad didn’t want to move in because he wants to stay at a friend’s house (a half-paralyzed elderly, who’s unable to talk well—he had a stroke). The only reason his here with us now is because he got kicked out after he pressured that friend for money, when he was actually receiving almost everything for free.


My dad is 79 years old, hard of hearing, never took a shower since he moved in, talks to himself loudly, and has an attitude problem. A week ago, I heard him bullying my Mom in their room, telling her that the reason their room stinks is because of her shoes, when in fact it was him who smells because he doesn’t like to change clothes/underwear, doesn’t like to take a shower, and for some reason my Mom found smeared po*p on his beddings. My mom has since developed allergy because of the bad smell in their room, so the other night, she had no choice but to slept on the couch—another reason for that is my Dad always make a lot of noises, like grinding his teeth, moaning, talking to himself, etc.


On the other hand, he also made some negative comments about my cooking so I stopped doing it for him and let him cook and prepare his own meal. He also took off his hearing aids yesterday because he doesn’t like to hear creaking noise, foot steps and voice (Made by me).


Now, here is the thing, he’s always been like this ever since I was a kid (including his poor hygiene and talking all by himself). He doesn’t get along with anyone even with his own siblings/relatives. I’ve heard a lot about his bad reputation and my parents’ married life is an additional proof to that (verbal, emotional, mental, financial abuse).


I lost all my respect towards him and I am so done with all his antiques. I am upset that every time I come home from work that our house stinks (when it used to be not), to see him everyday seating on the couch watching tv and do nothing productive, hear him complains and/or defaming other people.


I don’t want to feel this way but I have now zero tolerance and patience when it comes to him. I want him out of our life but my Mom thinks that I am being heartless and that I should just accept his behavior. I’ve reach the point where I actually talked to a social worker and had recently attempted to speak to an APS person for advice but didn’t continue because of my Mom and the guilt.


Should I just live through this feeling day by day, and let him do whatever he pleases because my mom said he is still my Dad no matter what? I felt like it is no longer healthy for me and for my Dad to be living in the same roof and that I should separate him with us. Am I a bad person, especially for wanting to cut ties with my Dad? Is there a better way to fix our situation especially now that his old? We tried talking to him, but when we did, he said that we blame him for everything.

This is a family crises really. But you are keeping your head & your heart too.

It sounds like you are doing well, getting advice & seeking solutions but you may need professional support (like that social worker) to get from where you are now - to where your family need to be. To help find the options available & maybe councelling too to help decide on which path to choose.

A medical examination for your Father should be part of this. Find out if there is depression, dementia or other mental/physical health issues.

Not everyone becomes a full-time hands-on carer. Another option is to be an advocate to find him the correct diagnosis, care & accomodation.

This may even extend to your Mother. Helping to find the right accommodation for her too.

It may look very different in 12 months time. You & your partner living alone, your parents in the level of care they need, whether it be NH for Father & independant apartment or assisted living for Mother.

Your Mother hopefully will thrive if she is somewhere that is a good fit, that maximises the independance she has. My DH's Gran moved to a retirement village & loved it. Took the weekly mini bus to go shopping with the others & joined all sorts of social groups there.
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Reply to Beatty
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Um, Kath.

I don't pretend to be closely familiar with Filipino culture; but I have a very strong impression that your father's family pulled a fast one on your mother and is now attempting the same with you.

It sounds as though he is a person who had always expected to be taken care of and provided for, yes? Nothing to do with the sanctity of marriage or an infant child's best interests, your Dad's family wanted him tied to your mother so that they didn't have to look after him. And now she feels so bound to him that she's passing the guilt onto you.

Is that Social Worker still around? If not, can you find another one?

God forbid anyone's real needs should be neglected, regardless of how "deserving" or pleasant to live with a person might be. But there are better ways to help your father than by burdening your mother or attempting to do it all yourself.

Violate his human rights... What about your mother's right to live free of abuse? What about your and your husband's right to decide who lives in your home?

The only thing I think you should stop doing is "talking to him" about his behaviour. You're wasting your breath, and asking him to do something that he simply can't grasp. If he could be different from how he is, he would have begun many, many years ago. Let him be, but find him the right, safe place to live.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Beatty Feb 22, 2020
Excellent advice.
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Dad needs some mental stimulation other then using mom and you for his mental enjoyment.
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Reply to shad250
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Has your dad been checked out by a doctor lately?

I think that his behavior could be caused by an infection. UTI, would not be surprising based on his personal hygiene.

I am glad that you are planning on moving out when your lease is up.

In the mean time can you tell him that he needs to be a good housemate and he needs to do certain things, like bath regularly, help around the house, be nice or be quiet. Have your husband tell him, that would probably get through better. My dad would not listen to me until I through a fit. I refuse to live is a stinky house because someone is too ???? to take a shower.

You think everyone blames you dad, oh well, here's the facts. No pitty party, no manipulation, no excuses. Take a bath and get off your butt.

Best of luck.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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It makes my blood boil that you are expected to tolerate abuse from your father. Your mother sounds like she has accepted the abuse, which is very sad. Yes, it is your father but it is also YOUR LIFE and he is being awful. You do not owe your life to this disagreeable man. I live with my 89 year old dad who also does not like to shower but at least he is friendly and I don't have to sleep with him like your poor mother. And remember, he could still live a long time so you must protect yourself. Do not feel guilty and take care of yourself.
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Reply to starphlo
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Kath, where are your parents from? I'm asking partly so that I can perhaps understand the cultural perspective, but also because there might be organisations or resources that could be helpful and relevant to them.

But what culture places a daughter's responsibility to a man above that of his wife??? And how come they were content to live separately only a few months ago?

AND DON'T APOLOGISE!!!

You've done nothing wrong. It is always incredibly difficult to see a situation when you're right in the middle of it. Hugs to you.
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Kath22 Feb 21, 2020
Hi,

My Mom and my Dad were from the Philippines (the three of us were). The reason why they were okay being apart few months ago was because my Dad’s social worker said it was “fine” if my Dad doesn’t want to moved in with us. However, the reason they’re back together again was because my Dad has nowhere else to go after he got kicked out, plus my Dad’s family don’t like the idea of him being away from me and my Mom. They actually went separate ways when I was 18 but my Dad’s family intervened and urged her to fixed their marriage for my sake. They used me to persuade her (there’s another story for that).

In Filipino culture, children are expected to return the favor of being raised by their parents, it doesn’t matter whether the parent/s was a responsible type or not.

I tried reaching out to APS and to a social worker in an attempt to get a proper advice on how we could separate my Dad from us in a humane way as not to end up doing things wrong and to prevent any unlawful steps. We don’t want to violate his human rights.
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Hello Everyone,

Thank you all for your advice. I apologized for some of the confusion I’ve caused. Thank you for understanding and consideration. I decided to post here to seek advice. I am learning a lot here, and I even realized what is the obvious mistake in my part. I already spoke to my mom and is planning to attempt one final talk to my Dad. I also told her that my husband and I are talking and planning to live separately from them. I will have to help them find their own place and is giving them until August (end of our lease agreement) to prepare. I want to give them a chance especially my Mother because I understand that she is not perfect like me. She never forsaken me when I am in need. I will still help them with some of the important appointments since none of them two knows how to drive but they will have to live separately from me and my husband. I agreed with our current situation because in addition to my Mom convincing me, my Dad’s relatives was also pressuring me to take care of him—it’s a culture thing. They always comes after me whenever my Dad reports to them. They don’t involve my Mom but just me because I am my Dad’s daughter. There’s more to it but it’s too much and too complicated to share.

Sorry for being this way. Thank you very much everyone, you guys really helped me think.
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Reply to Kath22
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Here is my spin. Dad needs to leave. Find a nice Senior apt that charges rent on scale. That means if he brings in 1k a month 30% of that will go to rent. He will pay for electric, telephone and cable, if he can afford it. If not, there are antennas. Telephone he can use a "pay as u go". He can apply for food stamps and help with his electric. He would probably be able to get a free phone.

So, that would be Mom, u and hubby. Is that workable? Mom should be paying for her share of expenses.

Actually, being in the same room as Dad doesn't her clothing smell. I don't do smells well. He would have been gone long ago. Once you get him out do not take him back. If Mom doesn't like it, it maybe time to say, Mom we can no longer live like this. So, if u don't agree that Dad needs to leave, then maybe its time for u both to find a place of your own. This arrangement is not working.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Scratching my head.

You and your husband used to live with his parents. With you so far.

You and your husband decided the time had come to find a home for the two of you. Yay! Good.

Then, for me, the thread all goes a bit wibbly-wobbly and starts fraying and coming off the reel.

Your mother announces that she plans to join you. Your father decides he doesn't like that idea, he's off to sponge off some poor friend of his. You and your husband change the entire backdrop of your plans to include your mother in them (what the heck can have struck you as "perfect" about her idea?), and then stone me if one morning you don't find your Dad on the doorstep with his suitcase too...

And what's happened to the household budget agreement?

And how does an older married couple who one month decide they want to live apart then come to be inseparable BUT IN YOUR HOUSE?

Where were they living before?
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Kath22 Feb 21, 2020
Hi,

My husband and I used to live at my husband’s parents because they want us too. After leaving, my MIL and FIL wants us to come back to them but we did not.

Right now, my Mom and I are talking about the situation and I also told my Mom that my husband and I are now planning to live separately from them.
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Who washed the poopy sheets? You or your mother? Your mother doesn't like her situation (being married to your father), so she is taking the easy way out (for HER!) and expecting YOU to deal with your father and to be the buffer between the two of them, right? (How much help does she provide? Is she doing her fair share?)

Guilt? YOUR MOTHER is the one who should have GUILT! This is HER HUSBAND.
She is sacrificing YOUR mental health for her avoidance of HER duty.

If she doesn't want to live with your father, she has choices. Her lack of a backbone shouldn't affect you.
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Kath22 Feb 21, 2020
Hi,

You’re right, my mom washed it (by hand) and we took it to laundromat afterwards to wash it again. We washed all his dirty laundry for him.
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I think it's high time for you and your husband to have your OWN lives, free and clear of your parents, which is how things should be once you get married. Tell mom to cool it with the guilt trips, and that you're entitled to a life of your own. She's probably petrified of being alone with the man because of his nasty behavior, which in reality, is HER problem, not yours. My mother said for 68 years how miserable she was with my father. Yet she chose to stay with him, making it THEIR problem, not mine.

Tell the folks they have X amount of time to find their own living accommodations, that you and DH are now going to strike out on your own. You are not a 'bad' person for doing this; you are an adult who's choosing to have a life of her own instead of being burdened down with this situation any longer.
Enough is enough.

Wishing you the best of luck and courage in taking your lives back.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Kath,

Tell mom that you are not responsible for your dad. You know this is breaking you. It’s too much for anyone to handle. So, why are you assuming responsibility for your dad?

Please end this nightmare. Your mom will eventually accept your decision and if she doesn’t, it’s too bad. I wish you and your mom all the best.

Even if the solution is for your dad to go to a homeless shelter, the fact is that he absolutely shouldn’t be living in your home with you and your mom. Your mom needs to accept that this is non negotiable.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Kath22 Feb 21, 2020
Hi,

I appreciate your concern, thank you so much. I am now currently talking to my Mom. My husband and I are planning to live separate from them and I said its for the best. I have to take it slowly to my Mom because I don’t want her to stressed out because she have hypertension, and arrhythmia.
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People assume that churches have a lot of volunteers to take care of elders. I don't think that is the case!

"I want him out of our life but my Mom thinks that I am being heartless and that I should just accept his behavior. " SHE is the one who married him. SHE should be taking care of him. Don't let her guilt you into participating!

What is your parents' financial situation? Your mother is helping you with expenses, but could they afford to live on their own?
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 20, 2020
Oh, you are so right! You took the words out of my mouth! Perfect response!!!

This shouldn’t be the daughter’s problem to fix.
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Your dad has serious mental illness, apparently undiagnosed for years, and may have dementia now to go along with it. Will he see a doctor? Your mother knows he’s mentally ill and has made a choice to both ignore it and live with it. If you push hard on this, do you think she’s more likely to appreciate the support of you stepping in to finally seek help for your dad or react by lashing out at you? In any case you need to live separately from them, the current living arrangement is putting your marriage at risk and causing your relationship with your parents to be worse. Make a plan for living apart. If your dad will see a doctor that needs to happen, he needs help. If he won’t there’s not much you can do besides protecting yourself and your life and marriage. I hope your mom will want change but she’s spent a long time normalizing what isn’t normal. Please don’t let guilt control you, there’s nothing to feel guilty about, you’ve done your best, this is truly past your ability to fix.
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Kath22 Feb 20, 2020
Thank you very much.
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Wow! Heartbreaking situation. I am very sorry you are in this situation.

Let me ask you something please. If this was not your dad, would you like him? I doubt it. So, first of all let go of the guilt of not liking him, or respecting him.

You are justified in feeling as you do. He has some serious issues. I would ask him to leave. I bet your mom was relieved not to be with him. So sad that she has had to endure his abuse.

You don’t owe your father anything just because he is a blood relative. You owe yourself, your husband and your mom a better life. You don’t seem to have an issue with your mom. I’m glad.

Speak to Council on Aging, APS or a social worker, anyone who may be able to help you in this matter.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Kath22 Feb 20, 2020
Thank you for your advice and sympathy. This means a lot. There’s so much more but it's too complicated to explain and you are right that I need to speak to APS or Council on Aging.
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