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My family consists of my wife, my 3 young children, myself, and now my father in law. I've shared the story before, but as a reminder my in-laws moved in with us and my MIL passed away from kidney disease within 6 months. It was traumatic for everyone as she refused to take care of herself and also refused help. My wife still feels guilty for not saving her so she is trying to do it with her dad. We have discussed simple rules like keeping his room clean, not spending money, not eating in his room etc, but he does what he wants. My wife has now assumed her mom's role by not holding him accountable, and doing everything even though he is able bodied. We fight, at times, and I feel powerless because my wife is unwilling to talk about anything related to her dad. As a perfect example of his lack of respect for his daughter and my family, he had secretly decided to marry a woman (less than one year after his wife of 40 years died) and move her in without telling his daughter. He was going to do so in order to help this woman to become a citizen. This brings with it an expectation that my wife and I would be supporting him and this strange woman that he met once. My wife overheard all of this on a phone call, but she won't confront him and continues to make excuses for his behavior. I hate the dysfunction and have lost all compassion for a man that continues to choose himself over my wife and children. How do I keep my marriage as I am losing my ability to tolerate the nonsense. I am beginning to feel that leaving will be better for my children because at least they'll have a normal life half of the time.

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I am so sorry about this series of events. I hear your frustration and anger. It sounds like your authority as an adult has been side-lined; your f-i-l has used his personal power to arrange things to his liking.
Now: what are your options?
You have many. I recommend you make a list. Keep adding to the list until you have a strategic plan. You may need a wise friend or counselor to help you think this through.
You have a clear case of boundary issues here, and re-establishing healthy relationships will take time and work - and your wife will have to be involved. But the place to start is with yourself. You are clearly a patient man, but you have your not-unreasonable limits. And that's ok. Be clear and true with and to yourself. Then you will be ready to speak and work out a solution.
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
I am trying to be patient for my children. If they weren't in the picture, I would have been gone. I just need my wife to talk openly and eliminate the defensiveness.
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If you were to leave do you think that would make things normal for your kids half the time? Or would it cause more dysfunction?

You said that you've had fights with your wife over this but have you ever discussed the situation? You said your wife refuses to discuss anything regarding her dad. That's a pretty immature way to behave. What I'm wondering is if your wife knows how miserable you are and that you're thinking of leaving. She needs this information but not as an ultimatum, as in "If you don't move your father out of here I'm leaving!" More like, "I'm really unhappy and I don't want us to continue to live like this. We need to make some changes."

Breaking up your marriage should be your very last option because a divorce reverberates for years and years, especially for the kids. The situation with your FIL has solutions and options that ought to be explored before you pull the cord on your marriage. How about bringing in a 3rd party such as a minister or a therapist? Take some of the air out of the tension at home and hand over your issues to a counselor. Seeing a counselor once a week for 6 months is much easier on everyone than hiring a lawyer and filing for divorce.
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
As a product of a messy divorce, I know that it isn't the best option. However, I am bitter and am trying to work through it. The hardest part is that I feel like a 3rd wheel. He refuses to speak English around me or the kids even though he can (tagalog) and lies incessantly. My wife complains but blames me for everything because she won't confront him.
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You know sometimes I think things were better when "the man of the house" made the final decisions for his family. And the wife went along with it.

I think you need counseling. An impartial person and not a Minister. That may get into "honor thy Father thing". Your wife needs to set boundries. Especially with this woman. You and she have a right to not allow a stranger in your house. Plus, if the marriage is based on a greencard, I think the government can investigate the reason for the marriage and stop it from happening. They need to get a license and questions may come up when filing.

You and your wife have to stand together in this. You need to sit down with him and look him in the eye. Wife needs to tell him she overheard his conversation and moving a "new" wife into your home is not going to happen. If he wants to remarry, they can rent an apartment of their own. You refuse to have a stranger living under your roof.
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I needed to read your profile to go on with my post. But you have none.

How old is FIL? Why is he living with you? Dementia, health reasons? I ask because it will have a lot to do with how we respond.

You may want to find out who this woman is. How did he meet her, on line? Red Flag! You need to find out her status here. Greencard, Visa?
She may be agreeing with all this because she is trying to scam Dad. Next, she'll be asking for money to fly her out but never come. Or claim she needs help paying a bill, buying food. If FIL in his right mind, its going to be hard for you to keep him from sending the money. If you think this is what is happening, see if there is someone who can talk to Dad and explain to him what is going on. I doubt if he will believe you. After the death of his wife, he became vulnerable. He may not realize what this woman is doing. Is she even in the states if this is a online thing. Is he calling her on ur landline? Maybe you can block her or visa versa.

This is your home too. You have the right to tell FIL that he needs to carry his weight. I see no problem in him paying you rent. You don't have to use it. Put it in a bank account for when you need it to help with his care down the line.
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
Thank you. I updated it. I am a married man with 3 children (12, 10, 7) who are losing their mom because of her need to save her dad. He is playing the helpless role well to the point where he won't write his own checks, read his mail, make his doctor appointments, etc. He is in perfect health and has been told this by a number of doctors. At this point, he is not moving this woman in and won't because I won't tolerate it. He even blames my wife and I for it saying we basically don't want him to be happy. His wife of 40 years just died last February. I know depression can be real, but that is just an excuse to me.
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Your father in law cannot move a stranger into his room 'without telling his daughter'.....the moment the two of them walk in the door the jig is up!! That is 100% unacceptable, period, and you'll have to put your foot down to BOTH your wife & her father. Maybe then your wife will become willing to talk to you about this horrendous situation, and stop allowing unfounded guilt to drive her decisions. It sounds like she needs counseling to get through her guilt & grief over her mom's passing. But in the meanwhile, YOU make some rules, set some boundaries, and don't allow either of them a choice. Appeal to your wife as a mother, reminding her of the dysfunctional situation she's putting the CHILDREN in. So much easier said than done, huh? :(

Good luck to you!
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
I was kind of hoping he would do it because then my wife would tell him to leave. He has options, but he won't exercise those options because my wofe is his new wife basically.
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You really need to have a heart to heart with your help mate. What is important to her...
Dad, children, husband, freedom, sanctuary, security... etc.
Bring up the fact that if FIL is part of the family and that the family works together. If FIL wants to marry this person then he must leave the family and find his own place.

P.S.
I believe it is illegal to marry a person to keep them in the country. My experience... once married and she is free and cleared... she will leave him after taking his money... seen it done... twice. Just sayin'
blessings
hgn
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
Thank you. I agree! He kind of mentioned it as an idea to me and I said absolutely not. I thought it was done there and that he never agreed to anything. The truth was that when he brought it up to me, he had already said yes to the woman. My wife found this out when she overheard the phone call. Yet, she gets angry with me for 'nitpicking' and I just dont see it that way.
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JStatus, would your wife agree to marriage counseling? As you say, now she's her dad's wife, not yours. If she won't, I would see a lawyer to see what your options are. It would be horrible if you somehow are on the hook to keep supporting this guy.
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
I am going to try...I am going to be finishing up my PhD in about 18 months and will likely get a well-paying job which will mean that she won't have to work. However, I refuse to support her father and encouraging him to become even more dependent. My stance is that when I'm done with school, he goes to a home or to live with her brother who has no kids and a huge house (who has offered no help).
I won't let myself be on the hook if I have anything to say about it.
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If he were to bring a woman here from another country, he would be financially responsible for her for 10 years, no matter if the marriage lasted or not, 10 YEARS!

There is no way in hell I would let her come to live in your home, and he needs to go live on his own, no if, ands or buts! It's time to put your foot down as head of this family,

Set a date, help him to find a Senior apartment and DO IT!
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LeoNine9 Jan 5, 2019
Absolutely correct.
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She may be defensive because she feels the “control” coming from ur side too. Also not just Dad or your wife is in victim mode that stuff is like the flu and I believe you all have a bit of it. Especially, if you are sweeping your true pain of neglect, and she the pain of losing her Mom (so horribly) under the rug. It seems you both are just caught in the push and pull for control over what Dad is doing or not doing. Fear does that to us, those of us in long time relationships have gone through it. We have and I wanted my husband to talk to me but not TELL me what I NEED to do as that just showed he was looking for me to change and that he thinks his side is not flawed. Guarentee that since you are just humans in pain you all are not your best selves right now. It is also all in your wording too when you speak to your wife as to why she might be responding to you that way. I hope you never said that phrase to her about being her Dad’s wife. If my husband told me I was being my Dad’s “wife”, I would be disgusted by the accusation and mad too. If your only conversations are telling her what to do, as an adult we all would get defensive and hurt by that approach.
You all need counseling. As for divorce that thought is an escape from the pain right now, I get it, this is truly hard to navigate. ( Trust me I get it). Here is my concern though if you move out, FIL will just take more advantage of her and your kids and you will not be there to protect your kids from the madness. And if you figure out after the divorce or seperation that there were other ways to handle these issues and want to reconcile, you may find the abondonement heart break that you added to your already strained relationship has caused your wife to be even more defensive and reluctant and it could cause an all out war, because what she is pulling her energy from is guilt, and horrible aching pain & u will add to it.
First, if you are a believer get Christian counseling, and I am talking they have a real license to practice counseling. Also you might want to watch some of Tony Robins relationship/marriage videos on Youtube. He is more than just a self help guru and all that, his wise and straight forward approach has saved marriages like yours. ( But Each circumstance is different).
You also might want to date your wife, and win her back as if another man has stolen her after you watch some of the above videos. And do try to keep dating her through this awful time. She needs you even if right now she is telling you she doesn’t and you will get talk time alone! She needs you to show her what REAL love without selfish manipulation looks like, she needs to be called those pet names without expectations and her favorite flowers to be sent just because.
As for this crap about this women moving in, I would call the non-emergency local police number and ask about who handles elderly fraud cases. Then just ask if what is going on is a common fraud and if they have helped others like you to help their elderly parents. If anything an officer can always come and tell him that his number and name came up while investigating these women (like her) seeking money and citzenship and how some have ended very badly. Then the officer could recommend your FIL not contact her anymore for his on safety as it could be a fraudulant crime ring. Not far from the truth at all. There also is usually a County office of elderly affairs that might tell you who to see for counseling.
Anyway, I so understand even if our situations are different the heart of the matter of caregiving is why I am on here. This is just a different perspective than some of the others,but with a heart to help and not condemn any of you all, since tone can not be heard through text, it can only be assumed. ( BTW rt now don’t assume anything, that hurts many women, as it makes them feel unworthy of your words). Lastly, maybe start by asking if some spa day appeals to her on groupon, as u want to treat her to one.
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Rtest730 Jan 3, 2019
I spelled his name wrong but Tony Robbins uses some ( language, as Captain America would say), but it is to shock and add authenticity and serves a purpose, some choice words shocked me for sure, I tried to link a video but it is not working. :( One couple she is blonde and her sister is there too trying to help her husband and her with their marriage, and also the brother inlaw stands up in the back, that video might help, relatable info in it.
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JStatus, tell us more of this woman. How did he meet her? Is she presently in the country or overseas? How does he communicate with her? I ask because if she is in another country and he plans to bring her here to marry her, he has hundreds of obstacles in his path.

My niece years ago met a man on a visit to my mother’s home country. They fell in love and began the process of LEGALLY bringing him to this country on a fiancé VISA. The whole process took a couple of years and thousands of dollars in legal fees, but it was finally accomplished and years later they are doing great. All your FIL’s talk may be nothing more than a pipe dream. One of the numerous items of paperwork that had to be supplied was proof (statements of earnings, tax filings, etc.) that the intended fiancé would be supported in the new country and not be a burden on US taxpayers. I don’t imagine you would be willing to do this or any of the other legal work needed. You still have the problem of your wife’s inability to put you and your family first, but the fear of his springing a bride on you might be laid to rest.
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JoAnn29 Jan 3, 2019
Yes, to legally get into the US is not easy. My MIL came over after WWII from England. A friend of mine married a man from Wales. Over60 yrs later she had to go thru the same thing my MIL did. Friend had to prove a job would be waiting for him and he had a place to live. Plus, I think someone has mentioned that people coming into this country are not privy to any assistance for 5 years. Can't receive SS or Medicare because they never paid into it. Like I said, she could ask him for money for a plane ticket and never come.

You haven't said how old FIL is?
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If FIL speaks Tagalog, I guess that your wife is from the Philipines. In Australia, we have plenty of such marriages, as with a neighbour of my late MIL. It was followed up by a fake domestic violence allegation, which gets special treatment in terms of residence. My MIL was really upset to find that she had been made a part of the fraud by inviting them around for a meal, with lots of photos ‘proving’ that it was a real marriage. The other common story is the bloke finding that there is a child back home that now has to come and join them, then other family members to support. Admittedly, the ‘Priscilla Queen of the Desert’ background is less usual, though it probably hit the spot in Broken Hill. There are a lot of Philipina wives in regional Australia (and of course many happy marriages too).

However this probably also means that your wife has a very strong cultural upbringing to obey parents, so this is really hard for her too. Someone more cynical than I am willing to be might suggest that your wife married you for residence, and has always been more loyal to FIL than to you. Could you find a Philipine counsellor who might have ideas about what cultural strings you could pull yourself?
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golden23 Jan 3, 2019
We must have cross posted Very good idea about a Philippine counselor.
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jstatus - my sympathies re this very difficult situation. You mentioned that your fil spoke tagalog which means he is from the Philippines, so your wife is of that culture too. Is that right? So, as well as other factors, there are cultural norms influencing choices here, and people from that culture usually look after their parents in their homes. Could you go for counselling yourself for help to get some good communication going here. That your wife is not happy about fil wanting to bring another woman in is to your advantage. Even though she won't confront him, it is a place where you both agree. Maybe from there you can build more agreement about fil in general. I see that you feel like an outsider in your own home and that is intolerable.

Does your wife understand how strongly you feel about this? I am sure it is hard for her having lost her mother so recently and in such a devastating way. This is a time of very high stress for both of you (you mentioned you are doing a Ph D and I have known of more than one marriage jeopardized by only that). Outside help could make the difference, All the best and keep us informed.
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
My wife knows my feelings, but she won't really acknowledge them. We have had many discussions and I've been crystal clear that this living situation ends when I finish school in 18 months. That gives them time to prepare.
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If I understand your situation correctly, your wife moved her parents in with you because her mother was sick and her father just stuck around after his wife died. If that's true, then there's no earthly reason why your FIL cannot move out.

It is your marriage, your family, and your home; therefore, I urge you to stand up to your FIL and do so ASAP. Tell him directly that you will help him find new living arrangements because the current living arrangements do not work for you. Do not let him disrespect you, your wife, and your children in your own home.

Leave the sham marriage for a green card out of the discussion because his behavior was bad long before your wife overheard his conversation. Should he have the audacity to bring a stranger to live into your home, immediately usher them out the front door, drive them to a motel, and drop them off to fend for themselves. You can drop off his belongings the next day. (Just make sure he has any medication he needs.)

I didn't go through your exact situation but I understand your anger. My in-laws pushed way beyond the boundaries of respect with me and my husband. And I learned that anger left unspoken and unresolved festers, turns into resentment, and increases your stress hormones, which leads to all sorts of disease. It's just not worth it, if you ask me.

There are many living arrangements for old people. Efficiency apartments. Communities for seniors. And many old people have huge houses and empty nests and rent rooms out to make some extra money. Your FIL needs to be around men his age.

A good marriage is built on communication, and your wife seems to lack that skill. Maybe it's time for a crash course. Ultimatums don't work but a clear message of "enough is enough" may snap her out of her funk. I doubt she's happy with the situation.

Do you love your wife? Do you believe your wife loves you? If so, save your marriage and your family. Good luck!
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
I do love my wife. Thank you for your post!
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JStatus, what a tough situation. I get what you're saying about your FIL basically
trying to turn your wife into HIS wife. I think you're correct in this observation.
My father did same to me, even started calling me by my mother's name. Many
men of our parent's generation used women as servants and expected to live like
kings in their tiny tiny kingdoms. And some, like your FIL, are expert in guilt tripping and manipulation to extract the service and resources they feel entitled to.

Your first priority should be to each other and your children. Your wife is unwittingly abusing your children by allowing your children to witness her exploitation and the constant disrespect your FIL is displaying to your family.
Personally, whether he gets married or not, I'd find a way for him to move out
and live elsewhere. Find out whatever funds and services he is entitled to and
get him settled. Then leave him to it. He should never put this decision on you,
but your wife and children should come first. This terrible example of exploitation
and disrespect, not to mention the unrelenting stress, should not become the
cornerstone of their childhood.
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
You hit the nail on the head. I am expected to stand by and watch and support because she is my wife. My wife has basically said this to me and I merely want an unemotional discussion about reality and options. I'm not the type of person to remain quiet when I see harm being done to my loved ones. I grew up in a dysfunctional home and left as quickly as I could. My wife now has to live her childhood all over again with all of the responsibility and no support. It's the expectation that we all support him that bothers me. My kids are being lost in the shuffle...and so is my wife.
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NY daughter, I agree but it seems this may be a cultural thing. I wish posters would explain that in their posts. It changes the way we respond. I agree, the death of her Mom is still raw. I understand the respect to a parent but...when she married her loyalty changes to the husband and I think most cultures honor this. FIL should respect that the home is his SILs and he is being "allowed" to share it. If he has money, he has an obligation to help with the bills. And to feel he can bring a woman into his daughters house ...Its hard for an adult daughter and mother to live in the same house let alone bring in a stranger.

Please come back and tell us how this works out.
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NYDaughterInLaw Jan 3, 2019
I so agree, JoAnn, that it's cultural. Some cultures are more guilt cultures than others. Guilt is the primary way that some cultures control their individuals into behaving the way they deem "desirable". Guilt comes in many forms.

Unless a married couple begin their marriage living within an extended family, moving parents in later due to illness or misfortune usually takes a toll on the marriage because the guilt culture demands, one way or another, that the "child honor his/her mother/father". In the guilt culture, respect for the individual is deemed undesirable.

I'm not sure that I agree that most cultures honor that loyalty changes after marriage. I think they claim to honor it but in reality this forum is filled with good-natured people whose marriages have been destroyed or brought to the brink by aging/sick/dying/destitute parents laying on the guilt. And I include myself in that category.

If poster wants to remain married, he's got some tough choices to make about how and what needs to change.
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So, you are married to a woman from a culture in which women are subservient to men. Did you not "get" that before marriage? Or if you did, you thought it would only apply to you, and not to her father/brothers/uncles? (I know that I'm being hard on you here, but you'll see where I'm going, I hope.)

Your wife seems to have no experience/ability to say "no" to men. If she is going to develop that, she needs to be in individual therapy. Is she wanting to/willing to do that?
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
Oh your perspective is completely wrong. I never have expected subservience nor have I experienced it. The culture overall isn't like that either. This is a case specific issue, however, kids are expected to care for their parents. I just don't agree with that concept and the overall expectation of it.
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Regarding the phantom marriage, this is so common that you don’t need to get curious about how it has been set up. I know of one small country town where around half the women are from the Philippines. I don’t think it’s ‘organised crime’, but certainly a lot of money goes back to the Philippines in family support etc. There is a Tagalog-speaking phone network where a lot of information is shared about what the rules are and how to manage the whole thing. And I should say again that although many men in small country towns find it hard to find a partner, are very keen on the idea of a respectful wife, and may well be too handy with their fists, in spite of the problems there are still many happy marriages. Arranged marriages are not illegal. What our poster could do to provoke a show-down is to make it clear that evidence of fraud will be provided if this marriage goes ahead.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 3, 2019
But if it gets fil out i think it should be encouraged. Maybe have the FBI or ICE at the wedding, 2 birds with one stone.

It is organized crime, and it is rampant. The problem is they hate our culture and want to change it to what they claim to be escaping. It is about the money.

I live near the Mexican border and a worker can come here, work 3 months and go back to Mexico and live like a king for 9 months.
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I would tell fil that you want him to be happy, that is why you are moving him to a senior apartment and then he can get married and have his wife care for him as it should be.

I think that what he is planning on doing is actually illegal, the bride to be is obvious a fugitive and is probably getting tired of running and hiding, so you're right, this is indicative of his character. I understand people wanting to come to America and pursue a better life, i don't understand intentionally breaking the law, its makes them undesirable citizens.

Encourage him to do it, if this is the solution to him leaving. Make sure he has his own address before the I dos.

Your wife is probably just torn and if she doesn't look it's not really there and who knows what garbage he feeds her. Cultural differences are very difficult to overcome, children are conditioned from before they can remember to obey what their parents order them to do, especially in male dominated cultures.

Be there as much as you can for your children, you have some tough ages there and you will see how this is affecting them by their misbehaviors. Tweens is brutal to go through and they really need loads of love and guidance. If push comes to shove you only have to tough it out for 18 months.
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JS,
I am a (female) American, married to a Mexican citizen. We live in Tijuana, Mexico (for the moment -soon to be Puerto Vallarta!) So I'm familiar with the inter-racial problems of biracial couples.

I'm not claiming to be an expert on the Filipino culture. I've worked with a lot of Filipino nurses in my 40 year career and have had Filipinas as friends also.

In my humble opinion, you are pushing against a centuries old tradition of taking one's parents into their children's homes. That is probably why your wife refuses to talk to you about the possibility of him leaving. It would be a HUGE insult (in her eyes and in their culture) to ask him to leave. It is as though it's his right to be there. The children almost revere their parents, so I disagree that you will have to "make her understand your desires and get him out". It ain't happening-at least like that.

I would suggest that you (and she, if agreeable), talk to any of her brothers and sisters, to arrange for him to move in with them. She will NEVER throw him out but would probably agree if he moves in with another sibling. This is just part of the culture. She may use the excuse that she feels guilty because she couldn't "save" her mom but, in reality, it is EXPECTED that the girls in the family move their parents in with them, especially if they are widowed. But, if there are no other girls, there is nothing wrong with moving in with a son and his wife. It is almost unheard of for an elder to live alone.

If you were a Filipino husband, she would not have this problem with you. You would understand the "pecking order" and that one's parents are the "royalty". I'm sure she can't quite understand how you can have such a radically different idea of turning away a parent, even if she was born in the U.S.

I have faced cultural difficulties also regarding my husband's family but never about anyone living with us. I love my MIL but we would never get along living together.

About counseling....since your wife is doing what she thinks is right, you may have a hard time convincing her to go. I also don't think counseling is as accepted in the Filipino culture (not to air one's dirty laundry), and so she may be reluctant. She may be thinking you just want her to go to counseling so they can change her mind.

Your wife probably does not understand why you would think about abandoning her and your children for something as simple as your FIL living with you. While you can't change her mindset, you CAN set boundaries in your own home. UNTIL you can get FIL out of your house and in with your wife's sibling, you need to put your foot down on what is INTOLERABLE to you BUT pick your battles wisely.

Good luck to you with this problem.
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JStatus Jan 3, 2019
Thank you for your response. You are right on with your comments regarding tradition and custom. I have to decide if this is something I am willing to live with because I just don't view life in that way. Our attention needs to be on our children. We, as parents, are supposed to build up their lives, not burden them with a responsibility that only suits the needs of the elder. They didn't choose to be born...maybe I just lack compassion, but I will never ask my children to care for me, nor will I expect it. They have their own lives to lead, so yes I am having difficulty with the reverence aspect.
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I understand what SueC1957 is saying, but I don't really agree. Sue married a Mexican husband and moved to Mexico, which is a long established tradition in our culture of wives following their husband. You married a Philippina wife and she lives in the USA. She has made a decision to marry an American and go to another culture. Putting your husband before your father is part of the culture she needs to accept.
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JStatus Jan 4, 2019
Finally, someone has said what I have been thinking. I'm just asking for compromise and an acceptance that my culture is different and should be honored just like hers
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She has a brother with the room to house dad. Of course he's not going to offer help. Tell him dad is coming to stay with him on a specific date. Daughter can not be expected to help him bathe later on without embarrassment to either one of them. She's too small to safely assist him. Safer for him with his son? Just a suggestion. Would be good for dad to get accustom to son's home while still cognizant of his surroundings so not disturbed as he gets older, worried that you can not keep him safe from stranger's exploitation, maybe son could succeed where you have not? Saves face for her, gets him out of your house, son looks like an ass if he doesn't help, a hero if he does. Let's see how well he honors taking care of parent tradition.
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Then that is exactly what I would do is leave if she is not willing to put her family first by any means therapy etc. I have never heard of such a thing by moving a complete stranger into my home. This is short advice but there doesn't seem to be any other choice for you. you and your children come first. How old are your children? what are there thoughts
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SueC1957 Jan 7, 2019
Piper,

May I humbly disagree?
Would it REALLY be to everyone's benefit for the poster to leave his home and deprive his wife and kids of his presence? What would that accomplish? Wouldn't that add to the complication of this situation?
Rarely is it a good idea to break up a family. Better to drop the FIL off at the brother's house, suggest he stay overnight with them, then just not take him back with them.
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Marriage for the purpose of facilitiating immigration is a violation of immigration law. Phone and write to the US Embassy in Manila (it sounds as if your FIL, Talagog-speaking, is a Filipino) and report your FIL and the woman so they can intervene.
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Reply to minstrel
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Dear friend,
I am sorry for the loss of your wife's mother; your father in law, however, seems perfectly able to live his own life, which he is clearly doing under your roof. From your brief description of the situation, the father in law appears to be sufficiently mentally fit to take up a relationship with another woman, and essentially continue living life as he desires. Apparently he does not have a life-threatening disease or the need for you and your wife to take care of him. To an outsider, such as myself, the answer seems clearer than day: give the father a move-out date, and stick to it. Otherwise, it seems your own family life is going to be needlessly sacrificed. It sounds like this guy is full of life and needs to be on his own. If you, as the homeowner / lease-holder, don't draw the boundary line, you can pretty much say good-bye to sanity under your roof. YOUR ROOF.

As for the father in law marrying another woman shortly after his wife died, that is very common, I have found, particularly for men. In my sixty-plus years, I have found that women tend not to re-marry at the same rate.

My heart goes out to you in your situation, but please act on the fact that you and your wife can and, in my opinion, should set boundaries. From what you wrote, this sounds like Dad-in-law needs his own place where he can have his life with the new wife. Otherwise, as you have predicted, everything in your life will continue to deteriorate. Once Dad-in-law is out of your house, you and your wife and children can re-group and determine what kind of relationship you will continue to have with him. As it is, through your letter, however, your FIL is calling all the shots and you guys are acting as if he has the determining voice; he does not... YOU do. Use it. Believe me, once you get him out of your house and into an apartment, you will ask yourself why you waited so long. He is not going to drop dead from being made to move. If he is hail and hearty enough to get himself a new wife, then he is certainly capable of getting himself a new apartment.

Good luck and count your blessings that he is in such great shape as to be able to start a whole new life with a whole new wife... tell him it's time to carry her over their own threshold. You have fulfilled your care obligations to your deceased MIL; now it's time to care for your own family. If your wife guilt-trips you about this, remind her that she and you have an obligation to your family unit and especially to your children. When / if your FIL eventually needs the kind of care you gave your MIL, then that's a different story. But until then, it appears that FIL's (and new MIL) presence in the family home needs to be re-figured.

Leo
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Reply to LeoNine9
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The cultural differences make this especially challenging.

If a sibling can take your fil in, that would be fine!

If not, is a compromise possible? Your concession would be to graciously accept FIL living with you, without you complaining to your wife about it. Her concession would be to agree to setting reasonable boundaries and enforcing them. She can be the dutiful daughter by providing shelter and meals. She will not be servant, and FIL will not have decision-making rights within your family. (Caution: setting boundaries and enforcing them can be very difficult, and you and your wife might both need some coaching to help you through it.)

When you say a divorce could give your children a healthy "normal" at least half the time, are you assuming that you'd get joint custody and they'd live with you half the time?

Why is completion of your degree a deadline for FIL to leave, in your mind?
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Reply to jeannegibbs
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It's a federal offense to marry (and accept money) to get someone a green card. You don't want to be an accomplice to this!

https://jgoldlaw.com/green-card/your-biggest-immigration-mistake-marriage-fraud/

Given that I'm unable to speak to the cultural differences due to my own ignorance, I just wanted to get that other bit of info in there. That could seriously derail your future.
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Reply to jadriannas
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I certainly agree that your marriage is falling apart and now you have a choice to make. First, I would ask for the doctor to intervene and speak with her and impress on her what is happening. Second, possibly you could speak to a counselor for advice and blowing off steam. If everything fails, then I am glad you have no choice but to "move on". Perhaps if your wife sees you are serious, she will come to her senses. If not, do you want to live with someone like this and that man? I would hope not. Speak to an attorney and see if you could get custody of the children. What she is doing is NOT right and if she won't remove him from the home, what choice do you have? Good luck.

And as far as culture and tradition go, this is 2019 and we must look after ourselves and not let culture or traditional practices which cause us direct harm physically, emotionally and mentally be allowed. YOU must do what is the least harmful to you - even if it means leaving. Culture be dammed. A lot of culture and tradition cause HELL for those still here and that in itself makes it absolutely WRONG. DO NOT ALLOW CULTURE TO DICTATE HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE.
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Reply to Riley2166
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MaryKathleen Jan 5, 2019
Not allowing culture to dictate how to live your life is easier said than done. When you have been raised from babyhood a certain way, it is engrained in your very being. I was always raised that I had no rights, was homely and would never amount to anything. I had years of therapy and still fight those feelings. Jstatus hasn't said if he is Filipino or not. I assume he isn't. This makes it very hard for him to understand what drives his wife.
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JStatus - Realistically speaking, I don' t think you can change your wife's mind about taking care of her dad, whether it's due to culture or guilt, it makes no difference.

This is the situation that she won't change on her own. So, it's up to you to make a choice. Assess your pros and cons very carefully. Write down in black and white the pros and cons of staying, pros and cons of leaving. Then you can see clearly the good and the bad of the choices you have. Neither of them will be perfect.

Getting divorced sounds like a tempting solution now, but once it's done, it brings a whole new set of problems of itself. You will have to pay a lot of legal fees just to get a divorce. You might not get to see your children much anymore. You might have to provide alimony on top of child support. You might lose your house (if you own one), your car, your possessions, etc. For a man to get divorced, he stands to lose a lot. It's not fair, but that's the reality. On the other hand, you will gain back your sanity, your independence, your own choices, etc. I recommend you at least talk to a divorce lawyer to ask questions so you know what to expect.

If you choose to stay, find ways to keep away from the FIL. The less you see of him, the less he irritates and stresses you. That's how I cope with having my Alz mom living with me. You may have to accept not having your wife's time and attention as much as you should get as a husband, but it might be better than losing everything. And just hope he soon follows his wife.

As for the bride the father in law wants to bring over, I would tell to his face that you won't allow her in your house. If he wants to marry her, he had better move somewhere else. If you're lucky, he might choose to move. Put you foot down on allowing a stranger into your house. This is the line your wife must not cross.
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Reply to polarbear
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Lea9 says what I think is best for you. I don't think you should wait 18 months for him to find his own living situation. But my one issue with all of this is whether or not your FIL is actually mentally stable. Was there a change in his behavior after his wife died? Was he helpful before and with her while she was ill? Perhaps he is lost and is acting out with his grief. All you can do for him is suggest counseling and if he doesn't want it, let him figure out his life his own way. Your wife and you can always be in the background of his life, but you cannot continue to enable him this way. He may need real help in the future, so save your energy for that time.
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Reply to ArtistDaughter
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Onlydaughter93 Jan 7, 2019
Great addendum
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You can't change anyone else. I think the best you can do is leave if you can afford it and have joint custody. Please don't let your kids learn that it is normal to use women as slaves. Hopefully a separation or divorce will come with counselling, if not for both of you, at least for you and the kids. That is a crazy situation and the only thing you can do is leave.
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