Here goes, I am at my wits end. My mother is 72 and fairly good health. I tried to help her and my father in anything they needed help with but it was just never enough. What I get is guilt trips if I don't rearrange my schedule to accommodate hers. She tells me she has breast cancer then the following week she doesn't she has every ailment that someone else has but of course much worse. She doesn't like anybody. She won't let nurses in the house to care for my father she needs to be in everyones business and then has something bad to say about everyone. She dislikes my friends. She goes to the Drs and everytime she comes out she can't stand the Dr she can't stand her Psychiatrist She was asked not to come back to a hospital that she was in because of how she treated the Drs and Nurses and when I try to reason with her as to how we can get her help with the way she feels she says I have the problem not her. Then I take time away which she hates and she lets me know it but I do it anyways with total guilt because she makes sure that she tells me I don't care for her or my father. So I just don't know how to handle this. Thereis so much more. Any suggestions ?
My mother can absolutely care for herself my father he can't.
He isn't in the great of health but if my mother doesn't get her own way he will go along with her because if he don't she will take it out on him ... meaning giving him the silent treatment and if that doesn't work she will mentally abuse him. I've talked to my father on the way to a Drs appointment and asked if he would like to live somewhere else and he said he would never leave my mother because she's to sick and I tell him she isn't but I guess at 75 he's stuck in his way.
Neither of my parents drive my father can't because he's legally blind and my mother can but she won't go for her liscense because its on the computer.
If I do anything that has been suggested here she will tell me I'm a bad daughter and don't care for her dying parents.
She's only satisfied when people do for her and her only oh and I even offered to bring her to a senior center to meet people she said she don't need friends.
I feel so guilty writing the truth but it helpsme vent. I am going to purchase the books recommended tonight.
Thank you all !
Lisa
And who has the diabetes - she or your father?
You ARE allowed to say "No Mother, that is not a convenient appointment for me; would you like me to call the doctor's office to change it or will you do it yourself? These are the times I can be available. And of course, you could call a cab or use the local elder transport service".
If this is met with howls of protest about "honor thy father and mother" or "you don't love me anymore", treat it exactly the way you would a temper tantrum from a two year old.
Turn and walk away. You can't "fix" what is wrong with your mom. But you CAN and SHOULD protect yourself.
It's NOT you!
Do you have a mental health provider you see ? That you be helpful in learning how to maintain boundaries and make healthy choices about how much exposure you want to your toxic mother.
If your mother is interfering with your father getting health services he needs, I would report that to his doctor.
Keep doing what you are doing -- take time away, EXCEPT stop feeling guilty for it. You did not cause your mother's mental health issues. Apparently no one can do anything right for her. Why should you be different? But this is Not Your Fault! You have every right to protect yourself from her abusive behavior.She has actually been banned from a hospital because of her behavior! Clearly this is not about you and certainly not your fault. I don't suggest totally banning her from your life. But reducing contact to the minimum you can without abandoning your father sounds like a good plan to me.
When you are visiting her it is OK to leave if you need to. Give her one warning. "Mother, I'm not here to listen to you criticize me. Let's talk about something pleasant, or I'll leave." Then leave if she is relentless. "I'll come back next week. Maybe you'll be in a more pleasant mood then." Just because she buys you a guilt ticket doesn't mean you have to take the trip.