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I am caring for my spouse who has early onset alzheimer's diagnosed two years ago. She is in the middle of not being able to be independent enough for assisted living and not impaired enough for memory care. All of the facilities say they do not have programs for situations like this. She also refuses to have a caregiver even for a couple of days a week. I provide all of her care and only get respite help on a very limited basis. Needless to say the stress is overwhelming. I am open to any suggestions the forum can provide. Thank you Pepa

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I agree with Jeanne. Look for an adult day care in the area. I know others refer to it as "the club" which might work better for your wife. I have also heard of some carers telling their LO that the LO is needed as a volunteer to "help out." Of course discuss these things with the staff so they can help you out. I think whatever prompting helps to get your wife on board with the idea of going is worth it.

You could also try these types of tactics to get her to accept help in the home. I have heard of saying the person is out of work and just needs a bit of help.... We are hiring her to help her out a bit. Or if you can find an older woman, say she is just lonely and needs something to do...hired for light housekeeping? Therapeutic lies are often necessary when dealing with Alzheimer's.
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PePa12, have you actually had her evaluated to see what level of care that she needs? I found that many people think their family member is much higher functioning than they actually are, although, that may not be the case with your situation. I'd also look at more MC facilities. I toured some where the residents appeared quite average. The ladies were nicely dressed, playing cards and socializing like you might expect at a ladies social club. The dining room was also very nicely set up and some dressed up for dinner. At this same MC, there had residents who were quite advanced as well. That is if you want to find placement. I think the adult day care is a good idea if you are looking for a break during the day.

I'd continue looking. I will add that some of the cases where the resident has encountered the most problems are when the facility is not equipped to meet their needs.  I had to move my LO from regular AL to Memory care, due to that.  
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I can imagine the stress is overwhelming.

A program that would provide some respite for you, and some social stimulation for your wife, is Adult Day Health Program (aka adult daycare). A van picked my husband up in the morning and brought him home in the afternoon. There were breakfast items available, and a hot lunch was served. My husband opted out of some of the activities, and they allowed him to sit in a recliner and read. There were some activities he enjoyed. He went 3 days a week in the winter and 2 in the summer. This worked well for us for a couple of years. He was in the "regular" section, although he had dementia. When his needs were beyond what the program could handle we had a personal care assistant in our home for 32 hours a week. This was not negotiable. He did not have veto power. He came to like the PCA very much.

My suggestion, Pepa, is to look for a day program for your wife.

And/or insist on having a companion during some parts of the day. Call it "housekeeping" help or dress it up any way that would make it more acceptable for your wife. But she doesn't get to refuse it.

My heart goes out to you both!
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