Here goes, I am at my wits end. My mother is 72 and fairly good health. I tried to help her and my father in anything they needed help with but it was just never enough. What I get is guilt trips if I don't rearrange my schedule to accommodate hers. She tells me she has breast cancer then the following week she doesn't she has every ailment that someone else has but of course much worse. She doesn't like anybody. She won't let nurses in the house to care for my father she needs to be in everyones business and then has something bad to say about everyone. She dislikes my friends. She goes to the Drs and everytime she comes out she can't stand the Dr she can't stand her Psychiatrist She was asked not to come back to a hospital that she was in because of how she treated the Drs and Nurses and when I try to reason with her as to how we can get her help with the way she feels she says I have the problem not her. Then I take time away which she hates and she lets me know it but I do it anyways with total guilt because she makes sure that she tells me I don't care for her or my father. So I just don't know how to handle this. Thereis so much more. Any suggestions ?
I didn't know about "Stockholm Syndrome", need to read about it. Reading and learning are the only things I've found that have helped me to at least make some sense of this chaos my life has been, and the pandemonium it has become with my mom's illness and loneliness, combined with narcissisim and maybe some dementia.
I am barely surviving, but at least the ability to understand makes me also able to fight the river of guilt thrown my way. Hope Lisa starts getting information too!
Guilt-noun
The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability:
He admitted his guilt.
A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
Have you committed any of these against your mother? No, you haven't.
I'm with all those who say your mom is mentally sick. She's a master manipulator and she's got you hook, line and sinker. You have to learn to get over those guilt feelings. You are playing right into her hand. I know, I've been there.
A good psychotherapist should be your 1st choice. I did it years ago. I also needed to learn what "boundaries" are, then make and set them. It's OK that you do this with your mother. You are not her puppet. Please stop acting like the doormat she wipes her feet on. Yes, harsh words but to see how tightly she's got you wrapped around her little finger is pathetic.
I broke free years ago from my narcissistic mother. I, also, couldn't do anything right. Later, I didn't give a ---- what she thought or said. I wasn't going to be mentally "owned" by anyone but me. I hope you get into some therapy to see how codependent and sick you've become because of her.
Back off of caregiving as you discover and heal. The world won't fall apart if you're not there. Get your siblings involved and tell them you are taking time away. Be true to yourself.
(1) Try role playing what you'd like to say and how you'd like to respond with a friend or someone - to get comfortable with the process - to become aware of the feelings and be able to process the feelings associated with responses you get that cause the guilt to surface. In a 'trial process' you can take all the time you need to be present with your feelings - and learn to choose a response - which will reinforce your 'new' feelings.
(2) This is what I did with my own demanding and needy mother: The request to do this and that and that and this was never-ending. I had to set very specific times and days of visits. It helped me considerably. While I don't want to compare our situations, telling my mother "I will come over and see you every XXX (specific day or night of the week), helped me get too - even when she was very mean spirited and demanding. I kept my commitment and I did not give in to her other demands (like asking me taking off work (I would NOT be paid) because a cab did not show up),\.
Everyone's situation is different. The only aspect we can change is our behavior and reaction (and get legal documentation in order).